His Camera Never Loved Me

After four years together, my photographer husband flies to Iceland every February, claiming he has a photography project there.

I told him I wanted to see the Northern Lights too, but he always laughed and said it was too cold there, and he needed to focus on work.

Until yesterday, when I was organizing his old hard drives for him.

An encrypted folder, simply named "February."

When I opened it, I found it was full of the same womanIngrid. She stood beneath the aurora, breathtaking and beautiful.

But he had never taken a single photo of me.

Bitterness filled my heart. Turns out he didn't just photograph landscapeshe photographed people too. He just didn't want to photograph me.

I looked at the two Iceland tickets I'd managed to snag after so much effort and called the airline:

"I need to cancel my tickets!"

He called while I was packing, his voice urgent:

"Didn't you say you've been wanting to see the Northern Lights forever? Why'd you cancel the tickets?"

I hung up directly.

Half an hour later, Alexander came home.

"Talia, just rebook the tickets. Stop this."

"I'm not rebooking."

I pushed the old hard drive to the edge of the table.

"Four Februaries. You took three thousand two hundred photos in Iceland. She changed outfits twenty-four times."

Alexander paused.

"Ingrid understands composition. Using her as my model saves the most trouble."

"Saves so much trouble you need to perfect the lighting on every strand of her hair?"

"That's what the work requires."

He took off his coat and walked over to sit on the couch.

"Are you really going to make an issue out of work stuff?"

I didn't say anything.

I walked to the living room and opened the left drawer.

A set of keys with a StaraLily charm lay quietly inside.

"Whose keys are these?"

Alexander glanced at them.

"Ingrid's. Her fingerprint lock is always dying, so she keeps a spare set here."

"Her fingerprint lock dies, so the spare keys stay at our place?"

"It's just convenient. Don't overthink it."

Last month, there was a torrential downpour in the middle of the night. I couldn't get a ride after work and asked him to pick me up.

He said, "It's too late. I have an early shoot tomorrow. Just call yourself a ride."

That night I waited outside the office building for two hours.

And Ingrid posted a photo on Twitter.

A black umbrella, tilted over her head.

Caption: "No matter how hard it rains, I'm never afraidbecause my hero always comes to the rescue."

That umbrella was the one Alexander always kept in his car.

"I'm not going anymore." I put my documents back in the drawer.

"Iceland is too cold. I really can't handle it."

Alexander sighed and rubbed his temples.

"What's wrong with you now? I already agreed to make Iceland our honeymoon trip. What more do you want from me?"

I looked at him.

"You're taking me this year because she went to Paris for training and isn't available, right?"

Alexander didn't say anything.

Silence was the answer.

Because his lens was empty, it was finally my turn.

His phone rang. It was his mother.

Alexander pressed answer.

"Alexander, have you picked out furniture for the wedding apartment yet?"

"Not yet. We'll go look tomorrow."

"Don't bother. Ingrid picked out the living room sofa and coffee table for you a couple days ago. Italian minimalist styleabsolutely gorgeous."

My hand froze mid-air, still holding my cup.

"Mrs. George," I spoke up. "That's our wedding apartment."

There was a pause on the other end.

"Oh, Talia's there too? Ingrid's taste really is better than yours. Those fabric pieces you usually buy just aren't classy enough."

I looked at Alexander.

He was looking down at his WhatsApp, with no intention of saying a word on my behalf. I hung up the phone.

Alexander frowned.

"Did you have to talk to my mother like that?"

"Ingrid has good taste. What's wrong with her helping out?"

"Fine. Let her pick." I turned and went into the bedroom.

Alexander followed me in, glancing at my back.

"Let's go pick out wedding rings tomorrow. Set a time."

"I'm not available."

"Talia, that's enough. Just settle down and get married like a normal person. Why do you have to make everything so difficult?"

His phone screen lit up with a WhatsApp message.

Ingrid: "It snowed in Paris today. So cold."

Alexander picked up his phone and sent a voice message.

"Wear something warm. What about that polar jacket I sent you?"

His tone was gentle, tinged with reproach.

Last winter, I said I wanted a long down coat.

He said, "You take the subway every day. Why would you need something that thick? What you have is fine."

I turned to face him.

"Alexander, why exactly do you want to marry me?"

He didn't look up. "You have a stable personality. You're suitable for marriage."

The next day, I didn't go to pick out wedding rings.

Alexander's assistant Lucas sent me a message.

"Talia, Alexander went to get the ring. He asked me to postpone the dress fitting to next week."

"He has something going on?"

"Yeah, said he needs to pick up a friend from the airport."

Besides Ingrid, he had no friends who required him to personally pick them up.

That afternoon, Alexander came home and placed a velvet box on the table.

"Got the ring. Try it on and see if it fits."

I opened the box. A plain band, no diamonds, the most basic style.

"Which store did you buy this from?"

"Online." He poured himself a glass of water.

"Store prices are too inflated. No point getting ripped off. Plus you do houseworkwearing a diamond ring wouldn't be convenient anyway."

