My Online Boyfriend Is A Snake

My online boyfriend is a bit of a weirdo.

He constantly sends me pictures of his pet snake, always asking me if I think the little guy is handsome.

I honestly am not a huge fan of reptiles.

But my virtual boyfriend is a god at video games, has a voice like liquid velvet, and is incredibly generous with his wallet.

So, I routinely swallow my conscience and shower the reptile with praise.

"Absolutely gorgeous!"

"That is literally the most handsome snake I have ever seen in my entire life!"

He would always text back, "Does my baby like him?"

I would reply in seconds. "I love him! So much!"

Fully satisfied, the man on the other end of the screen would casually wire me five thousand dollars.

Eventually, I wanted to meet up in real life.

But when I arrived at our agreed location, the only thing waiting for me was that little black snake.

It was incredibly easy to recognize the little black snake.

After all, Asher sent me pictures of him every single day.

"This is his front profile."

"This is his back."

"Here is a side view."

I practically had the reptile's anatomy memorized.

So, even though the little black snake had been meticulously groomed today, wearing a miniature top hat and a tiny silk bowtie, I recognized him instantly.

The strange part was that Asher was nowhere to be found.

I mean, I look pretty good in person.

There was no way he got spooked by my appearance, abandoned his precious pet, and made a run for it, right?

Maybe he just stepped out to take a call or grab something from a store.

I thought about standing a bit further away to wait.

But the moment the little snake locked his emerald-green slit pupils on me, his eyes lit up with an unnatural brightness.

He let out a soft hiss.

He genuinely seemed thrilled to see me.

I was still a little creeped out.

But then I remembered this was the beloved pet of my stupidly rich, overly generous internet boyfriend.

I had to put on the performance of a lifetime.

Bracing myself, I sat down next to him.

The light in the little snake's eyes grew even brighter. He happily wiggled the very tip of his tail, slowly inching closer to me.

Swallowing the urge to scream, I put on my best gentle, maternal smile.

I even reached out and lightly teased his chin.

Sitting alone at a table with a reptile was getting incredibly awkward, so I gathered my courage and spoke to it.

"You are so cute."

The little snake actually seemed to understand me.

A faint, rosy flush miraculously appeared on his dark, scaly face.

Testing the waters, I added, "You look even better in person than in your photos."

The snake was over the moon.

He even lifted his tail tip to wave at me.

Fighting down my primal human fear of cold-blooded creatures, I did my absolute best to interact with the little guy.

I was determined to make sure that when Asher finally came back, he would see me radiating pure, maternal love.

And then, hopefully, he would wire me another five grand.

But I kept up the act from noon until nightfall.

Sitting in that high-end luxury restaurant, I drank three artisan lemonades, ate a plate of truffle pasta, two salads, and three different cuts of steak.

I texted Asher ten different times.

No reply. No Asher.

It wasn't until midnight that the waiter finally approached my table. "Miss Sophie, we are preparing to close for the night."

Was this bastard Asher playing some kind of sick joke on me?

Feeling utterly humiliated, I reached for my purse to pay the massive bill.

The waiter just smiled warmly and shook his head.

"The future boss's wife never has to pay for her meals."

The staff even brought out a mountain of beautifully wrapped gift bags that Asher had prepared for me in advance.

It suddenly clicked.

Asher didn't show up because this was a test.

Billionaires love doing this kind of thing.

He wanted to observe me from the shadows to see if I was emotionally stable, if I had good manners, and if I possessed a genuinely loving heart.

Normally, I possess none of those things.

But remembering the sheer size of Asher's bank account, I was suddenly overflowing with the noblest virtues known to mankind.

If this was a test, I was going to pass it with flying colors.

So, when I gathered my things to leave, I absolutely refused to leave the snake behind.

Steeling my nerves, I scooped the little guy up, tucked him against my chest, and carried him all the way home.

You can do this, Sophie. You are going to secure the bag.

