Returned Home Yet I Wanted To Die

When I was finally found after being missing for three years, I was nineteen, permanently blind, and heavily pregnant.

My parents hugged me, sobbing uncontrollably. My sweet girl, you've suffered so much...

I leaned into them and asked softly, Where is Sienna?

My mothers voice hitched as she hurriedly explained. "She didn't mean to lose you that day. I already grounded her and cut off her allowance for a month. Don't be mad at her, okay?"

But I remembered when I was little.

I had merely tripped over another kids foot, and my mother marched over to the neighbors house with a kitchen knife, throwing a massive fit. Even when people spit at her and called her a crazy shrew, she didn't care.

When I had a high fever that wouldnt break, my dad was so panicked he went to the temple to pray, eating a strict vegetarian diet for ten days just to beg the gods for my health.

Time and time again, they firmly shielded me behind their backs.

And then, my adopted sister Sienna came into the picture.

They sent me to the countryside to live with relatives. I only got to see them once a year...

The wind carried my parents agonizing screams as I stood on the roof of the hospital.

I smiled and said, "Hazel is going to turn into a little star and fly up into the sky."

That way, I wouldn't be abandoned anymore, right?

When the arms wrapped around me, I thought it was the monster who tortured me every night.

I screamed in sheer terror, "Hazel is being good! Hazel isn't crying!"

The person quickly let go, their voice trembling with deep remorse.

"My daughter... I've looked for you for three years. I finally found you!"

"Do you not recognize me? It's Daddy!"

Daddy?

The word hit my brain like a spike of lightning.

Countless memories flashed before my broken eyes. The clearest one was of a man and a woman pulling me out of a run down wooden shack, taking me to a beautiful, massive house, and telling me this was my home now.

A girl who looked like an angel ran out of the house.

She threw her arms around them. "Dad! Mom! You're back!"

Then the girl looked at me and handed me a piece of candy. "Hi, big sister. Don't be scared. My mom and dad are your mom and dad now."

I remembered!

Even though my body was in agonizing pain, even though the monster had hit me with a hammer so many times, I couldn't help the surge of childish joy.

"Did Daddy come to take Hazel home?"

In the absolute darkness, I reached my hand out, desperately hoping he would hold it the way he held Sienna's.

I grasped nothing but empty air.

"Your eyes..." my dad's voice broke abruptly.

Panic set in. "Hazel went blind... Will Daddy hate Hazel now?"

"How could I? Daddy loves Hazel the most."

He sounded like he was crying. When he picked me up, he was so careful, terrified to use any pressure.

But he was lying!

In the memory that just flashed through my mind, I saw him only being sweet to the angel sister. He would pick her up and spin her around, making her giggle with absolute delight.

"Hazel, your mom and I had to work hard in the city, so we had to send you back to our hometown. We only had Sienna with us."

"She's just my coworker's daughter, but her parents died in an accident. Shes very pitiful. You have to treat her like your real sister. You can't bully her, do you understand?"

I had nodded obediently.

In my diary, I had secretly written:

As long as I can stay with Mom and Dad, those kids can't call me a bastard with no parents anymore.

It was strange...

When the monster beat and kicked me, I didn't cry. But the moment I remembered that thick diary, my chaotic brain felt like it had been shot through with an arrow. It exploded.

A mess of noisy voices flooded my ears.

"Hazel! Why are you always jealous of your sister? She's smarter and more likable than you, isn't it obvious?"

"Hazel, can't you learn from your sister? Is it that hard to smile and act sweet for your parents? We raised you for nothing!"

My dad carefully touched my forehead, asking what was wrong.

I snapped back to reality in a panic.

I asked, my voice trembling with uncertainty, "...Does Hazel still have a home?"

On the very last page of that diary, I had written:

Mom and Dad are Sienna's Mom and Dad. That beautiful big house is Sienna's house. None of it is mine.

I curled my body into a tight ball. My broken eyes and the tearing pain in my lower body made me feel so ashamed.

Covering my face, I finally broke down, sobbing uncontrollably.

"Bad men hurt Hazel... Everything hurts so much!"

"I waited so long, but nobody came to save me."

"You think I'm stupid... Nobody wants me!"

My dad carried me out of the place I had been trapped in for three years.

The stench of rot faded, but the fresh air terrified me. I held my breath until my face turned red.

My dad gently stroked the skin around my ruined eyes, his voice thick with pain.

"Your mom and I never abandoned you. You were locked away by bad men, and we couldn't find you."

