A Lifetime of Atonement for Her

The world flooded back into view, a sudden, blinding miracle.
Before I could even share the news with my husband, I heard his voice from the hallway, low and conspiratorial, talking to the doctor.
Mr. Blackwood, your wifes hands theyre showing signs of healing again. Are you going to have me break her fingers again? This is the eighth time. Shes already lost her mother, and you you smothered your own son. I know you want to protect Savannah, but you dont have to destroy your wife to do it!
If Christine ever finishes that sketch, Savannahs life is over, Damians voice was cold steel. Savannah is a good person. It was an accident. She and I are getting married soon, and I wont let anything jeopardize that.
I promised Savannah that Leo would be my only son. I will not fail them. It doesnt matter that Christine is childless now. Ill take care of her for the rest of her life. Let that be my penance.
A tremor of pure agony wracked my body.
So, the man who destroyed my world was the same one I called my husband. My mother was killed in a hit-and-run when I was eight months pregnant. In my frantic search for the driver, I too was struck by a car. I woke up blind, my fingers shattered.
And it was all to pave the way for his true love.
If this is what he wanted, then I would give it to him.
1
Be quick about it. After you smash Christines fingers, I want her uterus removed, too. Shes already convinced herself that Leo is her child, so she probably wont be asking for another. But we cant take any chances. This way, I wont have to use protection with Savannah anymore.
The doctors voice was a shocked whisper. Mr. Blackwood, shes already blind and crippled. You killed your own infant son just to bring Savannahs child into your home, and now you want to sterilize her? If she ever finds out the truth, it will break her.
Damian scoffed. So what? Shes a wreck. Who else would want her? Shes blind anyway. Well have the big wedding for Savannah first, and then when the press is gone, Ill do a small ceremony for Christine. Shes easy to fool.
Besides, he continued, his voice dripping with casual cruelty, shes a coward now. Terrified of going outside, terrified of cars. The sound of an engine makes her tremble. Ill just keep her locked up at home, for her protection. She has no one left. Who would she even cry to?
Will you be watching, sir?
A dry chuckle. Ive watched the last eight times. Whats one more?
Footsteps approached. I scrambled back onto the cold operating table, my heart hammering against my ribs.
The doctor looked at my bandaged hands, his face a mask of pity. Shes been through this eight times. The amount of anesthesia were using will cause irreversible damage. Mr. Blackwood, can you really do this to her?
Damian kicked the base of the table, the metal ringing out in the sterile room. Enough. Just get it done. If shes crippled, Ill support her. If she goes insane, Ill support her!
The doctor sighed, a sound of defeat. She loved you with everything she had. She stood by you when you had nothing, helped you rebuild your empire. And now her family is dead, her career is destroyed I hope you dont live to regret this, sir.
For Savannah and Leos happiness, this is a small price for her to pay. I will never regret it. I just hope she stays blissfully ignorant. Ill let her live in the fairy tale Ive built for her. Thats the least I can do for the love she gave me.
Same as always, Damian added, his voice softening into a grotesque parody of care. Give her a heavy dose of anesthetic. I dont want Christine to feel any pain. And go a little easier on her left hand. The thought of her having to use her mouth or feet to pick things up I cant bear it.
The needle slid into my arm, but the drug felt like ice water in my veins. It didnt work. My mind remained terrifyingly clear.
Damians phone buzzed. Mr. Blackwood, the monthly hush money for the drivers family has been sent. One million dollars.
Dont bother me with these trifles again. Just remind them: if anyone asks, he was the one who hit Christine and her mother. He is to never, ever show his face or run his mouth in front of her.
A laugh echoed on the other end of the line. Of course not. His son thinks he hit the jackpot. A life sentence in exchange for ten million? He considers it a bargain.
The laughter reverberated in the operating room, squeezing my heart in an invisible fist.
So, it wasn't some random driver who killed my mother. It was Savannah. And to cover it up, Damian hired a man to silence us both, a man who nearly succeeded.
My sweet boy my baby murdered by his own father.
He was our child, a tiny, perfect life that never got to see the sun. And for the sake of his precious Savannah, Damian snuffed him out without a second thought.
