Keep the Dress I Am Leaving

I was touching up my lipstick in the bridal suite of our engagement party when Austin brought his charity-case underclassman inside.

Sophie had a little accident with her dress, he said, his voice casual, as if he were asking to borrow a pen. Can she wear your dress for a bit?

I froze, the lipstick hovering a millimeter from my lips. Before I could process the words, he added, Everyone knows youre the star of the night anyway, Char. It doesn't matter what you wear.

A young girl stood hovering by the doorframe. Her white canvas sneakers had been scrubbed so hard the fabric looked frayed at the seams. Hi, Charlotte, she whispered, her voice tiny and trembling.

Sam stepped right in front of me, shielding me from them. Are you out of your mind, Austin? This is Charlottes engagement party. She went to thirty different boutiques before she finally found this dress!

Austin looked at me. It was that look. For five years, every time he looked at me with that soft, pleading desperation, I gave in.

I gently patted Sams arm, silently asking her to step back, and clicked my lipstick shut.

She can wear it, I said.

Austin smiled, a look of immense relief washing over his face. He reached out to stroke my hair. I knew youd understand. Youre always so good to people, Char. On our actual wedding day, Ill buy you the most beautiful gown in the world.

Sophie changed into my silk gown. Austin knelt on the floor, carefully smoothing out the delicate train so it wouldn't drag on the dusty tiles.

You look beautiful, Sophie, he murmured softly.

I watched them, a cold ache spreading in my chest. I had seen that exact gesture before. During our engagement photoshoot, the photographer had asked him to do the same thing for me. Austin had scoffed, calling it cheesy and dramatic.

I reached down and slipped my engagement ring off my finger.

Just like that.

I was done being the understanding one.

Who is that lovely girl? She looks absolutely stunning in that dress.

Austins aunt stood by the buffet table, holding Sophies hand and looking her up and down with an approving smile.

Sophie lowered her gaze, her lips curving into a shy, delicate smile. Before she could speak, Austin chimed in from behind her.

Shes a junior from my old college department. Her familys had a really tough time lately. Her own dress got ruined tonight, and Charlotte felt so bad for her that she insisted on lending her this one.

His aunt nodded, her eyes shifting to me as I stood nearby in my plain knit sweater and jeans. But why is Charlotte dressed like that? Its her engagement party, and she looks so... plain.

She doesn't care about stuff like that, Austin answered for me, his arm wrapping around my shoulder. Our Charlotte is the most generous girl in the world.

As his weight pressed against me, I took a half-step to the side. His hand slipped off, falling into the empty air.

He frowned slightly. Whats wrong?

I kept my eyes on the floor. Nothing.

Sam grabbed my arm from behind and dragged me into the quiet hallway near the restrooms.

Are you seriously just going to let this happen? she demanded, her voice shaking.

What else am I supposed to do, Sam?

Go out there and tell everyone that the dress is yours! Tell them that she isn't his fiancyou are!

I looked at her eyes, which were turning red with frustrated tears. Sam, youre more upset than I am.

How can I not be? Sams voice cracked. Do you have any idea what theyre saying at his friends table?

She pulled out her phone and tapped on a video clip uploaded to Instagram by one of Austins college buddies.

In the video, Sophie was standing to Austins right, wearing my silk gown. Austins hand was resting casually behind her waist.

Someone off-camera yelled, The bride is gorgeous, man!

Sophie looked down, her cheeks flushing a deep pink. She didn't correct them.

Austin didn't either. He just laughed and waved his hand dismissively.

Underneath the post, there was a comment: Austins fianc is so pure and lovely. It had over thirty likes, and not a single soul had replied to correct it.

I swallowed the bitter taste in my mouth, closed the video, and handed the phone back to Sam.

Laughter erupted from the banquet hall again. Sophie was being led around to toast the tables. She handled herself beautifully, tilting her glass just slightly as she leaned in.

I had taught her that.

Only last month, she had told me she was terrified of attending her first formal networking event. She asked me how to hold a glass and carry herself, and I had spent an entire afternoon practicing with her in my living room.

Can you call me an Uber, Sam?

Youre not going back in?

Theres nothing left to go back to.

I walked over to the reception desk in the lobby, pulled the ring out of my pocket, and set it down next to the guestbook. A thin layer of dust coated the dark wood; the ring settled with a quiet, hollow clink.

My phone buzzed in my hand. It was a notification from Austins Instagram.

So grateful to everyone who came out tonight.

He had attached three photos. One of the crowded banquet hall, one of him raising a glass with his college friends, and the last one... Sophie, wearing my silk dress, smiling warmly at the camera.

He had tagged Sophies account.

His caption read: Huge thanks to Sophie for helping me host tonight. You worked so hard.

There was no mention of me. Not a single photo. Not even my name.

I turned off the screen.

When I crossed the street to wait for my ride, the lights of the hotel lobby were still blazing. Even from across the asphalt, I could hear the faint, muffled hum of music and laughter.

Before getting into the car, I looked back one last time.

Austin was standing on the steps of the hotel entrance, looking down at his phone. Sophie walked out from behind him, gently draping his coat over his shoulders.

