Spring Never Arrives, Autumn Farewells Are Forever

After buying the video of my husband's latest backseat rendezvous from the paparazzi for the 99th time, I dug out the written apology he wrote in high school.

Hed been caught secretly holding my hand by the dean, and in his apology, Jackson Archer had scrawled in his determined, youthful handwriting:

I know they say we're too young for love, but I believe our love can conquer anything.

Before I'm thirty, I'll give Audrey a home. With a baby, and a cat.

I'm twenty-nine now. Theres no baby, no cat.

But he has given another woman and their fraternal twins a perfect home.

I took a pen and pressed down hard on the yellowed page, adding a single, shaky line. Then, I drove the tip of the scissors into my own neck.

You were wrong. You didn't make her happy. You drove her to her death.

The pain was distant, a dull throb beneath the overwhelming wave of relief as the warmth drained from my body.

Just as my consciousness began to drift, the bathroom door crashed open.

Jackson burst in. His pupils shrank to pinpricks the moment he saw the crimson swirling in the bathtub. He stumbled forward, almost falling, snatching a towel and pressing it desperately against the gushing wound on my neck.

Audrey, are you fucking insane?

I looked at his panicked face and felt a strange urge to laugh. Was he afraid I would die, or was he afraid my messy death would tarnish his pristine reputation?

Dont touch me, Jackson. Let go.

He tried to lift me from the water. I struggled, and the icy, pink-tinged water splashed all over him, soaking his expensive suit and shirt, clinging to his body and leaving him a pathetic, dripping mess.

Trying to kill yourself over something so trivial? When did you become so goddamn dramatic? he snarled through gritted teeth. I just closed my eyes, too tired to argue.

I remembered the time Id begged Sylvie to get an abortion, threatening to slit my wrists if she didn't. He had lied to me, telling me hed sent her abroad after the procedure was done. He lied until she reappeared, two babies in her arms. That was the day Id thrown myself from the balcony.

Again and again, I hurt myself. And with each attempt, Jacksons initial heartache had curdled into cold indifference.

You dont have the guts to actually die, Audrey, hed said once. You just pull these stunts to force my hand. Otherwise, how do you explain being saved every single time?

The car sped toward the hospital, a siren screaming through the night. The doctors were quick.

Soon, I was lying in a private room. Jackson finally lit a cigarette, the smoke curling around his agitated form.

Sylvie was an innocent girl when she came to me. Shes worked tirelessly for the company and for the children these past three years.

I was drunk that night. I wronged her, and the children are innocent in all of this! he said, his voice rising.

He loomed over me, his eyes a mixture of exhaustion and utter bewilderment. The title of Mrs. Archer will always be yours. Why cant you just be a little more gracious?

Is it so hard to accept two children? They're my flesh and blood!

I stared at the man I had once loved with every fiber of my being. He was demanding I be gracious about the children hed had with another woman. My heart didn't ache anymore; it felt like it had been encased in ice, a suffocating coldness spreading through my chest.

Jackson, were getting a divorce tomorrow.

His brow furrowed. How long are you going to keep this up? It was just some stupid video from the paparazzi!

You wont touch me, he spat, so what, Im not allowed to get relief from her either?

A bitter smile twisted my lips. You used to say that if you ever made a mistake, youd let me go without a fight.

His breath caught. A complex emotion flickered in his eyes. Audrey, we were just kids. You cant take childhood promises seriously.

I closed my eyes, exhausted. Then let the past stay in the past.

Youve already given your home to someone else. I dont want it anymore.

Silence hung in the room for a long moment. He reached out, his hand hovering over my hair. Dont say things you dont mean.

I turned my head away. His hand fell, and he slammed the door on his way out, his anger palpable.

Get some rest. The doctor said youre emotionally unstable and need quiet, his voice came, muffled, from the hallway. We can talk about the divorce later. Just don't do anything stupid again.

In his eyes, my hysteria, my breakdowns, were nothing but foolish theatrics. My pain was merely an inconvenience, disturbing the peaceful, double life he was so enjoying.

Just then, something in the corner of my eye caught my attention. It was the old apology note clutched in my hand.

New words, blooming into existence on the blank space of the page!

Who are you? Why are you scribbling all over my apology note!

My heart hammered against my ribs. I stared, transfixed, at the words that had appeared from thin air. My hand trembled as I picked up the pen a nurse had left behind.

Jackson, Im your guardian angel. Im here to protect you. Stay away from Audrey.

I held my breath, my eyes glued to the paper.

A few seconds later, a new sentence appeared, the handwriting youthful and angry:

That's bullshit! Why should I listen to you? I love Audrey, and Im going to be with her! What the hell are you?

It was him. It was really the eighteen-year-old Jackson. The boy who still believed love could conquer all, the boy who had sworn to give me a home.

That boy and the cold, self-possessed man who had just left my room were two entirely different people.

