Family Reunion, Death Wish

At the welcome-home dinner, my adoptive brother, Adam, whispered in my ear.
The Sterling family only needs one son. Youre just some trash they dragged in from the sticks.
I thought he had a point.
So I turned and walked straight into the roaring traffic of the intersection.
My family went insane, screaming and pleading as they dragged me back to the curb. My sister, Scarlett, her face a mask of fury, warned me never to upset Adam again.
I nodded obediently. Later that night, I turned on the gas and left a note.
It's my fault I made my brother unhappy. I'm going to take the whole family to heaven with me, then all our troubles will be over.
The way they looked at me after that, youd think theyd seen a ghost.
Then, at another party, Adam and his cronies shoved me into the swimming pool.
But I didnt struggle. I simply let my body sink toward the bottom.
Panicked, Adam had to dive in and haul me out himself.
You idiot! What if youd actually drowned? Mom and Dad would kill me! Couldnt you have at least tried to fight it?
What he didnt know was that I had fought back before. The reward for my struggles was a series of brutal deaths.
This was my tenth time being reborn.
This time, my only goal was to die.
1
Chlorine burned my stomach, a searing pain from the inside out.
Scarlett pulled me from the water. I collapsed at the edge of the pool, coughing up a lungful of water, barely clinging to life.
The color drained from Adams face, leaving it as white as a sheet. His friends were panicking too, tripping over themselves to make excuses.
We were just joking around with you!
Yeah, who knew hed just jump in like that!
And who drowns without even struggling? Is he trying to shake us down for money or something?
Scarlett wrapped her own cashmere cardigan around my shivering shoulders as I climbed out of the pool. My teeth chattered violently from the cold.
Still, I managed to force a smile as I looked at Adam.
You told me to get in, brother. So I did.
I listen to you.
A chill ran down Adams spine. He stumbled back a few steps, staring at me as if I were some kind of monster.
What the hell are you talking about? he shrieked. When did I tell you to get in?
He was on the verge of tears, turning to our parents who had just rushed over.
Dad, Mom, dont listen to him! Hes crazy!
Caleb is just trying to frame me!
Our parents faces were grim as they took in my soaking-wet form.
One of the boys, dressed in expensive designer streetwear, found his courage. He jumped in himself. We tried to save him, but he wouldnt even come up!
I peeked out from behind Scarlett, my expression one of pure innocence.
I wasnt refusing to come up.
Its just whatever my brother tells me to do, I have to do it perfectly. Otherwise, he gets upset.
And when hes upset, I continued, my eyes sweeping over their horrified faces, Scarlett and Mom and Dad get upset, too.
I looked at them, my voice earnest and steady.
So, what do I need to do to make you all happy?
A dead silence fell over the patio. Everyone was looking at me like I was a maniac.
Scarletts body went rigid. Her fingers dug into my arm, her manicured nails like claws in my flesh.
Caleb, shut your mouth!
My fathers voice was sharp as he spoke to the butler. Take the young master back to his room. Call the doctor and have him checked out.
Then he turned to Adam, his eyes harder than Id ever seen them.
Adam. You come with me.
Adam had always been the golden child, coddled and spoiled. Our parents rarely even raised their voices to him.
The harsh tone shocked him. The tears finally came, and he started sobbing, gasping for breath.
Dad, it really wasnt me
Looking at the storm clouds gathering on my familys faces, a wave of exhaustion washed over me.
What more do you want from me?
When Adams puppy ran away, they strapped a collar around my neck, made me eat dog food and sleep in its kennel, turning me into his new pet.
When he wanted to go camping with friends, he zipped me into a sealed sleeping bag and kicked me down a hillside. My head and body slammed into jagged rocks, the pain so intense it turned to numb suffocation. As he looked down at my twisted, broken body, hed simply curled his lip in disgust.
Guess the quality of this sleeping bag is crap. Im leaving a one-star review. Good thing my little brother tested it out for me.
This time, I didn't even fight his torment.
So why, Mom, Dad, Scarlett why are you still not happy?
2
After the doctor left, my mother came into my room with a glass of warm milk and sat on the edge of my bed.
She looked at me, her expression a mix of emotions I couldn't decipher.
Caleb, tell me the truth.
Do you do you really hate this family?
I shook my head. I dont hate you.
Then why? Why do you do these things? Why do you keep hurting yourself?
I took the glass, sipping the warm milk slowly as I answered her with complete sincerity.