I opened another paper bag he'd brought back. Inside was a cashmere scarf from a luxury brand.

Deep space gray, incredibly soft to the touch.

"Did you buy this online too?" I asked.

He walked over, took the scarf from my hands, and stuffed it back in the bag.

"That's for Ingrid. She just got back from Paris where it's cold. I picked it up at duty-free."

"One scarf. Twenty-three thousand dollars." I looked at the receipt.

Alexander frowned, growing impatient.

I said nothing more and put the plain band on my finger.

It was too big, hanging loose and awkward on my ring finger.

"It's too big."

He glanced at it.

"Bigger is better. When you get pregnant later your fingers will swellit'll fit perfectly then. Just make do."

For four years, I'd been making do.

That evening, Alexander's college group chat posted an announcement.

"Welcome back party for Ingrid tonight! Same place, everyone come!"

Alexander stood in front of the closet picking out a shirt. "Let's go together tonight. You should meet everyone."

"I'm not going."

"You're my fiance. It would look bad if you didn't come."

I changed clothes and followed him out.

At the private room, everyone had already arrived.

Ingrid sat next to the head of the table, wearing that twenty-three-thousand-dollar cashmere scarf around her neck.

"Alexander, Talia, you're here!"

Ingrid waved with a smile. Alexander naturally walked over and sat beside her.

I sat on Alexander's other side.

The server brought over the menu.

Alexander took it and ordered directly.

"Pan-seared steak, medium-well. Grilled sea bass, no cilantro."

Ingrid rested her chin in her hand, smiling at him.

"Alexander, you still remember I don't eat cilantro."

"We've known each other almost ten years. How could I forget?"

Someone teased, "Alexander's memory is entirely devoted to Ingrid."

The server asked, "Would you like any dessert? Our almond pudding is a specialty."

"Add one. Talia likes it." Alexander closed the menu.

I looked at him. "I'm allergic to almonds."

The room fell silent instantly.

The smile on Alexander's face froze.

"When did you become allergic?"

"Four years ago. I ate it once and broke out in hives all over. You were editing photos at the time and told me to go to the hospital and get medicine myself."

His grip on his glass tightened. "It's been too long. I forgot."

Ingrid quickly poured a glass of warm water and pushed it toward me.

"Talia, don't be mad at Alexander. His head is full of workhow could he remember these little life details?"

"Did he not remember, or did he not care to remember?"

Alexander slammed his glass heavily on the table.

"Talia, do you have to embarrass me in front of everyone?"

He turned to call the server.

"Cancel the soup. Get something she can actually have."

Ingrid sighed softly.

"Talia, are you still upset about those Iceland photos? You two are about to get marrieddon't let me come between you."

Someone nearby couldn't stand it anymore.

"Talia, Alexander was just there for work. You're being way too controlling."

"Exactly. Marriage is a long road. If you're going to check up on him and get jealous every day, who could stand that?"

Alexander sat there without saying a word.

Letting everyone criticize me.

He never shielded me from any attacks, because he thought I deserved it.

I stood up. "I'm going to the restroom."

I splashed cold water on my face and walked out of the restroom.

At the end of the hallway, Alexander was settling the bill at the front desk.

Ingrid stood beside him, reaching naturally into his coat pocket to fish out his car keys.

"Alexander, I'll go start the car and turn on the heat. It's freezing outside."

"Go ahead. Turn on the passenger seat warmer too."

Alexander didn't look up, still checking the bill.

The ease between them flowed like water over flat ground, without the slightest friction.

I walked over just as Alexander finished paying.

"Let's go. Time to head home." He glanced at me.

When we reached the underground parking garage, Ingrid was already sitting in the passenger seat.

She'd kicked off her high heels and changed into a pair of fuzzy flats.

Seeing me approach, Ingrid smiled somewhat apologetically.

"Talia, I have an old ankle injury. I can't wear heels for too long. The passenger side has more legroom so I can stretch out. You don't mind me sitting here, right?"

Before I could respond, Alexander had already opened the back door.

"Talia, you sit in back. Ingrid has a bad backI specifically adjusted the passenger seat's lumbar support to match her spine curvature. It's too much hassle to keep readjusting. It's only a half-hour drive anyway. Just make do."

I got in the back seat. The car pulled out of the garage.

Ingrid's phone screen lit up. The car's Bluetooth automatically connected, and soft jazz flowed through the speakers.

"Oh," Ingrid turned to look at Alexander. "Why does your car system still default to connecting to my phone first?"

Alexander kept his eyes on the road ahead, his tone casual. "Still from the last time you connected it. I didn't change it. Your playlist is finesaves you from always complaining my taste is outdated."

He didn't disconnect the Bluetooth. He didn't switch it either.

He just let her preferences fill the space between him and me.

At a red light, the car stopped.

Ingrid opened the center console with practiced ease and pulled out a tube of hand cream.

She squeezed some into her palm, rubbed it in, then naturally took hold of Alexander's right hand resting on the steering wheel and applied some to him too.

"The wind's harsh in winter. Your hands are getting all dry and flaky."

Alexander didn't pull away, letting her massage the cream into the back of his hand.

