53 Apologies and 1 Goodbye

The girl my lawyer boyfriend once defended, Chloe, put a thumbtack in my shoe, leaving me bleeding profusely.

My boyfriend apologized for her again.

The doctor was disinfecting and injecting me.

The needle went in deep, making me sob uncontrollably.

Ethan, how many times have you apologized to me because of Chloe?

He looked dazed, meeting my reddened eyes.

I told him, "Fifty-one."

On average, once a week.

This has been going on since he took Chloe's case, during our eighth year together.

It was spent enduring his endless apologies.

My voice still trembled at the end, but I wiped away my tears.

"Ethan, I've had enough."

"I'm tired. Aren't you tired of it too?"

"I'm sorry."

He was silent for a long time, and still, that was all he said.

I let go of his hand.

I hated needles.

For years, whenever I had an injection, it was our ritual for him to offer his hand for me to squeeze tight.

"Ethan, I'm sick of hearing 'I'm sorry.'"

He lowered his gaze, watching me struggle to even walk.

"I'll make Chloe come and apologize too."

"Sarah, I promise, this will be the last time something like this happens."

When I saw Chloe, she was already sobbing.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to."

"The thumbtacks spilled, and I didn't notice one fell into your shoe."

Ethan didn't need my reaction; he already believed her.

"Sarah, the security camera footage isn't very clear. You can't just assume she did it."

It was the same as every other time he'd defended Chloe.

"Let's just drop this."

My wound was still seeping blood. "Ethan, you apologize for her, and you're just going to let it go for my sake."

"You're really good at handling things, aren't you?"

Catching the sarcasm in my voice, Ethan's brow furrowed abruptly, and his voice involuntarily rose.

"She already said it was an accident, so what more do you want?"

"What kind of apology or compensation would satisfy you? I'll take care of it."

He loosened his tie, looking at me as if I were some kind of cold-blooded monster.

"Chloe's still young. She's not as bad as you think."

"You're years older than her, why are you being so petty?"

His chest heaved.

In the past, at this point, I'd be too exhausted to argue, intimidated by his aggression, and the matter would be dropped.

But now, I looked at Chloe, who had arrived home before Ethan and me, busying herself in the kitchen.

I didn't want to pretend nothing had happened anymore.

Hearing the door, Chloe peeked out from the kitchen.

"Sarah, I figured you hadn't eaten yet, so I came back early to cook. Consider it my apology."

"I'm a great cook, you know."

"Whenever you were away on business, I'd come over and cook for Ethan."

Chloe's fingerprint was in our digital lock.

She was wearing slippers identical to Ethan's.

She was wearing my pajamas.

She was rummaging through the kitchen with familiar ease.

And she kept saying, "I'm always here."

After returning from my business trip and going straight to the hospital, I finally started noticing all these traces in our home.

"Ethan, she came here often while I was away?"

He pursed his lips.

"She's taking a break from school and said she was bored at home, so she offered to cook for me."

"She's just being kind; it doesn't concern you."

My eyes, swollen and aching from crying, made my sensitive nerves still throb.

"It does concern me."

Of the fifty-one apologies Ethan had given me,

some were for Chloe breaking my necklace that was in his car.

Some were for the many times he ditched me to go find Chloe.

Some were for Chloe crashing my dates with Ethan and insisting on joining us.

Some were for Chloe tripping me and spilling hot soup on me, causing me injuries multiple times.

I pointed at Chloe and said coldly,

"Pay my medical bills. Not just for this, but for all the previous incidents..."

I calculated a total.

Ethan's jaw tightened beside me.

I continued,

"And take off those clothes. They're mine..."

"Enough!"

As if he couldn't bear it anymore, Ethan suddenly roared.

"I told her to wear the clothes."

"Last time she was here, it got too late, so I let her stay the night and found her one of your shirts."

"It's just one outfit."

"If you want, I'll buy you another one, exactly the same!"

"It's not the same!"

I screamed back, my face a mess.

Veins bulged on the back of his hand as he repeatedly asked me,

"How is it not the same? Is it just because you don't like her?"

"I've paid her debt for the money you wanted."

"Ten times the amount, is that enough?!"

"Why are you harassing a young girl?!"

My ears throbbed, and my palms tingled; I gasped for air.

"You're paying for her? What makes you her protector?"

"She's a criminal. Where do you get such a huge sense of responsibility?"

"Time after time, she does this on purpose. Ethan, are you blind? Can't you see it?"

We argued at the top of our lungs.

"You only took her mother's case as her defense attorney."

"There are professionals to look after her, to guide her."

"She clings to you, and you just let her."

"Can't you see she likes you?"

His words weren't just words; they were needles, piercing me where I was most vulnerable.

"Sarah, shut up!"

"Do you have any empathy? How can you be so vicious?"

"She made mistakes, but does she have to be bound by her past forever?"

"You keep calling her a criminal. Why are you acting so superior?"

