When I Died to Apologize: Their Tears of Remorse

I have always been my sister Nora's living blood bag. Born to save her fragile life, my arms are a map of needle marks. My parents' apologies and my forced smiles were routine. I believed obedience would someday earn their love.

When I won a city drawing competition, Nora tore off her bandages and screamed, "Why couldn't it have been you?" Mom slapped me, shrieking about my cruelty. Dad carried her out without looking back.

At the hospital, I heard the doctor say Nora needed a full-body transfusion to live three more months. I looked at the veins in my arms. Nora, if I apologize with my life, will that be enough?

I gently pushed open the door to the hospital room, and a water glass flew straight at my face.

My mothers eyes were red with fury as she roared, Who told you to follow us? Get out!

Havent you hurt your sister enough? Do you need her to be dead before youre satisfied?

The glass hit the bridge of my nose, then shattered on the floor. My vision went black for a few seconds as blood streamed from my nostrils. I swiped at it messily with my sleeve.

Im sorry, Nora. I just wanted to see you.

My sisters voice was thick with tears. See me? See how pathetic I am? See how close I am to dying?

Get out! Youre not my sister!

I hate you! I hate you!

She grabbed a pillow and threw it at me, the motion triggering a violent coughing fit.

My fathers voice was a low growl. Thats enough!

He grabbed my arm and dragged me out of the room. He pushed me down onto a plastic chair in the hallway and tilted my chin up. The blood from my nose trickled down my throat, the coppery taste making me gag.

He patted my back. Spit it out.

I shook my head, mumbling, I cant. The blood is for Nora. I cant waste it.

Dad looked at my stubborn face and sighed, his expression a complicated mess of emotions. He got some cotton swabs and antiseptic and began cleaning my nose.

Anne, dont blame your mother. And dont blame your sister.

Nora is only ten, but her bones are like glass. The slightest touch can leave her in agony for a whole night.

Watching her suffer is worse than a knife in your mothers heart. She didnt mean to hit you.

I picked at a hole in my pants. Id tripped and fallen while running to the hospital.

I know, Dad.

Ill be good. I wont make Nora angry.

My fathers hand paused, then he gently ruffled my hair. Just sit here for a while. You can come back in when your sister has calmed down.

I sat there obediently, watching through the small window as my parents held Nora, murmuring gentle words of comfort. I rubbed my eyes, pretending I didn't see.

I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, the door was opening again. Nora was fussing, wanting to go home.

I dont want to stay here! It stinks like disinfectant, it makes me sick!

Mom immediately agreed. Okay, okay, honey. Well go home. Well go home right now.

Dad came out and saw me still sitting there. He paused. Anne. Were leaving.

I scrambled to my feet, but my legs had gone numb from sitting for so long, and I crumpled to my knees.

No one noticed. I picked myself up.

Dad pulled the car around. They gently placed Nora in the back seat, which was padded with a fluffy comforter and soft cushions. It was her special throne, designed to protect her fragile bones.

Mom got into the passenger seat.

Dad looked from me to Mom. Maybe you can hold Anne in your lap?

Mom frowned. Are you crazy?

What if someone sees and takes a picture? Whos going to pay the fine for not having her in a car seat?

I quickly ran to the back of the car, stretching on my tiptoes to reach the trunk release. Its okay! Its okay! I have a spot!

The trunk was filled with Noras medical supplies. I curled myself into a tight ball and squeezed in, giving Dad a placating smile. This is great. Really.

Dad sighed. Well, if you get uncomfortable, you call for me.

From the back seat, Noras impatient voice cut through the air. Can we just go already? I want to go home and lie in my own bed!

The car started.

With every turn, every bump, I was thrown around like a bag of trash. A box of medication slammed into my nose, and the sharp pain brought fresh tears to my eyes.

I hugged myself tightly, whispering to myself, Anne, youre a big girl now. Youre in kindergarten.

You have to be brave. You cant cry.

After what felt like an eternity, the car finally stopped. I waited for a long time, but no one came to open the trunk. I managed to crawl over the supplies and through the back seat to get out.

Mom saw me and shot me a venomous glare. If you get Noras blankets dirty, youll be sorry!

