Heart Pierced, Plunged Into Ice

Six months after I broke up with Ethan, we got back together. I noticed hed changed.
The once rugged, no-frills guy now had a full-blown skincare routine. After we moved in together, he even started sitting down to use the toilet, something hed learned was more considerate. Hed surprise me with giftsdelicate, lacey things Id never seen him pick out before.
One night, I teased him about it. What happened to you? Its only been six months and youve transformed into the perfect boyfriend.
He was quiet for a moment. Then he said, I had a good teacher.
1
In the bridal shop, my mother beamed as she held up another wedding dress for my approval.
You and Ethan, after all this back and forth, you finally found your way back to each other, she said, her voice filled with warmth. Promise me you two will make it work this time. No more fighting, no more breakups.
I stared at my reflection in the full-length mirror, a stranger in white, and felt a wave of uncertainty wash over me.
Ethan and I had grown up together. I knew every line on his face, every flicker of emotion in his eyes. When he wet the bed at six, I was the one who helped him sneak the sheets into the wash in the middle of the night. When I got my first period at eleven and bled through my jeans, he was the one who, blushing furiously, ran to the store to buy me pads and a new pair of underwear. At twenty, we gave each other our firsts.
But this time, after six months apart, it felt like I was living with a different person.
My moms voice pulled me back to the present. If you two hadnt had that stupid fight, youd be married by now. No more nonsense, you hear me? Ive watched you two grow up. Theres no man on this earth who will ever love you more than Ethan.
I know, Mom, I said, forcing a smile and pushing down the strange feeling in my gut. Don't worry, we know what were doing. Were going to get the marriage license in a few days.
2
By the time Id finished my makeup trial, Ethan was back. He was empty-handed.
Did you get the rings? I asked, a little surprised.
Sorry, he said, running a hand through his hair in frustration. My fault. I forgot to update my shipping address on my phone, so they sent them to the wrong place. Itll be a few days before they get forwarded.
He tugged at the collar of his shirt, loosening it. As he did, a tattoo just above his collarbone peeked out.
Leah.
A sharp pain lanced through my chest, followed by a slow, creeping unease. Id first noticed the new ink when he came back, but I hadn't asked about it. I knew it had to be a womans name.
Wed planned to pick up the rings today, and then I was going to put on the dress so he could film a mock proposal video for our wedding announcement. That was off the table now.
Its fine, I said, my voice lighter than I felt. We havent set the date yet, so a few days doesnt matter. I met his eyes in the mirror. Ethan, after I change, lets go get that tattoo removed.
He froze for a second, then quickly masked it with a shrug of indifference. Sure.
So, I changed out of the wedding dress and we went to the nearest laser removal clinic. He took off his shirt and lay down. The technician prepped the laser, making small talk.
Girlfriends name? he asked with a chuckle. Right on the collarbone, huh? Thats gotta be one of the most painful spots. Closest to the heart. You must really love her. He squinted at the fresh ink. Looks pretty new, too. Why the change of heart?
I was sitting on a chair nearby, and my hands tightened around my purse.
I answered for him, my voice quiet. Its not my name.
The technician stopped, blinking at me. He hadn't expected that. A flash of understanding crossed his face, followed by an awkward flush. He cleared his throat and went back to work without another word.
3
Ethan didnt make a sound during the entire procedure, gritting his teeth through the pain. He didnt offer an explanation on the way out, either. But I couldnt hold it in any longer. I stopped on the sidewalk.
Ethan, who is Leah? I asked softly. Did you date someone else during the four and a half months we were fighting?
I had been biting my tongue for weeks, but the question finally escaped. Wed said we were broken up for six months, but I knew the exact number: 135 days.
The Ethan I knew was rough around the edges. He never used scented lotions or face wash, complaining they were too girly. He wasnt the type to buy lingerie. He certainly wouldnt have taken the time to learn about female anatomy and figure out that him sitting to use the toilet was better for my hygiene.
But since wed gotten back together, Id noticed all these little changes, these tiny habits that felt like they belonged to someone else. It was like living with the ghost of another woman.
Ethan stopped, too. He opened his mouth, then closed it. Finally, he just nodded, a low grunt his only response. He stepped forward and took my hands, his gaze firm and resolute.
Catherine, listen to me, he said, his voice earnest. Its over between us. Its completely done. When we fought and broke up, I went on a bender I was a mess and I met her. But I want to marry you. I swear, I will never have anything to do with her again. You have to believe me.
A damp, heavy feeling settled in my chest. But we were about to get married. Id known since I was a little girl that I was going to spend my life with him. So I nodded, choosing to believe him.
4
Back home, my phone was buzzing with congratulatory messages from our friends. Theyd all been worried during our long fight and were thrilled we were finally getting married.
Ethan went to the living room to ice the raw skin where the tattoo had been. I replied to our friends about the wedding date while I started unpacking his suitcase from his trip.
Hed flown to another city during our fight. Tucked beneath a layer of clothes, I found a small notebook. I pulled it out and opened it without thinking.
My hand started to tremble.
The handwriting was histhat familiar, childish scrawl our teachers used to complain about.
February 10th.
Taped to the page was a small corner of a blood-stained bedsheet.
Leahs first time. A piece of the sheet. I was too drunk, too rough. I must have hurt her.
March 1st.
Taped next to it was a sanitary pad, still in its wrapper.
The brand of pads Leah uses. Saw her sweating from the cramps. I wish I could take the pain for her.
March 26th.
A pregnancy test with two pink lines fell out from between the pages.
Leahs pregnancy test. Shes pregnant. But I was drinking that night, and I took some medication. We cant keep the baby. I feel so guilty. This is my fault.
I had forged his handwriting to do his detention assignments countless times as a kid. No matter how messy his writing was, I could read every single word.
