This Life, I Only Love Myself

The night I slept with drunk Mabel, I had just broken up with my ex-girlfriend.

Out of responsibility, I married her.

Our marriage was peaceful and stable.

I once thought this would last forever.

Until my ex-girlfriend passed away from illness.

When I went to pay my respects, I learned that she had left back then because she discovered what happened between us that night, and her heart had completely died.

And my secret diary was discovered by him at exactly that moment.

He was convinced I had deliberately sabotaged their relationship, and he hated me to the bone.

He divorced me, made me leave with nothing, and suppressed me at every turn.

On the verge of death, all I heard was his cold voice:

"Your love truly disgusts me."

When I opened my eyes again, I had been reborn to the day he broke up with his ex-girlfriend.

I grabbed my jacket and rushed out of my room, knocking on his ex-girlfriend's door.

Seeing me, Lily froze for a moment.

Her eyes were red and swollenshe'd clearly just been crying. "Mabel? How did you..."

"Lily." I tried to keep my voice calm. "Can I come in and talk?"

The living room was a mess, with a half-eaten cake on the table.

I smiled and got straight to the point:

"I'm here to apologize on behalf of Mason. He forgot your birthdaythat's his fault."

Lily pressed her lips together without speaking.

"It's not that he doesn't love you. He's never been good at expressing himself since childhood. You mentioned breaking up, and now he's at a bar drinking alone."

I paused. "Lily, go find him."

In my previous life, after he married me, every year on Lily's birthday he would drink alone at a bar.

He had never let her go.

Lily looked at me, then suddenly smiled, though her tears flowed even harder.

"With Mason's cold personality, how did he end up with such a thoughtful sister like you?"

"I'll go right now."

"Thank you, Mabel."

After telling Lily which bar Mason was at, she changed clothes and left.

I watched her figure disappear, letting out a long breath.

In this life, that night would never happen.

Back home, I dug out the diary hidden deep in my closet.

When I was ten years old and wandering the streets, eighteen-year-old Mason found me.

He was cold to outsiders, but gentle with me.

When I first awakened to love, I knewI had fallen for him.

But this was a crush I could never voice.

I took it out and tore it apart, page by page.

The torn pieces fell into the toilet, and I flushed them away with my own hands.

About two hours later, the door opened.

Lily helped the drunk Mason inside.

Mason held her tightly, mumbling:

"Lily... don't break up... I was wrong... I was really wrong..."

Lily looked helpless, agreeing repeatedly: "Okay, okay, we won't break up."

Seeing me, she breathed a sigh of relief:

"Mabel, could you heat up some milk? I'll help him to his room first."

"Sure."

Lily helped him into the bedroom.

I stood in the kitchen waiting for the water to boil, listening to the sounds coming from the bedroom.

He was acting cute, she was laughing.

When Mason first introduced me to Lily in my previous life, I knew immediatelythey were perfect for each other.

Lily was bright and generous, from a good family, well-mannered, and treated me, his sister, very well.

She was a good person.

If not for me, she wouldn't have died, and they would have been happy.

In this life, I would make amends.

Lily stayed in Mason's room taking care of him all night.

The next morning, when I came downstairs, I saw Mason busy in the kitchen.

He fried eggs, heated milk, and arranged toast triangles on a plate.

Then he brought it to Lily, his voice gentle: "Eat it while it's hot."

Lily smiled and poked him: "When did you learn to take care of people so well?"

His gaze settled on Lily's face. He didn't speak, but the corners of his mouth curved upward.

In my previous life after we married, he would also cook for me.

When I had my period, he would clumsily make warm milk.

I stood at the bottom of the stairs, my footsteps pausing.

"Mabel, come have breakfast." Lily called to me.

Mason looked up at me, his gaze indifferent.

No extra words, no extra expression.

I sat down at the table, and he stood up, keeping one seat between us.

The way he looked at me was like looking at a stranger.

It reminded me of the ruthlessness in his eyes when he forced me to leave with nothing in my previous life.

After forcing down a piece of bread, I stood up:

"I'm full. I have class at school, I'll head out first."

Lily said: "So soon? You haven't had your milk yet..."

"I'm running late."

I grabbed my bag and escaped out the door.

All day, I searched for study abroad information in the library and filled out applications.

In my previous life, I gave up my chance to study abroad to stay by Mason's side.

This time, I would go far, far away and live for myself.

That evening, I planned to stay in the dorms, but Lily called.

"Mabel, come home for dinner, I have big news!"

When I got home, Mason opened the door.

Seeing me, he frowned: "Why did you come back?"

Clearly, he wasn't the one who wanted me back.

"Lily said there was something." I said quietly.

Lily poked her head out from the kitchen:

"Mabel's back!"

She pressed me down on the sofa and handed me the remote: "You watch TV, dinner will be ready soon!"

Mason helped her in the kitchen.

