I Can’t Handle His Love

The sixteenth time I went to bail Nathan out of jail.
This time, I brought the divorce papers with me.
Sophia was sobbing, her story tumbling out between breaths. Clara, please dont be mad. Some guys were harassing me at the club again, and Nate was just trying to protect me.
Nathan looked at me, his voice a soft, placating murmur. Clara, can we please just talk about this at home? Dont make a scene here.
Everyone stared at the bitter smile on the wifes face. No one expected me to slap my husband across his.
Fine, I said, my voice clear and cold. You two can go home and get married.
Just sign the divorce papers and leave me alone.

1
A bitter night wind whipped through my hair. I looked down at the evening gown and heels I had so carefully chosen for the occasion, and a wave of self-loathing washed over me.
Id lost count of how many times Nathan and I had fought over Sophia.
Ever since his ex-girlfriend had returned to the country, my emotions had been a runaway train.
Even today, on my twenty-sixth birthday.
My phone buzzed. It was a text from Nathan, telling me not to be angry, that he remembered my birthday and had a gift for me.
Once, those words would have filled me with joy.
Thats how it always was. Hed offer a gift, a small gesture of affection, and I would forget all my hurt and grievances, my love for him rekindled.
But not this time.
I scrolled through our chat history and saw the sixteenth apology for something involving Sophia.
And in that moment, something inside me settled. The anger was gone. The hurt, the sadnessthey had vanished too.
All that was left was the tired certainty of knowing the ending before the story even begins.
See? I knew what he was going to say.
Every apology was because of her.
The strange thing was, this time, it didn't hurt at all.
I bought myself a hot chocolate.
And I walked home alone.
For me, I guess love can die in an instant.

2
It was past five in the morning when Nathan, bailed out by someone else, finally showed up at my door.
He hammered on the door, shouting that he wouldn't divorce me. He broke a window pane to let himself in, bringing with him the cloying scent of Sophias gardenia perfume.
Clara, Im sorry. I was wrong. Please, forgive me. He reeked of alcohol and tried to touch me, to pull me into an embrace. He had no idea that the thick perfume clinging to him made me want to retch.
I grabbed his wandering hands and threatened to call the police.
His attitude soured instantly. Whats the problem? Weve been married for five years. Whats one more time?
Clara, dont forget, you were the one who said you didnt mind that I had an ex. Now youre going back on your word. You women are such fickle creatures.
Sensing hed gone too far, he softened his tone. I already apologized for what happened at the station. Can we please just stop fighting?
He reached for the sash of my robe.
I said, get out. If you dont leave now, Im calling the cops.
This was the small apartment I had bought before we were married. I have no idea how he even found this place.
I could feel his anger building behind me, a familiar storm I had weathered too many times.
I took him by surprise, grabbing a knife from the kitchen block. When I brandished it with a look of pure disgust and told him to get the hell out, his phone rang.
He glanced at the caller ID, and a look of urgency crossed his face. He quickly tried to placate me one last time before stepping out to take the call.
I knew who it was. Who else would he be so eager to talk to in the middle of the night?
I could hear his voice from the hallway, laced with laughter and the soft, sweet tones he used to use with me, back when we were first in love.
Tears streamed down my face as I tried to block it all out.
I didnt stay in the apartment. I checked into a nearby hotel.

3
I called my best friend. I needed a place to stay for a while.
She was thrilled to have me.
As for Nathan, I knew we were done. Truly done. I planned to have my things moved out of the apartment as soon as possible.
My friend, a staunch bachelorette, knew I was heartbroken. She took a week off work and dragged me to amusement parks, determined to cheer me up.
She knew me. Five years of love doesnt just disappear. A part of me, deep down, was still holding on.
We did everything Id never dared to do before: bungee jumping, skiing, skydiving.
Exhausted but happy, we finally headed back to her cozy little apartment.
But Nathan was there, waiting for us at the bottom of the stairs.
He spoke first, his voice strained. Clara. You seem to be in a good mood, now that Im gone.
Yes. Youve been busy, and so have I. I had no interest in making small talk.
Im sorry, he said suddenly. For ruining your birthday.
In the past, his jealousy would have been a secret thrill. Now, it was just pathetic.
You dont have to apologize. Were not right for each other. When its over, its over. I just wanted the conversation to end.
He hesitated, a look of disappointment on his face when I didn't explode with anger.
Actually, theres something I need to tell you, I began.
I think this relationship
He cut me off, as if he knew what was coming. Clara, Ive already compromised.
Seeing the look on my face, he backtracked. Im so sorry. It was my fault. Please dont
I shattered his illusion. We are not a good match.
And I need you to consider my feelings. Your birthday wasn't the first time, but it will be the last.
You can look at your chat history. The apologies are endless. So many that Im just so, so tired.
Nathan was silent for a long time.
He couldn't meet my eyes. Im sorry, Clara, he whispered. Please dont be angry
I understood. He was still running. He knew there was a problem, but his only solution was to bury me in apologies until I gave up.
The slam of the door echoed in the hallway. This time, I was the one who had slammed it.
It was a release. An end to the emotional entanglement. A final, honest confession to myself.

