I Won’t Turn Back

The word divorce hit me just as I picked up a piece of braised pork.

Lets do it, Liam said, setting down his chopsticks. His tone was as casual as if he were mentioning a business trip tomorrow.

I bit into the pork, chewed twice, and swallowed.

Alright.

He froze. His chopsticks hovered mid-air for five seconds, then another five. I kept eating. The braised pork, rich with sauce, was perfectly cooked C a dish Id spent forty minutes preparing. He never touched his chopsticks again.

After finishing the last piece, I got up to clear the table. As I passed him, he grabbed my wrist.

Audrey, did you hear me clearly? I said divorce.

I looked down at his hand, then up at him. I said, alright.

His grip loosened.

I walked into the kitchen and turned on the faucet. The rushing water drowned out everything. Including the gentle flutter I felt in my lower belly when my hand instinctively touched it.

01

The faucet turned off, and the kitchen fell silent. I dried my hands and pulled my phone from my apron pocket. Sarahs message was still lit up, sent three minutes ago: Business license approved, pick it up tomorrow.

I replied Got it and put the phone back.

Liam leaned against the dining room doorframe, arms crossed. Thats it? Youre not going to ask why?

I untied my apron, folded it neatly, and placed it by the stove. This apron, cream-colored linen with a small daisy embroidered on the corner, was a gift from him our first year of marriage. Three years on, the embroidery was frayed.

No need to ask, I said.

His jaw tightened. Having known Liam for six years, I recognized that expression well. He was waiting for me to cry, to make a scene, to grab his sleeve and demand: Is there someone else? Did your mother say something again? Then he could storm out, leaving behind a classic line: Youre always so unreasonable. Id played this script for three years, knowing the lines by heart.

But not today.

So Monday, at the courthouse? he probed.

Sure. Morning or afternoon?

Morning. Nine oclock.

Alright. Ill set an alarm.

I walked past him to the bedroom. Though bedroom wasnt quite right. After our big fight three months ago, he moved to the study. I slept alone in the master bedroom. In this 1400 square-foot apartment, we each occupied a half, separated by a hallway and three months of silence.

I locked the door and pulled open the innermost drawer of the wardrobe. Beneath the drawer lay a file. Inside was a newly signed apartment lease, a bank card Id had for three years, a brand-new family registry book, and todays detailed ultrasound report. On the report, a tiny figure was curled up, its limbs clearly visible.

Thirty-two weeks. Eight months.

My hand rested on my belly; beneath my loose loungewear, my pregnancy was quite noticeable. But Liam wouldn't know. He hadnt really looked at me for three months.

02

Monday, at the registry office. The divorce cooling-off period application forms lay on the windowsill, one for each of us. Liam finished quickly and slid his over to me. He used that Montblanc pen. A limited edition Id queued three hours for last Valentine's Day. Hed glanced at it then, saying, Keep the box, Ill put it in my office. The pen was given away, but the box remained. The irony struck me now.

I signed my form with the ballpoint pen from the counter. The clerk took the forms, her face expressionless. Thirty-day cooling-off period. Both parties must return to collect the certificate when it expires.

Leaving the office, the November wind gusted into my collar. I wrapped my coat tighter. This coat was two sizes too big, a loose black style, like a flag draped over me. Sarah had specially chosen it two months ago. To hide the belly, whod ever notice? shed said, crouching outside a changing room, handing me sizes.

Liam stood in the parking lot, hands in his pockets, watching me.

Need a ride?

No. I pulled out my phone and called a car. He took a step forward.

Audrey, have you gained weight recently?

My heart skipped a beat. Just one.

Too much hotpot.

My ride arrived. I opened the back door. Before getting in, I looked back one last time. Not out of longing. But to remember the scenehim standing beneath the grand Marriage Registration Office sign, autumn wind ruffling his hair, a look of bewilderment on his face I'd never seen before.

Three years of marriage, and this was the first time he showed me such an expression. It wasnt because he was reluctant to let go. It was because he was confused.

He was confused because: Why aren't you following the script?

03

Day three of the cooling-off period. I was packing my things in the master bedroom. Clothes in the wardrobe hung in four rows, separated by season. The left two rows were mine, the right two were Liams. Id ironed his shirts a thousand times. Light blue for business functions, white for client meetings, gray for overtime. The collars and cuffs were always immaculate.

I took down my two rows of clothes, folded them, and packed them into boxes. Not much. Two suitcases held everything. In three years of marriage, everything I brought into this home amounted to just two boxes.

And what I left behind in this home

The print from the antique market in the living room, I hung it. The row of pothos on the balcony, I planted it. The storage basket under the coffee table, the categorized spice jars in the kitchen, the toiletries neatly arranged by function in the bathroom.

All my handiwork.

But they wouldnt come with me. They belonged to this house, not to me.

My phone rang. It was my mother-in-law, Mrs. Hayes. I hesitated two seconds, then answered.

Audrey dear, I hear you two are getting divorced? Her voice was as cheerful as if she were discussing good news.

Yes.

Oh, thats good, thats good. Youre young, finding someone else wont be hard.

She paused, her tone suddenly dropping a notch. By the way, that credit card of yours, what was the limit again? Five thousand? Remember to close the account after you pay it off.

I didn't speak. That card was in my name, with my credit limit, and Id charged nineteen thousand to it over three years. Twelve thousand of that was for her wellness classes and health check-up packages.

