Seven Years Lost

Ian fastened my seatbelt for me, a gesture so familiar, so natural, it felt like muscle memory. Hed just wrapped up a major merger negotiation, a weariness still etched around his eyes, yet hed remembered to pick me up from work, even though I was working late.

Evie, he said, his voice soft, handing me a warm paper bag. Your favorite roasted chestnuts. Just bought them.

Warmth spread from my fingertips to my heart. I peeled one open, thinking this was just another ordinary moment of happiness. Then, he spoke, his tone unnervingly calm. Oh, right. That day last week, your birthday. I told you I had a last-minute business dinner, but I actually took the new intern to the hospital.

I turned to look at him. A hint of weariness, almost helplessness, crossed his face. She she accidentally got pregnant with my child. Shes so young, she was terrified. I figured you, being the most understanding, would get it, right? When a mans out and about, these things happen.

I started to tremble. He reached over, casually adjusting the cars AC up a degree.

Why arent you saying anything? He paused at a red light, turning to look at me.

I opened my mouth, but no sound came out.

Evie, his voice remained oddly flat. Dont be like this. The girl is young, just out of college. Shes all alone here, and she was crying her eyes out that day. What was I supposed to do, just ignore her?

The light turned green. He pressed the accelerator. Just think of it as me doing a good deed.

I whipped my head around to stare at him. A good deed.

Is that the point? The point isnt that you cheated and youre only telling me now?

Why would I tell you? He shot me a strange look. To upset you? What could you change even if you knew? Its already happened.

He said it with such an air of righteous indignation, as if I were the one being unreasonable. He parked the car, but didnt immediately unbuckle his seatbelt. Instead, he turned to face me.

Evie, he said, his gaze steady. When a mans out and about, these things happen. Im practically the last one among my friends to have an affair. I know what Im doing. Flings are just flings; I always come home. Dont worry, youre different from the other women.

He reached out, as if to ruffle my hair, just like he used to. I flinched away. His hand froze in mid-air, and his face visibly darkened. He withdrew his hand, letting out a small, mirthless laugh. Alright, take your time. Anyway, Ive broken it off completely with that girl. If you cant handle this, then in the future, Ill try my best to keep you from knowing.

He finished, grabbed the bag of chestnuts, unbuckled his seatbelt, and got out of the car. The chestnut in my hand had been crushed, sticking to my palm in a messy pulp.

I suddenly remembered that winter in my junior year. I had a terrible cold and a fever. My roommate called him, and he was in class. Half an hour later, he appeared downstairs at my dorm, covered in snow. I bundled up in my down jacket and went down. His hair and shoulders were white with snow, his nose bright red from the cold.

Roasted chestnuts, he sniffled, smiling. My Evie eats something sweet, and her sickness will go away faster.

His hands were like ice blocks, but he peeled the chestnuts for me first. I ate and cried simultaneously. He asked why I was crying, promising that one day, when we were rich, hed buy them for me every single day. Later, we did get rich. He no longer had to brave a snowstorm to cross half the city.

Still not coming up? The chestnuts will get cold and wont taste good. My phone buzzed.

He had showered and was now in his pajamas, watching financial news on the sofa. The bag of chestnuts sat on the coffee table, open, completely cold.

Wash your hands and come eat. He didnt look up.

His suit jacket was carelessly tossed over the console in the entryway. A tube of lipstick peeked out of the pocket. Last month, when hed gone to a nearby town for a project, hed brought me back specialty pastries.

Ians voice drifted from the living room. Evie, what are you doing?

I looked at him. When had he become so rotten?

Alright, he said, patting my shoulder. Dont overthink it. Ive handled everything cleanly. Go wash your hands; the chestnuts really are cold now. He turned and walked back to the living room, resuming his news program.

A week ago, while he was at the hospital with another woman, I was at home, waiting for him to return so we could eat the birthday cake Id made. The cake eventually went stale. Hed told me he was in a bad mood because the project hadnt gone through, and Id comforted him, saying it was alright.

I crouched in the entryway, trying to throw up, but nothing came. Just dry retching, one after another. Ian finally turned off the TV. He walked over and stood in front of me, wearing the matching slippers Id bought us last year.

Are you being dramatic? he asked.

I looked up, my vision blurred, unable to make out his face.

When did it start? I asked.

What?

You and her, I choked out, my voice raw and desperate, like any woman discovering her partners infidelity. When did you two get together?

He frowned slightly. Does it matter?

Yes, it matters. I used the cabinet to pull myself up, my legs weak. Tell me, Ian. Just tell me when.

He was silent for a few seconds, then said, This spring, I guess. The company hired interns, and she was assigned to my department.

Over half a year.

How many? I asked again.

His face darkened. Evie, what are you trying to say?

Im asking you how many others there have been! I suddenly screamed, my voice echoing in the empty living room. How many more? Who else? Tell me everything, right now!

He looked at me as if I were insane, then he let out a laugh, full of weary resignation. Do you have to be like this? I told you, its all been handled. Shes been sent away, I gave her money. What more do you want? Do you expect me to spend my entire life only with you?