My mother had an affair. My father murdered her and her lover before being sent to prison. Everyone at school called me the bastard daughter of a killer and a whore. Everyone except for the eighteen-year-old Jackson. He held me and told me, over and over, how wonderful I was.

Because Id once said I wanted to see real snow, he secretly saved up his money to buy us bus tickets to go up north.

He was the boy who, while reading his public apology in front of the entire school, lifted his chin in defiance and declared, I did nothing wrong. I love Audrey, and Im going to marry her one day.

We used to huddle together in a tiny walk-up apartment, making wishes over a cheap slice of leftover cake from his part-time job.

Even after he became a ruthless titan of industry, his eyes had still been full of me. Hed let me pick his personal assistants, just to make me feel secure.

Sylvies resume was unremarkable. Her English was colored by a thick, rural accent. But she reminded me of my younger self, with that same relentless drive to succeed. I treated her like a little sister, buying her clothes, teaching her the subtle arts of navigating high society. I even invited her to our home for the holidays.

She would link her arm through mine, a playful smile on her face. Dont you worry, Audrey. Ill keep a close eye on Mr. Archer for you. No other woman will get near him!

And yet, she was the one who betrayed me the deepest.

The hospital room door swung open. Sylvie walked in, dressed in a Chanel suit and carrying a Herms bag. There was no trace of the country girl she once was.

Jackson is swamped at the office. He couldnt get away, so he asked me to check on you, she said, her voice smooth as silk. Audrey, please stop hurting yourself. I know youre upset.

But the title of Mrs. Archer will always be yours. We would never try to take that from you.

I closed my eyes, unwilling to watch her performance. Get out. Dont make me say it again.

Sylvie clearly hadn't expected such a blunt dismissal. Her smile faltered.

Audrey, you have trouble conceiving. You cant hold Jackson back forever. Her voice dropped, turning venomous. Youre a barren wreck, Audrey. Jacksons been sick of you for years!

She clicked her heels on the polished floor and left, her face a mask of displeasure.

Who the hell cared about the title of Mrs. Archer?

What I wanted was the boy whose world revolved around me, the lover who had promised me a home.

And since the man hed become had shattered that promise with his own two hands, I didnt want this love, tainted with betrayal and lies, anymore either.

A cold resolve settled in my heart. My hand was steady as I wrote:

If you don't listen, you will cause Audrey to try and kill herself over and over again until she loses the will to live.

If you truly love her, then stay away from her. Its the only thing you can do for her.

I leaned back against the headboard, drained, and waited for his reply.

Minutes ticked by. Just when I thought he wouldn't respond, new words slowly bled onto the page. The boys handwriting was no longer angry, but hesitant.

You're lying. Audrey is perfect. How could I ever hurt her? I'll spend my whole life taking care of her!

Why should I believe you? You dont have any proof.

My life was the proof, written in blood and tears.

But how could I explain that to the boy from eleven years ago? Should I tell him that after a business dinner, he would get blackout drunk and sleep with his adoring assistant? That she would get pregnant and give birth to his twins?

That the girl he once treasured like a rare jewel would sink into a deep depression, haunted by his daily betrayals, and try to violently claw her way out of this world, again and again?

The truth was too cruel for the eighteen-year-old boy to bear.

After a moments thought, I added one more line:

You have a small birthmark near your tailbone. It's shaped like a tiny star.

Jackson had told me that only he, the orphanage director, and I knew about it.

Are you really my guardian angel?

I smiled a little. The boy was so easy to fool.

If you truly want to save Audrey, you have to be distant. Be cold to her. Let her live a life without you in it.

A long time passed. When the words finally appeared, they were steeped in a reluctant, painful acceptance:

Fine. Ill listen to you, for now. But if I find out youre lying, I swear I wont let you get away with it.

A teenagers threat, fierce but naive.

I let out a breath I hadnt realized I was holding, a real smile touching my lips for the first time in ages.

Please, eighteen-year-old Jackson, I thought. Be cruel. Be heartless. Push away the girl who loves you with her entire being. Push her as far away as you can.

The day I was discharged, Jackson came to pick me up. His gaze darkened when he saw the fresh scar on my neck.

The passenger seat is a little messy. You should sit in the back, he said.

My eyes landed on a pair of torn pantyhose hastily stuffed into the side pocket. My heart clenched tight. But this time, I didn't scream or demand answers. I just silently got into the back seat.

Jackson seemed taken aback by my calmness.

The driver raised the privacy divider.

Jackson cleared his throat, trying to break the heavy silence. Audrey, he began, his voice laced with confusion, how did we end up like this?

Its simple, I said, my voice flat. There was a time when you only had eyes for me. Now, Im just one of your many options, and not even the most important one.

His voice immediately rose in defense. Thats not true! You know youll always be the most important person to me!

A mocking smile played on my lips. Thats an honor I cant afford, Jackson.

His face hardened. Audrey, do you have to be so damn aggressive all the time?

