I Refuse to Burn Out

As I grew close to Jenna, a subtle malice crept in.
I bought a new coat, and she blurted that it made me look like a wild boar, then laughed it off as a joke.
At the grocery store, shed pull my arm toward the discount section and say, This stuff is past its primestop being so cheap, even when I wasnt looking. Then shed quickly change the subject.
Still, she felt like a good friend. The only problem was the constant turmoil she stirred in me.
I tried talking to my boyfriend Leo, but he just smiled and called me sensitive, pinching my cheek.
My mom scowled and said city people were cruel, and Id be better off moving back home.
Waitwas that same subtle malice coming from them, too?
I felt lost until I met Maya, a mentor from college. She took one look and said, Youre radiating easy target vibes. People put you down to lift themselves up.
Panicked, I asked what to do.
Maya smiled confidently. Its not too late. Just do as I say
1
On Monday, I wore the coat. The long, black down jacket Jenna had said made me look like a wild boar.
After clocking in, I marched straight to the finance department.
Jenna looked up as I entered, her eyes scanning my outfit before her brow furrowed.
Youre wearing that thing again, she said.
Ava, dont take this the wrong way, but you really shouldnt wear that coat. Its not flattering.
Even though I was prepared, her words still landed like a punch to the gut. The last time Id worn it was the first cold snap of the season. I had been so excited about this jacket; it cost me nearly three hundred dollars. After her comment, Id shoved it to the back of my closet.
Dont doubt yourself. Dont back down. Dont get angry. The best defense is a good offense.
I forced a breezy smile and recited the script Maya had given me.
What would a fashion-challenged person like you know about style? A long black down coat is a classic. Its perfect for layering, and its chic and warm on its own.
As the first words left my mouth, Jennas smile stayed put, but the light in her eyes vanished.
A wave of exhilaration and terror washed over me at the same time.
I quickly grabbed the power bank from her desk, keeping my tone as light as possible.
You borrow my power bank and I still have to come all the way here to get it back? Jenna, youre the worst.
A few people nearby chuckled good-naturedly.
Jennas fake smile was starting to crack.
Ava
Anyway, I gotta get back to the grind. See ya!
I didnt give her a chance to recover. Waving a quick goodbye, I practically fled the room.
I clicked on the voice recorder on my phone. My counter-attack, which Id thought sounded so bold and confident, was actually shaky and thin. The only good thing was that I hadnt stumbled over the words.
After changing into my lab coat, I got to work.
Jenna and I worked for the same large corporation. She was a cashier in finance, and I was a research specialist in R&D. We ate lunch together every day.
Shed just lost a round, which meant shed be looking to even the score at noon.
I waited, my nerves on edge.
2
Hey, Ava! Jenna waved at me as if nothing had happened.
As I approached, she and Liz from accounting were huddled together, laughing hysterically. Their sly glances kept darting in my direction.
They were talking about me.
My feet felt like they were stuck to the floor.
When I finally reached their table, the laughter stopped abruptly.
Jenna nudged Liz, a little too dramatically.
Wed better stop, or Avas going to get mad at us. She shot a look at me, as if expecting an imminent explosion.
Alright, alright, no more laughing. Lets eat! Liz said, waving her hand and leading the way to the cafeteria line.
The two of them linked arms, chattering enthusiastically about what they were going to get for lunch.
A hot, nameless anger rose in my throat, choking me.
I hurried to catch up.
I wanted to ask them what they were laughing about. Why they were so sure I was going to get angry. But the topic had already changed, and bringing it up now would just make me seem petty. Id be walking right into the trap theyd set, proving their point that I was thin-skinned and quick to anger.
I followed them through the line, my face set in a stony mask.
I had just sat down with my tray when Jenna turned to me, her face a picture of innocent concern.
Ava, whats with the long face? Youre not actually mad, are you?
Before I could even react, she was apologizing.
Oh my god, Im so sorry. Its all my fault. I didnt mean to upset you.
Liz, who was a few steps ahead, looked back. A few other colleagues glanced over curiously.
That familiar, suffocating frustration washed over me.
If I said it was fine, Id be swallowing my anger and earning a reputation as someone who was always sulking. But I couldnt argue with her about what happened earlier without looking like I was obsessed with every little slight.
I was trapped. Then, Mayas words echoed in my head.
When youre truly stuck, expose the malice. Turn the question back on them. Most people arent purely evil. When theyre testing your boundaries, theyre often just as nervous as you are.
I took a deep breath and looked at her calmly.
Why would I be mad? Did you do something you need to apologize for?
I added, for effect, You just suddenly turned around and apologized. Its kind of weird.
A second ago, a flicker of smug triumph had been dancing in Jennas eyes. Now, it was gone, replaced by pure, slack-jawed astonishment. She was so surprised by my response that her mouth hung slightly open.
She was genuinely nervous.
Her confidence, her easy control of the situationit all depended on me playing my part.
My heart began to pound with excitement. Jenna wasnt invincible.
I picked up my tray and walked past her.
As I passed Liz, I gave her a natural smile.
Jennas acting so strange today. One minute shes laughing, the next shes apologizing for no reason. Anyway, I need to get back to the lab, Ive got some data I need to double-check.
3
My heart was still thrumming from the victory.
I focused on my food, eating slowly and occasionally joining in the light chatter of my other colleagues. I pretended not to notice the cold, humorless glares Jenna kept sending my way.
