One Body Two Ghosts

In preschool, the other kids called me a freak.

I didnt want to be a freak. More than that, I didnt want to be the reason my mother cried.

That day, I finally found the shards of courage Id been hiding and told her: I didnt want to play my brother anymore. I even asked her if she could just let him eat melet the ghost of the boy take what was left.

But Mom said Id already done the eating. She told me I ate him while we were still in her womb.

Back then, shed used the promise of twinsa boy and a girl, the perfect "million-dollar" pregnancyto marry into a family that lived behind iron gates and sweeping lawns. But when the dust settled, there was only me. A daughter. A consolation prize. My father walked away, leaving her with nothing but a grudge and a name that didn't belong to her anymore.

As punishment, she forced me to live two lives. One week, I wore the wig and the dresses, playing the daughter. The next, shed take the clippers to my head, buzz it down to the scalp, and Id become her son.

Whenever I faltered, she would unravel. Shed scream that she was supposed to have a pair of kings, but Id played the hand wrong. Shed ask the air why I was the one who survived. Shed demand I give her son back.

During those fits, I would go still. I let her mold me, trim me, erase me. Mom was right, after all. I owed her. I was living on borrowed time, using a heart that should have been shared.

Moms favorite refrain was that the wrong twin died.

If it had been me, she said, shed still be in that limestone townhouse with the floor-to-ceiling windows, draped in the life she deserved.

"Its because of youthis useless, extra weightthat your father left us," shed whisper, the electric hum of the clippers vibrating against my skull. Shed stare at my reflection in the cracked vanity mirror, her grip so tight it felt like she was trying to peel the skin from my head.

"Do you have any idea how rich he is?" shed ask. "His guest house is bigger than this entire roach-infested apartment. If Danny were alive, Id be sitting on silk right now. Not here. Not like this."

She suddenly yanked a handful of my hair. I winced, my neck snapping back, but I didn't make a sound. In the mirror, Moms eyes were rimmed with a manic red. She wasn't looking at me; she was looking through me, searching for a ghost.

She told me that if I ever stopped being "good," shed send me back to the dark placeback to the wombso Danny could finish what Id started and take his turn at living. I was terrified of being sent back. I was terrified of losing the only person who looked at me, even if she looked at me with hate.

"When I grow up," I used to tell her, "Ill get rich. I'll buy you a house bigger than the one Dad has."

Shed just laugh, a sharp, bitter sound like glass breaking. "Your own father didn't even want you for free. You're a deficit, Maisie. Youll spend your whole life trying to pay back a debt you can't afford."

Today was a "Danny" day. The razor felt cold, a biting winter against my scalp. My hair couldn't be longer than a half-inch, or the illusion would shatter.

I hated the clippers. I hated the way the tiny, prickly hairs got under my shirt and itched until I bled. But if it kept her saneif it kept her hereId let her shave me bald every day.

I thought I could handle it. I really did. Until I started school.

Last week, it was a "Maisie" week. I wore a sun-yellow dress with daisies on the hem. The other girls told me my hair looked pretty, and the teacher, Ms. Parker, even braided my wig into tiny, intricate plaits. I felt light. I felt real.

But this week, the wig was in its box. I was in cargo shorts and a t-shirt, my buzzed head exposed to the fluorescent lights of the classroom. The other kids stared.

"Wait, are you a boy or a girl?"

I opened my mouth, but the answer felt like a lead weight.

"She was a girl yesterday! Now she looks like a thumb!" a boy named Toby shouted, pointing a sticky finger. "Shes a freak! A half-and-half!"

They formed a circle around me. It felt like the walls were closing in, the way Mom said the womb did.

"Freak! Freak! Freak!"

I tried to push past them, but someone shoved me back. I tripped, my knees skidding across the rough concrete of the playground. Blood blossomed through my skin, hot and stinging.

That night, I sobbed into my pillow. I wanted to be like the other girls. I wanted to keep my braids. I didn't want to be a debt collector for a ghost. But I didn't have the right to choose. I had eaten my brother.

The thought took root in my mind, growing like a dark vine. Give him back. Just give him back, and Mom won't be sad anymore.

I waited until she was mid-shave, the clippers buzzing near my ear.

"Mom?" I whispered, my voice barely audible over the hum.

"What?" she snapped.

"I... I don't want to be Danny anymore."

The buzzing stopped.

Moms hand froze in mid-air. She set the clippers down with a deliberate thud, then walked around to face me, crouching so her eyes were level with mine.

"What did you just say?"

I shivered, but the words Id practiced in the dark finally spilled out. "Can we... can we just let Danny eat me now?"

Mom went perfectly still. Seconds ticked by like hours. She stood up slowly, looking down at me with a terrifying blankness. She blew a few stray hairs off her palm, watching them float down onto my face like gray snow.

"Oh," she said, her voice dropping to a low, lethal chill. "I see. Two days of school and suddenly youre too good for this? You think you can just stop paying what you owe?"

"No," I said, the words tripping over each other. "I want to give him back to you. Then you can go back to the big house. You can be happy again."

I didn't tell her the other partthat I was tired of being a freak. It felt too selfish to mention.