My vision blurred with tears. I stayed there, crouched on the floor, for a long time, the notebook clutched in my frozen hands.
Ethan walked in and saw what I was holding. His face went pale. He rushed over, snatched the notebook from my grasp, and pulled me up from the floor, leading me to the bed.
5
Im sorry, he said, his voice laced with regret. That must have gotten mixed in when I was packing. I completely forgot about it, or I would have thrown it away. I didnt mean for you to see it and get upset. Ill go toss it right now.
He threw the notebook aside as if it were contaminated.
I didnt understand. How could he have lived an entire lifetime with another person in just 135 days? A lifetime that included a child that never was.
My throat felt like it was full of fish bones, caught and painful. I pushed him away, my eyes stinging.
Ethan, we had our fight on February 9th. You slept with another woman on the 10th.
We had twenty-five years of history between us. Even though wed had a terrible fight, our families were already discussing wedding dates before I left. I never, ever imagined he could move on so seamlessly.
He pulled me back into his arms, holding me so tight I could barely breathe. His voice was raw. Catherine, I know anything I say right now will sound like an excuse, but I was drunk. It was a stupid, meaningless mistake.
Were about to get married, he pleaded. Can we please just leave the past in the past? Lets not dredge up things that will only make us both miserable.
The next day, the wedding date was set. Ethans parents came over to help decorate. Our families had been next-door neighbors our whole lives, so their house was like a second home to me. They treated me like their own daughter.
His mom pulled me down to sit beside her, her face wreathed in a loving smile. Catherine, come here. I have waited so many years for this day, to finally have you as my daughter-in-law.
This long fight between you and Ethan it had your mother and me so worried. Promise me, from now on, no matter how much you two argue, youll never stay apart for so long again.
6
Ethan looked over at me with a soft, adoring smile before turning to our parents. It was my fault, he declared. I shouldnt have stormed off like that. I promise, after were married, Ill never fight with Catherine again. Whatever she says, goes. And if shes wrong, its only because I was wrong first.
Just then, the doorbell rang. I was closest, so I got up to answer it.
Standing on the doorstep was a young woman I didnt recognize. I froze.
From the living room, Ethan called out, Catherine, who is it?
The woman looked to be in her early twenties, with a round, pale face. At the sound of Ethans voice, her eyes lit up. She peered eagerly past me toward the sound. She pulled a small ring box from her pocket.
Her voice was sweet and delicate. Hi, is this Ethans house? Im his ex-girlfriend.
He called me yesterday, she explained. The wedding rings he ordered were shipped to my address by mistake. I was worried hed need them right away, so I took the train here this morning to bring them to him.
Ethan had walked over by then. When he saw who was at the door, he stopped dead.
Leah? What are you doing here?
Her eyes instantly filled with tears. You bastard, Ethan! I thought youd changed your mind! I thought you were proposing to me when a ring box with your name on it showed up! She started pounding on his chest, sobbing quietly.
Thats when I noticed it. On her middle finger, she was wearing the womens wedding band. The one I had picked out.
My heart stuttered. A sour, suffocating feeling rose in my chest.
7
Ethan quickly ushered her outside, closing the door behind them. The house fell silent.
My mother was the first to speak, her voice sharp with anger. Who was that girl? What did she mean, shes Ethans ex-girlfriend? You two have been together since high school. Where did an ex come from?
Ethans parents looked mortified and utterly confused.
I gently stopped my mom, who was about to storm outside, and shook my head.
An hour and a half later, Ethan finally came back. He opened his palm to reveal the two wedding bands.
He looked at me with a cautious, pleading expression. Catherine, I got the rings back. Here, let me put yours on you. Lets see if it fits.
He was too close. I could see that his lips were red and slightly swollen, with a small bite mark on the lower one. His crisp white shirt was rumpled.
He slipped the ring onto my finger. It was too loose; it slid right off. I remembered with perfect, painful clarity how snugly it had fit on the other womans finger.
That was Leah, wasnt it? I asked, my voice flat. The woman from the tattoo. What were you doing for an hour and a half, Ethan?
Yes, it was her. Leah, he admitted. She took an overnight train just to bring us the rings. Shes all alone in the city, I couldnt just leave her there. I took her to a hotel nearby.
As he spoke, he nervously adjusted his collar. The tattoo was faded, but still visible. And next to it, on his neck, were two fresh, red scratches.
8
Ethan had always had fair, sensitive skin. When we were kids and wed roughhouse, Id barely touch him and hed be covered in red marks that took forever to fade. Our parents were always apologizing to his. After we were intimate, he would be covered in faint marks, as if Id savaged him.
I didnt want to think about it anymore. I couldnt.
The wedding drew closer, and I started sending out the e-invites. I dont know what Ethans mother got out of him, but she started treating me with an even greater mix of affection and guilt.
That night, I could hear the shower running in the bathroom. Catherine, Ethan called out over the water, can you grab my phone and send the invites to my contacts list? I dont want to miss anyone for tomorrow.
I had just picked up his phone when a shopping ad popped up on the screen. I meant to swipe it away, but my finger slipped and opened it.
It was an ad for lingerie.
And then I saw it. His purchase history. My fingers went cold.
Starting in February of this year, there was a long list of purchases: condoms of all kinds, lace teddies, stockings all shipped to the same address. The one where the rings had been mistakenly sent.
Leahs home.
I started shaking uncontrollably. For the first time in our lives, I went through his phone. In his photo album, I found dozens of pictures and videos of him and Leah.
Two of them were of them in bed. In one, the girls face was flushed red, and she was crying, pushing him away weakly.
Ethan, no more didnt your old girlfriend satisfy you? Youre insatiable.
Hush, Leah, he had murmured, his voice thick with desire. Just one more time, then well sleep.

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