After I Obeyed and Died, Why His Tears"

1
The day my brother Ethan ran away from home, I went out into the pouring rain to find him.
I never did. Instead, I was hit by a fallen power line.
I lost both my arms.
Just like that, my dream of becoming a doctor was replaced by the reality of being a permanent patient.
I tried to kill myself many times, but my family always pulled me back from the edge.
My brother would kneel before me, his voice choked with guilt.
"This is my fault, Ava."
"I'm begging you. Please don't die. Please?"
My mother quit her job to watch over me day and night.
"You're my whole life!" she'd cry. "If you die, what am I supposed to do?"
To cover my medical bills, my father worked himself to the bone, taking overtime, even accepting a long-term transfer overseas.
I thought, slowly, things would get better.
But just as Id finally learned to use my feet as my hands, to live again, I overheard them talking.
"If I had known... it might have been better to just let her die back then."
That evening, I went up to the roof alone.
The wind was strong. I sniffled, but I didn't cry.
"Ava! Don't move!"
My mother came running, yanking me back from the ledge with all her might.
She pulled so hard we both tumbled to the ground.
Before I could even get up, her hand flew, and a sharp, stinging slap landed on my cheek.
"Are you insane? Are you trying to kill me?"
My ear rang, my face burned.
The next second, she was holding me, crushing me against her in a desperate hug.
"If you dare jump, I'm going with you!"
Her hot tears soaked the collar of my shirt.
Ethan was there too, gasping for breath. He must have run up the stairs so fast he nearly fell.
Seeing that I was okay, his knees gave out, and he almost collapsed.
My voice was muffled against my mother's shoulder. "I wasn't going to die. I swear."
"I just came up for some air."
My mother's body tensed, but her arms only tightened around me.
After a long moment, Ethan turned away, his shoulders slumped.
"Let's go home."
Downstairs, I went through my usual routine, rinsing my feet under the faucet before sitting at the dinner table.
The food had been reheated so many times it looked wilted.
I lowered my head, clamping the spoon between my toes, and brought the food to my mouth, one slow bite at a time.
My mother sat across from me, her eyes red and swollen.
Ethan poked at his rice with his chopsticks, not eating a single grain.
"Ava," he said quietly. "My girlfriend is coming over tomorrow to discuss the engagement."
I paused for a second, then nodded.
"Okay. That's great. I'm meeting a friend tomorrow, so I won't be home for dinner."
Ethan lowered his head and shoveled a large mouthful of rice into his mouth.
We both knew the truth.
Since the accident, the only place I ever went was the hospital. I'd lost touch with everyone I used to know.
I didn't have any friends.
That night, my mother was in the bathroom, drawing my bath like she always did.
I stood in the doorway, watching her back as she bent over to test the water temperature.
"Mom."
"Can I grow my hair out?"
She straightened up slowly and turned to look at me.
"Why the sudden urge for long hair?"
I looked at my reflection in the mirror.
"Long hair... it can hide things."
"It'll be harder for people to see that I don't have any hands."
The towel in my mother's hand dropped into the bathtub.
It was a long moment before she bent to pick it up, rinsing it over and over under the running faucet.
The sound of the rushing water covered her choked sobs.
Her back was still to me when she spoke, her voice thick and nasal.
"Of course you can. My sweet girl will be the most beautiful of all with long hair."
The next morning, the doorbell woke me.
It wasn't even eight o'clock. My mother hurried to the door. "Coming!"
A bright, cheerful voice floated in.
"Hi, Auntie! Sorry to be so early. My schedule changed, so I thought I'd come over and help out."
"My parents will be here a little later."
I sat up, pushing my bedroom door open with my foot.
In the living room, a girl stood next to my brother.
She had long, flowing hair and was holding a collection of elegant gift bags.
She was smiling and talking to my mom, but when she heard me, she turned. Her eyes immediately fell on my shoulders.
2
I turned to go back into my room.
But the girl, Claudia, walked towards me with a smile.
"You must be Ava."
"Ethan talks about you all the time. It's so nice to finally meet you."
She pulled a pale gray scarf from one of the bags and gently draped it around my neck.
"I saw this on a business trip. It's cashmere, so soft."
"You have such fair skin; this color will look beautiful on you."
The scarf carried a faint, sweet perfume.
I stood frozen, my toes curling unconsciously.
"Thank you."
My brother and mother stood nearby, their expressions tense.
I looked down, wanting to back away. "I'm sorry, I have plans today, so I won't be staying for lunch."
Claudia's hand rested lightly on my shoulder. "I've come by a few times, but I always seem to miss you. Today, you're not getting away. We have to talk."
She smiled brightly. "Right, Ethan?"
My brother looked at me. "Ava, maybe you could reschedule?"
I gave a small, quiet nod.
By the time I'd washed up and was sitting on the sofa, Claudia was already in the kitchen, wearing my mother's apron and helping her cook.
She moved with an easy confidence, chatting with my mom about something that made her laugh.
Claudia placed a platter of fruit on the coffee table and sat down next to me.