Through the glass door, I watched him lower his head listening to Lily talk, his lips curved in a slight arc, his eyes so tender they could overflow.

He had also cooked for me before.

When I had a fever, he stayed up all night and made me porridge in the morning. On my birthday, he canceled his business dinners and came home to cook a whole table of dishes.

"What are you spacing out about?"

Seeing me lost in thought, Lily pushed Mason out of the kitchen.

"You go keep Mabel company. I can handle the last soup myself."

Mason reluctantly wiped his hands and sat down on the single sofa across from me.

The distance was far.

Silence spread between us.

The TV played some boring variety show, the laughter sounding particularly harsh.

"Mabel." Mason suddenly spoke.

I looked at him.

He looked at me, his eyes heavy: "Study hard, be more grounded, don't think about things you shouldn't."

My heart felt like it was being squeezed tight.

Things I shouldn't think about.

In his eyes, my feelings for him were things I shouldn't think about.

In my previous life when he discovered my diary, he said: "Mabel Parker, you truly disgust me."

He thought I deliberately sabotaged them, thought I was greedy and ungrateful.

But I just liked him. I never said anything to Lily to damage their relationship.

He didn't believe me.

"I understand." I heard my own calm voice. "I won't."

During dinner, Lily announced with flushed cheeks: "Mason proposed to me today!"

She extended her left hand, the diamond ring on her ring finger sparkling under the lights.

"Congratulations." I showed a genuinely happy smile. "Mason, Lily, I wish you both happiness."

Mason's hand holding the knife and fork paused, and he looked up at me.

I lowered my head to eat, pretending not to notice.

After dinner, I volunteered to clean up the dishes.

Vague laughter came from the living room. Lily was talking about her vision for the wedding, and Mason responded in a low voice, his tone indulgent.

After washing the dishes, I dried my hands and was about to go out and tell them I had things to do at school.

Just as I reached the living room doorway, I heard Mason's voice:

"...After she graduates, let's have her move out. I'll buy her an apartment near school. It's not convenient for a young woman to keep living with us."

Lily disagreed: "But isn't it unsafe for Mabel to live alone?"

"Besides, you two are siblings, what's wrong with living together?"

Mason's voice was flat: "She's grown up, she should have her own life. We also need our own space."

I stood in place, not listening any further.

I turned around, quietly went upstairs, grabbed my bag, and left.

After getting far enough away, I sent Lily a message:

Lily, something came up at school suddenly, I'm heading back. Good night.

I took a deep breath.

Moving out was for the best.

The farther away, the safer.

Three days later, while researching materials in the library, I suddenly remembered something.

In my previous life, Lily died from bone cancer.

By the time it was discovered, it was already late stage.

Which meant that right now, cancer cells might already be in Lily's body.

I suddenly stood up, knocking over my chair and drawing sidelong glances from those around me.

Without bothering to apologize, I rushed out of the library, calling Lily while running.

"Lily, are you free this afternoon? I'd like to treat you to afternoon tea."

At the caf, when I told Lily I wanted her to go for a health checkup with me, she couldn't help laughing:

"Mabel, why do you suddenly want a checkup? Are you not feeling well?"

I made up an excuse: "The school organized it. Lily, I'm scared to go alone, can you come with me?"

Lily looked at me suspiciously: "Really?"

I tried to look as sincere as possible:

"Really. And I also want you to get checked. Consider it... a pre-wedding checkup? After all, you're going to marry Mason."

Lily's face flushed red, and she chided: "You..."

Just then, her phone rang. It was Mason.

"Where are you?"

"Having afternoon tea with Mabel."

There was silence on the other end: "Come home early."

After hanging up, Lily smiled at him: "Clingy."

I forced a smile, made an excuse about having class, and arranged to meet her on the weekend.

Just as I reached the school gate, I saw Mason's car parked there.

He got out of the car, grabbed my wrist, and dragged me to a corner.

Before I could react, he shoved me away.

I stumbled and fell to the ground.

My knees and elbows burned with pain. Looking down, I saw the skin was scraped and blood was seeping out.

He looked down at me from above, his eyes cold as ice.

"Mabel Parker, I'm warning you, stay away from Lily."

"Don't say things you shouldn't say, don't do things you shouldn't do."

I braced myself with my arms and stood up, my voice shaking: "I didn't."

"I just wanted her to go for a checkup with me."

He paused: "Are you sick?"

The words came out almost reflexively.

I froze, then shook my head: "No, the school requires it."

He stared at me for a long time, his expression slowly changing.

As if remembering something, or confirming something.

After a moment, he crouched down and looked at the wound on my knee.

"Get in the car."

He took me to a pharmacy to buy iodine and gauze, then crouched by the roadside to treat my wound.

His movements weren't exactly gentle, but they were careful.

His voice was low: "This weekend, I'll take you both for the checkup."

I lowered my head, staring at my toes, everything blurry.

The day the test results came out, Lily cried until her whole body shook.