The little snake probably wasn't used to human body heat. Tucked against my chest, he got totally dizzy and looked a bit out of it.

I scrambled to find a clean cardboard box and gently placed him inside.

He finally snapped out of his daze, but for some reason, he looked completely crestfallen.

Just totally lethargic.

I couldn't let his beloved pet die on my watch.

I immediately went online, hunted down the contact info for a premium exotic pet store owner, and paid an absolute premium to have a luxury, temperature-controlled terrarium delivered and set up in my apartment that very night.

I carefully placed the little snake inside.

Looking at him, a funny thought crossed my mind. He looked exactly like a billionaire CEO waking up in his thousand-square-foot California king bed.

I snapped a picture and sent it to my MIA boyfriend.

Still no response.

Considering he had already spent roughly half a million dollars on me over the course of our relationship, I decided to be patient.

I went to take a shower.

Squeaky clean and wrapped only in a fluffy towel, I walked over to check on the snake.

The moment he saw my bare shoulders and legs, he frantically turned his little head away, visibly flustered.

Oh my. What a perfect gentleman of a reptile.

Now, let me see if you are a boy or a girl.

I had looked it up online, and the internet told me you could figure out a snake's gender by checking the base of its tail.

It felt a little intrusive.

But curiosity got the better of me.

Ignoring the snake's frantic squirming, I gently but firmly held him down and inspected his underside.

Wow.

He was a male, and a surprisingly well-endowed one at that.

I couldn't help but let out a cheeky wolf whistle.

The little snake struggled so hard his top hat popped off and his bowtie went crooked. He finally scrambled into the far corner of the tank, staring at me with a look of absolute, violated betrayal.

I cooed at him, offered a few words of comfort, and happily went to bed.

Of course, I didn't actually go to sleep.

You have to stay up late to truly appreciate the value of your free time.

Around two in the morning, my phone finally buzzed with a message from Asher.

"Baby, I honestly never expected you to be so passionate and bold."

I knew it.

My brilliant performance at the restaurant paid off.

I happily texted back, "Do you like it?"

The chat went completely silent.

I started overthinking. Did he see how much food I inhaled? Was he judging me?

"Did you think I ate too much?"

I typed the words out, then quickly deleted them.

Never incriminate yourself. Make him bring it up first.

If he mentioned it, I would just lie and say I starved myself for three days so I could fit into my prettiest dress for our date.

But then Asher's reply finally came through.

"I love it."

"So... are you satisfied?"

Of course I was satisfied.

Asher had showered me with designer jewelry, luxury bags, and endless attention. I was living the absolute dream.

I thought exactly that, so I said exactly that.

Asher sent back a blushing emoji.

Then he typed, "Baby, you are so honest. I love you so much. I promise I will make you the happiest woman in the world."

Right on cue, a notification popped up. A five-thousand-dollar transfer with the note "Voluntary Gift."

Just another casual day making five grand from my couch.

I punched the air under my blankets, absolutely thrilled.

This was amazing.

The money I had saved up from him was already enough to buy a Porsche Cayenne and put a down payment on a luxury penthouse.

Asher sent another photo of the snake.

"He made it home."

In the picture, the little snake was wearing his hat and bowtie, coiled up perfectly on a velvet cushion. The background was Asher's staggering, modern glass mansion.

Wait a minute. The snake was just here.

I threw off the covers and ran to the living room. The terrarium was empty. The little escape artist had actually broken out.

He snuck out and managed to navigate his way back to a billionaire's mansion all by himself?

What an absolute genius of a pet.

I happily texted Asher back.

"Baby, this photo is stunning!"

"Out of all the pictures you've ever sent me, this is the most handsome he has ever looked!"

Asher was delighted. "I always trust my baby's taste."

A second later, that exact photo became Asher's profile picture.

He even sent me a second cash transfer for the night.

Alright, up to ten grand for the day.