"Don't worry, Hazel. The monsters who abducted and abused you have been caught by the police. They will pay for what they did."

His voice shook as he promised they would fix my eyes.

I stared blankly into the pitch black air.

I wanted to tell him that Hazel was used to it now.

"Hazel isn't afraid of the dark anymore," I comforted him, testing the waters carefully. "Will Mom want to send me away again?"

The air froze. My dad didn't answer.

Suddenly, a frantic cry echoed down the hallway. "Hazel!"

A familiar, comforting perfume hit my nose. I greedily breathed it in.

The hands that touched my face were shaking violently. My mother's voice was drenched in tears.

"My sweet girl... I missed you so much."

"You suffered so much out there... I'm so sorry. Mommy is so sorry..."

I opened my mouth to speak, but a sudden wave of nausea hit me. I dry heaved, terrifying them.

"Is Hazel blaming me?" my mom asked, her voice turning frantic and anxious.

Right then, the doctor walked over with my medical chart. His tone was heavy and complex.

"The patient was subjected to prolonged captivity and physical abuse. She's suffering from severe PTSD. Please try to avoid triggering her."

"As for her physical condition... multiple bone fractures, internal bleeding, and bilateral retinal detachment. She needs surgery immediately if she has any hope of seeing again."

The doctor paused. "...Also, she is pregnant. About four months along."

The hospital room went dead silent.

Crash!

Something was hurled violently to the floor. My dad roared like a wounded lion. "I'm going to kill that animal!"

My mom was sobbing so hard she couldn't breathe. She just kept apologizing to me.

"You were only sixteen when you disappeared... What did you go through these past three years..."

I slowly reached down and touched my slightly swollen stomach.

So I was pregnant. There was a baby in here who didn't even know who its father was. Even more unlucky than Hazel.

While waiting for my surgery, my parents never left my side for a second. By some unspoken agreement, they never mentioned their other daughter. Sienna.

I greedily soaked up their rare, focused attention, but I couldn't help comparing it.

"Why didn't Sienna come?"

The room fell silent for a long moment.

My dad finally asked, "Hazel, do you hate your sister?"

My mom hesitated, then took my hand, her tone earnest and heavy.

"After you went missing, Sienna felt incredibly guilty. She fell into a deep depression for a long time. Thank god she eventually snapped out of it. She got into the best university in the state and even started dating a police officer, just so it would be easier to ask for news about you."

"So you see, Hazel, it wasn't on purpose when she lost you three years ago."

"I already punished her. I cut off her allowance for a whole month and made her reflect on her actions."

My entire body began to tremble. I gripped the bedsheets.

Her voice drifted softly over me. "I read your diary. The whole thing was just you blaming us for favoring your sister."

"It's our fault, Hazel. Please don't hold a grudge against your sister, okay? She's innocent."

My dad walked over and stroked my hair. "You were foolish enough to follow those bad men. When it comes down to it, you carry more of the blame for this than Sienna does."

He sighed deeply. "Forget it. Let's not talk about it. The most important thing is that Hazel came home safely."

Beneath the heavy blankets, my hands curled into tight, trembling fists.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell them what really happened.

That day, at the mouth of the alley, it was Sienna who shoved my mom's bank card into the bad man's hand.

She had looked right at me and said, "Hazel, Mom and Dad belong to me forever!"

But my chest hurt so much it felt like it was being crushed. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak.

I didn't understand why I felt so utterly shattered. My ears were ringing, drowning out whatever else they were saying...

The surgery was scheduled quickly. Right before they wheeled me in, my parents tried to encourage me.

"Hazel, you are stronger than anyone. You'll get through this."

Yeah. I am strong.

Even when so many people were on top of me, I didn't die.

The smell of disinfectant grew heavy. The anesthesia began to pull me under.

In my blurry, drifting consciousness, I remembered a lot of things.

When I was little, I had a terrible fever. Everyone said my brain had melted from the heat, making me stupid.

That was why my parents sent me to the countryside.

But I knew the truth. I wasn't stupid! I actually had an incredible memory!

Later, when they finally brought me back to the city, I was terrified they would send me away again. I studied relentlessly, sleeping only four hours a night.

I finally ranked first in my entire grade.

I practically sprinted home with my report card. My parents were thrilled. They cooked a massive feast to celebrate.

But nobody noticed that I didn't eat a single bite.

Every single dish was loaded with chili peppers, because that was Sienna's favorite. If I ate spicy food, I broke out in painful hives.