The man I thought was my savior was the executioner all along.
The regret was a poison, a burning shame for loving this monster. The hatred was a wildfire, consuming everything for falling for this beast in human skin.
The hammer fell.
Agony exploded in my hand, sharp and blinding, one finger after another, until they were nothing but a pulp of shattered bone and flesh.
Then, a cold, metal instrument invaded my body, twisting and tearing deep within my womb.
I squeezed my eyes shut, biting my lip so hard I tasted blood, trying to swallow the screams. But the tears, hot and silent, streamed down my face.
2
I woke from a sea of pain. Damian was there, dabbing my forehead with a warm cloth, his eyes filled with a convincing, heartbreaking sorrow.
Does it hurt? Im so sorry, my love. You fainted during your check-up. The doctors ran a full scan your hands, theyve gotten worse. And they found they said there was a risk of cancer in your uterus, that it had to be removed. I tried to stop them, Christine, I really did.
He stroked my hair. Even if you can never have children, even if youre blind and cant use your hands for the rest of your life, you are still the only woman I love. My only wife.
My hands were wrapped in even thicker bandages, and a searing pain radiated from my abdomen. I shifted slightly, and fresh blood immediately began to seep through the sterile gauze.
I said nothing. I only tried to get out of bed, a simple movement that sent Damian into a panic. He threw his arms around me, his voice cracking with apologies, hot tears splashing onto my bandaged hands, making the raw wounds sting even more.
He was practically on his knees. Christine, its my fault, Im so sorry! Please, dont move. Im begging you!
Even now, when he thought I couldnt see, he put on such a masterful performance. So good that I had believed it for years. I had believed he loved me to death.
A knot of ice formed in my chest, but I clung to one last, desperate thread of hope. Im fine. I was just dreaming of Mom and our little one. They said they were in so much pain. I miss them.
Damian visibly relaxed. Christine, its over. Dont dwell on it. The man who did it was executed. Your mother can rest in peace. Ill protect you now. Youre my everything. You miss the baby? I can have them bring Leo in, okay?
I turned my head away, unwilling to expose his lie just yet. No. Let him rest.
My baby would never come back. And the last thing I wanted was to see Savannahs child parading in front of me. All those times Id held him, cuddled him were he and his father laughing at me? Laughing at the pathetic, foolish woman holding her childs replacement, a child of her enemy, and whispering loving words?
Damian didnt sense the shift. He just chuckled playfully. You spoil Leo so much. You dont love him more than me, do you? I might get jealous. You need to love your son a little less, and your husband a little more.
You switched my child like a thief in the night, Damian. You hoped I would pour all the love for my dead son onto yours.
I loved you for five years, and you couldnt spare me a single truth.
I was the greedy one, after all.
3
I insisted on going home to pay my respects to my mother. Damian, knowing how important she was to me, arranged for my discharge. He carried me all the way from the car, whispering sweet nothings in my ear.
Christine, even if you cant see, even if you cant use your hands, Ill be with you, loving you always. I will be your eyes, your hands. I will spend the rest of my life with you.
Once, those words would have made me melt. Now, they sounded like a vile curse.
Damian carried me into the memorial room he had specially set up in our home, so I could pray for my mother whenever I wished.
But as we entered, my blood ran cold.
The black-and-white portrait on the wall it wasnt my mother. It was Savannahs.
Damian, oblivious, guided me to the prayer cushion with practiced ease. He knelt first. Rest in peace, mother.
He looked up at me. Christine? Arent you going to kneel?
I prayed this was all a hallucination.
How many nights had I knelt in this very room, my heart breaking as I confessed my failure to find Moms killer? How many times had I bowed my head until my forehead bled, praying for her peace in the next life, begging for a chance to be her mother someday?
And all that time, Damian just watched me with that gentle, loving expression.
He exploited my blindness, watching me kneel and pray, day after day, to the mother of the woman who killed my own.
My stomach heaved, and I vomited until there was nothing left.
Damian fussed over me, his concern a sickening charade. He finally carried me to bed, falling asleep in his clothes beside me.
I watched his phone light up on the nightstand. A message from Savannah.