I happily accepted the money and typed, "I can't wait for our next date!"

After all, one date with this man earned me more than half a year's salary.

After days of relentless begging on my end.

Asher finally agreed to a second date.

I went all out. I wore my most elegant, figure-hugging dress.

Colored contacts, expensive false lashes, flawless contouring. I showed up to the cafe looking like a supermodel.

But sitting at our reserved table, all I found was his pet snake.

His outfit was even more elaborate this time.

The little guy was wearing a custom-tailored miniature suit jacket and balancing a tiny pair of gold-rimmed glasses on his snout.

Was he cosplaying as a bespectacled intellectual?

No, wait.

That wasn't the point. Where the hell was Asher?

I finally realized something was deeply wrong.

Was he really standing me up again?

Just as the frustration began to boil over, I felt a soft pressure against my palm.

I looked down and saw the very tip of the snake's tail.

Tied neatly around the tail was a beautiful little ribbon, tied into a perfect bow.

He looked exactly like a meticulously wrapped gift, impossible to reject.

The little snake looked up at me with eyes full of pure, unadulterated sincerity.

The moment I smiled, the entire snake slithered happily into my open hands.

Oh, you sweet little thing.

I finally understood.

Asher wasn't just looking for a girlfriend. He was looking for a stepmother for his precious pet.

I had a great personality, and I had proven my high tolerance for reptiles, so Asher chose me.

He didn't show up because he wanted the snake to personally vet me. He was letting his pet choose his new mom.

Asher really loved this animal.

Well, if my job was to pamper the snake, I was going to be the best snake mom in the world.

I dutifully straightened his tiny suit jacket, then carried him around the city. We walked through the botanical gardens and even caught a movie.

I wanted to make conversation, but then I realized Asher had never actually told me the snake's name.

Without a name, I decided to just call him "Baby."

"Baby, do you like this park?"

The little snake nodded.

"Baby, do you want to go look at the pond?"

He nodded again, perfectly obedient.

"Baby, do you want to come home with me?"

The snake hesitated.

But the hesitation lasted exactly three seconds before he started nodding so hard his glasses nearly flew off.

Winning over the pet was basically winning over the billionaire.

I was floating on cloud nine.

I leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of his scaly head.

The little snake blushed a deep crimson and buried his face into my chest, making soft, happy little squeaks.

Honestly, putting Asher's massive bank account aside for a moment.

This little snake was incredibly cute, surprisingly handsome, wildly intelligent, and never tried to bite me.

Spending the rest of my life taking care of him with Asher didn't sound like a bad deal at all.

The snake rested perfectly still in my arms as I carried him back to my apartment.

My phone remained completely silent. Asher was probably tied up with corporate billionaire stuff.

So, I sat on the couch with the snake and watched sports highlights until late.

When it was over, I tucked him back into his luxury terrarium.

Middle of the night.

I was deep in sleep when a soft rustling sound near my ear woke me up.

I groggily opened my eyes.

The little snake had somehow crawled under my duvet and was sleeping soundly, curled up right against my chest with a look of absolute bliss.

I gently poked him.

His tail tip wrapped securely around my finger, like a child begging for affection.

But as a responsible pet owner, I had to be safe.

I grabbed my phone and searched online.

"Is it safe to sleep in the same bed as a pet snake?"

The internet firmly replied, "Absolutely never sleep in the same bed as a snake."

I had to ignore his pleading, watery eyes. I picked him up by the middle and carried him back to the glass tank.

He tried to wrap himself around my wrist, refusing to let go, but I gently detached him.

"Good babies have to learn how to sleep in their own beds."

The little snake shivered, slithering into the furthest corner of the tank, coiling his body tightly and hiding his head.

I turned to walk back to bed.

But then I heard a faint, pathetic sniffling sound.

I turned on the lamp and looked closer.

The little snake was literally crying tiny, glassy tears.

But even with the tears, he had to sleep alone.

