This Isn't a Marriage; It's a Hostile Takeover of My Life

§01

I was going to die.

Of humiliation.

I’d checked out of the hotel and forgotten to pack my late-night toy.

The front desk called me.

“Ma’am, just to let you know, we’ve given the item to the colleague you were traveling with!”

Colleague?!

What colleague!

That was my boss!

I could feel my corpse turning cold.

Excuse me, is there a way to reincarnate to the moment I checked out?

It’s urgent.

I never thought I’d be on a business trip with Conrad Ellison.

He’d been brought in as the new COO three months ago, becoming my ultimate superior.

He was also my high school classmate, the subject of a pink-hued, not-quite-love memory.

And I was still just an invisible drone, fighting for survival against a two-faced office rival.

I spent the entire trip trying to hide at the back of the crowd.

Finally, on the last day, I packed my bags and checked out at lightning speed.

Just as I let out a deep breath, feeling the liberation of my body and soul, the hotel’s front desk called.

“Ma’am, are you the guest from room 8709 who just checked out?”

“Yes, is there a problem?”

“Our housekeeping staff found a box you left behind by the bed when they were cleaning the room.”

“A box?” I froze for a moment, then it hit me like a bolt of lightning from a clear blue sky.

My chaotic-good best friend had sent me a luxury sex toy, claiming it would “reactivate my moribund love life.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry. Could you please mail it to me?”

“Ma’am, we’ve already given it to the colleague you were traveling with for safekeeping!”

“What?! Which colleague?”

“A very tall, very handsome gentleman. A Mr. Ellison.”

“Have a wonderful day, ma’am!”

I felt that lightning bolt turn around and strike me eighteen more times.

That was my BOSS!

“Piper Gates, you are going to be the death of me!” I screamed in despair, calling the only culprit I could blame.

“So? How was it? Did you and Troy use that little toy I sent you? Was the experience out of this world?” Piper’s voice was buzzing with salacious excitement.

“Use it? I forgot to pack it when I checked out, and the front desk personally handed it over to Conrad Ellison! I’m… I’m so monumentally screwed because of you!”

“What? Conrad Ellison? Oh my god, how is it possible to screw up that badly!”

§02

A sleepless night did nothing to solve the problem of how to gracefully ask my boss for my vibrator back.

I walked into the office with dark circles under my eyes.

“Camille, I need these files sorted by the end of the day. I need them for tomorrow,” Morgan Holloway said, pointing to five large archive boxes stacked on my desk.

“Wait, but today I have…” Today was Troy’s birthday. I’d booked a cake and planned to celebrate with him.

“What? Now that you’re a project manager, you think you can refuse an assignment from your department director?” Morgan’s lips curled into a contemptuous smirk.

“Exactly! Who knows what kind of spell she cast on Mr. Ellison to get that promotion! He even took her on the business trip!”

“Our Morgan is Mr. Ellison’s star alumna from his university! And their families are old friends, the blue-blood kind! You’d better not get any ideas above your station!” one of Morgan’s sycophants chimed in.

I couldn’t be bothered to argue with them.

By the time I finished sorting through the five boxes of files, a glance at my phone told me it was past ten p.m.

I followed the location Troy had sent me and found the lounge.

It was a labyrinthine place.

“What’s up with that girlfriend of yours? Her boyfriend’s birthday is almost over and she’s still a no-show,” I heard Troy’s friend, Josh, say as I rounded a corner.

“She won’t be for much longer. She’s boring,” Troy’s voice followed, and I froze in my tracks.

“Boring how? Boring in bed?” Josh’s tone made my stomach churn.

“Boring in every way. She’s always working like a dog. God knows how long it’s been since I’ve even seen her in bed. And on the rare occasion we do it, it’s the same old position. So dull.” Troy’s words sent a surge of pure rage through me.

“Who cares? It’s not like your bed is empty. What about that other one, the one from last week?”

“Oh yeah, she’s good. A real firecracker! Hang on, she’s calling me now!” Troy’s voice instantly switched tones. “Morgan? Are you coming? Ah… you can’t make it. That’s a shame, I was really hoping to see you… Hey now, don’t say that. I’m single. Totally single! Of course, if you were interested, I could be un-single in a heartbeat…”

I stepped out from the corner.

And slammed the cake I was holding right into Troy’s face.

§03

Troy stood there, stunned into silence.

Josh immediately lunged toward me, his face contorted in anger, his hand reaching to grab my collar.

*Smack!*

His hand was slapped away, followed swiftly by a fist connecting with his jaw.

I whipped my head around to see Conrad Ellison.

His face was calm, but his eyes were radiating pure menace.

“Mr. Ellison!” Troy, his face covered in frosting, still managed to recognize him.

He quickly pulled Josh away.

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Ellison. I apologize for the scene.”

“Let’s go.” Conrad ignored Troy completely.

He took my hand and led me toward the exit.

My mind was a chaotic swirl of anger, confusion, and shock.

All I could hear from behind was the commotion from the lounge and a string of curses.

§04

Conrad held my hand the entire way out, finally opening a car door and nudging me inside.

“Your boyfriend?” he asked, breaking my daze.

“Not anymore,” I said, taking a deep breath.

“You heard all of that, didn’t you?”

“I was on roughly the same timeline as you,” Conrad said with a slight smile.

Damn it.

Why does my humiliation in front of him have no end?

“You… still have terrible taste in men.”

If you don’t know how to make conversation, you can just shut up!

“You’re right! I’m blind! I must be blind to have fallen for a scumbag like that! I even helped him get his job at the company! I’m truly useless at everything except for being a terrible judge of character!”

I meant to have a meltdown, but I didn’t expect tears to start streaming down my face.

Troy was a younger student from my university.

When he pursued me, he was the epitome of a warm, caring guy.

We dated for two years, and then things became bland.

He started making passive-aggressive comments, criticizing me.

My life had no excitement, I was too controlling, he couldn’t tell if I was his girlfriend or his mother, and I was passionless in bed, just going through the motions…

It was for this reason that Piper had passionately ordered that “couples’ interactive late-night toy” for me.

Hah.

Men.

Not a single good one among them.

“What are you doing here? A regular?” I asked, taking the tissue Conrad handed me, trying to diffuse the awkwardness.

“A business meeting. I rarely come here. Not as often as your boyfriend.”

“Ex-boyfriend!” I gritted my teeth, muttering under my breath.

“Why is it that every time I embarrass myself, you’re there to witness it…”

“Oh? Is that so? What other times were there?”

Damn it.

So many people get to be reincarnated.

Why can’t it be me?

§05

“So, basically, that’s the gist of my recent drama,” I reported to Piper, my voice heavy with exhaustion and disbelief.

“Holy crap! That’s a lot of information! My gossip-loving soul is completely satisfied! It seems like the toy I offered up to you has done some serious karmic good!” her voice was practically vibrating with excitement.

“How can Troy even compare to Conrad Ellison? We’re talking about you and Conrad! In high school, he confessed his feelings for you during the school festival performance. Do you have any idea how many girls were dying of envy?”

“And now he’s back, a full-fledged CEO type! Tsk tsk…”

“You know, if your dad hadn’t had his accident, you two would have been together a long time ago…”

The moment Piper’s words fell, I cut her off, a sense of urgency in my voice.

“Okay, okay, that’s ancient history. Can you please just shut up!”

“Fine, fine! I await good news! This is great! I love this ship! More, please!” Piper’s voice was laced with a mischievous glee, as if she were anticipating a grand drama.

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