Quit Fishing for Men, the Elites Freaked Out

At the college reunion, my mouth ran away from me, and I accidentally let it slip that I was simultaneously dating three premium-grade boyfriends online.

One runs a top-tier law firm, one is a researcher at the National Science Institute, and the last is a tech mogul from the Forbes list.

My frenemy, Jessica, stopped mid-chew on a pork rib, her eyes narrowing with mock sympathy. "I really feel for your future husband," she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Passing over so many good girls just to marry someone else's second-hand rose."

I took a slow sip of my juice. "Actually, I'm in a bit of a bind," I replied casually. "All three are great catches, and I can't decide who to cut loose. How about this, Jess? You see one you like, I'll let you have him."

The words had barely left my lips when Jessica's jaw dropped, her chopsticks clattering to the floor forgotten.

"Are you are you serious?"

1.

As Jessica stared at me in stunned silence, a series of glowing text boxes suddenly appeared in the air, visible only to her.

[WTF, has the side character lost her mind? She's actually giving away three titans to our precious main character!]

[Jessie, don't hesitate! This is a jackpot from the heavens! Snag any one of them and you're set for life. The side character has no idea what she's giving up!]

Seeing the comments, Jessica's eyes lit up. The temptation was obvious, but she was still wary. "Let's get this straight," she said, her gaze fixed on me. "Once you give them to me, they're mine. You can't take them back!"

"Of course not." I nodded, my smile as innocent as a lamb's. "You're my best friend. We share our blessings, right?"

"Don't worry," I added reassuringly. "Aside from the tech mogul, who I've met once, the other two have never even seen my face. As long as you stick to the persona, you'll be fine. The only question is, which one do you want?"

[The ultimate choice! The legal god, the genius scientist, or the billionaire CEO? How can anyone choose?!]

[You have to get them all! With your main character halo, you can conquer all three!]

Jessica licked her lips, her eyes gleaming with greed. "Forget picking and choosing. Your three boyfriends I want them all. Besides, Sophie, you're a great catch. You won't have any trouble finding other men."

Her answer didn't surprise me in the slightest. I simply smiled and held out my hand. "Sure thing. The transfer fee is a million dollars each. Cash or card?"

Jessica recoiled, her face turning a blotchy red and white. "I thought you said we were best friends! Why are you charging me?"

"Even real sisters have to keep their accounts straight," I said, pouting theatrically. "It takes time and energy to screen candidates and cultivate relationships, you know."

I feigned a hurt expression. "If you think I'm asking for too much, we can just forget the whole thing. I wouldn't want money to ruin our friendship."

"No, wait! But this is a million dollars! Where am I supposed to get that kind of money?"

Before Jessica could argue further, the pop-up comments started chiming in again.

[Jessie, don't be a fool! It's only a million! Just sell your parents' house, you'll have it! If you miss out on these billionaire boyfriends, you'll regret it for the rest of your life!]

[The side character really is just a pretty face and nothing else. She thinks she's making a killing, but any one of these guys could drop more than that between their couch cushions. She'll be the one crying later!]

[Can't wait to see our girl conquer all three titans and come back to rub it in this idiot's face!]

A giddy smile spread across Jessica's face as she read the comments, clearly picturing that triumphant scene.

"Fine! A million it is!" she declared. "I'll go home and get the money. You better hold them for me. Don't you dare transfer them to anyone else!"

She paused, her expression turning stern. "And you better behave yourself. No last-minute flings with my future husbands. I don't want your sloppy seconds!"

I burst out laughing and gave her a solemn nod. "Don't worry. They're all virgins. Squeaky clean."

2.

Tempted by the dual allure of men and money, it only took Jessica three days to scrape together the million dollars.

Once the payment was confirmed, I was more than happy to show her the social media profiles of all three boyfriends and asked which one she wanted to unlock first.

After careful consideration, Jessica chose the young scientist, Dr. Alistair Finch. "This one," she said. "He looks the kindest, like a sweet, gentle boy-next-door type. Should be easy to handle."

I smiled without comment and launched into my briefing. "Alistair Finch, 27. Holds doctorates from four of the world's top universities. Currently a lead researcher at the National Science Institute, with high-level government clearance and a national stipend."

"We met on a forum for rare plant enthusiasts. Horticulture is his only hobby outside of research, and it's your primary angle of attack. I can barely keep a cactus alive, so I had to put in a lot of work. I'll send you my entire research file. You need to memorize it. Key sections must be recited verbatim."

Under Jessica's astonished gaze, I forwarded her a 200-gigabyte file of botanical knowledge.

"He's meticulous in his academic life and values efficiency above all else. In his personal life, he's snarky, introverted, and has a severe allergy to stupidity, though he's not aware of it. My persona with him was the 'proud but cute girl who never backs down.' Playing dumb can be charming, but you have to know where the line is. Oh, and he's deathly allergic to cats."