He pulled the lapels together to bundle up.

The movement was so natural, so perfectly practiced.

Charlotte, you left your ring on the guest table.

At two in the morning, Austins call came through. His voice was calm, completely unhurried.

I know.

Well, I kept it safe for you. Ill put it back on your finger tomorrow. He paused, his tone softening into that familiar, soothing register. I know tonight was hard on you. Sophies dress was a real emergency, but you letting her borrow yours... everyone saw how sweet and understanding you were.

Austin, lets break up.

The line went dead silent for three seconds. Then, he let out a low chuckle.

Charlotte, I know youre hurt about tonight. But breaking up? Dont you think thats a little dramatic?

Im serious.

You say were breaking up every time you get upset, he said, his voice dropping into the patient, slightly patronizing tone he used to defuse my moods. Fine. Once youve slept on it and calmed down, call me. Ill come pick you up.

Austin

Char, be good. Tomorrow Ill take you to that new sushi spot downtownthe one youve been begging to go to.

I didn't say anything.

After a few seconds of silence, his voice hardened.

Charlotte, its been five years. When have you ever actually had the heart to leave me?

The question was quiet, but it left me breathless. He didn't believe me. He genuinely believed I was incapable of walking away.

I hung up.

Sam walked out of the kitchen holding a glass of water and sat down across from me on the sofa.

What did he say?

He said hes coming to pick me up tomorrow.

Are you going?

No.

She wanted to say something, but she looked at my face and swallowed her words.

I stared at my phone screen. The top of my call log showed his contact namea name I had saved five years ago: Austin followed by a little sun emoji.

We had just started dating back then. He had waited for me outside my dormitory in the freezing November wind, holding a paper bag of warm, cinnamon-dusted roasted almonds.

My roommate told me you walk the long way home every day just to smell these, he had said, his breath fogging in the cold air.

Theyre so expensive, though, I had murmured. Eight dollars a bag.

He had laughed, pressing the warm paper bag into my hands. From now on, you tell me whenever you want something. Whether its eight dollars or eight hundred.

His eyes had been so bright and clear back then. They made me feel completely safe.

Sam suddenly spoke up, breaking the silence. Do you remember when he actually started to change?

I thought about it for a long, quiet moment.

I dont know.

Maybe it was the day Sophie first showed up, crying that she couldn't afford her tuition. Maybe it was the first time Austin looked at me and said, Just let her have this one, Char.

The change had been so slow, so imperceptible. A fraction of a millimeter every day, until one day I looked back and realized there was nothing left.

Sam tucked a throw blanket around my shoulders. Don't go back there. Just stay here with me.

Okay.

At three in the morning, his name lit up my screen again.

It rang for three seconds, then went silent. He didn't call back.

He knew my patterns. In his mind, I just needed one night to cry it out. When the sun came up, I would go home on my own.

Just like I always did.

I swiped to decline the call.

It was the first time in five years I had ever ignored him.

Sam, let me in.

The following evening, Austin was standing on Sams porch, holding a white paper pastry bag. Sam blocked the doorway, her arms crossed.

She doesn't want to see you.

I know shes angry, he said with a tight, apologetic smile. Just let me talk to her for a second. Ill leave right after

Talk to her about what? How you couldn't even manage to put her name in your post last night?

Austins smile vanished. Sam, this is between Charlotte and me.

Don't call her Charlotte. You don't get to use her name anymore.

I walked over to the door and gently laid a hand on Sams arm. It's okay, Sam. Let him in. Ill talk to him.

Sam stepped aside, her eyes cold as she watched him walk past.

Austin kicked off his shoes and set the white bag on the coffee table. I brought that chestnut crepe cake you love. I didn't get a chance to give it to you yesterday.

I didn't touch the bag.

He sat down on the sofa opposite me. Char, what do you want me to do?

I told you. I want a breakup.

His brow furrowed. Youre throwing away five years over a dress?

It was never about the dress.

Then what is it? He crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back. It was his classic posturethe patient, long-suffering partner waiting for me to finish my tantrum so we could get back to normal.

On your birthday last year, I booked that reservation at the French bistro two months in advance. As we were walking out the door, Sophie called saying she had a stomach ache. You drove straight to her apartment.

She was completely alone in the city, Char. What if it had been appendicitis?

You got there and realized she had just eaten too much takeout. And then you stayed and watched television with her all night while I sat alone at that restaurant until closing.

He rubbed his temples. I apologized for that, didn't I? I bought you that designer necklace to make up for it.

And then you bought her the exact same one, didn't you?

She was going through a really hard time

Shes always going through a hard time, Austin, I said, my voice low and steady. When is she ever actually happy?

Austin fell silent.

Last month, when I had that business trip, you told me to take an Uber to the airport because you had to help Sophie move into her new dorm.

He opened his mouth to protest. She had so many heavy boxes

And you gave her my handmade cotton quilt. The one my mother quilted by hand and sent to me from home.

That quilt was getting old and frayed, Char. I told you Id buy you a luxury down comforter to replace it.