I watched my mom laugh and kiss Sienna's forehead, praising her soft, delicate skin. "Just like a peeled egg," she said.

I secretly touched my own face. It was bumpy and covered in terrible acne.

I started desperately trying to fix my skin, smearing endless creams and treatments on my face. Sometimes the skin would blister and itch so badly it drove me insane. After a while, it actually worked. My skin cleared up, and I even had boys at school trying to talk to me.

But my mom never noticed the change.

Not until the day I was cornered by some thugs in an alley. I managed to run home, crying, my clothes torn and messy.

Before I could even explain what happened, my mom laid into me, her voice dripping with disgust.

"Hazel, did your teachers teach you no shame?!"

She looked at me like I was exhausting to be around. "We are in the city, not some dirty farm village. You're young, stop acting so cheap! Are you trying to ruin your sister's morals?"

But Mom. All Hazel wanted was for you to kiss my forehead, too. Just like you did when I was little.

Back then, even if I just had a bad dream, my mom would be so worried she couldn't sleep all night. My dad would sit by my bed, reading me stories until the sun came up.

I racked my brain, but I couldn't figure out why everything had changed.

Maybe I really was just stupid. Maybe I just wasn't lovable.

Once I accepted that, I got sick.

Every night, I wanted to die. My hair fell out in clumps. The smell of meat made me vomit.

When the high school entrance exam results came out, my grades had plummeted. From ranking first, I dropped so low I could only get into a vocational school.

My parents looked at me with a mix of resignation and pity. They comforted me, saying, "You were never very smart anyway. We didn't expect you to be a scholar."

Then, they doubled down on spoiling Sienna.

Every time we ate, Sienna would whine, "Mom, Dad, you're so biased toward my sister! You keep giving me so much food, are you trying to turn me into a pig?!"

I went to vocational school, surrounded by people who whispered and mocked me.

Meanwhile, my parents spent a fortune to get Sienna into the best prep school in the city, hiring a private tutor that cost thousands a month.

"The daughters of the Fang family are just as good as anyone else. We're definitely going to have a college graduate in the house!" they would boast.

On my birthday, they told me they had to work overtime and didn't have time to buy me a present.

But on Sienna's birthday, they flew back overnight from a business trip hundreds of miles away, just to give her a gorgeous, expensive princess dress.

"Happy fourteenth birthday to our Princess Sienna! You said you wanted to go to the beach, right? We'll take you for winter break!"

The moment she blew out her candles, I suddenly couldn't breathe.

I practically ran back to my bedroom and hid. The door was soundproofed, but it couldn't block out the sound of my parents and my sister laughing, so perfectly happy together.

Curled up under my blankets, I dug my fingernails into the messy scars on my wrists. The old ones hadn't even healed before I tore them open again, making them bleed.

Just like my sickness. It was never going to get better.

...

I gasped for air, pulling myself out of the drowning memories. The surgery was over.

I didn't know how much time had passed.

Suddenly, a crisp, bright voice rang through the room.

"Dad! Mom! I heard you found my sister! I drove back overnight to see her! Is she okay?!"

The voice leaned close to my ear, dripping with exaggerated guilt.

"I'm so sorry... It's all my fault. Sister, please wake up soon! You can hit me, you can scream at me, I'll take it all!"

The blood in my veins turned to ice.

The day finally came to remove my bandages.

After a slight sting, I slowly opened my eyelids. The bright, unfamiliar light made me instinctively raise my hand to block it.

Seeing my reaction, my parents let out a huge sigh of relief.

"You can see! Oh, thank god."

The very first thing I saw was Sienna.

She stood right behind my parents, smiling warmly at me, flashing her perfect dimples. She looked like an absolute angel.

But panic clawed at my throat.

Over the past three years, she had grown taller. Her hair fell in soft, elegant waves. She had blossomed into a stunning, confident young woman, radiating bright, youthful energy.

She was so bright and flawless that I felt like a rat crawling out of a sewer. I felt entirely ashamed of my own existence.

I quickly dropped my head, staring at the sheets.

But she wasn't going to let me hide. She reached out, forcefully tilting my chin up so she could examine my face.

"You used to care so much about looking pretty, Sister. It's such a shame your face is covered in scars now."

She looked at my mom. "Mom, my friend's family owns a high end medical spa. Should we send Sister there to see if they can fix it?"

My mom stepped forward and swatted Sienna's hand away.