In the midst of our argument, Chloe ran out, as if she couldn't stand it anymore.

Ethan moved to follow, but I blocked his path, tears streaming down my face.

"Don't you dare leave!"

"If you walk out that door today, we're over."

Ethan ignored my tears, his voice filled with rage.

"Sarah, I told you."

"The only reason Chloe bullied others at school was because her parents neglected her. She made mistakes because she grew up in a loveless home."

"She's not bad at heart."

"The court only ordered probation."

"What right do you have to insult her?"

"I defended her, I believe in her, so she relies on me, she's willing to listen to me and make amends."

"Why wouldn't I look after her?"

"Are you really going to be as cold-hearted as you are, and abandon a child's future?"

His last sentence was slow and cold.

"Now I even wonder if you did something between you and Chloe."

His phone rang.

Chloe's name flickered like a persistent ghost.

I wouldn't let Ethan answer.

He tried to snatch it.

He yanked me, slamming me against the wall with a loud thud.

My foot was still injured; I couldn't stand steadily and collapsed to the floor.

His phone also fell, and a spiderweb of cracks spread across the screen.

Ethan's eyes blazed with fury.

My tailbone, back, and lower abdomen screamed in agony; every word I spoke made me gasp.

"Ethan, help me up..."

His eyes were fixed on the leaking phone screen.

He fumbled with it, his hand slipping three or four times before he finally answered.

He tried to pull me up from the floor.

"You're coming with me."

"You're going to apologize to Chloe for what you said!"

Chloe's voice leaked from the phone, crying and yelling, "I don't want to see her! I don't!"

I flailed in Ethan's grasp like a duck whose neck was being squeezed.

He tossed me away again, and I fell back down with a heavy thud.

The room darkened with the fading light outside.

Ethan rushed out, the hallway light casting his face in a chiaroscuro of light and shadow.

"And another thing."

"So what if Chloe likes me?"

"It's normal for a young girl to have a crush; she just needs proper guidance."

"Not for you to act like a maniac, just because you're jealous of a little girl."

"Today isn't about you threatening to break up with me."

"It's about whether you can bear the consequences if Chloe gets hurt."

My fingers curled up in pain, and I melted into a heap on the floor.

It took a long time for me to find the strength to respond.

The wound on my foot had scabbed over and the scab had fallen off.

I couldn't say what else vanished with that wound.

My twenty-seventh birthday arrived.

My friend, Maya, covered my eyes and led me all the way to our destination.

"Happy Birthday!"

Fireworks burst one after another in the sky, laughter filled the air, and confetti floated down.

My blurry vision cleared, and I saw everyone's smiling faces.

Ethan knelt on one knee before me.

"Happy birthday, Sarah."

"Will you marry me?"

He was so gentle, nothing like the horrible fight we had that night.

"I haven't been in touch lately because I was afraid you were still mad at me."

"I've also been preparing for this proposal."

The city's most exclusive rooftop view, custom-made fireworks, peonies covering the ground.

It clearly required a lot of thoughtful preparation.

"I've handled everything."

"I've handed Chloe's case over to someone else, she won't bother us anymore."

"Sarah, marry me!"

The cheers reached a crescendo.

"Say yes! Say yes!"

"I..."

Just as I uttered a syllable, Ethan's phone rang again and again.

One ring, two rings.

The hand holding the ring trembled, and he bit his teeth.

Still, he answered.

He gestured for everyone to wait.

And stopped my hesitant, trembling hand.

Only a few muffled sounds came through the phone, but I clearly heard, "waiting for you."

I was all too familiar with this scene.

Many times, Ethan had been called away like this, because Chloe said she was in trouble, or she was sad, or she needed him.

Ethan's temple throbbed. He shoved the ring into my hand.

"Sarah."

"I'm sorry."

The fifty-second apology, on the first day of my twenty-seventh year.

"Wait for me to come back. I'll propose again properly then."

He ran out quickly, his clothes flapping in the wind.

The awkwardness, the probing looks, the pity from everyone fell on me.

"Ethan, where the hell are you going"

The wind scattered Maya's curses.

Ethan pushed open the door to another terrace.

"Chloe, get down from there!"

Chloe sat on the railing, swaying precariously, her expression manic.

"It's my eighteenth birthday today too, and you haven't even wished me happy birthday."

Ethan rubbed his throbbing temples, worn down, with no fight left.

"Okay, happy birthday."

"Now, get down. Please, get down, and I'll spend it with you however you want."

Her face lit up.

"However I want?"

"Then I want you not to propose to your girlfriend, and I want you to be my boyfriend!"

Ethan's steps towards her halted, and his expression darkened completely.

Chloe flinched under his gaze, and as if she'd done something wrong, she instinctively started to whine.

"Not forever, how about just one year?"

"Six months? A month?"

"A week then? Just one week!"

She started crying, leaning back a little further.

"Ethan, you won't even give me one week?"

"If you still don't agree, I'll jump from here!"