I stared at him, dumbfounded.

Dont all men do this? he continued, his tone suggesting that infidelity was common knowledge everyone should accept. Business dinners, playing along, its all normal. Youre going to be my wife; cant you be more understanding? Look at Mrs. Kensington, her husband has three mistresses, and she still goes shopping and plays cards like nothings wrong.

My ears buzzed. Mrs. Kensington, always smiling at parties, always praising how wonderful her husband was to her.

Im not like her. We shouldnt be like that, I said.

How are we different? Ian took a step closer, looking down at me. Evie, Ive been with you for seven years. Seven years. Have I ever neglected you? The house is in your name, you drive the car, you can spend money however you want. Ive just had a few affairs; why are you making such a big deal out of it?

He reached out to touch my face. I recoiled, and his hand stopped mid-air.

Fine, he retracted his hand, nodding. You think about it.

He turned and went into the bedroom. I stood in the living room, staring at that closed door, suddenly remembering so many years ago. We had just graduated, broke, renting a tiny, rundown studio apartment. The day we moved in, he mysteriously pulled a potted plant from behind his back.

A lemon tree, hed said. When it bears fruit, well have a real home.

Hed knelt on the floor, using a key to engrave our initials into the bottom of the pot. Hed said, Evie, youll be the boss of our home. That lemon tree eventually did bear fruit. Hed said when it produced a few more, hed pick them for me to make honey water. Later, we bought this house, and the tree came with us.

I walked to the balcony. The lemon trees leaves were mostly yellow, some already withered, curling at the edges and falling off. When had it started to wither?

I noticed his work tablet on the coffee table. He usually never brought it home. On a sudden impulse, I picked it up and opened it. The screen saver was a girls sleeping face. Young, fair-skinned, long eyelashes, hair fanned out on a pillowit was our bedroom pillow. I checked the timestamp: three months ago, when I was on a business trip to Seattle.

The night before I left, hed held me, saying hed miss me, asking me to come back soon. The day I left, he drove me to the airport, kissed me at security, and said, Call me when you land. When I arrived in Seattle, I called to check in, but he didnt answer. Later, he texted that he was in a meeting.

It turned out that night, he was in our bed, holding another girl.

The bedroom door suddenly opened. Ian walked out and saw the tablet in my hand. His face instantly changed.

How many is this one? I asked.

He didnt speak, heading to the kitchen for water. I followed him.

Ian, say something!

He finished his water, then turned to face me. Evie, do you have to do this?

Do what? My voice trembled. Im asking you a question! Are you deaf?

After a long silence, he sighed. Evie, the young girl was a bit naive. I told you Id try my best to keep things from you in the future.

I looked at him, at this man Id loved for seven years, and suddenly he felt like a complete stranger.

You said youd only ever love me, I said. You said when the lemon tree bore fruit, wed get married. You said

Evie, Im tired, he cut me off. If you want to break up, fine. If you want to continue, fine. I dont care. But remember this: the world is just like this, not as clean as you imagine. Even if you were with someone else, it would be the same.

He let go of me and pulled a keyring from his pocket. See? He dangled the keys. I still keep the most important things. Evie, youre still different to me.

I stared at that key. The year we graduated, when he couldnt find a job, hed gotten drunk, held me, and cried. Evie, I only have you, hed wept like a child. What would I do without you? That old brass key belonged to the tiny, run-down studio apartment hed saved up for ages to rent. When he gave me the key, hed said, This will be our foundation.

Different? Different how? Was I just more qualified than the other women to be his respectable cover?

I snatched the key and hurled it at him. Ian, youre disgusting!

Are you done with your tantrum? He took a step forward, glaring down at me. What do you think you even have left now? You quit your job, you lost your friends, youve spent every day revolving around me! Without me, could you even survive?

He pressed me back, my spine hitting the cold entryway wall. How I live is none of your concern!

If I dont care for you, who will? He raised a hand and gripped my chin, his fingers digging in. Evie, settle down. Mrs. Chen will still be your title. Keep this up, and youll lose everything!

I struggled violently, pushing him away. I dont want it!

He probably hadnt expected me to use such force. He stumbled, instinctively pushing me back. I was standing at the edge of the entryway steps; my foot missed, and I toppled backward. I saw Ians horrified face, his hand reaching out but failing to grasp me.

Seconds later, excruciating pain exploded in my lower abdomen, as if a hand was violently twisting inside me. I curled into a ball, cold sweat instantly soaking my clothes.

Ian rushed over. Evie?!

It hurts

Blood. Warm, thick blood streamed down my legs, staining the pale floor.

I Ill call an ambulance! He fumbled for his phone, fumbling several times before unlocking it.

The doctor removed her mask. Approximately eight weeks pregnant, miscarried. Is the family here?

How Ian stood by the bed, his lips moving. How did she get pregnant now?

The doctor gave him a look, but said nothing. Ian turned to me, his expression complex, a fleeting moment of panic quickly replaced by irritation.

Evie, Im upset about the baby too, but its done. What more do you want from me?

I lay on the hospital bed, my abdomen still throbbing faintly, my heart utterly numb.