Dearest hubby, is Christine still blind? Ill keep sending her encouraging messages then. Hope she gets well soon!
I picked up my own phone. Over a hundred messages from her. She knew I couldnt read them, but she couldnt resist the chance to torment me.
Damian is just too much! For my birthday, he bought me a private island AND a custom jewelry collection. He even booked out the most expensive hotel in the city for my party, said I deserve the best. Such a waste of money, right? You should tell him off for me, Christine. ;)
Leo had a tantrum today, said he hates being called your sweet boy. Said youre disgusting, always holding him and kissing him. Damian felt so bad for him, he set up ten trust funds and bought him 99 supercars in different colors. Hes so young, hes going to be so spoiled!
I stared at the photos of the three of thema perfect, happy family. The sight was a physical pain. I opened my closet. It was filled with cheap, generic clothes. I touched my flat stomach, a hollow, empty space where life would never grow again.
I was the one who helped Damian through his companys crisis, using my skills as a criminal profiler to unmask a corporate spy and help him rebuild his financial empire. And for all that, all I ever got was a pat on the head and a condescending, Youve worked so hard, Christine. Youre the best.
My eyes landed on Savannahs last message.
I killed your mother. You kept screaming about finding the killer, and it gave my mom such a fright she had a fatal heart attack. Its all your fault. But Damian said he couldnt let you keep making mistakes. Hes making you atone. Making you kneel and pray for my mothers soul, wishing her a peaceful afterlife. If you do that, then maybe Ill forgive you. ?
So this was it. The fruit of my love for Damian. Savannahs forgiveness.
I looked at the unfinished sketch lying on my bedside table, my gaze turning to ice. I called my best friend, who was on an expedition in the Arctic.
Three days, she said. Give me three days, and Ill be there to get you out of that hell.
Good. That was just enough time to finish this drawing.
4
When Damian woke, he found me sitting upright in bed, staring into space. His face crumpled with pity.
Christine, I know its hard, not getting better. Its okay. If youre angry, you can hit me, you can scream at me. Just dont hold it in. I cant stand seeing you in pain.
I held up my bandaged hands. It would hurt me to hit you, I said, my voice flat.
He immediately unwrapped the bandages, ignoring the blood and the foul smell, and pressed kiss after kiss onto my mangled fingers.
Christine, its my mothers sixtieth birthday today. Lets go to the party, get you out of the house. Our wedding is just a few days away. Things are going to get better from now on, I promise.
We arrived at the Blackwood estate. The first thing I saw was Damians mother, holding court in the center of the room. Her hair was perfectly coiffed, Savannah on one arm, Leo in the other, fussing over him endlessly. She didnt even glance at me. Leo just shot me a disdainful look and rolled his eyes.
Savannah, ever the peacemaker, smiled sweetly. Mrs. Blackwood, Im sure Christine missed you. If you keep clinging to me like this, shes going to get jealous.
Damians mother raked her eyes over me, her lip curled in disgust. Her? Shes a curse. Blind, crippled and she still insists on wearing those disgusting bandages and using that cane. Straight from the hospital to my party, bringing all that bad luck with her. Christine, youre a jinx. Your mother died, your son died. Youre poison. Its my sixtieth birthday, and I plan on living for a few more decades. You and your familys tragic fate can stay far away from me!
A cold smile touched my lips. Isnt that what you said to my mother?
Please, I want to live long enough to see my grandchildren. Please, save me.
Thats what shed said, on her knees, begging my mother for her life. Damians mother had always despised me. But my mother, behind my back, had donated her bone marrow to save her, hoping it would buy me some kindness from their family. And right after she was discharged from the hospital, still weak, she was run down in the street.
His mothers face flushed as if Id struck her. So what if I did? Are you going to hold that one little favor over my head for the rest of my life? Besides, its a good thing she donated to me. Otherwise, it would have just gone to waste when she died. Your mother was destined for a short life. She couldnt handle the honor of my bow!
Damian used to defend me, at least a little. But now, he only had eyes for Savannah and her son. He swept Leo into his arms and kissed Savannah deeply, right there in front of everyone, completely lost in her spell.
