The Wind Stilled at Eighteen

When my husband gave his entire fifty-thousand-dollar bonus to the girl from the spa for her heart surgery, I lost it. I smashed everything in our apartment to pieces, screaming the most vicious things I could think of.

Get out. I dont want to catch whatever disease you picked up from her.

If you and that woman die in the street, I wont even spit on your graves.

You pathetic bastard! A leopard cant change its spots, can it? Youre just trash!

Alexander heard me, then slowly, deliberately, crushed his cigarette out with his bare hand. A cold smirk twisted his lips.

Right. Youre the saint here.

Forgetting who stripped naked and climbed into my bed at eighteen? Who walked around campus with a baby bump under her sweatshirt?

The trust I had given him for years transformed into a blade, and he plunged it straight into my heart.

What Alexander didn't know was that in the instant those words left his mouth, I gave up on our marriage.

And on our second child.

The room fell into a dead silence. The friends who had come to play peacemaker stared, their hands clapped over their mouths in shock.

Only the people closest to you know exactly where to stick the knife to make it hurt the most.

I can still remember that baby, dissolving into a pool of blood on a dirty bathroom floor. We were just two broke students, unable to scrape together even the few hundred dollars for a proper procedure. All we could afford were some pills from a back-alley clinic.

In that foul-smelling restroom, a tearing pain ripped through my stomach, a pain that felt like it would never end. An eighteen-year-old Alexander held me, his own tears spent as he sobbed.

Im sorry, Ava. Its all my fault. Im an animal, its all my fault

And now, thirty-year-old Alexander was using that same horrific memory to call me cheap. All for that girl from the spa.

My face was ashen. I felt like I was about to collapse. I couldnt form a single word.

Alexander rubbed his brow, a flicker of regret in his eyes. Our friends rushed to his defense.

Ava, its not really Alexs fault this time. That girl, Hailey, she ambushed him outside his office.

Yeah, she was on her knees, begging, saying she couldnt go on. Alex just felt sorry for her.

Come on, its the holidays! Theres nothing a married couple cant get through.

A long time ago, I might have believed that. That he just felt sorry for Hailey. A spa worker who hadnt even finished high schoolI never imagined he could actually fall in love with her.

Not until he started moving heaven and earth to find specialists for her heart condition, year after year.

Not until she mentioned she wanted to see the world, and he brought her as his date to the companys annual gala.

Not until she complained about her dysfunctional family, and he personally took her to an amusement park to make up for her lost childhood.

They kissed at the top of the Ferris wheel. I only found out because a photo from the parks security camera ended up on social media. The man who never had time for dinner with me had become someone elses shoulder to lean on.

We had our first explosive fight. Alexander swore she kissed him, that he was just too stunned to push her away when she started crying. The argument ended with him writing a letter, promising hed never come home late again.

I never imagined that would be the beginning of an endless cycle: fights, silent treatments, reconciliations. Sometimes it was over a tube of lipstick in the passenger seat. Other times, the scent of another womans perfume on his suit.

He grew more impatient, colder.

I became more and more hysterical.

Now, I was just tired.

Alexander had given Hailey so much. Money, love, time. He might as well give her my title, too.

I managed a weak, hollow smile. We wont be a married couple for much longer.

Alexander stared at me in disbelief. Youre going to divorce me? Over fifty thousand dollars?

Ava, theres a limit to this drama!

After all this time, after he had pushed my boundaries for her again and again, he still thought our marriage was indestructible.

How absurd.

As we stood there, deadlocked, his phone rang. I knew from the ringtone who it was, and a fresh wave of rage washed over me. For countless nights, that sound was my signal to stare at the ceiling alone until sleep finally came.

After a few brief words, he grabbed his coat.

Where do you think youre going? You are not leaving! I blocked his path, incredulous. We were in the middle of this, and he was running to her.

Well talk when I get back.

If you walk out that door, were getting a divorce!

Alex, man, just say something! one of his friends pleaded.

Bro, maybe you should stay with Ava for a bit. Shes not in a good place

Everyone could see I was on the verge of a breakdown.

