A Slacker's Guide to Saving the Villain
If I die raise my son. My bank PIN is
The villainess, Seraphina, had shoved me out of the way. She was left broken on the asphalt, and those were her last words before she was gone.
After a long search, I finally found him in a group home on the other side of the state. The moment I walked out of the building with him, a strange text began to scroll across my vision, like subtitles for a movie I was trapped in.
[What the hell? Who is this random woman? Why did she adopt the little villain?]
[This kid is a carbon copy of his motherdark, paranoid, the whole package.]
[Even his own father disowned him, threw him in the system while adopting another kid. This woman must have a death wish.]
I looked down at the small boy beside me, swallowed by a threadbare coat. I decided the subtitles were full of crap. A little dark and paranoid? Thats not a terminal illness.
1
Come on, I said, opening the car door for him.
He didnt move. His gaze was locked on a car parked across the street. I followed his eyes. A sleek, black Maserati.
[The little villain must be furious. His own father, choosing to adopt some other kid instead of him.]
[Thats not just some other kid. Thats Ethan, the storys hero. Born with a halo over his head, top of his class in brains and charm.]
[And this poor kid, the villain, is doomed to spend his life trying to compete with a guy he can never beat.]
The subtitles, my constant companions, were chattering again. It meant the author was updating the story. That truck crash had killed Seraphina, but it had also taken the original heroine. A whole new cycle of tragedy was just getting started.
I glanced back at the luxury car, then gently turned the boys head and guided him into my own.
Lets go. If you like that car so much, we can buy one.
He scowled, his small face tight with defiance. I dont want you to buy it for me. When Im older, Ill buy my own.
Well, well.
My son has ambition.
The drive home was silent. When we got to my apartment, he stood in the middle of the living room, his small fists clenched, glaring at me like a cornered animal.
Just so were clear. Youre not my mom. I already have one.
Call me whatever you want, I said, shrugging. By the way, whats your name? It occurred to me that Id gone through this whole process without actually catching it. The director of the home had mentioned it, but I was too busy reading the subtitles in my head.
He remained silent.
If you dont tell me, Im going to have to pick one for you. Lets see how about Brayden? All the cool kids in kindergarten are named Brayden.
I grinned.
Leo, he bit out, stomping his foot in frustration.
What was that?
My name is Leo!
I chuckled. Leo. Strong name. I like it. Ill call you Leo, my boy.
Dont! That sounds stupid. My name is Leo.
Alright, Leo, my boy, its late. Time for bed. Weve got to get you registered for school tomorrow.
I scooped him up, dropped him into the small bed Id prepared, tucked him in, and walked out.
2
The next morning, after registering Leo for school, I realized the hero of this story, Ethan Sterling, was not only in the same class but was also Leos new deskmate.
[And so it begins. Get ready to watch the hero put the villain in his place.]
[In this kind of old-school rivalry plot, the villain is destined to be crushed.]
[The sad part is, he doesnt know it. He thinks if he just works hard enough, he can win.]
[Get real. Ethans the main character. The whole world revolves around him. A minor villain will never see the spotlight.]
The damned subtitles were back, and their commentary was particularly nasty today.
Never see the spotlight?
The kid Im raising can be whatever he wants. Even if he chooses to be a couch potato, he'll be the best damn couch potato there is.
That evening, after Leo finished his homework, he found me watching cartoons in the living room. I need to sign up for tutoring, he announced. For Math, English, and Science. All of them.
Youre in second grade. What do you need tutors for? I patted the cushion next to me. Come on, watch Bobs Burgers with me. Its a classic.
He gave the television a look that could curdle milk.
I need it! I have to get first place on the final exams! If you dont sign me up, Ill report you for neglect.
Threats? Seriously? Did he have any idea who he was dealing with?
Fine, fine, you win. Ill find a tutoring center for you tomorrow.
Seeing that Id agreed, he turned and marched back to his room to study.
The next day after school, I picked him up and drove him straight to the citys athletic club. The look on his face was a mix of confusion and fury.
I said Math, English, and Science. What is this? Swimming and tennis lessons?
Well, I noticed youre a little skinny. Gotta build up that physique, I said brightly. Its all about a well-rounded education, you know? Mind, body, and spirit. I tried to give him a reassuring hug, but he dodged me.