4
I had already found a new apartment online.
I hailed a cab with my two suitcases. As I settled into the back seat, my phone rang.
It was Nathan. Even if we break up, cant we at least be friends? he asked, his voice full of a bitter sadness.
Im only just realizing what a terrible husband Ive been.
For the past two years, Ive taken you for granted. I havent taken care of you.
No wonder you left me. I was awful.
Clara, Ill change. Ill be the man you fell in love with again. Ill be even better.
I wont let you down again.
I sighed. Theres no point, Nathan. Were done. We dont need to see each other again.
I hung up.
I adapted to my new life with surprising ease.
I was busy. Organizing my new home, buying furniture, focusing on my job, studying for certification exams in my spare time. My days were full from the moment I woke up until my head hit the pillow.
It was a happy kind of busy.
I never thought about Nathan.
Not once.
I didn't care about his life, his relationships. I thought we would never see each other again. The world is a big place. Our paths had diverged.
But one day, I came downstairs and saw him.
He had found my new apartment.
What are you doing here? I blurted out.
Coming home, he said, pointing to the apartment across the hall.
Youve got to be kidding me.
Im not. He held up a grocery bag. I just bought some things for hot pot. Want to join me tonight?
Nathan, are you insane? Why would you move here?
Im not insane. Im being perfectly rational. He was actually smiling.
Youre an adult. You have your own home. Why are you wasting money on rent? This place is on the opposite side of the city from your office. Youre almost thirty, why are you acting like a child?
He just smiled. Im glad you still care about me, Clara.
I tried to leave, to check into a hotel, but he wouldn't let me. He grabbed my arm and tried to drag me back to our old home.
Thats not our home anymore.
Nathan, you cant un-ring a bell. Lets get a divorce.
Why are you so obsessed with getting a divorce?
He just couldnt wrap his head around it. In his mind, I was the one who was always accommodating, the one who couldnt live without him.
Wed been together since college. He was the student body president, handsome and brilliant, with a legion of admirers. I was the quiet, studious girl. Everyone said I was punching above my weight.
To be honest, at first, he thought so too.
If Sophia hadnt gone abroad to study, I never would have had a chance.
So he couldnt understand why I would want to leave him. He thought he was doing me a favor by choosing me. And a charity case has no right to make demands.
He was searching for an explanation. He thought I must have found someone else.
Clara, are you just trying to punish me for neglecting you? I swear, Ill never do it again. I promise!
Can we just drop the divorce talk for now?
He tried to kiss me, but I pushed him away. The thought of him and Sophia made my stomach turn. I wanted nothing to do with him.
That evening, he showed up at my door with several containers of food he had cooked himself.
My heart sank when I saw the plate of shrimp.
Im allergic to shrimp. After all these years, he still didnt know. I never ate seafood.
I just ate some plain rice. He thought I had no appetite and tried to put a shrimp on my plate.
Im allergic to shrimp, I said flatly.
His chopsticks froze mid-air. He retracted his hand awkwardly. Im sorry, Clara. I do remember, I just my heads been all over the place tonight.
It must be because you mentioned divorce. You cant joke like that again.

5
His words meant nothing to me anymore.
A little while later, his phone rang. It was Sophia.
He was instantly frantic. What am I going to do? Sophia is allergic to cats! She cant be around animals! How could she be so careless?
I have to go to the hospital!
I watched him pace like a caged animal, my own heart as still as a frozen lake.
I kept eating my rice. If I didnt take care of myself, who would?
He rushed out without another word to me, though he did manage to shout another sorry over his shoulder. I couldnt understand his obsession.
Not long after he left, my boss, Leo, called.
Clara, are you free for a drink?
I thought for a moment, then agreed.
Leo said he was nearby and would pick me up. I was surprised when he pulled up in a sports car. He was dressed as impeccably as always, but his usually cool demeanor was flushed with alcohol.
Leo had gone to the same university as me, a year behind me. He was a campus legendhandsome, wealthy, the whole package. I never expected to end up working for his company. We usually communicated through messages; we rarely saw each other in person.
Tonight, hed invited me out, and honestly, I needed a drink.
But when we got to the bar, he just started downing glass after glass of whiskey.
You know, he slurred, love is a ridiculous thing. Of all the women Ive met, youre the most reli able.
He passed out.
I managed to get him to his car before I realized I didnt know where he lived. I couldnt very well take him to my place. So I took him to a hotel.
And there, in the hallway, I saw Nathan and Sophia, coming out of the room next to ours.
Our eyes met. We were all stunned.
What what are you doing here? Nathan demanded, as if I was the one who needed to explain.
What are you doing here? I shot back. Shouldnt you be at a hospital for a cat allergy?
I I he stammered.
Sophia glared at me. I asked him to come. So what? You can bring a man to a hotel, why cant he?
I laughed. He can do whatever he wants. Were getting a divorce. Your games have nothing to do with me.
A complicated expression crossed Nathans face. He grabbed my hand. Clara, you cant be so cruel! You promised youd love me forever!
I yanked my hand away from his. Nathan, Ive caught you red-handed. Are you still going to deny it?
Let me explain! Its not what you think! Sophia and I are just friends! We were just talking about some things!
I pushed open the door to their room. It was a mess. Used condoms and stockings were strewn across the floor.
This is what you call talking?
He was speechless.

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