I'll Find a Way This Time

Before I was born, my family had a beautiful life.

Dad had a respectable management job. Mom was a gentle stay-at-home mother. My older sister was smart, bright, the kind of kid adults loved to brag about.

Then I came along.

Moderate cerebral palsy. Severe damage to both movement and cognition.

I was ten before I could barely walk with crutches. My words never came out right. I could not even write my own name.

Moms pretty face grew duller by the day. Dad and my sister stayed away from home longer and longer.

One day, when I was fifteen, I sat on the couch staring blankly at the TV.

A child on the screen climbed over a railing and fell. People screamed. Red spread across the pavement.

I only watched the child who no longer moved, thoughtful in a way I did not understand.

Andrew Parker, do you even have a heart? Shes our daughter!

Grace, I know shes my daughter. But we cant throw away our whole lives for her. Please. Put her in a care home. Itll be better for everyone.

That would ruin her life. Shed never have another chance to recover.

Her life was ruined a long time ago, wasnt it?

Something shattered.

I knew their fight was over, just like all the others.

Dad yanked the door open. The moment he saw me, he forced a smile onto his face.

He came to the couch and sat beside me as if nothing had happened, wiping the drool from the corner of my mouth with a gentle hand.

Sophie, Daddy doesnt want this either. Daddys sorry. Its just you dont understand any of it.

I did not know what he was sorry for. I only leaned into his arms and let out a clumsy little laugh.

Dads chest was broad and warm.

I could barely remember the last time he had held me like that.

Maybe I was five. We were in a place that smelled sharp and awful. A man in a white coat kept shaking his head at me.

Mr. and Mrs. Parker, youve taken her to the best hospitals here and overseas. But I still have to say this. Leave money for her care. Find a reliable person or institution to look after her for life. That matters more than anything now.

After he said that, Mom broke down sobbing.

Its my fault. I gave birth to Sophie. I ruined her whole life.

Dad reached out as if he wanted to hold her, then pulled his hand back. In the end, all he did was sigh.

I watched them, confused, suddenly scared for no reason. I curled tightly into Dads arms.

After we went home that day, Mom and Dad had their first real fight.

Warm drops touched my shoulder and pulled me out of the memory.

I looked up. Then I laughed, drool slipping down my chin.

Daddy cry crying.

Dads face changed at once. He turned toward Mom, who had just come out of the bedroom, and shouted.

Look at her! Shes fifteen and still like this. Shell never be cured. Never!

Then he slammed the door and left without looking back.

Moms tears started falling again as she watched him go.

But my attention had already been caught by the slam.

I limped over and copied the motion again and again. The door banged so many times that white dust drifted down from the wall.

Fun fun Mommy

I tried to share my joy with her in my slurred voice.

But she rushed over like a storm and dragged me back to the couch.

It was the first time Mom had ever been so harsh with me. I was terrified. My mouth opened wide, and I burst into tears.

Mommy Sophie hurt scared

Mom did not answer. She found a clothes hanger and struck me with it again and again.

It was the first time she had ever hit me.

I was scared and in pain. I wanted to run, but my legs would not obey me. I could only grab her pant leg and beg.

Then I looked up and saw that Mom was crying harder than I was.

Why? Why? Why did it turn out like this?

She collapsed onto the floor like her bones had melted, staring straight into my eyes.

Sophie, what am I supposed to do? With you like this, what can I possibly do?

I stopped crying.

I wanted to copy my sister and gently wipe Moms tears away.

But my hand spasmed at that exact moment, and I accidentally jabbed Mom in the eye.

Blood appeared at once. Mom screamed and shoved me away.

By the time I understood what had happened, Mom was already gone.

Only the child on the TV remained, lying there quietly.

The house stayed quiet for a long, long time.

I waited until my stomach growled, but no one came home.

Before, Mom always made food that smelled wonderful, then fed me one careful bite at a time.

Those smells circled inside my head now, making me restless. I crawled around the house, dragging myself from room to room.

Furniture scraped across the floor. Moms favorite prints fell. A beautiful wooden photo frame broke into pieces.

Worse than all of that was the wet, heavy feeling in my pants.

I could feel something leaving my body. A sour stink followed me wherever I crawled.