And the cooking class? he asked, pointing to a third registration form. Is that for my physique, too?
That that was a freebie! Its a tough economy out there, you know. They had a buy-two-get-one-free deal. It wouldve been a waste not to take it.
My own cooking is so bad, my dog wont eat it. Id stumbled upon a kid with a stubborn, obsessive drive to be the best. I had to channel that talent toward the kitchen. For my own survival.
I dont want this. Change them. Im not learning any of this. He was so angry he ripped the forms to shreds.
I reached into my bag and pulled out three more copies. Those were just printouts. Ive got plenty more. I leaned in conspiratorially. Youre not scared, are you? Scared you wont be good at it?
Who says I wont be good at it? he shot back, his pride wounded. I can be the best at anything.
Leo snatched the forms from my hand, swung his little backpack over his shoulder, and stormed into the building.
[Some mothers just dont get it. Ethans parents have him in advanced math programs, and this woman has the villain signed up for swimming, tennis, and a cooking class.]
[Hes already falling behind. The hero is in the math olympiad, and the villain cant even get a real tutor. Hes never going to catch up in this lifetime.]
I waved a dismissive hand at the subtitles in my vision and found a comfortable bench to play games on my phone.
3
Throughout elementary school, it was a constant battle of wills between Leo and me.
Hed try to stay up all night studying, and Id flip the circuit breaker at ten oclock sharp.
Hed read dense, historical biographies, and Id swap them out for books on weird animal facts.
On weekends, hed try to grind through practice exams, and Id drag him on a six-mile hike back from a park on the other side of town.
During school breaks, hed descend into a frenzy of test prep, and Id counter with my own frenzy of blasting 80s power ballads and learning TikTok dances.
Rosemary, can you please be quiet for one second? The middle school entrance exam is next week!
Hed finally reached his breaking point. He stormed into the living room and yanked the plug on my speaker.
Its just a middle school exam, not the bar. What are you so nervous about? I said. Besides, your Aunt Carol and Aunt June are coming over for poker later. We need a fourth.
He could be a dark, paranoid villain-in-training all he wanted. But when faced with three unreasonable women who needed another player for their card game, even the most determined villain is powerless.
Leo played poker with us all afternoon. He lost fifty bucks.
[A villain is a villain. Cant do anything right.]
[The hero gets straight As and can probably beat a grandmaster at chess. This kid studies himself to death and is still stuck in second place.]
[And with a mother like that, his dream of ever beating the hero is just that. A dream.]
The subtitles were getting snarky. But they werent entirely wrong.
Leo worked incredibly hard, even if his motivation was to one-up Ethan. He was a dedicated kid. No TV, no video games, just studying the moment he finished dinner. The only time he acted out was when his grades werent better than the heros, which usually resulted in a few broken pencils.
A parent obsessed with academic achievement would have been thrilled to have a kid like him. Unfortunately for him, he got me, a professional slacker. I didnt want him to become the bitter, obsessive person the subtitles described. I wanted him to be a happy, well-adjusted kid who knew how to enjoy life.
The week before the exam, one of my poker buddies got her hands on a box of wild mushrooms someone had brought back from a trip to Oregon.
We turned them into a soup. It was delicious.
Leo even had a bowl.
Youre four grown adults, and you dont know not to eat strange mushrooms? the doctor said, looking at the five of usfour adults and one childall being treated for food poisoning. He was exasperated.
But no one was more furious than Leo. We were stuck in the hospital for days. The middle school entrance exam came and went.
4
Im so sorry, Leo. I really am. I had no idea your Aunt Carols mother-in-law foraged those herself on a hiking trip.
I didnt care about his academics, but I hated seeing him this heartbroken. Ethan, the hero, had aced the exam, scoring the highest in the city. He was headed to Northwood Preparatory, the best of the best.
After we got home from the hospital, Leo locked himself in his room and refused to eat.
To cheer him up, I gritted my teeth and made a decision.
Leo, my boy, look what Ive got. I slid an envelope under his door.
The door flew open a second later.
What is this? he demanded, holding up the acceptance letter from Northwood Preparatory. I didnt even take the test!
