Next! Another Prince Charming Bites the Dust

§01

I’m a professional lie detector, and my livestream is where men’s carefully crafted dating profiles come to die.

“Six-foot-two, CEO, eight-pack abs, and… accepts flash marriage.”

I picked my nose, studying the profile on my second monitor.

“He’s looking for a surrogate to pop out a kid for him. Next!”

“Forty-two years old.”

“A man’s golden years are usually about twenty years after that. Tell him to come back when he has a pension. Next!”

“Five-foot-eight.”

“The Height Inflation Rule: if the last digit is five or more, subtract two inches. If it’s less than five, round down to the nearest whole number. He's five-foot-six, tops. Next!”

The male viewers, their fragile egos shattered, were losing their minds in the live chat.

Then, I got a call from a truly high-quality man.

I stared into the camera, still picking my nose.

“You want me to be your sugar mama?

A hundred bucks a month, sound good?

Not enough? Let’s add a zero!

A thousand bucks… over ten months!”

§02

My name is Penelope Croft, but online, they call me “The Profile Reaper.”

I’m a content creator at the perfect age to get married.

Thanks to my mom’s relentless matchmaking barrage, I discovered that the men on these dating apps were about ninety percent fiction.

So, I turned my frustration into a brand.

I started a livestream dedicated to helping my girlies analyze the authenticity of their potential dates.

It’s eight p.m., and tonight’s stream is just getting started.

“Alright, girlies, get your notebooks out. Professor Penny’s class is now in session!

Grab your popcorn, your peanuts, your mineral water, your beer, your soda, your everything. Feet up, let’s go.”

The chat scrolled faster and faster as the viewer count climbed past ten thousand.

I leaned into my mic. “Ladies, one virtual sports car gets you a one-on-one call!”

Before the words even faded, a user named ‘SweetSerenity’ sent a virtual Panamera gliding across the screen.

My eyes lit up. I hit the connect button.

“SweetSerenity, my dear, what can the Reaper do for you?”

Her voice was as soft as honey. “Penny, could you help me analyze this guy’s profile? I need to know if he’s marriage material.”

Damn. Her voice was so sweet.

It was enough to hook me like a fish.

Beaming, I transcribed the man’s details onto the whiteboard behind me, just as she described them.

Height: six-foot-two. Profession: CEO of a well-known chain of high-end cosmetic surgery clinics.

Hobbies: fitness, with an eight-pack to prove it.

Owns a penthouse condo in Hudson Yards and a G-Wagon, both paid in cash. Annual income in the seven figures.

And the kicker: he’s open to a flash marriage.

As I listed each detail, the live chat exploded.

【A real catch! This is a one-in-a-million find!】
【Penny always says guys over six feet don’t need to lie about their height. This one’s legit.】
【Girl, if you don’t marry him, I will!】
【A cosmetic surgery CEO? Damn, he must be gorgeous!】

The chat was a celebration, but I couldn’t crack a smile.

“SweetSerenity, my dear… this guy’s profile is one giant red flag.”

§03

SweetSerenity sounded surprised. “Is something wrong? I’ve met him in person. He’s really handsome.”

To confirm my suspicion, I asked her carefully, “Would you mind showing me a picture of this gentleman?

You can cover his face, of course, for privacy.”

SweetSerenity’s camera flickered on.

A perfectly manicured hand, adorned with diamond rings, covered the man’s face in the photo. The live chat went wild.

【HOLY SH*T, he actually has abs!】
【That V-line… girl, you are blessed.】
【The background is Hudson Yards! That’s top-tier rich!】

Even with his face hidden, the man in the photo looked undeniably impressive.

But the way he was posing… that was the biggest problem of all.

I asked her slowly, “SweetSerenity, my dear, look at how he’s contorting his body. Doesn’t he look like he’s trying to twist himself into a pretzel?”

The chat paused for a fraction of a second.

Then it erupted again.

This time, mostly with insults directed at me.

【Penny’s never even had a boyfriend and she’s out here playing gaydar. Stop spreading rumors.】
【Little girl, let me tell you, trying to get a man’s attention this way is so last season.】
【Just say you’re jealous. You can’t find a good man, so you don’t want anyone else to either.】
【I’m so sick of these streamers. Anything for clicks.】

A few supportive comments were buried in the flood.

【Some of us didn’t believe her before, went on the date, and came back to report that Penny was 100% right.】
【Can you guys let her finish before you start hating?】

But they were quickly washed away, ignored by the mob.

I remained calm and tapped my whiteboard with my marker.

“Don’t rush to conclusions. Let’s break this down, point by point.”

§04

“We’ll skip his looks.

He’s in the cosmetic surgery business. Even if he wasn’t born handsome, he has the means to become handsome.”

My marker struck through the first line on the whiteboard.

“Men over six feet generally don’t lie, and he clearly does have an eight-pack.

His financial situation also seems to be excellent.”

I stared at the camera, posing a soul-crushing question to the chat.

“So here’s the problem: why would a man like this need to go on dating apps?”

The chat froze.

I circled the word “CEO” on the board.

“If his title were ‘consultant,’ he’d most likely be scouting for potential clients.

Dating would just be another way to expand his customer base.

But he’s the CEO.”

I slowly drew a star next to the “paid in cash” car and condo.

“A fully paid-off car and property of this caliber, besides being luxurious, are also firmly classified as pre-marital assets.

He claims a seven-figure annual income now, and let’s assume that’s true.

But can he guarantee that will continue after marriage?”

Finally, I drew three heavy exclamation points after “accepts flash marriage.”

“He’s showing off his superior assets to attract a woman into a quick marriage, and he’s making absolutely no demands of her.

And at the same time, he’s made sure his pre-marital assets are clearly defined and protected.”

I dramatically tossed my marker aside.

I leaned forward, my hands flat on the desk, and raised an eyebrow at the camera.

“So, are you swiping right on that?”

§05

A loud bang echoed through the speakers.

SweetSerenity had slammed her hand on her desk.

Her voice was no longer sweet.

“No wonder he went to the bathroom six times during a two-hour horror movie, saying he had to take a dump!

I thought he just had an upset stomach. Turns out his a**hole is so loose he can’t even hold it in!”

The chat filled with a wave of “LMAOOOOOO.”

A few users offered different opinions.

【Maybe he really did have an upset stomach?】
【Horror movies make you tense. Frequent BMs are a normal reaction.】
【LMAO I’ve heard of frequent peeing, but frequent sh*tting is a new one.】

I tried to console her. “My dear, don’t get too worked up. You might break a nail.”

My attempt at comfort only made her more furious.

“Oh, and he complimented my nails! He said the diamond on my ring finger was beautiful!”

SweetSerenity let out a cold, bitter laugh. “Hah. Every straight guy I’ve ever dated said my manicure looked like pickled chicken feet!”

The call was abruptly disconnected.

The live chat erupted into a full-blown argument.

【See? I told you Professor Penny knows her stuff. Girlies, keep your eyes open out there. Don’t be fooled by what’s on the surface.】
【I can’t believe people actually buy this nonsense. Reported. You’re welcome.】
【I knew something was off. What straight guy twists himself into a corkscrew for a photo?】
【Penny, that was a great speech. Please don’t ever give it again.】

A few male viewers even started spamming the chat with hate.

【Bros, let’s all report her. This streamer is insulting people!】
【This little girl hasn’t even grown all her teeth yet and she dares to lecture her elders.】
【She’s clearly never been disciplined enough. How dare she criticize men.】

I smirked at the camera and began responding to them one by one.

“I’m not insulting anyone. I’m just afraid if I did, you’d enjoy it too much.

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