I just want to make everyone happy.
My mothers eyes instantly reddened.
Youre my son, Caleb. My own flesh and blood. You dont have to please anyone!
I set the glass down and looked up at her.
But since I came home, Adam hasnt been happy. Scarlett hasnt been happy.
Mom was finding me a mistake?
My question left her speechless. All she could do was pull me into a hug.
No, Caleb. Youre not a mistake.
Her embrace was warm.
But it reminded me of another life.
The one where Adam sliced his own hand with a knife and fell crying into her arms. The look she gave me then was ice-cold. She locked me in a dark, cramped utility closet, letting Adam turn on the gas valve outside, leaving me there to reflect until I learned not to hurt my brother again.
Back then, I didnt understand what I had done wrong.
All I wanted was to survive, to make them all like me.
Now, all I wanted was to die.
And suddenly, my mother was calling me her precious son.
The next day, there was a family meeting.
Adam had cried all night, his eyes swollen like walnuts. He sobbed, I really didnt push him. I was just I was just scared.
Scared that when he came back, you all wouldnt want me anymore.
Scarletts heart went out to him immediately. Mom, Adam didnt mean it. Hes just insecure. Look at Caleb! Hes only been back a few days and hes turned the whole house upside down!
She pointed a finger at me, her face contorted with disgust.
Hes not normal!
My father rubbed his temples, sighing in frustration.
This cant go on. Lets find a psychiatrist for Caleb. Get him some proper help.
On the day of the appointment, I was perfectly cooperative. I answered every question the doctor asked.
Why do you keep thinking about dying?
I sat on the soft leather couch and smiled. Because its the easiest way to make all the problems disappear.
The doctor adjusted his glasses, trying to guide me. But have you ever considered that if you die, the people who love you will be very sad?
I blinked, my curiosity genuine.
Love me?
You mean like the caretakers at the orphanage, who said they loved me while they watched the other kids beat me?
Or like the man who took me, who called me his good boy while he locked me in a dog cage?
Or maybe I leaned in closer. Like my sister. Who warns me not to upset her precious brother one minute, then waits until Im half-drowned to pull me out of a pool the next?
I lowered my voice to a conspiratorial whisper.
They dont love me, Doctor. Theyre just afraid Ill die in their house and cause them trouble.
They think Im sick, that I need to be fixed.
But Im not sick. Im just listening to them.
To make them happy, Ill do whatever they ask. If they want me to die, Ill die.
Is that so wrong?
The doctors hand, pen in mid-air, froze. His face had gone deathly pale.
3
The psychiatrist reported every single word I said back to my parents.
His final diagnosis was this:
I wasnt sick.
I was simply using an extreme method to both protect myself and retaliate against the world. My mental state was a string pulled so taut that the slightest pressure could cause it to snap completely.
Wanting to die was the ultimate form of self-preservation.
After hearing this, my mother locked herself in her room for an entire day. My father chain-smoked one cigarette after another.
Only Scarlett remained convinced I was putting on an act, playing the victim to win sympathy.
Caleb is performing for you! she insisted. Youre all falling for it! He just wants to get rid of Adam!
Adam hid behind her, peeking at me timidly, but I could see a flicker of triumph in his eyes.
Mom, Dad, dont worry, he said magnanimously. Ill get along with my brother. Ill help him get better.
He probably thought that as long as Scarlett was on his side, he was untouchable.
The atmosphere in the house grew heavier, more suffocating. In an attempt to smooth things over, my parents decided to enroll me in the same elite prep school as Adam and Scarlett. They naively believed that integrating me into a normal peer environment might improve the situation.
Adam was the first to protest. His eyes widened as he screamed, Im not going to the same school as him! Everyone will make fun of me!
For the first time, my fathers tone with him was severe.
This is not up for discussion.
Adam stormed off to his room in a rage.
But I knew he wouldnt let it go that easily.
Sure enough, on my first day, I was the talk of the school. The rumor had already spread: the true Sterling heir, the one theyd found after all these years, was a lunatic, fresh out of the psych ward.
A crowd always surrounded Adam, cooing with concern before casting judgmental glances my way.
Adam, your brother looks so weird. He has such a creepy vibe
I heard he tried to kill his whole family with a gas leak! Isnt that, like, certifiably insane?
You should be careful. You don't want to get hurt.
Adam would put on a wounded expression. Please dont say that. My brother is just sick. Were family. He would never hurt me on purpose.