She scolded her lightly, though her tone was utterly fond. "Where are your manners? Is that how you talk to your sister? We aren't at home right now."

Realizing she had said the wrong thing, my mom glanced at me nervously and quickly changed the subject.

"Well, now that your eyes are healed... we should talk about the baby."

Every eye in the room dropped to my stomach.

My dad was the first to speak. "That bastard child needs to be aborted immediately."

He patted my shoulder, his voice firm but comforting. "Don't be afraid. You are my daughter. Even if you were ruined by those men, it's fine. Your mom and I will take care of you for the rest of your life."

My mom immediately agreed.

She looked at Sienna with pure, unfiltered pride. "Your sister Sienna is so brilliant. She has such a bright future ahead of her. She'll have her pick of incredible, successful men. We'll just have her choose one of the good ones to take care of you."

Sienna's smile stretched impossibly wide.

She leaned her head affectionately on my mom's shoulder. "Mom! You're only worrying about Sister's future! You've already got her whole life planned out. Am I not your daughter anymore?"

"Yes, yes, you're our spoiled little girl..."

I sat quietly, watching them laugh and joke.

I didn't know why, but the metallic taste of blood suddenly filled my throat.

The day of the abortion arrived.

My parents had to run an errand, leaving Sienna alone with me in the hospital room.

She gently rested her hand on my swollen stomach and suddenly asked, "Hazel, why did you even come back?"

We were completely alone. The angelic mask melted off her face, twisting into something vicious and cruel. She looked down at me with absolute contempt.

"You know, Mom and Dad are incredible people. They treat me better than my own biological parents ever did."

"That's why I didn't even shed a tear when my parents died in that car crash. I was five years old, and my only birthday wish was to stay with Mom and Dad forever."

"But then you showed up. You tried to steal the love that was supposed to be exclusively mine!"

Sienna's eyes were red with fury, glaring at me like I was a parasite.

"Ever since they dragged you back from the countryside, they had to buy two of everything. You even had to sleep in my room! That is MY house!"

I shrank back like a scolded dog, not daring to make a sound.

So that was it. That was why Sienna handed me over to the monsters.

I was the extra baggage in that house.

My parents probably felt the exact same way. They just pitied me because I was stupid, and they didn't want to hurt my feelings.

But I'm really not stupid!

The door to the hospital room swung open. Sienna's face instantly morphed back into a sweet, dazzling smile.

"Sister, once you're all healed up, I'll take you out to do something fun, okay?"

Was she going to take me to the bad men again?

My whole body started shaking. Terror gripped my chest.

When the nurses wheeled me out of the room toward the surgical ward, I placed my hands over my round stomach. My mind was racing, desperately trying to figure out how to escape.

Nobody in my family wanted me. I had to leave on my own.

I couldn't let the monsters hit me with the hammer again! Right before they took me into the operating room, I lied and said I needed to use the restroom. I slipped away.

I walked for a long time until I found myself on the roof of the hospital.

The sun was blinding. It made my new eyes ache.

But my legs were too tired to keep going. I just stood there, letting the sun warm my skin.

Suddenly, someone below screamed.

"Look up there! Someone is going to jump!"

I looked down in surprise. A massive crowd was gathering. Sirens started wailing all across the hospital grounds.

Sienna was down there.

And my parents, rushing frantically through the crowd.

They were too far away for me to see their faces clearly, but I could hear their desperate, furious screams.

"Hazel! Are you insane?! Get down from there right now!"

"Hazel! We finally got you back, and now you pull this?! Are you trying to kill your father and me?!"

So many people were pointing their phones up at me.

I saw how angry and panicked my parents were. I wanted to climb down, but my body refused to move.

The thick, jagged scars on my wrists suddenly started to itch furiously. I scratched at them until they tore open, the flesh turning into a bloody mess.

I was having another episode.

But I was terrified to tell my parents. I didn't want them to hate me even more.

A soft, quiet voice echoed in the back of my mind.

Jump.

The books I read said that when people die, they turn into stars and fly into the sky to watch over their families.

My parents didn't want to hurt me. They didn't want to abandon me.

But I needed to be a good girl. I needed to protect them.

Once I figured it out, I smiled widely, waving down at my mom and dad.

While they screamed in absolute, paralyzing terror, I stepped forward without a single trace of hesitation.

Slowly, I fell backward...

Hazel is going to be a little star now!

I'm going to fly up into the sky and protect you.

"NO!!!"

People were screaming. People were crying.

Time felt like it had completely stopped.