Just then, I remembered something.

I turned and ran as fast as I could back to the house.

I burst through the door. The shimmering gold award certificate was still lying on the floor. I snatched it up, ran to my room, closed my eyes, and tore it to pieces.

Faster and faster, harder and harder, until it was nothing but a pile of confetti that could never be put back together.

The heavy stone in my chest felt a little bit lighter.

I found the prize-winning drawing. It was of the four of us, our family, standing together in the sun. I traced our smiling faces with my finger, but I couldnt bring myself to tear it up. I folded it carefully and hid it under my pillow.

At dinner, Mom placed a platter of braised beef in front of me.

Eat all of it. Not a single bite left.

The platter was huge, bigger than my face. She turned and went into Noras room.

I picked up my chopsticks and stuffed the biggest piece I could find into my mouth. But there was so much, my stomach felt like it was going to explode.

Dad leaned over, whispering, If you cant eat it, dont force yourself. Ill help you with a few pieces.

The moment his chopsticks reached for my plate, Mom came out of the room. David! What are you doing?

She stormed over and slapped my face with her chopsticks.

Half my face went numb. I sucked in a sharp breath, the tears welling in my eyes. I fought them back. Crying would only make her angrier.

Mom stood with her hands on her hips, scolding me. So young and already so deceitful?

You dont want to eat? If you dont eat, where will the blood for your sister come from?

Dad stood up. Why are you hitting her?

Did she say she wasnt going to eat? Look at the size of that plate! Its enough for two grown men!

Tears streamed down Moms face as she screamed, Do you think I want this?

David, I just want my Nora to live! Is that so wrong?

Dad slumped back into his chair, covering his face with his hands.

I watched them fight. I grabbed the remaining beef from the platter and started shoving it into my mouth, not even chewing. The large chunks made me gag, but I forced them down.

Mom, I finished. Please dont fight.

Moms eyes were red. She came over and pulled me into her arms. Her embrace was so warm, so soft. With my cheek pressed against her, the sting on my face seemed to disappear.

Good girl. Anne is a good girl. I know you are.

I nodded fiercely in her arms.

After dinner, I finished drawing my blood as usual and prepared to give the bag to my mother. She was on the phone, but she beckoned me over.

Anne, come here. Its Grandma.

My eyes lit up.

Until I was three, my grandma had raised me. After her health declined and she moved back to her hometown, we hadn't seen each other.

Grandma! I cried, my nose tingling.

Her kind, familiar voice came through the phone. My sweet Anne, how are you? Are you eating well?

I nodded vigorously. Im good! I even won a first-prize award!

The words were out before I could stop them. I regretted them instantly. Beside me, I saw my mother frown.

But Grandma laughed happily. I knew it! Our Anne is the best!

I clutched the receiver. Grandma, I dreamed about you last night. You were feeding me dumplings, and they were so delicious.

Grandmas voice grew thick with emotion. Oh, I miss you too, Anne.

When Im feeling a little stronger, Ill come and visit you.

When the call ended, I had to fight back tears.

That night, I slept better than I had in a long time. In my dream, Grandma really did come. She was carrying a steaming bowl of dumplings, smiling as she called my name.

Anne, come and eat.

The next moment, I was jolted awake by a piercing scream.

I ran barefoot out of my room. Mom was collapsed on the living room floor, her wails tearing through the house.

I ran to her. Mom, whats wrong?

She shoved me away. You have the nerve to ask me whats wrong?

She lunged at me, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me violently.

Why did you tell your grandma you wanted dumplings?

Are we starving you? Is there no food in this house? Tell me!

I was too stunned to understand. I I just missed her

A slap landed hard across my face. You missed her? You missed her so much you killed her!

If you hadn't said you wanted dumplings, she wouldnt have stayed up all night making them for you! She wouldnt have tried to drive here in the middle of the night! She wouldnt have gotten into that car accident!

Youre a curse! A jinx! You took my mother from me!

Why dont you just die? Why wasnt it you who died?

She gave me a final, violent shove. I stumbled backward, the back of my head slamming against the wall. But I couldnt feel the pain. All I could hear were her words, echoing in my head.

