No What Ifs

The popular girl at school got her period and stained her dress.

Without a second thought, I swapped clothes with her.

But when I went to buy her some pads, the cold, aloof top student who had always ignored me suddenly approached me in the aisle.

Did you find what you need? Give it to me, I'll pay.

Even my sharp-tongued childhood friend, the one who loved mocking me more than anyone, looked incredibly gentle and soft in that moment.

"You, you look really pretty today."

I froze in place.

I actually believed my quiet kindness had finally been noticed by the people around me.

Until I turned around to say thank you.

The two handsome boys frowned, their expressions instantly hardening as they spoke in unison:

"Why is it you?"

The first to react was my childhood friend, Ryder.

He was leaning lazily against the metal shelves, but the moment he realized who I was, he shoved my shoulder with a careless hand.

An arrogant smirk crawled back onto his face.

"What the hell?

"What kind of phase are you going through today, trying to wear a dress like everyone else?"

Ryder let out a sharp scoff, letting his eyes wander over me with blatant amusement before laughing out loud.

"Are you out of your mind? You look like you're wearing a white potato sack.

"What kind of trash style is this? It looks hideous.

"Look, if you seriously don't know how to pick out a dress, just throw on a black garbage bag next time. At least that way..."

He leaned down slightly, lowering his face to mine.

Slowly, mockingly, he whispered, "It might actually hide the ugly."

My fingers tightened around the boxes of pads and heating patches in my arms.

The plastic packaging crinkled loudly in the quiet aisle.

Just then, a soft chuckle floated from above.

It was a quiet sound, the kind of polite laugh someone lets out when they hear a stupid joke but want to keep the conversation from dying.

But to me, that soft chuckle sounded like a thunderclap.

It came from Wood, the boy I had spent the last three months desperately trying to get to notice me.

I lowered my eyes, biting my lip so hard it hurt.

I forced myself not to scream at Ryder, terrified that if I lost my temper like I usually did, any tiny shred of respect Wood had for me would vanish forever.

But my silence only made Ryder push harder.

"Wow, look at our resident drama queen. What is wrong with you today? You're actually keeping your mouth shut?"

He reached out, mockingly tapping his knuckles against my forehead.

"Well, you don't have a fever."

His eyes drifted downward, landing on the items clutched tightly against my chest.

A slow, knowing smile spread across his face.

"Oh, I get it. You're on your period.

"I almost forgot you're actually a girl.

"Though, honestly, I always thought girls were supposed to look more like your desk-mate to count as the real deal."

I trembled with a mixture of rage and humiliation.

Tears blurred my vision, turning the brightly lit store into a smear of colors. The only clear thing left was a pastel pink thermal flask suddenly thrust into my field of vision.

I stared at the pale, elegant hand holding the flask.

Slowly raising my head, I realized it belonged to Wood, the guy who usually treated me like I was invisible.

I was too stunned to move.

It took me several seconds of staring before I reached out and took the flask, my voice trembling.

"Is this for me?"

Wood looked down at me from his height.

His eyes lingered on my red, tear-stained eyes for a fraction of a second.

His throat bobbed. He looked away, his expression returning to its usual cold indifference.

"Give it to Genevieve.

"Her cycle is coming up, and I know she gets bad cramps.

"Inside is..."

"I'll give it to her," I interrupted, my heart sinking into my stomach. I clutched the flask and ran toward the registers like a coward trying to escape a battlefield.

But as I stood in line to pay, I could still hear Ryder's lazy voice echoing from the back of the store, talking to Wood.

"Seriously, didn't she look ridiculous in that dress?

"You should have seen her when we did track together as kids. She ran like a burly lumberjack.

"I never thought I'd see the day Paige actually squeezed herself into a skirt."

I didn't turn around to see if Wood was looking at me.

But I heard his quiet, dismissive reply.

"Yeah."

I walked back to the classroom with my head down, feeling completely hollow.

When I pushed the door open, I didn't announce my arrival with a cheerful shout like I usually did. I didn't call out, Hey, Genevieve! I got your stuff!

I just walked quietly toward my seat.

As usual, Genevieve's desk was surrounded by a crowd of popular kids.

They were spilled over onto my chair, completely blocking my way.

I heard one of the girls ask her, "So, Genevieve, who is it going to be? Wood, the star student, or Ryder, the varsity captain?"

It was a question Genevieve got asked almost every single day.

She always avoided giving a straight answer.

But whenever the crowd dispersed, she would hold my hand with a sweet, reassuring smile and whisper, Don't listen to them, Paige. Wood and I just take prep classes together. We're just friends. If you like him, you should totally go for it!

But today, for some reason, my feet glued themselves to the floor.

I stayed back, wanting to hear what she really thought.

Genevieve offered a bright, dimpled smile, her voice dripping with playful sweetness.

"Ugh, why do you guys have to ask such hard questions?

"Wood is amazing, but Ryder is so sweet too. It's impossible to choose."

Someone laughed, nudging her shoulder. "Just pick the one who treats you best. One of those handsome boys is going to end up heartbroken anyway."

I stood frozen in the shadow of the doorway.

I watched Genevieve twirl a lock of her hair around her finger, looking utterly helpless.

"But they both treat me so well.

"I mean, look at Ryder. He's so incredibly rude to Paige, and they've literally grown up together. But he's always so gentle and attentive with me.