Im doing everything I can to make it up to you! I havent even officially added them to the family records. What more do you want from me?

He always had an excuse. Did that mean my pain was worthless?

A profound weariness washed over me. I didnt even have the strength to argue anymore.

Tomorrow, were going to the courthouse.

He grabbed my shoulders, forcing me to face him. I told you, a divorce is not happening. You will be my wife for the rest of your life!

I looked at his handsome face, now twisted with rage, and he seemed like a complete stranger.

Jackson, the only thing that ever kept me here was my love for you.

I dont love you anymore. So you cant keep me anymore.

His pupils constricted. He slumped back into his seat and, after a long moment, let out a cold laugh. Your mind games are getting more sophisticated, Ill give you that. I underestimated you.

The moment I stepped through the front door, I heard the sound of children laughing, followed by Sylvies gentle cooing. Slow down, you two. Daddy will be home any minute.

The living room carpet was littered with toys. The twins were wrestling playfully while Sylvie, dressed in comfortable loungewear, watched them with a fond smile. The domestic scene was so perfect it stung my eyes.

Hearing us, Sylvie naturally took the jacket from Jacksons shoulders and smiled graciously at me. Audrey, if you need anything at all, just let me know. She sounded every bit the lady of the house.

The little boy ran up and kicked my shin. Bitch! Dont you dare ruin my family!

The girl pouted. Daddy, why did you let the mean lady come back to our house?

Jackson, however, didnt seem to mind their hostility. His face was filled with doting affection. Daddy will always love you two the most.

I was an outsider, watching this happy family of four. I dug my nails into my palms, the sharp pain a desperate anchor to my composure. Ill take the guest room.

Jackson followed me into the room. Are you really going to hold a grudge against the children? I was just placating them.

I laughed, a hollow sound. What do your children have to do with me? Why should I have to consider their feelings?

My words left him speechless, his face turning ashen. Audrey, I dont even recognize you anymore!

I nodded, my voice light and airy. And you have only yourself to thank for that.

I gently placed the old apology note on the nightstand.

Just then, new writing appeared on it.

To my future self: youre a piece of shit!

I can see what youre doing right now! How could you let another woman and her bastard children into our home?

How the fuck could you let Audrey suffer like this? Im going to kill you!

The words were a chaotic scrawl of pure rage. My heart pounded in my chest. And Jackson, standing in the doorway, seemed to sense something.

His eyes, sharp as a hawks, zeroed in on the paper in my hand. His voice was low and dangerous.

Audrey, what is that youre holding?

Jackson snatched the paper from my hand. Stop playing these stupid games, Audrey. I think youre having a psychotic break!

I stared at him, my voice sharp with alarm. Dont you touch that!

The disgust in my eyes seemed to ignite his fury. His gaze turned venomous. This is my house. You are my wife. What is there that I cant touch?

Audrey, have I been too easy on you lately? What is this, a love letter from your new boy toy?

So, this was him being easy on me? Forcing me to accept his betrayal and his illegitimate children, ignoring my agony?

A chill colder than death seeped into my bones. I shoved him out of the room with all my strength and locked the door. All I could do now was pray that the Jackson from eleven years ago would listen, that he could somehow change my fate.

But the next few days passed with no change at all. My heart sank.

Perhaps as a punishment for my disobedience, Jackson decided to throw a lavish party to formally welcome the twins into the family. Invitations were sent to half the citys elite.

Sylvie, radiant in a couture gown, stood with the two children, graciously accepting the congratulations and well-wishes from the crowd. When her eyes met mine, they were gleaming with triumph. Her smile seemed to say, This is just the beginning. The next party you attend will be our wedding.

Halfway through the event, a slideshow of the childrens lives began playing on a large screen. There was Jackson, having a picnic with them and their mother; Jackson, taking them to a water park. The images were a beautiful, agonizing torture.

Suddenly, the screen flickered. The childrens smiling faces were gone.

In their place was a shockingly graphic scene.

It was the video of my mothers affair, the one her lover had secretly filmed and leaked online years ago.

We looked so much alike. I could feel the guests scornful glares piercing my skin.

Jackson was shouting at the technicians to shut it down, but something was wrong with the controls. My mothers wanton moans echoed through the grand ballroom.

My blood ran cold, freezing in my veins.

Across the room, Sylvies lips curled into a poisonous smile. She mouthed the words silently: Like my gift?

I lunged at her, slapping her across the face with every ounce of strength I had.

Sylvie stumbled backward theatrically, colliding with her son who had run over to see the commotion. The boy fell to the ground and burst into tears.

Sylvie! My son! Jackson roared.

Before I could even react, I was kicked, sent flying like a rag doll. My head slammed against the marble floor. A sharp, searing pain exploded at the back of my skull as a warm liquid began to pool beneath me.

I curled up on the ground, a wet heat spreading between my legs. I reached down with a trembling hand and it came away slick with blood.