Early-stage bone cancer.

The doctor said: "It was discovered very timely. The cure rate is very high."

Mason held Lily, his hands trembling with fear.

Lily looked at me with red eyes: "Mabel, thank you... really, thank you."

I shook my head and patted her back.

Mason's gaze moved past Lily's shoulder and landed on me.

Deep and heavy.

I remembered the day Lily died in my previous lifeit was raining heavily.

After Mason learned that she left back then because she discovered what happened between us that night, he stood in front of her grave all day, soaked through.

When he came home, he smashed everything he could, then found my diary hidden at the bottom of a drawer.

So he was convinced I had deliberately told Lily.

I explained. He didn't believe me.

He divorced me, made me leave with nothing, and prevented me from finding any work.

In the end, I died of illness in a rental apartment with no one by my side.

Now, there was still time to fix everything.

Lily would live.

Mason wouldn't blame me in the future.

And I would leave.

A huge weight finally lifted from my heart.

Leaving the hospital, the sun was setting.

Mason went to handle the admission procedures while Lily and I sat in the lobby waiting.

Lily leaned on my shoulder and said softly: "Mabel, I'm scared."

I patted her hand: "Don't be afraid. Mason will always be with you."

Lily was hospitalized.

The surgery was very successful, followed by chemotherapy.

Mason pushed aside all his work to stay at the hospital with her every day.

I ran back and forth between school and the hospital while also preparing materials to study abroad, so busy my feet barely touched the ground.

That day when I came home from the hospital, Mason called out to me.

"Mabel."

I stopped and turned to look at him.

He handed me a key:

"I bought an apartment near your school, two bedrooms and a living room, already furnished. You should... move there soon."

I froze for a moment, then took it and nodded: "Okay."

No questioning, no hesitation.

Mason looked at me, seeming to want to read something from my face.

But I simply calmly pocketed the key, turned, and went upstairs.

The next day, I started packing.

Most of my things I planned to donate or throw away.

In the new apartment, I would buy all new things and start a completely new life.

I came home later and later, barely appearing at the dinner table.

The things in my room decreased day by day.

The bookshelf emptied, the closet emptied, only a lonely jewelry box remained on the dresser.

That evening, I didn't get home until after ten.

Mason sat on the living room sofa without turning on the lights.

In the darkness, the cigarette tip flickered on and off.

"So late." He spoke, his voice cold. "Where were you?"

My movement of changing shoes paused: "I had things at school."

After changing shoes, I headed straight for my room.

Behind me came the sound of a cup knocking against the table.

Lily's chemotherapy went smoothly.

Three months later, the doctor said she was recovering well and could go home to recuperate with regular checkups.

On the day of discharge, I went too.

Lily had lost quite a bit of weight, but she was in good spirits.

Mason went to handle the discharge paperwork while Lily and I waited in the ward.

"Mabel." Lily suddenly said, "Did you and Mason... have a fight?"

I froze.

Lily sighed: "He's been in a terrible mood lately."

"Everyone at the company avoids him when they see him coming."

I didn't speak.

Lily gripped my hand: "I know about him making you move out."

"I scolded him for it. Don't worry, as long as I'm here, that place will always be your home."

I held her hand back and said very seriously:

"Lily. I've grown up, I should have my own life. Besides, I'm already processing paperwork to study abroad. I'll probably leave next year."

Lily's eyes widened: "Study abroad? Where? For how long?"

"England, for graduate school. Probably two or three years."

Lily's eyes reddened again:

"Then... you have to take good care of yourself when you're there alone. If anything happens, you must tell us, okay?"

"Mm."

Lily wiped her eyes, then suddenly smiled:

"Mabel, let me introduce you to a friend. He's my schoolmate, works in architectural design, a really great person."

I shook my head: "No need."

"Why not? You'll be so lonely by yourself."

I hesitated, then told the truth: "Actually... I'm already seeing someone."

"What?" Lily's eyes widened.

"I met him while processing study abroad paperwork. We're planning to apply to the same school together."

Lily's eyes lit up and she clapped her hands:

"That's wonderful! I have to tell Mason! We need to check him out first, can't let you be deceived!"

"No need..." I tried to stop her, but she had already picked up her phone.

"Oh, he's back." Lily put down her phone and looked toward the door.

Mason pushed the door open, holding the discharge documents.

Seeing our hands clasped together, his eyes darkened.

"What are you two so happy about?" He walked over and naturally put his arm around Lily's shoulder.

Lily looked up at him, her eyes bright:

"I just said I wanted to introduce Mabel to someone, guess what?"

He glanced at me, his tone certain: "She definitely refused."

"That's right, she didn't agree."

He gave a light "mm":

"She's been attached to me since childhood, didn't even want to live in dorms for college. Do you think she'd be willing to date?"

Lily continued with a smile:

"But she said she has a boy she likes, and she's going abroad with him!"