"You have such beautiful eyes, Ava. You should smile more."
I stretched the corners of my mouth, unsure of what to say.
Claudia's parents arrived soon after.
They were well-dressed and polite, and the gifts they brought soon filled a corner of the coffee table.
When lunch was served, I stood up. "I think I'll just eat in my room. You all..."
Claudia stopped me, pulling a chair closer to her own. "Sit here, next to me."
My mother opened her mouth to say something; my brother hesitated.
In the end, I sat down.
At first, the conversation was light, about the weather and preliminary wedding plans.
Claudia put food on my plate, her actions so natural it was as if we'd known each other for years.
Then, I expertly picked up my soup spoon with my toes.
The smiles vanished from her parents' faces.
They put down their chopsticks and exchanged a look.
The only sound at the table was Claudia, still talking, oblivious.
After the meal, her father took a sip of tea.
"Ethan is a good boy. We don't have any special demands for the wedding; we just want you two to be happy."
He paused, his gaze slowly sweeping in my direction.
"But we do have one condition. After you're married, your new little family has to be your priority."
"Your sister has her parents to look after her. You can't keep putting her first in everything."
My brother's back went ramrod straight.
"Sir, Ava is my sister. I will never, ever abandon her."
Her father held up a hand, cutting him off.
"But you're starting your own family. You can't take care of her forever."
"I can!"
"You can't! Not if you want to marry my daughter."
The air in the room grew tight, suffocating.
"He can."
All eyes turned to me.
I stared at my empty sleeves and repeated myself. "My brother can do it."
Claudia shot to her feet. "Dad! What are you saying?"
"I will never agree to that! From now on, Ava is my sister, too."
Her father's voice rose sharply. "And what about you? What about your life? Will you always come second to her?"
He grabbed her by the wrist. "We're going home. Now."
Claudia was half-dragged, half-pushed towards the door.
She looked back at me, tears streaming down her face.
My brother pulled out a pack of cigarettes and went out onto the balcony.
I heard the click of his lighter, once, twice, three times, before a flame finally caught.
I watched him through the glass door.
His back was hunched against the wind. Puffs of smoke billowed from his lips, only to be snatched away.
In that moment, looking at my own dangling sleeves, a wave of nausea churned in my stomach.
Suddenly, I hated myself. More than anything.
3
I was woken in the middle of the night by noises from the living room.
I padded out barefoot.
My brother was bent over, hurriedly putting on his shoes.
"Ethan, where are you going?"
He froze. "Claudia snuck out. She just called me from Memorial Park."
"I have to go get her."
I paused, then nodded. "It's cold. Wear something warm."
He stood up and looked at me. "Go back to bed."
I managed a small smile. "I'll wait up. To let you and Claudia in when you get back."
He smiled, too, and reached out to ruffle my hair. "Okay."
The door clicked shut behind him.
One by one, the streetlights outside went out. The sky began to lighten.
Ethan didn't come back.
When my mother woke up, she was startled to find me curled up on the sofa.
"Ava? Why are you sleeping out here?"
"Ethan went to get Claudia. He's not back yet."
My mother dialed his number. It rang for a long time before he answered.
As she listened, the color drained from her face.
"Which hospital? We're on our way!"
She turned to me, her lips trembling. "Claudia... she was hit by a car."
The light outside the emergency room was a sterile, blinding white.
When we arrived, we saw Ethan slumped against a wall.
His clothes were dirty, and there was a dark bruise on his forehead.
Claudia's father, so composed yesterday, was now red-eyed, gripping the front of Ethan's shirt.
"This is your fault!" he roared. "All of it, you bastard!"
"If it wasn't for you, my daughter would never have run out in the middle of the night! She never would have been in this accident!"
My mother stumbled forward, bowing again and again.
"I'm so sorry. We're truly so sorry."
Her voice trembled, tears already streaming down her face. "It's our fault. We didn't raise him right."
The man shoved Ethan away and pointed a finger at my mother.
"Get out!"
"Take your son, and that... cripple, and get out! And don't you ever show your faces again!"
"If anything happens to my Claudia, I swear I'll make you pay!"
We stood there for a long, silent time.
Finally, the doors to the operating room swung open.
A doctor came out, pulling off his mask. "The patient is stable for now, but she'll need to be monitored."
Claudia's parents rushed to his side.
Ethan took a half-step forward, then stopped.
My mother put a hand on his arm. "Let's go. Let's go home for now."
The car ride back was completely silent.
Ethan gripped the steering wheel, his knuckles white.
I sat in the back, staring at the back of his head.
For a split second, I saw him quickly raise a hand and wipe at his eye.
When we got home, I went straight to my room.
I don't know how much time passed before I heard a muffled sob from the living room.
"Mom, it was me. It's all my fault. I'm the one who hurt Claudia."
"If something really happens to her..."
"Why didn't I just agree yesterday? Why didn't I just say yes?"
His sobs grew louder, more ragged.
And then, I heard his voice, ragged and hoarse:

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