732 Letters, None for Me

My best friend and James Sterling had been sworn enemies for twenty years, constantly bickering whenever they met. He was a special forces captain; she was the accompanying medic. The only thing they agreed on was to obey my every word. Everyone would laugh, calling them my left and right-hand protectors.

Until five months into my pregnancy, when I was tidying up Jamess old belongings in our military housing, I found a heavy iron box. Opening it, I discovered all the letters hed written before dangerous missions C his last wills. I picked up the topmost one, the ink still fresh, my fingertips trembling with tenderness. But the moment I unfolded the letter, I felt a chilling dread. The opening address wasnt me.

To my dearest Kate,

My breath caught. My gaze frantically dropped, fixing on the last paragraph: If I fall, all my assets go to you. As for Norma, please take care of her. If she asks tell her I never loved her. Dont let her hate you; Ill carry all the guilt alone.

My hands shaking, I frantically opened every single letter. Seven hundred and thirty-two of them. Every single one began with Kate and ended with Kate. And Kate was none other than my best friend.

I knelt amidst the scattered letters. My fingertips trembled so much I couldnt hold a thin piece of paper. Tears streamed uncontrollably, blurring the words on the pages.

Kate, eat an extra bowl of the rice balls with fermented rice wine from that place on the west side of town for me tonight, the one you love.

Kate, Im sorry to make you sad again.

Kate, after Im gone, please scatter my ashes beneath that old locust tree, so I can always watch over you.

The old locust tree. Our old locust tree.

When I was eight, the devastating news of my parents sacrifice arrived. I curled up in the corner of the mourning hall, crying until no sound came out. James and Kate, one on each side, stubbornly held my hands, leading me away from the somber room. We ran to the old locust tree in the backyard, which had stood for countless years.

Kates face was still tear-streaked, but she raised three fingers, pointing at the tree trunk, her voice choked yet incredibly clear: Grandpa Locust, I swear to you, from now on, I will protect Norma for her mom and dad, for my entire life! No one is allowed to hurt her!

James immediately mimicked her, raising his fingers, his small face stern and determined. His voice was even louder than hers: And me! Ill protect Norma for my entire life too! Even longer than you!

Later, they did. My world, because of their presence, was safe and bright.

The child in my womb seemed to sense my intense emotional turmoil, kicking restlessly. I instinctively clutched my belly, but my fingertips brushed against the letters scattered on the floor. My vision blurred again. I futilely tried to stuff the letters back into the box. But my hands wouldn't obey, just fumbling wildly. Every letter felt like a scorching coal, burning, making my insides seize up.

I dont know how long passed, but I finally collapsed against the wall, drenched in cold sweat. From outside the door, I heard approaching footsteps and familiar bickering. Kates voice was crisp, tinged with her usual disdain for James: James Sterling, slow down! So clumsy, youve spilled the fermented rice wine soup! Buying two portions isnt enough, you had to clear out their whole pot, showing off how much you can eat, huh?

Jamess voice was deep, equally tinged with his usual impatience: What do you know? Normas pregnant now, her appetite is unpredictable. Whats wrong with buying more? What if she wanted to eat it?

The door opened. Kate peeked in first, saw me on the floor, and rushed over, helping me up. Why are you sitting on the floor? Pregnant women shouldnt get cold, hurry and get up! James quickly put down the rice balls he was holding and ran over, checking my forehead with one hand and supporting me with the other. Whats wrong? Are you feeling unwell?

I let them both help me up. Kate was the first to notice my swollen, red eyes, asking anxiously, Why are your eyes so red? Did James bully you?! Tell me, Ill punch him for you! James looked at her exasperatedly, Kate, dont talk nonsense. I adore my wife; how could I possibly bully her! He then turned back to me, gently cupping my face, his eyes full of concern. Sweetheart, whats wrong? Who hurt you? Or is your stomach upset? Ill take you to the hospital right away.

The concern in their eyes was utterly genuine. Kate even had tears welling in hers. But as Jamess hand brushed my cheek, asking me softly, I clearly saw a fleeting look of disappointment and suppressed longing in Kates eyes.

Before, I had never noticed. Now, it was so obvious.

The cold words from the letters crashed into my mind again.

Kate, tomorrow Im going to propose to Norma.

I know this is selfish, and incredibly unfair to you. But Norma she needs me more. Shes too lonely.

And you, Kate, you will always be the one I love most, my best comrade, the one I can always trust my back to.

If theres a next life, I promise Ill marry you.

At the end of the letter, there was a dark, irregular stain. Like a dried water mark. It must have been a tear.

I once believed that marrying James was the greatest fortune of my life. I once believed that his kindness to me was truly because he loved me. Never did I imagine that all of it was merely his compassionate charity. How benevolent, and how cruel.

A strong, metallic taste rose in my throat, which I desperately suppressed. I suddenly bent over, dry heaving violently. Nothing came up, only cold, acidic bile burning my esophagus. The child in my belly seemed startled, moving more fiercely. A tearing, dull pain erupted from my lower abdomen, quickly sweeping through my entire body.

Norma!

Sweetheart!

Chaos, jostling. Jamess arms around me were stiff as iron. Kates tearful voice was distant, then close. A warm dampness spread beneath me.

The cold corridor of the military hospital, the harsh white lights flashing across my vision.

