You Took My Room So I Built My Own World

You dont deserve this room.

Bethany stood in the doorway, my backpack clutched in her hand.

I was eight years old, home from school, only to find the lock on my bedroom door had been changed.

This room is for Troy now. She tossed the backpack at my feet. Youll be living at your grandmothers house.

I looked at Dad.

He was staring at his shoes, refusing to meet my eyes.

Dad

Just listen to your mother.

That night, dragging my suitcase, I stood on Grandma Ruths front stoop.

When she opened the door and saw me, she froze for three seconds, then pulled me into her arms and just cried.

1.

In 2003, I was eight.

That summer, my father got remarried.

His new wife, Bethany, brought her six-year-old son, Troy, into our house.

On the wedding day, Bethany wore a cream-colored dress, and her smile was so sweet it felt sticky. She patted my head and said, Were a family now, Callie. Call me Mom.

I did what I was told.

Mom.

She smiled in response, then immediately turned to hug Troy.

I thought this was the start of a new life.

My birth mother died young. I was only two when she was gone. Grandma Ruth always said Moms health had failed after giving birth to me, and she never recovered.

For years, Grandma helped raise me, because Dad worked constantly and couldnt manage it all.

Now that we had a mother in the house, I thought things would finally be different.

They certainly were.

On the third day after the wedding, Bethany replaced the family portrait in the living room.

The new photo showed Dad, her, and Troy.

I wasnt in it.

I asked Dad, Why am I not in the picture?

He said, Well add you next time we take one.

When was next time?

I didnt know.

But I knew the things in our house started to change, little by little.

Troys toys multiplied, spilling out of every corner of the living room.

My own toys were packed away into the storage closet. They take up too much space, Bethany declared.

Every day, Bethany cooked Troy whatever he wantedmac and cheese, crispy chicken tenders, hot dogs.

And me?

Youre not a picky eater, Callie. You can eat anything.

Back then, I didn't understand what favoritism was.

I just wondered why Troy got two chicken fingers, and I only got one.

Why Troy could stay up late watching cartoons, but I had to be in bed by eight.

Why Troy could mess up and Bethany would just say, Oh, hes just a little boy, he doesnt know any better, but when I broke a water glass, I had to stand in the corner for two hours.

I asked Dad about it.

His answer was always the same: Youre older, honey. You need to be more sensible.

Older?

I was only eight.

That fall, things escalated.

Troy was starting elementary school.

Bethany decided Troy needed a quiet environment to study.

My room faced south. It was bright, and it was quiet.

Troys room faced north, right over the street. It was too noisy.

Troy is moving into your room. You can take the north one.

I didnt want to.

It was the room Id lived in my whole life. My mothers last photo was still taped to the wall there.

No, I said. Its my room.

Bethanys face hardened immediately.

Im talking to you, young lady. Watch your tone.

I looked at Dad.

He just repeated the mantra: Listen to your mother.

That night, I was forced to move into the small room facing north.

Eighty square feet. A bed, a small desk, and a window that was brokenit wouldnt shut properly, letting the winter draft whistle in.

I carefully re-taped Moms photo to the wall of my new room.

It was the only stand I took.

But it wasnt over.

A month later, Bethany found a new reason.

There are only three bedrooms in this house. Your father and I have the master, Troy has the south room wherever you are, it feels crowded.

She paused, then put on a saccharine, Im-doing-this-for-you expression.

I think youd be better off staying with your grandmother. Ruth is all alone; it would be so good for her to have company.

I just stared.

What are you saying?

Im saying you should go live at your grandmothers. Bethany sounded completely justified. Its not like you cant visit. You can always come back for the holidays.

I looked at Dad.

He was sitting on the sofa, staring at the TV, silent.

Dad, say something.

His Adam's apple bobbed.

Listen to your mother.

I lay awake that night, listening to the wind rattle the faulty window, and didn't sleep a wink.

The next day, when I came home from school, the lock on my old door was changed.

The key was in Bethanys hand.

Ive packed all your things. She pushed a suitcase toward me. Your grandmother is coming to pick you up today.

I looked at the suitcase. A pink, 20-inch carry-on. It had belonged to my mother.

It held all my clothes and schoolbooks.

I looked at Dad.

He was standing in the kitchen, holding his mug, still not looking at me.

Dad.

He didn't answer.

Dad, are you getting rid of me?