Heh, I said, grinning. I made a fifty-thousand-dollar donation to their new gymnasium fund. They were happy to make an exception.
Son, were rich. Even if you do nothing for the rest of your life, even if you just want to be a couch potato, I can make sure youre comfortable.
It was time he learned the power of money.
Thats cheating!
No one has to know.
But Ill know! His face was beet red.
I put a finger to my lips. And if you know, you just dont say anything. Simple.
He was still just a kid. For all his protests, when the first day of school arrived, he was there with his backpack on, ready to go.
That evening, as I was getting ready for bed, he started packing a duffel bag with clothes and bedding. Im going to live in the dorms, he announced.
I couldnt bear the thought. If he left, who would be my poker fourth? Who would cook for me?
Leo, my boy, the dorms are gross. Its much more comfortable at home. Come on, stay here.
He didnt stop packing. Im in junior high now. High school is in three years. This time, I am going to beat Ethan Sterling. I have to live at school. You cant stop me.
[Heh. Beat the hero? In his dreams. The harder he tries, the crazier hell get. Hes heading for a complete breakdown.]
[Isnt this the period where his paranoia gets worse? Living in the dorms is what pushes him over the edge, right? He starts having mental health issues.]
[He brings it on himself. Always trying to one-up the hero, trying to prove himself to his biological father. It just makes him more pathetic.]
[Its useless. His mother was the villainess who got his fathers true love killed. No amount of effort will ever change that.]
Enough! I shouted at the words scrolling in my vision.
Leo turned, his eyes wide with surprise.
I forced a smile. I mean, enough of those old clothes. You dont need to pack so much. Ill buy you new ones.
The subtitles had terrified me. I couldnt let Leo have a breakdown.
In the end, he went to the dorms.
But he only lasted two weeks.
5
Leo, my boy! Moms here to see you! Are you kicking your blankets off at night?
Honey, youve only been here a week, and you look like youve lost five pounds!
Your Aunt Carol and the girls miss you! She made you her famous chicken soup. You have to drink it while its hot.
I made the trip to his school every single day, a thermos of food in one hand and a bag of clean laundry in the other.
I cant believe Leo is such a mamas boy.
I know, right? Hes in junior high, and hes still so clingy.
And when his mom called him Leo, my boy? I literally got goosebumps.
I overheard a few girls whispering in the hallway. Leos face was a mask of cold fury.
After another week of my daily deliveries, he couldnt take it anymore. He moved back home.
At the end of his eighth-grade year, he placed second in his entire grade.
He locked himself in his room again, refusing to come out for the entire day.
You got the second-highest score in the whole school. What more do you want? I said, using the spare key to let myself in.
What good is second place? he said, his face devoid of emotion. He was still first.
I knew who he was.
So, according to you, only the person in first place deserves to live? Everyone else should just give up?
Thats not what I meant.
Thats exactly what you meant! I never argued with him, but this time, I had to. So what if you beat Ethan Sterling? There will always be someone better than him out there. Are you going to spend your whole life trying to beat every single person on the planet?
I I just cant stand it! Why? Why did my mother have to be the villain? His voice cracked. Why did my father disown me for some other woman? What did I do wrong?
I just want to show him. I want to be the best. I want him to regret it. I want revenge for my mother.
Tears started streaming down his face as he spoke, and my heart ached for him.
Oh, you foolish kid, I said softly. If your mom were still alive, the only thing she would want is for you to be happy.
And whether she was a villain or not isnt for other people to decide. As long as you dont believe it, then shell never be one in your heart.
As for your father he made his choice. Everyone makes their own choices. You dont have to do anything because of a choice someone else made.
When I finished, Leo said nothing. He just curled up on his bed, lost in thought. I sighed and pulled a blanket over him.
You know, no matter what you score, youll always be number one to me. The absolute best.
Leo could be obsessive, but only about his own goals. He could be withdrawn, but he had never tried to hurt anyone. He might be the storys dark, paranoid villain, but at the end of the day, he was just a child starved for love. I couldnt understand why the subtitles had to be so cruel. Was this what gave keyboard warriors their sense of accomplishment?
In the days that followed, Leo studied even harder. I knew my words wouldnt change him overnight, but things were getting better. He no longer locked himself away, no matter how poorly he thought hed done on a test.