"I'm about to be a married man. A little rough is fine. Why bother with this sticky stuff?"

He complained with his words, but his tone was completely unguarded and relaxed.

After finishing with his hands, Ingrid held the hand cream toward the back seat.

"Talia, do you want some? This brand is really moisturizing."

I stared at the familiar logo on the tube.

Last month when my hands were cracking from the cold, I'd asked Alexander to stop by the counter after work and pick one up for me.

He said the counter was too far out of the way and bought me a two-dollar jar of Vaseline from the convenience store downstairs instead.

Now, that hand cream he never bought for me sat naturally in Alexander's car, belonging to Ingrid.

"No thanks." I looked away, turning toward the window.

The car stopped in front of Ingrid's apartment building.

"Alexander, I still can't figure out how to connect that new robot vacuum to Bluetooth. The manual is so complicated. Can you come up and help me set it up?"

Ingrid unbuckled her seatbelt.

Alexander turned off the engine.

He looked back at me. "Wait here for ten minutes. I'll just help her connect it to the network and come right back down."

As he spoke, he habitually pulled out the car keys.

The engine stopped running. The warm air in the car immediately cut off.

"Leave the keys." I looked at him. "I want to run the heat."

Alexander frowned. "It's just ten minutes. There's still residual warmth in the car. Why waste gas running the engine when no one's driving? Since we're getting married, we need to live frugally. Stop being so high-maintenance."

He lectured me self-righteously about "married life."

Then he closed the car door and walked into the building side by side with Ingrid.

I sat in the back seat. Ten minutes. Twenty minutes. Half an hour.

The residual warmth in the cabin completely dissipated. Cold air seeped through the window cracks like needles.

I pushed open the car door, hailed a taxi on the street, and went home.

Walking into the bedroom, I pulled out the suitcase from under the bed and opened the closet.

I began folding my clothes one by one and placing them in the suitcase.

On the bathroom counter, my skincare products occupied only a small corner at the edge.

Most of the space was taken up by Alexander's various colognes and men's hair products.

In the toothbrush holder sat Alexander's blue electric toothbrush.

Next to it was a pink oneleft behind by Ingrid when she stayed over once.

Alexander wouldn't let me throw it out, saying she'd need it next time she visited.

Half an hour. Two suitcases. They contained my entire four years of youth.

At 12:30 AM, Alexander sent me a WhatsApp message.

"The robot's motherboard was broken. I helped her disassemble it to file a warranty claim. You took a taxi home? Why didn't you tell me? Keep the receiptI'll reimburse you. Stop being so wasteful once we're married."

I opened the screen, replied "OK," then long-pressed the conversation and clicked delete.

The chat history cleared instantly.

Saturday morning, I made congee and fried eggs in the kitchen.

Alexander emerged from the bedroom, yawning.

"Why are you up so early today?"

"Alexander." I looked at him. "Can you stay home today and spend the day with me?"

He pulled out a chair and sat down, taking a sip of congee.

"Sure, I don't have any shoots today anyway. We can stay in and look at wedding venues together."

He took out his phone, ready to search for information.

Suddenly the screen lit upIngrid's special ringtone.

He answered immediately. "Hello, Ingrid?"

Her anxious, tearful voice came through the phone.

"Alexander, my cat got out! I think it might have climbed out the window up to the roof. It's so cold outsideit'll freeze to death!"

Alexander shot to his feet. "Don't panic. I'll be right over to help you look!"

He headed toward the entryway, grabbing his coat as he went.

"Alexander." I sat at the dining table without turning around.

"You promised you wouldn't go out today."

His steps paused. "Ingrid's cat has asthma. If we don't find it, it could die. Finding the cat is urgentwe can look at venues later."

"If you walk out that door today, we won't need to look at venues anymore."

My voice was soft, completely flat.

Alexander turned to look at me, his eyes full of impatience.

"Talia, when did you become so cold-blooded? That's a living creature! Can you stop throwing tantrums at a time like this? That's enough!"

Enough. That phrase again.

"Go ahead." I nodded.

He seemed to relax. "I'll be gone two hours max. I'll be back for lunch with you."

The door closed.

I pulled out those two suitcases from the bedroom.

On the coffee table sat a wedding cancellation checklist.

That two-thousand-dollar plain band ring lay on top of the papers.

I took one last look around this home, feeling not a trace of attachment.

I bought a one-way ticket to Hawaii.

The moment the plane landed, I turned off airplane mode.

My phone screen lit up frantically.

Messages from Alexander popped up: "Where are you? Stop this. I'll buy tickets right nowwe'll go to Iceland, okay?"

I stared at those words.

All I could see in my mind were those three thousand two hundred photos of aurora that belonged to someone else.

My heart felt no ripples whatsoever. My finger simply tapped calmly on the screen.

"Too cold. Not going."

I hit send, then blocked him, deleted everything, and powered off completely.

Pushing through the airport's glass doors, warm sea breezes rushed to meet me.

I'd finally left that Iceland tripfour years overdueforever in the frozen snowfields.