He finally looked up, meeting my eyes for one fleeting second.

In that glance, there was guilt, helplessness, but mostly, avoidance.

Your grandmother will take good care of you, he said. Ill send you money every month for expenses.

I didn't cry.

Eight-year-old me stood in the middle of the living room, looking at the house Id lived in for eight years, and suddenly felt like a complete stranger.

Bethany leaned against the doorframe, a faint, satisfied smile playing on her lips.

Troy peeked out of my old bedroom, holding my small teddy bear nightlight.

Mom, this lamp is cool!

If you like it, keep it.

My mother had given me that lamp.

I wanted to rush over and snatch it back.

But I didnt.

Because I knew that in this house, I no longer had the right to snatch anything.

Grandma Ruth was waiting outside.

The moment she saw me, her eyes welled up.

My Callie-girl. She knelt down and wrapped me in a tight hug. Time to come home with Nana.

I nodded.

Dragging the pink suitcase, I walked out the door.

Behind me, the lock clicked shut.

That was October 15th, 2003.

I will never forget that day.

Because from that day forward, I no longer had a home.

2.

Grandma Ruth lived in a run-down complex on the south side of town. A two-bedroom apartment, about 600 square feet.

The building was old, the paint was peeling, and the room was quite cold.

But Grandma had cleaned out the biggest bedroom for me.

Callie-girl, this room is all yours now. She held my hand. This is your home from now on.

I stood in the room, looking at the clean bedding, the new desk lamp, and the small potted plant on the desk.

Grandma lived on her own, with a small monthly pensionbarely enough for one.

She had bought all these things just for me.

That night, lying in bed, I finally let myself cry.

Not because of the injustice.

But because of Grandma Ruth.

She was getting old, her health was fragile, and she took three different medications every day.

She was supposed to be enjoying a quiet retirement, but instead, she was now responsible for an eight-year-old.

Nana, Im sorry.

Grandma held me and softly stroked my back.

Silly child, what are you sorry for? Youre my granddaughter. If I dont take care of you, who will?

From then on, I lived with Grandma.

Life was simple.

Grandma walked me to school in the mornings, I ate lunch in the school cafeteria, and in the evenings, she cooked and waited for me to come home.

Grandmas food was the best. Even though it was simple, comfort food, it tasted far better than anything Bethany ever cooked.

At least here, I always got two chicken fingers.

Dad had promised to send money every month.

The first month, he sent $300.

The second month, $200.

The third month, nothing.

Grandma called. Bethany answered.

Ruth, its not that we dont want to send it. But things are tight right now. Troy has tutoring, and there are so many expenses. Just tell Callie to be more frugal.

Grandma was so angry her hands were shaking.

That is your husbands flesh-and-blood daughter!

Is she? And are you the one raising her? Bethanys voice was ice cold. She eats your food and lives in your house. Does it really seem right to ask us for money?

The phone went dead.

Grandma sat on the sofa, silent for a long time.

I came out of my room and saw her wiping away tears.

Nana, its okay. I knelt and took her hand. I dont need their money.

Oh, my sweet child

Im not silly. I looked up, my eyes dry. Nana, Im going to make money one day. Im going to take care of you.

I was eight years old.

Even I didnt quite believe the words.

But I never forgot them.

After that, the allowance from Dad stopped completely.

Occasionally, hed send 0-000 or 0-050, but it was sporadic and unpredictable.

Grandma never asked them again.

Her pension, plus the small amount she earned doing alterations for neighbors, was just enough for the two of us.

I knew how hard Grandma economized.

The clothes she bought for me were new; the ones she wore were ten years old.

She gave me meat; she ate only vegetables.

She couldnt afford to run the old gas heat much, so she slept under two heavy quilts.

I saw it all.

But I was too young to do anything.

The only thing I could do was study.

I knew that a good education was the only way I could give Grandma a good life later.

When the holidays came, Dad would call.

Callie-girl, come home for Christmas dinner.

Home?

Was it still my home?

I didn't want to go.

But Grandma would say, Go, honey. He is still your father.

So I went.

The moment I opened the door, I saw a new chandelier in the living room, a brand-new sofa, and a thick carpet on the floor.

Troy, in a new designer jacket, was glued to a gaming console on the sofa.

Bethany peered out from the kitchen. Youre back? Have a seat, dinner will be ready in a minute.

