The Day I Stopped Fighting

Ever since I was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder three years ago, no one in my family had smiled.

My dad, David, was always on the go.

After his office job, he'd pick up odd shifts on construction sites to save money for my treatment.

My mom, Sarah, not only took care of me but also went to the hospital every day to look after my grandma, who was paralyzed.

My five-year-old sister, Chloe, already did most of the chores at home and always watched my mood nervously.

Today was Chloe's sixth birthday.

Id started taking my medication on time a week ago, hoping to be in good spirits to celebrate her birthday.

But the moment Mom brought out the cake, my head suddenly began to throb intensely. It was the warning sign of an alter switch.

I tugged at Mom's sleeve, telling her I felt terrible.

My usually gentle mom suddenly slapped me hard and locked me in the bathroom.

"If you feel so bad, then just die!"

"Have I not been good to you? Why do you have to steal Chloe's attention at a time like this?"

"You're crazy! You're a lunatic!"

Mom screamed hysterically at me, slamming the bathroom door shut.

The moment she closed the door, the alter switch began.

The part of me that was desperate to die, my alter, One, finally took control.

I was like an observer, only able to watch as One controlled my body.

For the past three years, every time One took over, my body would try to die in various ways.

Jumping from a window, that was when I was eight. One climbed onto the balcony while Mom and Dad were at the hospital with Grandma.

Luckily, Dad came home early and grabbed me, but he fell to the ground, spraining his ankle, and couldn't get out of bed for half a month.

Cutting my wrist, that was last winter. One found a piece of broken glass and made a gash on my wrist.

When Mom found me, she cried hysterically, rushing me to the hospital that very night and stayed by my bedside for three days and three nights without closing her eyes.

Drowning, that was in the bathtub. One filled it with water and submerged my head. Chloe noticed something was wrong and frantically called Mom, which saved me.

One had tried most ways to commit suicide, but my parents always managed to save me.

When I opened my eyes, I would often see my parents' and Chloe's tear-streaked faces.

"Lily, I'm begging you, please don't try to die again."

"Are you going to harm our whole family until you're satisfied?"

"Are you okay? Dad and Mom are so worried about you."

From then on, every time I felt an alter switch coming, I would take a lot of medication to stay normal.

Even if the pills made me dizzy and nauseous, I didn't want to see my family's tears again.

But this time, I had no more medication. One could finally fulfill his wish.

One looked at the eyebrow razor on the vanity, carefully tucking it away.

In my mind, I screamed and struggled, trying to regain control of my body.

But One's strength was too great. I was trapped, like in a cage, unable to do anything.

Outside, Dad's confused voice suddenly came through.

"Sarah, where's Lily? Isn't she coming to celebrate Chloe's birthday?"

Mom's voice, almost breaking, full of long-suppressed resentment, answered.

"She's pretending to be sick again. Usually, I'd let it slide, but today is Chloe's birthday."

"I don't want Chloe's birthday to be ruined again. She's never had a proper birthday."

Dad sighed, his voice full of weariness. He told Mom,

"Let her cool off then. Her temper needs to be curbed."

"You and I will celebrate Chloe's birthday. The child has never had a proper birthday since she was little, let's not disappoint her again."

One laughed at me mockingly in my mind.

"See? Mom and Dad don't love us anymore. Why should we live?"

"After that incident, I told you, death is the only escape. But you insisted on enduring for the family until now. Is this the result you wanted?"

I wanted to deny him. Mom and Dad clearly loved me! They had sacrificed almost everything for me!

But then I remembered Dad's shoulder injury, Mom's dark circles under her eyes, and Chloe's ingratiating smile.

To pay for my therapy fees, Dad often worked on construction sites until his lower back gave out, and on rainy days, the pain would almost keep him from getting out of bed.

Mom had to take care of Grandma and then come back to care for me, her sick child. She only slept three or four hours a day.

To avoid upsetting me, Chloe was always well-behaved and gentle around me. Even at just five years old, she'd learned to wash dishes and do chores.