The moment she acted cute, Ethan's expression softened considerably.

Then, because of her next action, his eyes wide with panic, lunging to grab her, his voice trembling, he hastily agreed.

"Okay, I'll be your boyfriend! I'll be your boyfriend!"

Chloe's eyes brightened, and she flew into Ethan's arms.

Her arms wrapped around him, holding him tight.

Ethan hesitated for a moment, then his hand slowly came up to her head, stroking her hair.

Thud.

I released my grip, and the ring dropped to the floor.

Ethan, still holding Chloe, turned around. I stood in the narrow doorway.

In his stunned gaze, I suddenly smiled.

"I'm leaving."

My friend, Maya, rushed to my side, panicking, "Sarah, where are you going?"

I touched her reddened eyes. "I'm going home."

"I'm his ex-girlfriend now."

"It's not appropriate for me to stay here."

Ethan didn't come back for a long time. I hadn't expected him.

"Why are you back?"

His voice was barely a whisper.

"I came back to get a few things."

He added, "Chloe's emotionally unstable, I went to stay with her."

Seeing I wouldn't engage, he looked down and said helplessly,

"Sarah, you saw it. I had no choice today."

My voice was absent from the room; only the sounds of my movements broke the silence.

Ethan's brow instantly furrowed.

He leaned against the half-open closet, gripping my wrist.

But all his anger seemed to dissipate when he saw that I was holding his clothes.

"Just take a few items."

"You'll be back in a few days, you don't need so much."

I was calm.

"Please move your things out as soon as possible. I'm selling this house."

The clothes, unclaimed, fell to the floor in a crumpled mess, softly, yet heavily.

Ethan grabbed me, his words forced out between clenched teeth.

"Sarah, what crazy talk is this?"

"Didn't I explain it to you? Teenagers are very sensitive. I was just humoring her, it didn't mean anything!"

I met his gaze, like he wanted to devour me.

"Ethan, when we first got together, it was also on my eighteenth birthday."

He didn't understand, or he didn't want to.

"So what? Was I supposed to let her die?"

"Why are you being so dramatic?"

I didn't say another word.

Ethan was busy fulfilling his promise.

He and Chloe acted as if they needed to cram all their future together into those few days.

I was busy packing and selling the house.

Occasionally, I'd still receive photos of Ethan and Chloe from unknown numbers.

I thought Ethan and I were done for good.

But there are always surprises.

The day the 'for sale' sign went up, I found out I was pregnant.

It wasn't a good day; the rain hadn't fallen yet, and the air was heavy, and my heart felt just as suffocated.

"I was injured before, I had an injection."

"I fell once that day. My lower abdomen hurt terribly then, but I didn't think anything of it."

"Later, I cried a few times, and once, after crying, I bled. I thought it was just from being too emotional."

I looked at the doctor helplessly, my eyes wet with tears.

My ability to speak seemed to regress; I spoke very, very slowly.

The doctor sighed. "Try to relax for now. I've scheduled you for an examination tomorrow."

"We'll see the baby's condition then."

I don't know how Ethan had found me.

"Sarah, you actually sold the house?"

Just looking at him made my whole body feel a wrenching pain.

"Sarah, I'm talking to you!"

The ultrasound report fell to the floor. Ethan saw it, then reread it, disbelieving.

His voice trembled at the end.

"Sarah, you're pregnant?"

"We're having a baby?"

As if desperately trying to compose himself, his hand reached out to touch me, then hesitated.

"I'll come back tonight to take care of you."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

I tugged at the corner of my mouth.

"Aren't you in a relationship?"

His smile was forced. "Sarah, none of that was real."

"Besides, I promised her seven days, and today is already the sixth."

"Wait for me. Chloe's here too; I'll go clarify things with her right now."

Could he really make it clear?

When Chloe rushed over with a knife and stabbed me in the stomach,

I really wanted to ask Ethan.

Her face was contorted.

"I won't let you take him from me! He's mine! He's mine!"

"I'm telling you, we've done everything!"

"You have a baby? I can have one too!"

The wound was cold at first, then came a searing, gut-wrenching pain.

Blood flowed ceaselessly.

Ethan initially stood still.

He'd listened to Chloe, who said she wanted to apologize to me alone.

Until the knife's blade reflected a dazzling light.

The rain that had been brewing all day finally fell.

The pouring rain diluted the puddles of blood, washing them everywhere.

I watched Ethan scramble and stumble, more disheveled than I'd ever seen him, running towards me.

I never imagined rain could make me tremble and shiver so much.

My consciousness slowly blurred.

I felt as if I had truly become the most insignificant thing in the world.

"Sarah"

"Don't you dare close your eyes! Look at me, please, just look at me!"

Ethan screamed, heartbroken.

Rain, tears, and blood mingled together.

Ethan had just looked at me, full of conviction.

"From now on, it'll just be the three of us."

But Ethan,

Look at us now. How can there be a "future" for us anymore?