He Can’t Find His Way, I Turned Off the Light

1
My husband, Kristopher, is hopeless with directions. A GPS is just a confusing voice to him. He got so lost on the way to our own wedding that we had to postpone the ceremony for three days.
On our anniversary, a whole table of food Id cooked grew cold while he wandered the city, lost again.
It didn't matter that I was eight months pregnant when I fell in the bathroom and cried out for help. He sounded frantic on the phone, but he still got lost on the five-year-old route home. By the time he finally arrived, I was already at the hospital, and our baby had been cremated.
I was drowning in a fog of grief, but everyone just offered placating words.
You know his silly head; he cant remember roads. He wasn't trying to be late. Don't fight, you'll have another baby.
I just nodded, numb.
But on the way to our son's funeral, I noticed something. Kristopher was driving without the chauffeur, and he navigated a series of back roads with perfect ease right to his assistant's house.
Evelyn, he said, not looking at me, the funeral wont start for a bit. I need to take Zoe to the airport first. She has to get back to her hometown.
He didn't wait for my answer. The car was already pulling up to her door.
The assistant, Zoe, slid into the passenger seat like she owned it. Her words were daggers in my heart.
See how well Ive trained him? she purred, playfully swatting his arm. You forget the way to my place again, and Ill tan your hide.
She finally noticed me in the back and stuck her tongue out playfully. Oh, Mr. Grey, I was just kidding.
I clenched my jaw, my silence a scream he couldn't hear. After dropping Zoe off, Kristopher promptly forgot the way to the cemetery. The funeral was delayed by half an hour.
As I cradled the tiny urn in my hands, my heart turned to stone.
It turned out he could be an exception for someone. It just wasnt for me, or for our child.
I pushed the urn into his hands and got into the drivers seat myself.
The silence in the car was heavy enough to suffocate.
Kristopher rubbed his temples, a flicker of guilt in his eyes. Evelyn, Im sorry. I even reviewed the route last night. I dont know how I still
His words trailed off, but a memory surfaced in my mind: Kristopher, before bed, studying a map on his tablet.
The pin hed marked wasn't the cemetery. It was Zoes house.
Kristopher truly was terrible with directions; hed been getting lost since he was a child, always needing someone to find him. Before we got married, our friends used to joke about it.
Evelyn, youre basically his human GPS. Lets just hope your kids dont inherit that broken compass of his.
But now I knew the truth. There was one place he could always remember.
Those winding roads were never the problem.
He could stay up all night, tracing the path under a lamp, completely oblivious to his wife weeping in the other room over the child theyd lost.
What was I to him?
What was I?
At the funeral, as I placed the small urn into the earth, the tears Id been holding back finally fell.
And in that most sacred moment of remembrance, Kristopher stood up to leave.
Evelyn, somethings happened with Zoe. I have to go.
Zoe. His assistant.
I couldn't count the number of times hed abandoned me for her. The prenatal appointment we were supposed to go to togetherone phone call and he was gone. Our anniversary dinner at the restaurant Id booked months in advancecanceled without a second thought.
This time, my voice was a roar.
You dare walk out of here right now, and we are getting a divorce.
Kristopher froze.
Its an emergency, Evelyn. Dont make a scene.
A bitter, broken laugh escaped my lips. A scene? Im making a scene? Our son is gone, and you, his father, cant spare five minutes to say goodbye? Dont you dare tell me its for work, Kristopher. Anyone else can handle it. What could possibly be so important that only you can do it?
He chewed on his lip, hesitating for a fraction of a second before blurting out, Zoes trying to kill herself. Theres a huge crisis with her family. I cant just ignore it
I cut him off. I gave all the company drivers the day off. You wouldn't even be able to find her place. Call the police, Kristopher. Let them handle it.
He hesitated for a moment, then walked out anyway.
I stood there alone, a solitary figure in black and white, saying farewell to my child. It felt just like my pregnancya journey I had taken all by myself, a child it seemed only I had ever wanted.
After the funeral, I turned on the location tracker Id synced to his car. I watched as Kristopher drove five hundred kilometers without a single wrong turn. Hours later, his cars icon stopped precisely over Zoes hometown. He hadn't wasted a single minute.
It seemed that finally learning to use a GPS had taken a lot out of him. He was unreachable for the rest of the night.
What was left to misunderstand? I pulled out my phone and found my lawyers number.
I need you to draw up divorce papers.

2
The next day, I went to visit Kristophers family. I wasnt expecting him to be there, and certainly not with Zoe in tow.