If I died, maybe everyone would be happier.

I gave up struggling, letting One turn on the faucet, fill the tub with hot water, and then climb in.

Without a moment of hesitation, One used the eyebrow razor to cut my wrist.

The wound was deep enough to see bone, and blood instantly flowed out.

The water in the tub gradually turned crimson, and my soul felt lighter.

This was finally coming to an end.

Dad wouldn't have to put on pain patches every night; he could get a good night's sleep.

Mom wouldn't have to rush around every day, taking me to doctors.

Chloe could finally have a normal childhood.

My family would finally be free of me, this "lunatic."

In the last moment before my consciousness completely faded, my original personality switched back.

Looking towards the door, I whispered my last words.

Mom, Dad, Chloe, I'm sorry.

If there's a next life, I'll never be a burden to you again.

When I opened my eyes again, I was floating near the dining table at home.

Dad was covering Chloe's eyes, and Mom carefully carried a fruit cake.

"Happy 6th Birthday to our darling Chloe!"

Chloe opened her eyes and smiled in surprise.

"Mom, Dad, I've never seen such a beautiful cake!"

My eyes welled up instantly.

Chloe was still young when I got sick. Because of me, she'd never had a proper birthday growing up.

Every birthday, I would have an episode, then be rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. Mom and Dad had no time to spare for her.

Come to think of it, this might be the first time Chloe had ever seen a cake.

Mom turned her head to wipe away a tear, then cut Chloe a large slice of cake.

"Eat more if you like it, Chloe."

But Chloe took the cake and ran straight to the bathroom.

She raised her hand and gently knocked on the door, whispering,

"Come out and eat cake, Lily! I remember you love sweets the most!"

I wrapped my arms around her small body, wanting to tell her.

I'm sorry, Chloe. I can't eat cake anymore.

It's my fault. I've brought bad luck to your birthday.

But my hand passed right through her body, unable to touch anything.

Chloe didn't get a response for a long time. She walked back dejectedly.

"Mom, is Lily mad? She won't talk to me."

Mom hugged her, a hint of anger in her voice.

"Don't mind her. She just loves to act up and pretend. Haven't we always saved her from suicide attempts? This time must be fake too."

"Today is your birthday, don't worry about her."

As Mom spoke, she caught sight of the food Chloe had saved for me on the table. It was food Chloe had specifically asked Mom to make extra for me.

Her temper flared up again. She swept the plate of food into the trash can with a clang, and the plate shattered on the floor.

"If she doesn't eat, she doesn't eat! Don't let her act like everyone owes her something every day. Haven't we sacrificed enough already?"

I wanted to shout at her, Mom, I wasn't pretending!

I was in so much pain and misery every day, with two voices constantly fighting in my head! I only lived this long for you!

I know you sacrificed a lot, that's why I died, so you wouldn't have to sacrifice anymore!

Chloe looked anxious and flustered, contradicting Mom.

"Mom, don't talk about Lily like that! She's just sick! She's always so nice to me."

Dad patted Chloe's back and told her,

"Chloe, your sister can be quite selfish sometimes."

"She's always thinking about how miserable she is, never caring about what the rest of the family thinks."

"Mom and Dad work so hard to earn money, but Lily just stays immersed in her own world all day."

"Mom and Dad are so tired they can barely straighten their backs, but she just keeps trying to kill herself."

He seemed to have forgotten that I was just a ten-year-old child.

Floating in the air, I looked incredulously at Dad, the dad who used to dote on me the most.

When I was seven, Mom and Dad left me to play at a neighbor's house, but the neighbor's elderly relative did something terrible to me.

During those most painful days, my body activated a protective mechanism.

Whenever I thought about that day, my consciousness would blur, and One would emerge to re-experience those scenes over and over again.

Since then, I developed Dissociative Identity Disorder, and One's constant desire to die stemmed from that very reason.

Dad had knelt beside me back then, crying and saying he was sorry, promising to take care of me for life.

Dad, didn't you say you'd love me forever?