Her tone was casual, as if I were a distant relative stopping by.

I looked down at my clothes.

It was one of Troys old coats from last winter, which Bethany had given me before the holiday.

Its still practically new. Troy didnt want it anymore, but itll fit you perfectly.

Wearing Troys hand-me-downs, standing in this newly furnished house, I felt utterly out of place.

During dinner, Bethany put the best portion of the slow-cooked roast in front of Troy.

Eat up, Troy. I made extra just for you.

In front of me, there was a plate of steamed vegetables.

Dad reached over and put one small piece of the roast onto my plate. Eat up.

One piece.

Just one.

Troy ate half the platter; I had one piece.

I kept my head down and ate in silence.

After dinner, Dad slipped me a 0-000 bill.

Take this. Get yourself some school supplies.

0-000.

I glanced at the new 60-inch flat-screen TV in the living room. It must have cost thousands.

Then the gaming console in Troys hands.

His new jacket.

His brand-name sneakers.

I took the money.

Because Grandma needed it.

Thank you, Dad.

He patted my head. Keep up the good work in school.

That year, I stayed in that house for only two hours.

I ate, and I left.

Bethany stood by the door, politely saying, Come back soon.

Soon?

When was soon?

I didnt know.

Walking out of the complex, I looked back once.

The living room light was on. Through the window, I could see Troy bouncing on the sofa, while Bethany and Dad were laughing, watching him.

A perfect, happy family of three.

I turned my back and walked into the cold winter night.

That day, for the first time, I clearly understood

I had been abandoned by this family.

Not just staying with Grandma.

Abandoned.

3.

Life went on.

Elementary school, middle school, high school.

I lived with Grandma Ruth the entire time.

She poured all her love into me. All I could do in return was study hard.

My grades were always goodtop ten in my middle school, and I got into the Honors track in high school.

Every time I brought home a report card, Grandmas face would light up.

My Callie-girl is so brilliant!

That was her greatest source of pride.

During the holidays, shed tell the neighbors, My granddaughter has amazing grades. Shes going to college!

A neighbor would sometimes ask, Does her father help her?

Grandmas smile would falter for a second. Then shed say, Of course, he helps... he comes to see her every Christmas.

Every Christmas.

Yes, only at Christmas did I go back to that house once a year.

It was the same routine: a quick dinner, a hundred bucks, and then I left.

Bethanys attitude was always politely distant, treating me like a relative she barely knew.

Troy completely ignored me.

Dads attitude was guilt, but guilt that never translated into action.

I grew used to it.

And I stopped expecting anything.

In my junior year of high school, I needed a computer.

The school started requiring a computer literacy class.

I didn't have one.

Grandma had saved up her pension for years, accumulating maybe a thousand dollars. She wanted to buy me one.

I refused.

Nana, keep that money for yourself. Ill ask Dad.

It was the first time I ever called my father proactively.

The phone rang for a long time before he picked up.

Hello, Callie? Whats going on? Why are you calling?

I took a deep breath. Dad, I need a computer for school. I need about a thousand dollars.

Silence on the other end.

A thousand?

Yes.

Things are really tight right now. Troy is starting high school, and were saving for his tuition and fees

I gripped the phone tightly.

Could you loan it to me? I promise Ill pay you back.

Callie, what kind of talk is that? Loan? Its not like I wont give it to you. Im just short on cash right now

So, when will you not be short on cash?

What is with your attitude? He sounded annoyed. Doesnt your grandmother have her retirement money? Ask her to cover it for now. Ill reimburse you later.

Later?

When was later?

When I was little, he said next time, now he said later.

I had waited ten years for next time.

Never mind. I hung up the phone.

That night, I told Grandma, I dont need the computer. I can use the schools lab.

Grandma didnt say a word, she just looked at me and sighed.

The next day, I came home to find a used desktop computer sitting on the desk.

Grandma had found someone to help her buy it for five hundred dollars.

Its not new, but it works. Grandma wiped the sweat from her brow. Youll have to make do with it.

I looked at the old computer, at Grandmas graying hair, at her increasingly frail figure.

The tears came immediately.

Nana

Dont cry. Grandma wiped my tears. Seeing you graduate and go to college will be worth everything.

The year I took my SATs, I was ranked third in my entire school.

My score was high enough for the state's top university.

The tuition was $6,000 a year. With room and board and living expenses, it would be at least twenty thousand a year.