When Maya first pointed out that I was in a subordinate position in my relationships, I was terrified. My first instinct was to run and hide.
But Maya was blunt.
You cant escape it. Every relationship is a negotiation, a power struggle. Basically, there are four types: you recharge each other, youre in a constant tug-of-war, its a transactional partnership, or its purely toxic. Anything but toxic can be adjusted. Which one are you and Jenna?
I thought about it. A tug-of-war.
I was always retreating, and she was always advancing.
So, what if one day you pulled her over to your side of the line? Would you still want to be friends with her?
The question stopped me cold. I thought about it seriously for a moment, then shook my head.
Maya tapped her chin.
Then use her for practice. Social skills are like muscles; you have to train them.
And while youre at it, she added, think about what kind of relationships you have with your boyfriend and your mother.
As I finished my lunch, I sent Maya a text reporting my success.
She replied instantly: Good job! I told you you were sharp and smart!
I smiled, embarrassed. Another message followed immediately.
Be careful. People who are used to you backing down see your retreat as their strength. When you finally stand up for yourself, theyll see it as a betrayal. They will retaliate. Viciously. Are you ready?
I put down my phone and took a deep breath.
Let them come. I wasnt afraid anymore.
I was going to take back every inch of territory I had silently surrendered.
4
Jenna didnt contact me for several days.
Her Instagram, however, was a flurry of activity. Nine-picture grids of lattes, hot pot, escape rooms her smile radiant in every shot.
The main characters in these photos were all our mutual friends.
When I saw the posts, Id quietly like them and keep scrolling.
Even when Liz from accounting tried to subtly probe, I just played dumb and changed the subject.
Until Friday.
A group photo slammed into my feed: in the center, a beaming David Henderson, the senior accountant, was holding a bouquet of flowers. He was surrounded by people from HR, finance, admin, production even a few senior members of my own R&D team who hed helped out over the years.
The caption read: Farewell to a true mentor! Thank you for 30 years of dedication. Youll always be a legend here!
The blood rushed to my head.
It was Davids retirement party.
David was famously one of the kindest people in the company. Hed taught me how to properly file expense reports when I first started.
And I hadnt known a thing about this party.
In a slow-moving, old-school corporation like ours, where relationships were tangled and complex, these informal social gatherings were crucial for networking and exchanging information. You could choose to be a minimalist with your social life, but to be actively excluded from your usual circle sent a devastating signal: either you were so disliked that the organizer deemed you unworthy of an invitation, or you were so cold and disrespectful that youd snub a beloved senior colleague.
I couldnt even ask why I wasnt invited.
To ask would be to fall right into Jennas trap, confirming that I was petty and overly sensitive.
And there, in the photo, standing right next to David, was Jenna. Her smile was warm, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.
I refreshed my feed, and more photos from different angles popped up. Everyone was liking and commenting, especially on Davids own post.
I quickly opened my chat with Maya, sending out an SOS.
Her reply was swift.
Emotion wont solve this. Act. Now. Send David a private message.
I paused for a second, then typed back: Should I tell him Jenna sabotaged me and I didnt even know about the party? And then wish him well?
No. Tell him youre so sorry you couldnt make it because you had a prior commitment. Mayas words were precise and clear. Saying a colleague sabotaged you sounds like a child tattling. It confirms the narrative that youre unpopular and a victim. You must always, always keep control of the narrative.
I stared at her message, my fingers cold.
After thanking her, I opened my chat with David. I typed and deleted several drafts before settling on a few simple, heartfelt sentences.
Hi David! I just saw the photos from your retirement party and realized youre officially starting your next chapter! Im so incredibly sorry I couldnt be there in person to celebrate with you.
I still remember when I first started
I proofread it three times. The tone was sincere and light. I added a couple of playful emojis, took a deep breath, and hit send.
I set my phone aside, anxiously awaiting his reply.
Suddenly, my phone buzzed twice.
My heart leaped.
It was Leo.
5
Hey babe, the weathers supposed to be amazing this weekend. How about we go camping and have a barbecue? Youve been so down lately, you need to recharge!
My immediate instinct was to refuse: Cant this weekend, I have plans with Maya.
That felt too harsh, so I added an explanation: Its for work, just need to pick her brain about a few things~
Leo replied instantly: Okay, okay, I know my girl is a busy bee now!
But seriously, the way you furrow your brow when youre thinking hard is so damn cute. When youre done, Ill be sure to reward you properly!
A flash of pure rage went through me.
Thanks to Maya, I could now identify this behavior for what it was: infantilizing and sexualizing your partner. It was utterly disrespectful. Arguing with him or demanding respect was pointless; hed just find my anger cute too.
I took a deep breath and typed back:
Not as cute as you, sweetie!
Gotta run. You be good now, little guy.
I sent the message and then muted his chat.
When I was done with this, when I had mastered this new art of war, Id deal with him.
Just then, a message from David came through. It was gracious and warm, accompanied by two rose emojis.
We chatted for a few more minutes, and then I gracefully ended the conversation.
6
I spent a relaxing weekend with Maya at a spa.
I returned to work on Monday, fully recharged.
Same lab coat, same colleagues, but something in the atmosphere felt off.
Laura from the next bench over couldnt hold it in any longer. She sidled up to me.
Ava, did you get an offer from some big-shot headhunter? I mean, the benefits here are great, I cant believe youd just jump ship!
She lowered her voice. But still, you shouldnt have skipped Davids party. You have to at least pretend to care, you know?

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