Alright, I said. If theres nothing else, Im hanging up.

After ending the call, I squatted by the suitcase, taking a moment to compose myself. Not sadness. It was a sudden feeling of lightness. Like a shackle, slipped on at some unknown point, had finally been removed.

The baby in my belly kicked again. I looked down and whispered, Mommys taking you away.

Day five of the cooling-off period. Liam returned once. He stood at the master bedroom door, looking at the suitcases spread on the floor, but didn't enter.

Are you really moving out?

Yes.

Where to?

To a friends place.

He leaned against the doorframe, as if waiting for something. I continued packing, tucking a half-read book from the nightstand into a box.

He suddenly said, Audrey, do you think Ive wronged you?

I straightened up, looking at him. Liam, you were the one who suggested divorce.

He didn't reply. After a long silence, he said, My mother said you recently

What your mother says isnt important. I zipped up my suitcase. What matters is what you think.

He opened his mouthno, he didnt say it. He turned and left. The door closed softly, as if afraid of disturbing someone.

04

Day seven of the cooling-off period. The moving van was parked at the complex entrance. Two suitcases and a bag of books didn't even fill the trunk. The driver helped me load my belongings, then looked back at me. Maam, moving alone? Need help finding someone?

No, this is all of it.

The van pulled out of the complex. I glanced in the rearview mirror one last time. The lights on the seventeenth floor were off. Liam wasn't home.

Sarah picked me up and drove me to my new apartment. A two-bedroom, one-bath, 680 square feet, in a new complex on the west side of the city. Rent was $4200 a month. Shed found it for me three months ago, paid a deposit plus three months rent, and it even came fully furnished.

The landlady is a sweet old lady, she even brought you a microwave when she heard youd be living alone, Sarah said, carrying my suitcase inside, glancing back at my face as she walked. How are you doing? Tired? Maybe lie down for a bit? Her gaze lingered on my belly. With my coat off, even a loose sweater couldnt hide the curve anymore.

Im fine. I sat on the sofa, a hand supporting my lower back. A 32-week belly was heavy, and just a few steps made me breathless.

Sarah pulled a stack of documents from her bag and placed them on the coffee table. Business license, bank account opening, tax registrationall done. She flipped to a page and pointed it out to me. Timeless Media LLC, legal representative Audrey Ye, registered capital fifty thousand.

Fifty thousand. It was all the savings Id accumulated over these three years. Liam didnt know I had this money. He thought my entire salary went to household expenses. In reality, for three years, Id siphoned eight hundred dollars from my monthly salary and deposited it into an account he didn't know about. Eight hundred times thirty-six months, thats twenty-eight thousand eight hundred. Adding a few freelance projects I took on, it just reached fifty thousand.

Those freelance projects were done late at nightafter Liam fell asleep, Id open my laptop on the kitchen dining table, writing proposals, revising PowerPoints, and developing marketing strategies for clients. Once, he got up for water in the middle of the night and saw the light in the kitchen. Not sleeping this late?

Cant sleep, watching a show for a bit.

He grunted and returned to the study. He didnt even bother to walk over and glance at the screen.

Sarah sat next to me, resting her head on my shoulder. Audrey, youre finally out.

I didn't speak. Outside the window, the city lights of the west district were not as bustling as the east, but they were certainly quieter. The baby in my belly turned over.

I thought, this might be the first night in nearly three years that I dont have to pretend to be happy.

05

Day ten of the cooling-off period. Mrs. Hayes came by once. Not to see me, but to see Liam. I had already moved out, but the security guard Sarah knew in the complex messaged her: Your friends ex-mother-in-law is here, with a young woman. I didn't ask for details.

But that night, Sarah couldn't help but tell me anyway. The guard said the woman was in her mid-twenties, walked in arm-in-arm with your mother-in-law, laughing and chatting.

Lily White. The name wasn't unfamiliar to me. Liams senior from college, who went to the UK after graduation. Even before we got married, Mrs. Hayes used to lament, Liam had a classmate named Lily, such a wonderful girl, what a shame she went abroad.

Later, Lily returned to the country. It was last autumn. Mrs. Hayes specifically mentioned it at a family dinner: Little White is back, an executive at a foreign company, earning a million a year. Audrey, cant you try a little harder? The whole table fell silent. Liams aunt tried to smooth things over: Sister Hayes, Audrey is great too, she keeps the house so clean. Mrs. Hayes pouted: What good is clean? It doesnt put food on the table.

On the drive home that day, Liam didn't say a single word in my defense. The entire elevated highway, forty-five minutes, not a single word. I watched the streetlights flash by, one after another, counting to the one hundred thirty-seventh, then finally stopped. Not because we were home. But because I didn't want to count anymore.

Now Lily was being led in by Mrs. Hayes. I wasnt surprised at all. What surprised me was the WeChat message Liam sent me the next day.

My mother brought someone without my permission. Ive already sent her away.

I stared at it for ten seconds, didn't reply. A minute later, he sent another: Where did you move to? Send your location. Still no reply. His avatar flickered on and off above the chatbox, as if he was typing and deleting repeatedly. Finally, it settled on one sentence:

Audrey, dont be like this.

I flipped my phone over, face down on the table.

Don't be like what? Don't cry, don't make a scene, don't beg him to stay? Don't follow the script hed set?

Unfortunately, I was no longer that Audrey.