After handing over all of Alistair's information and contact details, I gave her a detailed rundown of our daily interactions, our pet names, and important inside jokes. Then, I offered her a warm, encouraging smile.

"That's about it. Good luck. You've got this."

[Gotta admit, the side character really puts in the work when it comes to seducing men. 200 gigs of data? It would take over a month just to read through it all once!]

[She only has to try that hard because she's just a side character. She doesn't have the main character's halo, so she has to rely on rote memorization to score points. Our Jessie is the chosen one! Even if she knows nothing, the male lead will fall head over heels for her!]

Jessica's face, which had been scrunched in misery as she looked at the files, immediately brightened when she saw the comments. Right in front of me, she lifted her phone and deleted the 200-gigabyte file.

"Sophie, your clumsy methods might work for you, but they're not for me," she declared smugly. "Just you wait. A woman with my kind of charm could talk about SpongeBob SquarePants and have Alistair completely captivated."

I wasn't the least bit angry. In fact, my smile grew wider. "Well, I wish you the best of luck. Just a friendly reminder: the transfer is complete. No refunds or exchanges, regardless of the outcome."

Jessica scoffed. "Of course not. I'm more worried you'll be the one trying to back out!"

With that, she logged into my burner account and threw herself into chatting with Alistair.

A week later, at another get-together, the first thing Jessica did was show off the necklace around her neck.

"Isn't it beautiful? It's the latest from Van Cleef & Arpels' botanical collection. A diamond necklace worth over eight hundred thousand dollars! I saw it in an article, mentioned it to Alistair, and he bought it for me just like that!"

As she boasted, she shot a look at me, where I sat engrossed in a book, and deliberately raised her voice. "By the way, Sophie, you were with Alistair for so long. What did he ever buy for you?"

3.

I thought about it for a moment. "Hmm a bookmark he made from a pressed leaf, a botany book he authored that retails for $28.80, and a rose-shaped brooch he carved himself."

"That's it?" Jessica's grin nearly split her face. "That doesn't even cover a fraction of what my diamond costs. You're such a failure. All that time studying those useless books for nothing!"

I just smiled and said nothing.

Unsatisfied with my calm reaction, Jessica leaned in closer to continue her victory lap. "You memorized all that trivia, and he was still so snarky and condescending to you. But me? I've never once engaged with his boring science talk. I steer the conversation to celebrity gossip, and he eats it up! He even called me lively and cute!"

"Who says science guys aren't romantic? The difference between being loved and not loved is just that obvious!" She smirked, her eyes filled with pity. "Oops, there I go again, speaking my mind. Sophie, I hope what I said doesn't make you too sad."

I wasn't sad at all. Alistair might have been the fish I'd had on the line the longest, but he was also the one I cared about the least.

Our story began on that plant forum. I had simply posted a picture of the dying spider plant on my balcony, asking for advice. Then, Alistair, using a default username of random numbers, appeared and, just from the angle of the light, deduced the exact latitude and longitude of my dorm and provided a fool-proof guide to reviving it.

I asked for his contact info to buy him a coffee as thanks, but he was initially cold. "Sorry, my time is valuable. I can't waste it on meaningless things."

I scoffed at his message. Then, I casually snapped another photo of the plant on the floor, making sure the reflection in the glass behind it captured the subtle, alluring silhouette of my figure. I hit send. "But Professor, what if I have more plant questions for you in the future?~"

Three seconds later, he accepted my friend request.

His profile was a ghost town. No posts, a default avatarit was utterly devoid of life. But a single "like" he'd left on a short video three months prior gave him away. In the video's comment section, his simple remark, "Not bad," had garnered tens of thousands of likes and a flood of frantic replies.

"OMG, it's the god Alistair himself!"

"First-row seat to greatness!"

"If Dr. Finch would look at my project, I'd eat instant noodles without the flavor packet for ten years!"

A quick search was all it took. Alistair's identity, along with a string of brilliant achievements, lit up my screen like a supernova.

From that day on, I channeled my high-school-senior energy into devouring a dozen botany textbooks, cramming my brain with obscure facts. Then, during our chats, I would "casually" drop my knowledge of niche topics. That, and a steady stream of artfully suggestive, no-face photos.

Six months later, this snarky, introverted genius finally dropped his cold facade and started making his move. I found it amusing and played innocent. "But what if I'm really ugly? The kind of ugly that makes you want to puke?"

I expected some sleazy line like, "It's all the same with the lights off." Instead, he typed back instantly. "I've cultivated many flowers in my life, but you're the first rose I've ever tried to grow without soil. No matter what you look like, you are precious, unique, and irreplaceable to me."