"Mom, you said it. You said if you sent me back, hed come back."

I expected her to be relieved. I thought shed be happy I was finally offering her the one thing she actually wanted. Instead, her eyes turned into chips of flint.

"Maisie. Who do you think youre talking to?" She grabbed my shoulder and spun me back toward the mirror, pressing the clippers against my skin harder than before. It hurt.

"You think I don't see what youre doing? Youre just like your father! Youre looking for an exit strategy!" Her voice rose, hitting a jagged, hysterical pitch. "You two ruined my life, and now you want to just skip out on the bill?"

Her breathing became ragged, hot against the back of my neck.

"You manipulate, you lie... just like him! 'Oh, poor Danny,' you say, but you just want to leave me here alone in the dark!"

The clippers caught on a stray knot, yanking sharply. I gasped as a stinging heat flared across my scalp. When I reached up, my fingers came away red.

Mom saw the blood. She didn't stop. She just moved the blade to the other side, her strokes faster, more violent.

"A useless girl like you doesn't get to 'exchange' herself for a son. I told youyou belong to me for life!"

She didn't stop until the buzzing eventually died out. That night, she sat on the floor and cried until her voice gave out.

The next morning, the "Mom" I knew returned. She made oatmeal, dressed me in a boys flannel, and walked me to the school gates. But when Ms. Parker saw me, she stopped dead.

"Lydia," the teacher said, reaching out toward the red scab on my head. "What happened here?"

Mom swiped her hand away. "She was playing explorer. Fell into a rosebush. You know how clumsy kids are."

Moms voice was as smooth as silk. Ms. Parker didn't look convinced. Her brow stayed furrowed the whole time she watched Mom walk away.

Once we were inside, Ms. Parker took me to the "Quiet Corner."

"Maisie," she whispered, "is there anyone else at home? An aunt? A grandma?"

I shook my head. "Just Mom."

Ms. Parker hesitated. "And... is she kind to you, honey?"

I blinked. No one had ever asked me that. Was she kind?

I thought of the times she brushed my wig so gently Id almost fall asleep. But I also thought of the bathroom floor, the locked doors, the way her fingernails left crescents in my arms. But those were my fault. I was the one who ate Danny.

"Mom is good," I told her, my voice steady. "She takes care of me."

"Then why the hair, Maisie? Why the clothes?"

I looked at the floor. I didn't want to lie, but the truth felt like a secret language. "Im paying her back. Its my turn to be Danny this week. If I do it long enough, maybe hell come back for real."

I didn't look up. I was waiting for her to laugh, or to tell me I was a freak like the boys on the playground did.

But she didn't. She just let out a long, shaky breath and touched the edge of the bandage shed put over my cut.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

I nodded, then shook my head. "A little. But its okay. Im a boy this week. Boys are supposed to be tough."

Ms. Parkers eyes suddenly filled with tears. She turned away quickly, wiping them with the back of her hand, then turned back with a brittle smile.

"Youre very brave, Maisie."

That one sentence kept me warm all afternoon.

When the bell rang, Mom was waiting at the fence. Ms. Parker walked me out, her hand resting lightly on my shoulder.

"Lydia, do you have a moment? Id love to do a quick home visit this evening," Ms. Parker said.

Moms face went from neutral to porcelain-white. Then, she snatched my arm, her grip digging into my elbow.

"What did you tell her?" Mom hissed, right there in front of everyone. Her nails bit into my skin.

"I didn't say anything!" I cried out.

"Don't lie to me!"

"Lydia!" Ms. Parker stepped between us, trying to pry Moms hand off. "You're hurting her!"

Mom jerked back, her eyes wide and wild, fixed on me like I was a traitor on a battlefield.

"Maisie is a wonderful girl. She didn't say anything wrong," the teacher said, her voice dropping into a calm, authoritative tone. "A home visit is standard. I just want to see her environment."

Mom stared at her for a long time. Then, a fake, chilling smile stretched across her lips.

"Oh. A visit. Of course." She patted my head, her hand heavy and stiff. "I thought shed gotten into trouble. Wed love to have you, Ms. Parker. Excuse the mess."

The walk home was silent. When we got inside, Ms. Parker followed. I watched her eyes sweep over our apartment.

It was a museum of "Two." Two of everything. Two toothbrushes. Two sets of shoes. The most haunting part was the wall with the wardrobes: one painted a soft, dusty rose with princess decals; the other a sharp navy blue with racing cars.

Ms. Parker took a sharp breath. "Lydia... isn't Maisie your only child?"

Mom smiled. "This is a private matter, Ms. Parker. Youre here as a teacher, not a therapist." She glared at me. "Maisie, go to your room."

I turned to go, but Ms. Parker called out. "Wait."

She turned back to Mom, her voice softening, pleading. "Im trying to help. The kids at school... they're bullying her. Shes confused, Lydia. And these bruises" she gently lifted my sleeve to reveal the mottled purple marks on my forearm. "You have to know this isn't right."

The fake smile on Moms face shattered. It didn't just fall away; it exploded into rage.