Everyone but him. He didnt see it, or he didnt care.

Alexanders voice was laced with impatience. Weve said everything there is to say. Shell cool down in a few days and see sense.

Weve been together for over a decade. You think were going to break up over something so small?

A bitter laugh escaped my lips as the front door slammed shut.

In the living room, our huge wedding portrait lay shattered on the floor, a casualty of the fight.

My tears hit the cold hardwood. For years, I had made excuses for him, tolerated and forgiven him time and again. But Alexander was no longer the boy who used to sneak out to buy me a greasy bag of takeout.

I was the only one left clinging to the dying embers of a memory, fooling myself day after day. But now, even I couldn't keep up the lie. I went straight to the hospital.

The doctor told me that because of the first abortion, my uterine lining was already severely damaged. Another one could leave me unable to ever conceive again.

I listened with my head down, completely numb.

I signed the forms, took the anesthesia, and lay down on the operating table.

I didnt cry when the cold instruments entered my body. I just stared at the stark white light overhead, remembering that sweltering afternoon when I was eighteen. That dim, filthy bathroom stall, Alexander holding me tight, his palms slick with sweat, his eyes full of tears.

The pain and fear were real then.

And the love in his eyes was real, too.

Its just a shame that his love was now reserved for someone else.

After the procedure, a nurse helped me off the table, murmuring post-op instructions. I steadied myself against the wall, each step a dizzying effort.

The sharp, antiseptic smell of the hallway stung my nostrils. And there, in my most vulnerable moment, I saw my husband.

He had his arm around another woman, his face wearing that familiar, gentle expression.

I watched them talk, my heart a placid, dead sea.

Hailey, dressed in a hospital gown, leaned weakly against Alexanders chest. He must have been going to handle her admission paperwork because he left her for a moment.

Hailey saw me. She froze, then her voice turned timid. Ava? What are you doing here? Did you follow us?

Alex is just being nice and keeping me company since I have no one. Please dont misunderstand.

The words no one were spoken with deliberate, heavy emphasis.

The pain in my abdomen was intense. I had no energy to play her games. But just as I turned to leave, Hailey bit her lip and rushed toward me.

Ava, that fifty thousand dollars is just the price of a few of your handbags, but its my life! The doctor said if I dont have this surgery now, itll be too late! Please, dont take this money from a dying woman! When Im better, Ill work like a dog to pay you back, I swear.

Without warning, she dropped to her knees, clutching at my pants, tears streaming down her face on command. Im begging you, please dont take my life-saving money! I just want to live!

Her desperate cries echoed through the waiting room. All eyes turned to us, brows furrowed in judgment.

What kind of person is she, trying to take a sick womans money?

She looks well-dressed, but her heart is made of stone!

The poor girl is on her knees! Have some compassion

A cold sweat broke out on my forehead from the pain. I tried to pull my leg away, but Hailey collapsed to the floor, her body trembling.

Just then, Alexander pushed through the crowd and saw the scene. His face turned to thunder. He yanked Hailey to her feet and glared at me, his eyes blazing with undisguised disappointment and fury.

You followed me to the hospital? Are you so relentless that youd chase her down for the money for her surgery? Do you have any compassion at all?

It was the same accusation hed thrown at me on our anniversary when Hailey had called him away.

Shes so pitiful, dont you feel anything as a woman?

How can you be so cold-hearted?

I was so tired of hearing those words.

Whatever.

But maybe it was because we had fought so much lately. Maybe his anger had blinded him. Alexander took a step forward and shoved me, hard. Say something! What the hell do you want?

The push sent me staggering backward. I lost my balance and fell, my tailbone cracking against the hard, cold tile. A tearing, explosive pain ripped through my lower abdomen.

The crowd gasped.

My face contorted in agony.

Alexander froze. He had no idea why a single push could topple me, a woman who had always been so healthy. Just as he had no idea that in the hours he had spent fussing over Hailey, the last thread connecting us had finally snapped.

He instinctively bent down to help me up, but I flinched away.