Coming up for air, he tossed a careless remark over his shoulder. Lets not fight. Its a happy occasion.
I bit my lip until I tasted blood. Three more days. I just had to endure for three more days.
Seeing my silence, his mother smirked. Why am I arguing with a blind woman, anyway?
Suddenly, Leo wriggled out of Damians arms and charged, slamming into me with all his might. I stumbled backward, my cane clattering to the floor. In the chaos, he inadvertently knocked into Savannah as well.
Damian instantly caught Savannah, cradling her protectively before sparing me a single glance. Christine, are you alright? It was just one of the clumsy staff. Im going to go calm my mother down. You shouldnt be upset either.
And with that, he turned his back, leading Savannah away and leaving me alone in the center of a whispering crowd.
The party continued around me as if I didnt exist.
I heard she used to be a famous criminal profiler. Now shes just a cripple. The Blackwoods are saints for putting up with her, and she still causes trouble. What a fool.
I think Miss Savannah and Mr. Blackwood are the perfect match. She used to chase after him so pathetically. Its a good thing shes blind now. Imagine how much it would hurt to see them together.
I escaped to the backyard for a moment of peace, only to hear rustling from the bushes, punctuated by soft, rhythmic moans.
Savannah was naked, clinging to Damian like a koala.
Damian, she purred, I want you to wreck me. The way you did for her.
His face was flushed with lust, but he hesitated. Savannah, not now Christines out there alone. Im worried. Can we wait until after the wedding?
His eyes met mine through the foliage.
Savannah saw it too. A wicked smile spread across her face. She lowered her voice to a seductive whisper, but arched her hips with a defiant thrust. But isnt this more thrilling? She cant see us. Come on, Damian. Wreck me.
He lost all control, surging forward.
I watched them, a grotesque silhouette against the manicured hedges, before quietly turning and walking away.
5
Back in the main hall, everyone was gathered around Damians mother for the birthday toast. No one noticed me slip away.
I pulled out my phone, my thumb finding the familiar icon of my mothers picture. The tears finally came.
Mom, you gave half your life to save that monster, all for my happiness Youre lying in the cold ground, while shes here, celebrated by hundreds. Its my fault. I was so blind.
Suddenly, my white cane, which I had propped against the table, was snatched up and swung down hard against my hand.
A fresh wave of agony shot through my fingers. My phone shattered, and my blood smeared across my mothers face on the broken screen. Once again, she was lying in a pool of red.
Savannah stood over me, her cheeks still flushed from her encounter, her smile utterly depraved. I had a feeling something was off with you. So you can see. How was the show? Watching me with Damian did it get you hot?
She sneered. You can stare at that old hags picture all you want, shes not coming back. She deserved to die. Trying to use that bone marrow donation to blackmail Damian into marrying you sooner. A busybody like that is better off dead. You know, right before the end, she was begging me not to hurt you.
But what does it matter? she purred, leaning closer. For me and Leo, Damian still turned on you and your son, didn't he? And the funniest part is, he doesnt even know Leo isnt his. But your precious little baby is still dead. They pulled out a fully formed baby boy, you know. Damian smothered him with his own two hands. Oh, you poor thing, Christine. If I were you, Id gouge out my own eyes. Better yet, Id just die and stay dead forever.
She tossed a phone at me. On the screen, a video played. I saw my mother being run over, again and again. I saw my babys face turning purple in Damians hands.
And you know why Damian was so insistent on having your uterus removed? Savannahs voice was a triumphant hiss. I overheard you telling your mom you wanted her to be your daughter in the next life. I just had to make sure youd be barren forever. Lets see your mother try to reincarnate in a dead womb!
My vision turned red. I snatched the cane from her and raised it high. Before I could bring it down, she let out a piercing shriek and threw herself to the ground.
A second later, a brutal kick sent me sprawling.
Christine, are you insane? Damian roared. Savannah was just trying to help you, and you attack her with your cane?
Savannah sobbed. Damian, its my fault. I saw her with her phone and I just wanted to offer to hold it for her, to help her go inside and wish your mother a happy birthday. But she thought I was mocking her for being blind she smashed her own phone and said she was going to gouge out my eyes, tear open my stomach, and crack my skull open for fun. She said she said it was just some old womans birthday, not hers. She wished she wished your mother would drop dead.