"And what do you know?" Moms voice started to tremble. "My parents died when I was a kid. I clawed my way into a life that mattered! I was carrying twins! Real, beautiful twins!"

She pointed a shaking finger at me. "And then this... this thing happened. Ive sacrificed everything to keep her fed, to keep her clothed. Do you have any idea how hard I work?"

She began to scream. The veins in her neck stood out like cords. "I haven't done anything wrong! Im the victim here!"

I started shaking. "Mom, youre right. Youre right. Its my fault."

Mom turned that terrifying gaze on me. "Yes! It is your fault! Youre the one who ruined everything!"

"Lydia, stop!"

Ms. Parker pulled me into her arms, shielding me. "Do you hear yourself? Shes a baby! Shes five years old!"

Mom went feral. She lunged forward, trying to yank me away. "Get your hands off my child! You have no right!"

Ms. Parker held on tight, though I could feel her heart hammering against my back. "Lydia, look at me. If you don't calm down, I am calling the police."

"Call them! Let them take me!" Mom shrieked, collapsing into a heap of hysterical sobs.

Seeing her like that broke something inside me. I couldn't stand her pain. I squirmed out of Ms. Parkers arms and crawled over to Mom on the floor.

"Mom," I whispered.

She looked at me, her face a mask of tears and smeared mascara.

"Mom, let Danny eat me. Please. If I go away, you won't be scared anymore."

Mom stared at me for an eternity. Then, she let out a soft, hallow laugh.

"Fine," she whispered. "Then go die. Go die and give him his turn."

Ms. Parker froze. "Youre sick," she breathed, her voice thick with horror. "You aren't a mother. You're a monster."

Mom didn't even look at her. She stood up and pointed toward the door. "Get. Out. My house, my rules."

Ms. Parker tried to argue, but Mom shoved her. "Out! Now!"

The door slammed shut, the lock clicking with finality. Mom turned back to me, her eyes dead.

"Smart girl," she said quietly. "Found yourself a little protector, did you? You think a teacher can save you from who you are?"

"No," I whispered.

"I gave you everything! I sent you to that school so you could be someone! And you use it to turn people against me?"

She grabbed me by the scruff of my shirt and dragged me into my bedroom, throwing me inside and locking the door from the outside.

"Stay in there and think about who really loves you!"

I sat on the floor in the dark. I already knew she was the only one who loved me. But I was thinking about what she said. If I died, Danny could come back.

There was a way. A real way to pay the debt.

I stood up and walked to the window. It was a warm evening. I didn't hesitate. I didn't even feel brave. I just felt like a check that was finally being cashed.

I climbed onto the ledge and let go.

The fall was fast. A rush of wind, a blurred world, and then

CRACK.

It hurt. For exactly one second, it was the worst pain I had ever known. And then, it was nothing. I felt light. Like a balloon that had finally untied its string.

Inside the apartment, I heard Mom screaming. "What was that? Maisie! You better not be breaking things in there! Im not letting you out until you apologize!"

I floated up. I passed through the ceiling and saw her kicking the door.

"Mom, Im not breaking anything!" I shouted.

But she couldn't hear me. She kept kicking until she slumped against the wood, sliding down to the floor. She put her face in her hands and started to sob.

I tried to reach out and hug her, but my hands passed right through her shoulders.

"Don't cry, Mom," I whispered. "Dannys coming. Youre going to have your son back."

Mom sat there for a while, then wiped her eyes. She knocked on the door softly this time.

"Maisie? Come out. Im sorry. I just... I don't want you to think shes better than me. I'm your mother."

She sounded so small. So fragile.

I can't come out, Mom. Im gone.

Suddenly, a thunderous pounding came from the front door. "Lydia! Open the door!" It was Ms. Parker.

Mom groaned and went to open it. Ms. Parker burst in, followed by two police officers. Her face was bloodless, her eyes wide with a terror Id never seen.

"Lydia!" she screamed, grabbing Mom by the shoulders. "Did you push her? Did you push her out the window?"

Moms jaw dropped. She stood frozen, the world slowing down as the realization began to bleed into her mind.

"What... what are you talking about?"

Moms hand stayed on the doorknob, her body a statue. Her eyes were wide, but they were vacant, like she was listening to a language she didn't speak.

"Maisie fell!" Ms. Parker shrieked, tears streaming down her face. "I was outside on the phone with the police, and I turned around and"

Mom didn't wait for the rest. She shoved Ms. Parker aside and bolted for the window.

We were on the sixth floor.

She leaned out so far I thought she might fall too. I floated beside her, looking down.

A crowd had gathered around the flowerbed. In the center of the concrete, there was a small shape. A blue t-shirt, khaki shorts. A buzzed head. The limbs were twisted at impossible angles. Beneath it, a dark, velvet red was slowly blooming across the gray pavement.

That was me.

"No," Mom whispered. It wasn't a word; it was a ghost of a sound caught in her throat. She stared at the little body, her eyes unblinking. Then, her bones seemed to turn to water.

The officers caught her before she hit the floor. "Ma'am? Ma'am!"

Her eyes moved, but they didn't see the room. She tried to speak, but her voice was gone.