I dont know how long passed before the doctor removed his gloves. Im sorry, the fetal heartbeat has stopped. Sudden, severe intrauterine distress, leading to violent contractions we couldnt save the baby.

The baby. Gone. Five simple words, yet they drained every last bit of strength and warmth from my body. I heard Kates and Jamess fractured voices by my ears. Sweetheart, its alright well have a second, a third child later. Yes, Norma, dont be scared. Once you recover, there will be more. They sounded so distressed, so sincere.

I just lay there, eyes open, my mind replaying not the words on the letters, but much older images.

In my senior year of high school, when I vaguely realized my feelings for James had surpassed mere friendship, I confided everything to Kate without reservation. Kate was stunned for a moment, then she looked at me with disdain: Norma, how could you like him? Hes completely unworthy of you.

After that, Kate disliked James even more, almost falling into a cold war with him. On the day James and I officially became a couple, Kate and James had a huge fight. She cried until her eyes were red, but wouldnt say a word about why.

Later, James went to military academy, and Kate went to medical school. Both eventually joined the armed forces, and Kate became the accompanying medic for his team. Because my body couldnt adapt to the military environment, Kate held my hand and said, Norma, dont worry, Ill keep a close eye on James for you.

Later, James proposed to me, and Kate cried uncontrollably at our wedding. She clutched Jamess collar, her voice choked yet fierce: James Sterling, if you ever dare to treat Norma badly, Ill be the first to come after you. James, uncharacteristically, didnt talk back. He just looked at her trembling lips, his eyes red, and softly replied, Alright.

From then on, Jamess attitude towards her subtly shifted. When Kate criticized him, most of the time he just listened. Sometimes he would even indulge her, saying, Youre absolutely right.

The day I found out I was pregnant, Kate cried again. That night, she drank a lot, crying and drinking. She said, Norma, Im so happy for you, youre going to be a mother

I probably wont ever get married. Your child will be my child.

Norma I really envy you

She was incoherent, but I just assumed she was drunk. Later, James walked her home. He was gone for a long time. When he returned, his eyes were a bit red, and his lip was cut. He said it was too dark downstairs, and he accidentally ran into a wall.

Kate was never one to cry easily. Yet, whenever it involved James and me, her tears seemed to flow effortlessly. Once, I asked her, Kate, all these years, have you truly never liked anyone? She suddenly looked up, quickly glanced at James, and smiled, saying, Of course. Ive recently taken a liking to a younger guy. Ill introduce him to you later.

As Kate said this, the glass in Jamess hand fell and shattered. And that younger guy, I never saw him.

So, everything had been there for me to see. I just never did, or rather, I never wanted to.

Now, they knelt before my bed, crying their hearts out. I looked at their two tear-streaked faces, contorted with pain. Suddenly, even breathing felt cold. Finally, I simply closed my eyes and said softly, Im tired.

Late at night, James and Kate left the hospital room. I opened my eyes, got out of bed, and followed them.

At the end of the corridor, James drew Kate into his arms, comforting her softly. Its alright, dont be too sad. His hand gently patted Kates back, a familiar and tender gesture. Kates face was buried in his shoulder, her shoulders subtly shaking. But the baby Her voice was broken. Norma she loved this baby so much

If I hadnt insisted on you accompanying me to watch the sunrise in Westview today, or going to the movies, or buying those rice balls

Its not your fault, this was an accident. No one wanted this. James interrupted her, his jaw brushing against the top of her head. This intimate gesture made my stomach churn again.

Early this morning, James had said he had a small mission, and Kate needed to accompany him. His tone was normal; he even tucked me into bed thoughtfully, telling me to get more rest. Id seen the red veins in his eyes and just assumed he was tired, even feeling concerned for his safety. How could I have suspected? They were my husband and my most trusted friend. One protected the country, the other saved lives. All my trust, at this moment, seemed so laughable.

Kate looked up, her tear stains glistening in the dim light. James, I suddenly feel so guilty towards Norma. Shes your wife. James looked at her, the emotions in his eyes so thick they almost spilled over. It was pain, tenderness, struggle. It was a gaze of complete devotion, a mix of all complex emotions, directed solely at one person. That look had never rested on me with such intensity.

Kate, dont overthink it, his voice was hoarse. Im the one who wronged you.

As for Norma Ill take good care of her. A deeper pain and self-reproach flickered in Kates eyes. She opened her mouth, then once again buried her face deeply in his embrace.

And I stood in the shadows. Watching my husband and my best friend. In the dead of night, just after I lost my child, they were licking each others wounds.

The most painful thing, it turned out, wasn't their deception. It was this unspoken, deeply ingrained connection and sorrow between them. That shared, secret world that completely shut me out.

I didnt disturb them. I just slowly, step by step, retreated back to my room.

The next day, Kates eyes were still swollen, but she had already put on a disdainful expression, criticizing Jamess porridge for being too hot and the side dishes too salty. James, frowning, occasionally retorted. But neither of them mentioned the baby.

If it were before, seeing them like this, I would have felt reassured, felt happy. But now, I leaned against the headboard, watching quietly. Every deliberately averted glance. Every unnatural pause. Every raised voice to mask their guilt in an argument. Each was like a fine needle, pricking my heart.

I started to become silent. All day, I either stared blankly out the window or closed my eyes, pretending to sleep. Talking required effort. Dealing with things required energy. And all my effort and energy had vanished with that little life I never met.