"And Wood? Paige has been throwing herself at him for three months, and he won't even look her in the eye. But he treats me so differently."

She let out a heavy, dramatic sigh, as if carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.

"There's only one of me, you know?

"I don't want to make a reckless decision and hurt either of them.

"So I guess I'll just have to wait and see how they behave."

The warning bell for the next class rang right on cue.

Genevieve shrugged playfully, telling everyone to get back to their seats.

When her eyes finally landed on me standing in the doorway, she pouted with slight irritation.

"What took you so long to buy some simple pads?

"The break is almost over, and now I don't even have time to go to the bathroom.

"I was actually planning to go find..."

"That'll be twenty dollars," I said, tossing the plastic bag onto her desk. I kept my eyes fixed forward, my voice completely flat. "Venmo me."

She didn't notice the coldness in my voice.

Assuming I had simply been rejected by Wood again, she offered a few empty, rehearsed words of comfort.

I ignored her.

When the final bell rang at the end of the day, she tapped my shoulder with the eraser end of her pencil.

"Paige, I'm going out to dinner with my parents tonight, so I won't have time to finish the history essay.

"The usual deal. You do mine, and I'll give you a choice. Either I convince Wood to tutor you tomorrow, or I'll give Ryder a piece of my mind so he behaves himself around you."

Genevieve smiled, sliding her notebook onto my desk.

"Make sure you copy my handwriting carefully. The teacher almost noticed last time."

I didn't reach for the notebook.

Instead, I stood up, swung my backpack over my shoulder, and looked her in the eye.

"No.

"There's too much homework tonight, and I need to study. I have to stay up late to finish my own work."

Genevieve snapped upright, her eyes wide with disbelief.

"Ryder hasn't been bothering you lately, so forget about him.

"But this is a private tutoring session with Wood we're talking about!

"Paige, don't tell me you don't like him anymore?"

The memory of Wood's momentary gentleness in the store flashed through my mind, leaving a dull, aching pain in my chest.

But the harsh reality of why he had been gentle woke me up.

"Yeah," I said quietly.

I walked toward the classroom door, speaking loud enough for the remaining students to hear.

"I don't like Wood anymore.

"And I don't need Ryder's fake apologies."

Just as I reached the hallway, Ryder's sarcastic voice cut through the air.

"Wow, Paige. Look at you, talking big.

"Who gave you permission to act so tough? What's next, are you going to say you're cutting ties with me?

"Come on, let's go. My mom made your favorite dinner tonight..."

"Great idea," I interrupted, staring straight at him. Every word was sharp and deliberate. "Cutting ties sounds perfect."

Without looking at his stunned, turning-pale face, I pushed past him and walked away.

I didn't look at Wood once.

Behind me, I heard Genevieve call out in an irritated tone, "Wood! I've called your name three times. What are you staring at?"

On the walk home, I realized it had been a very long time since I had experienced such silence.

Usually, my afternoons were spent either trying to find excuses to linger near Wood, or dealing with Ryder walking beside me, bickering and arguing all the way to my front door.

But today, the air was peaceful.

It felt as though the noisy world had shrunk, leaving only me.

A thought slowly bloomed in my mind: Is it possible that my value as a person doesn't need to be validated by anyone else?

The thought made my steps feel lighter.

I stopped to feed a stray kitten near the alley.

I helped an elderly lady pick up the oranges that had rolled out of her torn grocery bag after a passing car startled her.

I even guided a visually impaired woman to the entrance of the subway station.

By the time I finally reached my porch, Ryder was leaning against the railing, waiting for me.

Ryder looked at the dirty white dress I was still wearing.

He opened his mouth, clearly wanting to make some biting remark, but he forced himself to swallow the words.

He cleared his throat, holding out a brown paper bag toward me.

"I got you those loaded garlic fries you love. The ones from the food truck downtown.

"The line was insanely long.

"Eat them before they get cold."

The rich, savory scent of garlic and melted cheese drifted into the cool air.

Ryder shoved his hands into his pockets, chewing his gum nervously, watching me out of the corner of his eye.

I knew this was his way of apologizing.

He was offering a bridge.

Usually, I would take it, and everything would go back to normal.

But this time, I didn't want to.

Before I could figure out how to tell him, my phone vibrated in my pocket. It was a call from Genevieve.

Her voice was bright and bubbling.

"Paige! Did Ryder apologize to you yet?"

I remained silent.

She let out a dramatic, giggling sigh on the other end.

"Oh my god, he's so ridiculous. I casually mentioned in our group chat that I was craving those garlic fries, and he literally went and stood in that massive line to buy them. He even brought them to the restaurant where I was having dinner with my parents! I couldn't exactly take them in front of my parents, so I told him to take them to you instead!

"Tell me, did he look sorry? If he wasn't nice about it, let me know. I'll stop talking to him until he learns how to behave!"

I didn't care about her warning.

Only one word stuck in my mind.

"Group chat?" I asked, my voice flat. "What group chat? Do the three of you have a chat?"

There was a sudden, awkward silence on the other end.

"Oh... oops," Genevieve muttered, her tone turning defensive. "I wasn't supposed to say that.

"But Paige, don't be mad. Wood was the one who"

"It's fine," I said quietly, and hung up the phone.

Before Ryder could speak, before he could offer whatever excuse he was preparing, I snatched the bag of fries from his hands and threw them directly into the trash can next to the porch.

Then, I slammed the front door shut, locking it with a heavy click.