It was mine! My mother sat with her reading glasses on for a week, stitching those patterns. She wrapped it in three layers of plastic just so the stitches wouldn't get ruined in the mail!

The living room went dead silent. Sam stood by the kitchen door, her knuckles white as she gripped the frame.

I didn't cry.

I used to cry. I used to scream and demand to know why he was doing this to me, and then I would forgive him the second he murmured an apology.

But today, I just felt hollowed out. Tired.

Charlotte, Austin said, his voice dropping into a tone of quiet disappointment. I always thought you were different from the other girls.

The other girls?

The petty ones. The ones who keep score of every little thing. He looked at me, his eyes entirely sincere. I thought you understood. Sophie has absolutely no one else in this city to rely on. You have me, you have a good job... you don't lack for anything. Whats so wrong with me looking out for her a little?

He spoke with such earnest conviction. He believed every single word.

You have everything, Char. Cant you just let her have this when she has nothing?

I looked at him. Really looked at him.

He was actually waiting for me to nod. He expected me to say Youre right, Im sorry.

But among all the things he claimed I had, there was one thing called Austin. And he had been slowly packing up that piece of my life and giving it to someone else, all while asking me why I felt empty.

Youre right, Austin. I have everything.

His shoulders relaxed slightly, a faint sigh of relief escaping his lips.

So, I continued, I don't need you anymore either.

The relief vanished from his face.

Charlotte.

You never used to be like this.

I didn't answer him.

He stood up, his face dark, and walked out the front door.

My gaze fell on the white pastry bag on the table.

Chestnut crepe cake.

He didn't even remember. I had stopped liking chestnut cake a year ago.

The white silk of the wedding dress felt cool and heavy against my skin.

My mother stood behind me, gently smoothing down the delicate tulle of the veil. The wrinkles around her eyes deepened as she smiled at my reflection.

When is Austin getting here? I feel like I haven't seen him in six months.

I looked down at my phone screen. Ten minutes ago, Austin had sent a text.

Sophies graduation thesis data got corrupted and shes crying in her advisor's office. I have to go help her sort it out. Go ahead and try on the dress first. Explain to your momshes always been so sweet to me, shell understand. I booked her favorite Italian restaurant tonight to make it up to her.

My mother had undergone minor heart surgery just last month. I hadn't told her a single thing about what was happening between Austin and me.

I pressed the power button, darkening the screen, and turned to face her with a smile.

His office had an emergency meeting, Mom. He won't be able to make it.

My mother blinked, surprised, but quickly patted my hand reassuringly. Work comes first. Its good that hes dedicated to his career. You look absolutely beautiful, sweetheart. Let me take some photos of you.

Click.

In the photos, I stood in a gown of pure white, smiling perfectly.

But my eyes were completely dead.

After watching my mother board the train back to her small town, I went straight back to Sams apartment.

Sitting on the edge of the sofa, I dialed the wedding coordinator's number.

Hi, this is Charlotte. I have a reservation for the Lakeside Chapel for next spring. I need to cancel it.

There was a long pause on the other end of the line.

Maam, that chapel has an eight-month waiting list. The twelve-thousand-dollar deposit is entirely non-refundable. Are you sure?

Im sure.

But you came in so many times, Charlotte. You were so meticulous about every detail. Our designer said shed never seen a bride so invested...

Just cancel it, please. Thank you.

I hung up before she could say anything else.

Sam sat on the opposite end of the sofa, watching me quietly. Are you absolutely sure about this, Char?

Yes.

That chapel was located forty miles outside the city. There was no direct subway line; you had to take two different buses and walk twenty minutes down a dirt road.

I had chosen it because it sat right on the edge of a quiet, pristine lake.

Five years ago, on our very first weekend trip, Austin had taken me to that exact lake. He had spent the entire afternoon taking photos of me against the water. He told me it was our secret sanctuary.

I had designed every single detail of that wedding myself, arguing back and forth with the designer over dozens of drafts.

I chose white magnolias for the tables because Austins mother loved simple, clean flowers.

The processional music was the acoustic track that had been playing in the background during our very first date at that tiny coffee shop.

I had hand-drawn the seating chart with colored markersblue for his guests, pink for mine. His college roommate was terrified of heights, so I had carefully placed him at a table near the ground-floor exit.

Austin had never asked about any of it. He had just nodded and let me do all the work.

Charlotte, if you need to cry, just cry, Sam said softly.

I shook my head.

I tried, but the tears wouldn't come. I didn't think I had any left.

Sam was in the middle of editing a marketing deck at her office when her phone rang. It was Austin.

Charlottes phone is completely turned off. Can you give her a message for me?

Sam set her pen down. What is it?

Sophie is taking her graduation photos next month and wants to do something really unique. His tone was light, as if he were asking to borrow a stapler. I remembered that chapel Charlotte booked by the lake. The scenery is gorgeous. Can you ask Charlotte to call the venue and let Sophie use the space for a day?

Sam gripped her phone, her knuckles turning bone-white under the office fluorescent lights.

Austin, she said, her voice dropping into a dangerous whisper.

Yeah?

That venue has already been canceled.