I knew I was uncomfortable, so I began to cry out.

Mommy Sophie wants Mommy.

I called for a long time.

No one answered.

Fear came over me all at once.

Mom had left.

Mom did not want me anymore.

That fear prickled across my scalp, but I could do nothing. I sat on the floor, lost and sobbing.

At dawn the next day, a sharp cry woke me.

Mom, look! Sophie messed herself again. Its everywhere!

It was my sisters voice.

Lily held Moms arm. Her pretty face was full of anger.

A white bandage covered Moms injured eye. She looked weak, as if even standing took effort.

She looked at me, then at the ruined prints she had treasured so much. She walked straight over, her hand lifting.

But it never came down.

She only closed her eyes, then opened them again, as if she could not believe what she was seeing.

Mommy, hurt? Sophie missed you.

At those words, her eyes suddenly lit up.

Sophie, you said a whole sentence.

Then she looked at Lily, her voice trembling.

Lily, your sister will get better. Did you hear that? She said a whole sentence.

Lily did not answer. She acted as if she had heard nothing. She went to the bathroom, brought out a mop, and began cleaning the mess I had made with practiced movements.

I said again, Sister Mommy hungry

Moms smile froze.

I wanted to touch her, but she covered her eye and moved back several steps. The corner of her face twitched.

After a long while, she opened her eyes and carried me into the bathroom with tears in her own.

Mom had always bathed me gently. Today her hands were rougher. She did not talk the way she used to.

She scrubbed until it hurt, and my body twisted without meaning to.

She pressed me down.

Sophie Parker, cant you give me one quiet minute?

Do you know this family is falling apart? And its all because of you.

I heard the grief and anger in her voice. So I went still, obediently letting her finish.

But my cerebral palsy meant my body did not always listen to me.

A spasm seized me. I slipped sideways into the tub.

Water covered me.

I could not breathe. Everything hurt in a way I had no words for.

I wanted to scream, but water rushed in whenever I opened my mouth.

Before the world went black, I saw Mom standing beside the tub, frozen.

There was a strange light in her eye.

Almost as if she did not want me to struggle.

Then my hands lost their strength.

My mind went empty.

Through the haze, that familiar bitter hospital smell came back.

Men and women in white coats moved around in front of me.

Her vital signs are stable. She took in some water, but she should be fine after rest.

As for the cerebral palsy, I need to speak with the family

After that, everything around me stayed quiet for a long time.

Then Lily spoke.

Mom, this study-abroad program my professor finally recommended me. I really want to go. Dad said the money is with you.

But Lily, this is all we have left. We need it for Sophies treatment. The doctor just said if we stop, she may not make it.

Lily suddenly shouted.

Mom, Im your child too! Why does everything have to come after Sophie? Is her illness my fault?

Mom went still. She opened her mouth but said nothing.

Lily seemed to have finally found the crack in herself, and all the hurt of the past years poured out.

After Sophie was born, I was only five years older than her, but overnight I had to become the good big sister. I learned to cook for myself before I was eight. Other kids had parents waiting after school. I walked home alone.

When I got my first period, I was scared to death. But you were with Sophie. You didnt even know.

When girls at school picked on me, Dad was busy working to pay Sophies medical bills. I could only tell you. But you forgot the next day because you were taking Sophie somewhere again. I still have scars.

Her sobs grew louder.

To save money for Sophies treatment, shes already eaten through all our savings. The money I made working during breaks went to her supplements and toys.

Mom, Im tired. This chance is rare.

Im Sophies sister, but Im also me. Im also your daughter. Please, just this once, think about me.

Lily wiped her tears and said the last words in a drained voice.

Mom, in twenty years, this is the only selfish thing Ive asked for. Ill treat the money as a loan. I can write an IOU. Ill pay it back.

Silence followed.

I tried hard to open my eyes. I wanted to wipe their tears away.

I could not.

At last, Mom sighed.

Lily, dont worry. Ill figure something out. I wont let you down.

After Lily left, Mom stroked my forehead.

Sophie. My Sophie. If only you could always be as quiet and sweet as you are now.

A warm drop fell on the corner of my mouth.

Salty and bitter.

Then Mom made a call to Dad.