I thought the high school entrance exam would be a turning point. But disaster struck again.
6
Is my entire life destined to be a failure?
No matter how hard I try, its useless. Fate just loves to mess with me!
On the first day of the high school entrance exam, Leo was in a car accident. He was unconscious for two days. Just like with middle school, he missed the test.
And Ethan Sterling was, once again, the top scorer in the city.
A news report featuring an interview with him was playing on the hospital room TV. Leo sat on his bed, his knuckles white as he gripped the sheets.
[The villains paranoid personality is about to be fully awakened. I bet hes going to try and get revenge on the hero.]
[Whats the point of revenge? Hes the hero. He cant be killed.]
[Honestly, I kind of feel bad for the villain. All that hard work for nothing.]
I was terrified Leo would do something reckless. That he would snap. That he would go after Ethan.
So, that night, I drove him out of the city. We drove for eight hours, crossed three mountain ranges, and took one ferry.
Finally, we arrived at my grandmothers house in the middle of nowhere.
Grandma, the kid bombed his exams and hes throwing a fit. Im leaving him with you for the summer, I explained. Watch him closely. Dont let him wander off, especially not near the river.
I left her a thousand dollars and was gone before dawn.
The next day, Leo somehow got his hands on a phone and called me.
Rosemary, you come get me right now. I need to repeat the year and study for the retake!
Whats that? You want to jump in the lake? Sorry, cant hear you, bad connection.
I hung up. He called back immediately.
If you dont come get me, Ill walk back myself.
Ha. No one had ever escaped from my grandmas watch. Not even the livestock.
[This is hilarious. The villain was ready for his comeback, and she just shipped him off to the countryside.]
[Is this some kind of reality show? Look at him, his hair is all messed up.]
[This woman is unbelievable. Does whatever she wants. A GPS would get lost trying to find that place.]
The subtitles were having a field day. I chuckled as I shuffled my poker cards, reading their commentary.
My grandma she was one of a kind.
A paranoid villain? She once made a wild monkey from the mountain do chores for two days before letting it go. Leo stood no chance.
He stayed in the countryside for two months. His days were filled with feeding chickens, herding cattle, and cutting grass for the pigs. He was so exhausted by the end of the day that hed fall asleep the moment his head hit the pillow, with no time to dwell on his misfortunes. His appetite grew, too. Grandma called to tell me he was eating three large bowls of rice at every meal and that I needed to send more money.
September first rolled around. The autumn breeze signaled the start of a new school year. It was time to go get my son.
7
Standing at the entrance of the states top-ranked public high school, Leo hesitated.
You didnt do the same thing you did for middle school, did you? he finally asked.
I pulled his luggage from the trunk and grinned. Of course not. This is a state-level magnet school. This one cost a hundred thousand.
The principal couldnt stop smiling. I think I paid for his new boat.
Perhaps because hed grown accustomed to my methods over the years, he didnt protest this time. As I was leaving the school, he suddenly called out to me.
Im going to work hard these next three years. I wont let you down. I wont let your money go to waste.
Seeing his earnest expression, I patted his shoulder. Youve got it all wrong. I spent the money to make you happy, not to make you work yourself to death.
As long as youre happy for these three years, I dont care if youre a straight-F student.
And after three years, if you still want to go to college, Ill buy you a spot in one of those, too. Any fancy university you want. Ive got the money.
The most important thing in life is to be happy. Everything else is just noise.
Its not that I like school, he started, I just
I know. You have your own plans. I cut him off gently. But my plan is this: no matter what your plans are, or how they turn out, I will always be your safety net.
[Damn it, why am I getting emotional over this random woman?]
[Me too. The villains life has been tragic, but finding a mother like her feels like winning the lottery.]
[It wont matter. A villain is a villain. The heroine is about to make her appearance. The real rivalry starts now.]
What?
I stopped in my tracks, focusing on every word of the subtitles. It took me a minute to piece it all together. The main heroine, a girl named Ava Chen, was about to enter the picture. And my son, the villain, was going to fall obsessively in love with her. For ten years, his obsession would drive him mad, leading to an intense rivalry with the hero.
In the end, she would marry the hero, and Leo, in his despair, would kill himself.
Absolutely not.
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