Even though I was now a spirit, my heart still ached.

Their guilt and love had been worn away by daily exhaustion, leaving only impatience and resentment.

I became the sinner who burdened the whole family. I kept Mom and Dad tied down to me every day.

My pain, in their eyes, had become an act, a show.

Even my death became a means to gain sympathy.

Mom angrily pushed Dad, her voice filled with a mix of anger and pain.

"What are you saying? Lily might be a bit delicate, but she's a poor child too."

As she spoke, Mom's eyes reddened.

"She was only seven back then, and that old pervert... My heart aches, I wanted to tear that bastard apart."

"Later, Lily kept trying to die. I knew she was hurting inside. But today is Chloe's birthday, we can't let her act out."

Mom wiped away her tears and lovingly stroked Chloe's head.

"Chloe, you didn't make a wish when you went to give Lily the cake. Make one now."

Chloe's childlike face lit up with joy. She closed her eyes and made a sincere wish.

"Chloe wants to be with Mom, Dad, and Lily forever."

This sentence pierced Mom's heart like a needle.

Mom suddenly covered her mouth and rushed into the bedroom. I faintly heard her muffled sobs.

In those sobs, there was guilt, heartache, and an indescribable helplessness.

Dad's eyes also reddened. He silently put a crown on Chloe's head and stroked her hair.

"Dad promises you, our family will always be together."

I hugged Dad and Chloe, thinking silently to myself.

I'm sorry, Chloe, your wish can never come true.

But without me, you, Mom, and Dad will be happier.

No more worrying about medical bills, no more living in fear, no more living such a tired life.

After tucking Chloe into bed, Dad gently called my name from the bathroom door.

"Lily, please come out. It's cold in there. Come out and Dad will make you dinner."

"Don't you love Dad's steak the most? Dad will make you a big plate, just for you."

But the only answer was dead silence.

Dad, I'm okay. Lily can't feel the cold anymore.

I can't eat your steak either.

Seeing that I didn't make a sound, Dad went back to the bedroom and quietly asked Mom.

"Why did you lock Lily in the bathroom for so long?"

"Her mental state is unstable. Maybe we should go check on her?"

Mom was silent for a moment, then shook her head.

"I didn't even lock the door. She can come out whenever she wants."

"There's only an eyebrow razor in the bathroom. How much force would she need to cut her wrist? She's just a kid, she wouldn't do it."

"Lily is sick, but we've also spoiled her a bit too much. Let her think about it herself."

I stomped my feet in frustration, wanting so badly to tell Mom that I really did cut my wrist with that eyebrow razor.

And I wasn't spoiled, One did it! I was Mom's good child!

Dad finally sighed, no longer insisting. He started discussing the month's expenses with Mom.

This month, my therapy with a private specialist cost almost ten thousand, and Grandma's medical bills at the hospital were astronomical.

Mom covered her face, her sobs escaping her throat in low bursts.

"Honey, when will this life end?"

"Lily still can't go to school normally. We'll have to support her for life. I'm afraid we won't be able to bear it."

Dad patted Mom's hand and pulled her into a hug, comforting her.

"Since we brought her into this world, we have to be responsible. No matter what, Lily is our child. We didn't protect her well, so supporting her for life is fine."

"After I finish my shifts at the construction site, I'll drive for Uber to earn more money. We have to cure Lily, and things will slowly get better."

I looked at Dad's graying temples and Mom's tears, and suddenly felt that I shouldn't have died.

Mom and Dad had already included my life in their future.

They had planned to support me for life.

Mom and Dad loved me, after all.

I reached out to wipe away Mom's tears, but my hand passed through her.

Mom, don't cry. Lily left quietly on her own. You won't have to worry about me anymore.

That night, Dad stayed up half the night in the living room, constantly glancing towards the bathroom, hoping I would come out.

Mom tossed and turned in bed, unable to sleep all night. By dawn, the dark circles under her eyes were even heavier.

I floated beside them, watching over them all night, my heart a mix of sorrow and bitterness, filled with unspeakable guilt.