Grandmas dead? I killed Grandma?

Dad grabbed my hysterical mother. Calm down! What does this have to do with Anne?

Mom struggled in his arms, her face a mess of tears and snot. It has everything to do with her! Shes the one who killed my mom! Let me go! Get her out of this house, I never want to see her again!

Dad half-carried, half-dragged my mother out the door. Anne, stay here and look after your sister. Well be back.

I slid down the wall until I was sitting on the floor. My face was wet. I reached up and realized I was crying. I didnt even know when the tears had started.

Later, Grandma did come home.

She was in a coffin.

Mom didn't cry anymore. She stood in front of me with a bowl of dumplings and began stuffing them into my mouth without a word.

Her eyes were fixed on me. Why arent you swallowing?

You wanted them, didnt you? Eat!

I chewed mechanically, but before I could swallow one, another was forced in.

Swallow it!

I retched, unable to stop myself.

Mom slapped me. How dare you spit it out? Grandma gave her life for you, and you cant even treasure the dumplings she made?

She grabbed my hair, forcing my head up to look at her.

How could I have given birth to a monster like you?

Her fists and palms rained down on me. I didnt try to dodge, just bit my lip until I tasted blood.

Dad rushed over and pulled her away. Thats enough! Calm down!

She struggled in his arms, wailing, I dont have a mother anymore!

Dads eyes were red, too. He held her, but shot a resentful look over her shoulder at me.

I sat on the floor, my body aching all over. But my heart hurt more. It hurt so much I couldnt breathe.

Grandma is gone.

I killed Grandma.

I covered my mouth, stifling my sobs as a tidal wave of grief washed over me.

Anne.

Nora was standing in her bedroom doorway. I pushed myself up and walked into her room. She closed the door and gently touched my swollen cheek.

Does it hurt?

I nodded. My head felt like it was going to split open.

Nora sighed and gave me a piece of candy. Eat this. Itll help the pain. I always eat candy when my bones hurt.

Dont cry.

Grandma loved you more than anyone. Shed be sad to see you cry.

I sobbed, unable to form a complete sentence. Its all my fault I killed Grandma

Nora cut me off. Its not your fault. Everyone dies. Some just sooner than later.

I sat beside her, crying until I felt like I had no tears left.

Nora spoke again, her voice low. Anne, if I die, will you cry like this for me?

I was startled and shook my head fiercely. No! Nora, youre not going to die!

She looked at me and let out a small, humorless laugh. Silly girl. Dont lie to me. I know Im dying soon.

She paused. Maybe its for the best. When youre dead, theres no more pain.

And Grandma is all alone. It must be lonely for her.

She turned to look at me, her eyes shining. Ill go keep her company. Then you wont have to be sad anymore.

I stared at her, my mind blank. A single thought bloomed in the emptiness:

Im the one who should die. Im the one who should go with Grandma.

If I die, Nora wont have to. Mom and Dad wont be sad anymore. And I can be with Grandma again.

I stared at the veins on my wrist and whispered to myself, Nora, please dont hate me anymore.

I love you. I wont let you die.

That night, Mom entered Noras room with a tray of medicine. Her eyes were still swollen, her voice hoarse. What are you standing there for? Go get ready.

I started to get up.

But Nora stopped me. Dont do it.

Mom and I both froze.

Mom, dont make Anne do it anymore.

Im dying anyway. More blood isnt going to help.

Mom rushed to her bed, wanting to hug her but stopping herself. No! Nora, Mom wont let you die!

Ill beg the doctors! Ill get on my knees and beg them! There has to be a way!

Nora didnt look at her. Her eyes were vacant. Why is God doing this to me?

Mom, did I do something terrible in a past life?

Moms heart broke. No! Its not your fault!

Its my fault! I didnt take good care of you!

God, take me instead! Please, take my life and spare my daughter!

I stood in the doorway, tears trickling into my mouth, salty and bitter. The thought in my mind grew like a wild vine, choking me until I couldnt breathe.

Late that night, I crept out of bed. The spare blood bags and needles were kept in a cabinet in the living room. I squatted down, searching for them carefully.