Andrew Parker, lets get divorced. The only thing left is the house. I dont want it. Leave it to you and Lily.

The other end of the line went silent for a beat. Dad sounded unsure when he spoke.

I dont want the house. You and Sophie will need money.

I already prepared the divorce papers. Theyre in the drawer at home. Just sign them.

Then he hung up, as if he was afraid Mom might change her mind.

Mom laughed several times.

It sounded worse than crying.

When I finally opened my eyes, it was the next morning.

Mom was pressing and stretching my stiff limbs with practiced hands. When she saw I was awake, she quickly poured porridge from a thermos, blew on it, and brought the spoon to my lips.

I ate contentedly and gave her a huge smile.

Mommy, smells good.

But she did not smile.

Tears only gathered thicker at the corners of her eyes.

I had never seen Mom suffer like that.

It made me restless too. I kept wanting to scream for no reason.

A woman in the same hospital room finally snapped.

Mrs. Parker, can you please control Sophie? She keeps making noise every day. None of us can get any peace.

Mom bowed and apologized again and again, pressing my head down with force.

Sophie, say sorry. Its three simple words. Say it.

But I only made broken sounds and giggled.

That day, Mom took my hand and brought me home.

This time, she did not take a cab or a bus. She forced me to walk, pushing me forward as she shouted.

Sophie, walk. Walk!

I fell again and again. Her voice turned hoarse from shouting, but she still would not give up. It was as if she were clinging to the last thread inside her.

Only after I was too exhausted to move, after I collapsed on the pavement and scared several passing children into tears, did Mom suddenly laugh.

Sophie, after all these years maybe I should stop trying. Maybe I really cant do this anymore.

Over the next few days, many strangers came to our home.

In the end, Mom spoke for a long time with a kind-looking woman. Before leaving, the woman hesitated.

Grace, are you sure you want to sell such a good house?

Mom nodded firmly. Then she pushed a note into the womans hand.

This is my daughter Lilys account. Send the money directly there. This is what I owe her.

The woman nodded and left.

Mom sat with me inside the emptied house, gently stroking my hair.

Sophie, from now on, Mommy will stay with you forever, okay?

I understood that sentence.

It meant Mom and I would never be apart.

I hurried to smile at her, bouncing clumsily with my unsteady hands and feet.

My reflection in the glass looked like something frightening from TV.

Then I suddenly remembered something.

Daddy. Lily

Moms eyes went hollow. She stared at the shadows of trees outside the window and murmured to herself.

No Daddy. No Lily. Sophie, theres nothing left.

She gripped my hand stiffly and walked with me for a long time.

We went past all the places our family used to visit.

The bakery where they bought my birthday cakes. The clothing store where Lily bought new outfits for college. The restaurant where Mom and Dad once celebrated their anniversary.

At last, Mom carried me up to the roof of a building.

It was the first time I had ever seen her smoke. She coughed until her throat sounded raw, but she did not stop.

I grew too tired to stay awake, so Mom sang me a lullaby.

Her voice drifted with the night wind, as if it had come from another world, heavy with a sadness I could not name.

When dawn was close, Mom woke me and handed me a bottle of soda.

Sophie, cheers with Mommy.

I loved that gesture most. I knocked my bottle against hers hard and laughed.

Then I saw a white pill bottle.

The cap was open. Nothing was left inside.

When Dad could not sleep, he always took things from that bottle.

He had said many times that no one was allowed to touch it, or they might never wake up again.

I looked at the powdery stuff settled at the bottom of Moms drink.

Suddenly, I understood something.

No.

Mom could not never wake up.

If she did, I would never talk to her again.

Without thinking, I grabbed the bottle from Moms hand and drank it all myself.

The moment it went down, a bitter taste pierced through me.

And somehow, some part of me became clear.

The child from the TV appeared in my mind.

I staggered to the edge of the roof and copied her.

Before she fell, she had said one line.

Without me, youll be happy.

Now those words came out of my mouth.

Mommy, without me, youll be happy.

I fell backward into the pale morning air.

Above me was Moms scream, torn from the deepest part of her.

I tried to lift my hand to wipe her tears.

I had no strength.

So I only whispered.

Mommy, dont cry. You dont have to ask what to do anymore.

Because Sophie figured it out.