The expressions around the dinner table were varied, but no one reprimanded Kristopher. The unspoken blame was a heavy blanket smothering the room. After all, I had focused on my career for a decade before finally deciding to have a child, only to lose him. In their eyes, I was the selfish one. The failure was mine alone.
To lose the baby after all that excitement, his grandmother sighed. Such a shame. You two need to hurry up and try for another one.
No one asked why the bathroom floor had been wet that day. No one cared how weak my body was after the miscarriage, or that the stretch marks on my stomach hadnt even faded
The weight of their judgment was crushing me. I put down my chopsticks.
There wont be another one.
His grandmothers smile froze on her face. Kristopher quickly jumped in, patting her hand reassuringly. Evelyns just not ready yet, Grandma. Well try again in a little while.
Later, he cornered me. Why would you say that? You know how much Grandma wants a grandchild.
I looked down at the divorce papers in my purse and laughed a hollow laugh. What did this family think I was? A broodmare?
My children would only be born into a world of love, not to fulfill someone elses expectations.
I pulled out the documents. Sign these. If she wants a grandchild so badly, she can find someone else to give her one.
Kristopher was stunned speechless. But before he could even process what he was looking at, Zoe appeared. I dont know what his rush was, but he scribbled his signature without even reading the papers. It saved me a lot of trouble, but it made the two of us look like we were having a clandestine affair.
A smug smile touched Kristophers lips. That new project was a huge win, and with all the family drama settled, you can have anything you want as a gift. Name it.
Just as I was about to leave, Zoe looked at me with wide, pleading eyes. Evelyn, could I have that necklace youre wearing? Please?
My fingers instinctively went to the chain around my neck. It was a custom piece, one of a set of three for our little family. Kristopher had spent weeks sketching the design, overseeing the craftsman
He didnt even recognize it.
Evelyn, just give it to Zoe, he said casually. You have so much jewelry. You dont need this one.
Zoes face lit up with a triumphant smile.
It felt like a fishbone was lodged in my throat. Every word was pain. Are you sure?
Kristopher leaned in for a closer look. Oh, its that one He paused, a flicker of uncertainty in his eyes. He frowned at me. Look, Evelyn, I already promised her. Its bad form for a boss to go back on his word. How about Ill buy you both a new one later?
My nails dug into my palms, the sting of pain grounding me. I glanced at the signed divorce papers in my purse.
Right. What was there left to care about?
Fine.
My quick agreement seemed to startle him. He looked like he was about to take it back, but I had already unclasped the necklace. Then, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the matching bracelet.
The family set.
Let them have it all.
The moment the necklace was off, a strange sense of lightness washed over me. I planned to leave that very night.
To my surprise, Kristopher followed me out.
Evelyn, are you angry? Ill buy you a new one right now. Look, pick whichever one you like. He held out his phone, showing me an entire collection.
He was right. I didnt lack for jewelry. What I lacked was his heart.
And since he didnt have it to give, I didnt want it anymore.
I tapped a random image on the screen and drove back to our house to pack.
I didnt expect him to follow me home. He stood awkwardly in the doorway, rubbing his hands together. I just followed your car the whole way. Zoes feeling much better, so I sent her home.
I ignored him and started clearing out the nursery.
He watched me for a moment, confused. Why are you getting rid of all this so soon? Well just have another baby, and well have to set it all up again.
Even now, he thought I was just throwing a tantrum.
Of course he did. Hed never experienced the morning sickness. Never felt the baby kick. He had no idea how every tiny flutter had been tethered to my heart.
A wave of emotion crested, but I forced the tears back down.
I fell into a heavy, dreamless sleep. When I woke up, the last person I expected to see was Zoe.
She was kneeling on my doorstep.
Evelyn, please, you have to help me, she begged. Youre the only one who can.
I stared at her, utterly bewildered. Kristopher tried to pull her up, but she remained rooted to the ground.
My grandmother is all alone in the cemetery back home, she sobbed. I want to bring her to the city. Please, Im begging you, give her a home here.
I almost slammed the door in her face. This was a matter for a funeral director, not for me.
Kristopher blocked the door. Shes never asked you for anything, Evelyn. Just hear her out.
Zoes face was a mask of grief. Your sons plot the baby was so small, he doesnt need all that space. Cant you just share a part of it? Its just sitting there empty
She wanted me to bury her grandmother in my sons grave?
The refusal was instant and absolute.
Zoes eyes turned a desperate, raw red. There isnt another plot in the city with such a peaceful spot Evelyn, please, cant you see this is my last act of love for her
Dont even think about it, I said, my voice like ice.
But Kristopher stepped in my way. Evelyn, I have a say in this too. Sharing a plot isnt that weird. Dont be so old-fashioned.