I was a chaotic sleeper. If I rolled over and squashed the billionaire's beloved pet, my dreams of luxury real estate would die with him.

I couldn't just walk away while he was sad, though.

I leaned over the tank, kissing his head and whispering sweet nothings.

"You are the best baby in the world. I know you can be brave and sleep by yourself."

His little scaly body trembled slightly, but he finally uncoiled and settled into his warm hideout box.

I could finally go to sleep.

When I woke up, my phone screen was flooded with 99+ notifications and dozens of missed calls.

All from Asher, spanning from four in the morning until just a few minutes ago.

"Baby, I know I was moving too fast, but please don't hate me."

"I am so sorry."

"Baby, why aren't you answering?"

"Are you mad at me?"

...

"Baby, please just reply to me. Please."

Scattered between the frantic texts were multiple massive cash transfers.

I really do sleep like a rock.

Asher probably felt incredibly guilty for standing me up again and was having a meltdown apologizing.

Luckily, I am the most understanding girlfriend in the world.

Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I typed back.

"I'm not mad. I just fell asleep."

The man on the other end instantly calmed down.

"Thank god."

I happily clicked 'Accept' on all the cash transfers.

Asher sent another message.

"Baby, do you think a snake's body temperature is too cold?"

What kind of random trivia question was that?

Snakes are cold-blooded animals. Obviously, they are cold.

I replied, "It's fine. Not a big deal."

Asher asked, "Can you truly accept that?"

Me, "Absolutely."

I rolled out of bed, stretching, planning to go play with the little guy.

I looked in the tank. He had broken out again.

Oh, my god.

My golden goose was gone.

I tried to console myself. Maybe he just slithered back to his mansion again?

I hesitantly texted Asher.

"Baby, how come you haven't sent me a picture of him today?"

The chat went dead silent for a long time.

I was doomed.

What if he got caught by a stray cat? What if someone turned him into snake soup?

Just as I felt the sky crashing down around me, Asher sent a new photo.

In the picture, the snake was wearing a pristine, custom-tailored tuxedo, perched elegantly on the keys of a grand Steinway piano.

He looked incredibly proud and aristocratic.

Asher wrote, "I was just getting him cleaned up."

I glanced at the timestamp. It took him thirty minutes to reply.

He must have scrubbed that snake down with a toothbrush.

But at least he was safe.

I let out a massive sigh of relief and went back to my professional hype-woman duties.

"He looks so handsome!"

The snake was definitely cute, but I was dying to know what Asher actually looked like.

My curiosity was peaking.

But when I brought up scheduling a third date, Asher hit me with bad news.

"Some urgent corporate matters came up in Europe. I have to fly out to handle them personally."

"Baby, can you wait for me for one more month?"

I waited an entire month.

Finally, Asher texted me.

"Baby, I am flying back into the country today."

I waited all day. I practically sat by the door.

When the knock finally came, I threw the door open, ecstatic, thinking I was finally going to see the man of my dreams.

The hallway was completely empty.

My heart dropped. I slowly closed the door.

A second later, another knock.

I swung the door open, annoyed, ready to curse out whatever neighborhood kid was playing a prank on me.

But then I heard a familiar hiss near my feet.

I looked down.

It was Asher's pet.

His outfit was incredibly flamboyant today. He was wedged into a sharp, deep-purple blazer, and he was even wearing a subtle, expensive-smelling cologne. The whole vibe was ridiculously charming.

I held out my hand.

The snake happily slithered up my arm, coiling around my wrist.

Well, the man didn't show up, but at least he sent his pet as a consolation prize.

I sat on the couch, playing with the little snake, tracing the scales on his back.

But despite his cute company, a heavy wave of disappointment washed over me.

Eventually, the exhaustion caught up, and I drifted to sleep right there in the living room.

I vaguely felt something cool and smooth curl against my chest.

I was too tired to care. I just let the sleep take me.