Im so scared, Damian, she wailed. I didnt mean to upset her. But how could she say such a terrible thing about your mom?
Damians face was a mask of fury. Christine, just because youre a cursed, miserable person who got her own mother and son killedno, you were just a bad motherdoesnt give you the right to lash out at everyone else! If you hadnt insisted on being a criminal profiler, running all over the place while pregnant, you wouldnt have been hit! Why you, out of everyone in the world? If you had just stayed home like you were supposed to, none of this would have happened!
Youre crippled, and now your mind is sick too! Savannah tries to be kind to you and you attack her! With your broken hands, you still try to hurt people! How can you be so vicious, so classless?
A mother who raised a daughter like you is lucky she was hit by a car! Otherwise, you would have worried her to death! She deserved it! And now you curse my mother? My mother is perfectly fine!
Vicious? Classless? Deserved it?
Then tell me, Damian! I screamed, my voice raw. Where is the person who ran over my mother? Where is my baby? Tell me what really happened to me in that hospital! Tell me the truth!
A flicker of guilt crossed his eyes before he drowned it in rage. Dont think screaming makes you right! The killer was executed! And Leo just didnt say hello to you today, is that why youre holding a grudge? You went to the hospital for a check-up, thats all!
I dont understand you! Youre acting crazy! Now, apologize to Savannah!
Just then, Leo ran out and started stomping on my bloody hand. Stupid blind lady! Dont you bully my mommy!
Pain lanced up my arm. I shoved him away. Get off me!
You really have lost your mind, Christine! Hes just a child!
Damian, quick, check on Leo! He scraped his knee!
His mother stormed out, looking ready to faint. You wretched creature! If anything happens to my grandson, Ill kill you!
Damian looked at my blood-covered hand, then turned without another word, took Savannahs hand, and carried Leo away.
I closed my eyes in despair as I was thrown out of the Blackwood estate, alone and bleeding.
6
The next day, Damian still hadnt come home, but the apologetic texts flooded in.
Im so sorry, Christine. Are you in pain? I was just so worried. My mother adores Savannah, and I was afraid youd hurt her and upset Mom. And Leo hes so young. Savannah has been over so much, I think hes just gotten confused about who his mother is. Tomorrow is our wedding day. Lets not think about unhappy things, okay?
I put down my paintbrush. I understand, I typed back with my good hand. You do it all for this family.
I do it all for my Christine. As long as youre happy, your husband will do anything.
I didnt reply. I gave the staff an extended vacation. Alone in the house, I started packing, but there was shockingly little that belonged to me. It made things easier.
On the third daytheir wedding dayI called the cemetery and arranged to retrieve the ashes of my mother and my son.
Damians voice was electric with excitement when he called. Christine, Im at the venue now! The wedding dress is on its way to you. I promised your mother, and I promised you, a grand wedding. Wait for me to come and get you, okay?
I opened the box. The dress inside wasnt my size.
The internet was buzzing. CEO Damian Blackwoods Wedding of the Century at the Zenith Tower. Screens all over the city were broadcasting the event live. Savannahs gown was a breathtaking couture creation. Mine, like the rest of my clothes, looked cheap.
In his eyes, I was only ever worthy of a half-hearted gesture.
Of course, I said, my voice dripping with irony. Happy wedding day, Mr. Blackwood.
He didnt catch the tone, assuming it was just my brand of affection. You too, my Christine.
I left three documents on the table and, holding a file folder, took a taxi to the Zenith Tower. I handed the folder to the concierge, with instructions to give it to the groom, then took the express elevator to the rooftop.
My friends helicopter was already waiting. I took one last look at the giant screen broadcasting the wedding below. Damians smile was radiant.
I didnt look back again as I climbed the rope ladder into the sky.
Downstairs, just as Damian was about to place the ring on Savannahs finger, his assistant burst onto the stage, his face ghost-white.
Mr. Blackwood, its a disaster! Your wife Christine knows everything! She just threw herself into the ocean!

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