His words were a blade that split me open. I grabbed his shirt, and my hand flew up, the crack of the slap echoing in the morning air.
You say that again. Im telling you, over my dead body.
Zoe scrambled to her feet, shielding Kristopher. Evelyn, if youre angry, take it out on me! Dont be like this! Its fine, Ill just take my grandmother back home.
I thought the absurd affair was over.
That night, Kristopher stormed in, his eyes wild. He grabbed my shoulders, shaking me.
Zoe already gave up! What is wrong with you? Why would you send her a threatening letter? Its a tragedy that our son had a mother like you! No wonder he chose to leave!
I just stared at him, the world tilting on its axis as tears streamed down my face.
What?
He must have realized hed gone too far, because his tone softened slightly. I know youre upset, but you didnt have to threaten her. Zoe already dropped the whole thing. Youve scared the poor girl so much she cant even sleep.
I was resolute. Im calling the police, Kristopher. I will not take the blame for something I didnt do. And we are getting a divorce!
He actually believed her, believed this pathetic, clumsy lie.
I remembered our wedding vows. He had smiled, his eyes full of adoration, and said, Whatever you say, Ill believe it. If it doesnt come from you, I wont believe it.
That privilege still existed. It had just been given to someone else.
Just like I used to be his navigator.
And now that he had learned to read a map for someone else, I was useless.
Arguing was pointless. The front door slammed shut.
Kristopher was gone again. He didn't even realize how little time he spent at home anymore.
The day I returned from giving my statement to the police, I got a frantic call from the cemetery administrator.
Ms. Reed? Theres a group of men here at your family plot. Theyre trying to dig up the grave! They say theyre here for a joint burial and that your husband approved it.
My heart seized. I jumped in my car and sped toward the cemetery.
By the time I arrived, they had already dug halfway down. I launched myself at them, shoving them away from the disturbed earth.
Who are you? Get away from here! What are you doing at my sons grave?
A couple of the burly men grabbed me and threw me to the ground.
Shut up, lady. This is Zoes spot now. Well do whatever we want.
They pinned me down, their weight crushing the air from my lungs.
I screamed for him. Where is Kristopher? Where is Zoe? I dont believe he would do this! He promised he would stop this!
They just laughed.
I watched, helpless, as they opened the grave, pulled out my sons tiny urn, and set it aside to make room for Zoes grandmothers casket.
My sons ashes were just tossed on the dirt.
Then, a boot came down right on the urn.
NO! I shrieked, my voice tearing from my throat.
The small box shattered, and the ashes, my son, scattered on the wind.
I was a mess, crawling on the ground, desperately trying to gather the dust between my fingers. He was so small, just a tiny handful of ashes. The breeze took him, and he was everywhere and nowhere at once. I tried with all my might, but I couldn't save any of him.
My spirit broke.
I was still on the ground when the grave was sealed again. Only then did Kristopher and Zoe finally rush over.
Zoe ran to the men and slapped them theatrically. What are you doing? I told you Ms. Reed didn't agree! We were taking Grandma back home! How could you just come here and dig up the grave on your own?
The men shuffled their feet, lowering their heads. Uh sorry about that, Mr. Grey. We mustve misheard. We just thought Grandmas final rest was the most important thing.
Kristopher looked at the chaos, at my tear-streaked, dirt-smeared face. I was clutching a worthless piece of splintered wood. Not a speck of ash remained.
The anger that had started to rise in him was quickly extinguished. He crouched down beside me.
Evelyn, he said softly, whats done is done. Lets just let it go. They know they were wrong. We can light a memorial lamp for him at a church.
I scrambled to my feet and lunged at him, a wild animal. That man stepped on him on purpose! An eye for an eye, Kristopher! Im going to smash his grandmothers urn and scatter her ashes to the wind!
Zoes eyes immediately filled with tears. Evelyn, my grandmother was an old woman. She doesnt deserve that kind of disrespect. Besides, my brothers are a little hot-headed, but theyre not bad people. They would never do something like that.
So my son deserved it.
Kristopher, who do you believe?
He hesitated for a single, damning second. Then, he moved his body, silently, deliberately, blocking my path.
I stared at him, unable to believe that a father could treat his own child this way.
For Zoe? I whispered. You would go this far for her?
He scowled. I just dont want things to get more complicated. Itll just make everyone miserable. Whats done is done. Lets just call it even for the threatening letter.
I bit the inside of my cheek until I tasted blood. I shoved him away. I told you, I didnt send that letter! I filed a police report! No one is touching my sons final resting place!
Ignoring the ugly look on his face, I took a rock and smashed the windshield of our wedding car before driving away.

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