The more he defended me, the more monstrous I seemed to everyone else.
The isolation was swift and absolute. No one spoke to me. A chalk line was drawn around my desk. Ink was spilled on my textbooks.
I didnt care. Compared to what Id endured at the orphanage, this was childs play.
During gym class, the teacher announced free time. The student in charge of equipment sent me to the storage room to get basketballs.
The moment I stepped inside, the door clicked shut behind me. The room was plunged into darkness.
Through the door, I could hear the muffled laughter of Adam and his friends.
A psycho like that should be locked up. How could they let him out?
Hey Adam, you think hell go crazy in there and start biting himself?
Hahaha, maybe! You should crack the door and take a look!
No way, man!
Class wouldn't be over for another forty minutes. All I had to do was wait.
The darkness and the enclosed space gave me a sense of comfort I hadnt felt in years. I was even starting to feel drowsy.
After some time, an impatient voice called from outside the door.
Hey, crazy boy, you dead in there yet? Make a sound if youre not!
I ignored him.
A few moments later, the voice called again, this time with a hint of panic.
Hes not making any noise. You dont think something actually happened, do you?
Whats there to be scared of? It was Adams voice. Even if something happens, Ill still be here to take care of Mom and Dad when theyre old. Let him figure out how to break the door down himself. Lets go.
Their footsteps faded away.
I closed my eyes, ready for a peaceful nap.
Suddenly, an acrid, choking smell filled the air.
Smoke.
4
The fire spread with terrifying speed.
Within three minutes, the thick smoke made it impossible to breathe. The entire storage room had become a giant oven.
I didnt scream for help. I didnt try to break down the door.
I just hugged a basketball and curled up in the corner farthest from the flames.
My consciousness began to fade.
This is good. Finally, this time, Id succeed.
No jumping from buildings, no gas leaks, no being fished out of a pool.
Just a quiet, peaceful end that wouldn't bother anyone.
Once I got through this life, I could finally be free of this body and move on. Free from this scarred and broken shell, from wrists that had been snapped countless times, from legs covered in cigarette burns.
I would no longer have to live this painful, pathetic existence of trying to please everyone.
Just as I was about to lose consciousness, the door exploded inward with a tremendous crash.
A figure, silhouetted against the roaring flames, rushed in and yanked me up from the floor.
It was Scarlett.
Her clothes were scorched, her face streaked with soot, her eyes wide with panic and terror.
Caleb! Wake up!
She carried me out of the inferno.
A crowd had already gathered on the lawn outside. When Adam and his friends saw me being carried out, their expressions were a chaotic mix of shock, guilt, and a barely hidden flicker of disappointment.
I was laid on the grass, where I greedily gulped down fresh air.
Scarlett knelt beside me, her voice trembling with an urgency Id never heard from her before.
Are you okay? Are you hurt anywhere?
I looked at her, then pressed a hand to my side and coughed violently.
You saved me again, sister.
My gaze turned cold, yet my voice was filled with genuine regret.
Why did you have to save me? I was so close to finally dying.
The color drained from Scarletts face. She grabbed my shoulders, her voice a raw roar.
Why didnt you call for help?! Why didnt you try to break down the door?! Do you actually want to die?!
Caleb, what the hell are you trying to do?!
I didnt answer her. Instead, I looked past her, my eyes finding Adam in the crowd.
He jumped as if hed been electrocuted.
It wasnt me! I didnt start the fire! I dont know how it started!
His friends quickly chimed in.
We were long gone! It had nothing to do with us!
Caleb went to get the basketballs himself! We just showed him where the room was!
Just then, the head of campus security ran up, panting, to the school principal.
We found the cause. It was a short circuit from old wiring in the storage room.
It was just an accident.
A collective sigh of relief went through the crowd. Adam let out the biggest one of all, his composed, magnanimous mask slipping right back into place.
Caleb, Im so glad youre okay! Its all our fault. We shouldnt have played that prank on you, making you go get the equipment all by yourself.
As he spoke, he reached out a hand to help me up.
I flinched away.
It was an instinctive, reflexive motion, like that of an abused animal recoiling from a hand.
And then, in front of everyone, for the first time, I began to cry, my voice rising in a desperate, heart-wrenching wail.
Brother, Im sorry! I should have stayed in there, but I dont like dark little rooms.
Next time, could you pick a different way for me to die? Please?

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