As dawn just broke, a faint clatter of dishes and forks came from the kitchen.

Mom, with bloodshot eyes, stood in front of the stove, making breakfast.

It was my favorite bacon and eggs. When I was little and sick, Mom always made this to cheer me up.

But since I got sick, Mom hadn't made it for me in a long time.

She made it with extra care.

Two strips of bacon, one egg.

Just the way I'd mentioned wanting it so many times.

It smelled so good. I wished I could eat Mom's cooking, but I never would again.

Carrying a plate of bacon and eggs to the bathroom door, Mom's voice was hoarse, tinged with compromise.

"Lily, stop acting up."

"Mom made you bacon and eggs, it's hot. Come out and eat before you take your medicine."

"Yesterday, Mom was wrong. I shouldn't have hit you, shouldn't have said harsh words."

"Chloe is waiting to play with you. Come out, let's be good."

Inside the door, there was dead silence, not even a breath.

Mom's patience ran out. Her brows furrowed, and her tone hardened.

"Lily, don't be ungrateful!"

"Do you think pretending to be dead will get you sympathy? Haven't we suffered enough for you?"

"Come out now, or I'll dump this food out and starve you for a day!"

She waited for a moment, only the faint sound of wind through the door crack.

"This child is really disobedient. After making her food, I still have to take Chloe to kindergarten and go to the hospital to take care of Grandma."

Mom muttered to herself. Just as she was about to turn around, a dull thud came from the living room.

Immediately followed by Dad's muffled groan: "Sarah... my chest... hurts..."

Mom's face changed drastically. She dropped the plate with a clatter at the door and rushed out.

I floated over to see Dad clutching his chest, squatting on the floor. His face was pale, and his forehead was covered in cold sweat.

I was frantic, but I couldn't help at all.

"David! What's wrong!" Mom's voice trembled with panic as she rushed to help him.

Dad swayed, almost falling. His fingers dug desperately into his chest.

"Pain... can't breathe..."

Mom screamed for Chloe like crazy.

"Chloe, quickly call the neighbors! Call 911! Hurry!"

Chloe, terrified, cried and stumbled out to knock on the neighbors' door.

The neighbors quickly arrived, helping Dad and frantically dialing 911.

Mom stayed by Dad's side, tears streaming down her face, but she forced herself to remain calm.

She pulled out her phone, wanting to call a contact at the hospital first, but her hand was shaking too much to dial accurately.

She kept muttering, "Don't let anything happen, please don't let anything happen. We still have to raise Lily and Chloe, you can't be gone..."

Within minutes, the ambulance sirens wailed closer.

Paramedics rushed in with a stretcher, quickly checking Dad's blood pressure and attaching electrodes.

"Preliminary diagnosis is acute arrhythmia, caused by long-term overwork. He needs to be taken to the hospital immediately!"

Hearing that, my heart felt like it was being tightly squeezed by a hand.

It's all my fault! If it weren't for earning money for my treatment, Dad wouldn't be working two jobs every day, he wouldn't be sick.

Even in death, I'm still causing them trouble. I'm such a useless child!

The paramedics quickly loaded Dad onto the stretcher and pushed him out.

Mom stumbled, wanting to follow, but then looked back towards the bathroom.

She paused, her mind a mix of urgency and confusion.

On one side was her critically ill husband, on the other, her sulking daughter.

She gritted her teeth, asked the neighbors to help look after Dad, and turned to run back home.

She still couldn't stop worrying about me, afraid I was hungry, afraid something really happened. Even though she was angry with me just moments ago, what she worried about most was still me.

When she got home, it was already bright.

Chloe was squatting by the bathroom door. Seeing Mom return, she immediately rushed over.

Her small hands tightly clutched Mom's clothes, her voice choked with tears.

"Mom, Lily fell asleep in the bathtub."

"I called her so many times, but she won't wake up, no matter how much I call."

"She listens to you the most, Mom. Please make her wake up and eat birthday cake with me."