Longing Flows Backward
Faced with my fury, my husband offered no explanation. He just watched me break, his expression unnervingly calm.
That same night, he had men bind me and throw me in prison.
Before they took me away, he cooked a large meal for me, his voice a gentle poison.
Brenda, you frightened Chloe yesterday. Go cool off for a few days. Ill calm her down, and then Ill come get you.
But a few days turned into ten years.
When I was released, I found a small town and started a new life under a new name, working as a waitress in a diner.
Until I saw him again. My ex-husband, Nick.
He stood there in a tailored suit, his presence calm and commanding. He froze when he saw me, and then his eyes reddened as he grabbed my hand.
Brenda, youre out. Why didnt you tell me?
These years have you been okay?
I gave a bitter smile, touching my head through my beanie.
I have no hair left. Ten years of torment had given me cancer. By my count, I have a month to live, at most.
...
I didnt answer him. I just pulled the sleeves of my worn cotton jacket down, trying to hide the dense cluster of needle marks on my arms.
Nick wouldnt let it go. He opened his mouth to speak again, but my boss yelled from across the room.
Davis, stop dawdling! Get over here and clear that table!
Coming! I called back, not daring to look at Nick again. I fled.
In my peripheral vision, I saw him start to call after me, but his mouth closed without a sound.
Later, I brought out his order.
Hed only ordered a single dish of braised fish, a bowl of spicy lamb soup, and a bottle of wine.
I frowned. Hes allergic to fish and hates the gamy taste of lamb. But they were my two favorite dishes.
A cruel irony, since the stomach cancer meant I hadnt been able to eat them in years.
I placed the dishes in front of him, my face a blank mask.
Sir, your order is complete. Please enjoy.
I turned to leave, but his hand shot out and gripped my sleeve.
Brenda, I ordered all of this for you. Sit down. Have a drink with me, please?
I froze, my mind flashing back to the night he sent me away. He had prepared my favorite foods then, too, right before condemning me to a decade in hell.
Seeing my silence, he continued, his voice pleading.
Im begging you. Just let me talk to you for a minute
I sighed and sat down across from him.
He poured me a glass of wine.
Brenda, I was supposed to pick you up when you were released, but I couldnt find you anywhere.
They all said they said you were dead.
I didnt touch the wine or the food. Im not. Sorry to disappoint you, Nick.
His reaction was unexpectedly emotional. He leaned forward, grabbing both of my hands.
Brenda, I know I wronged you. Please, come back with me. Ill make it up to you, I swear!
Your fathers sixtieth birthday is in three days. Come with me, and Ill explain everything to him.
Explain. Ten years ago, to appease my adopted sister, Chloe, and to keep me from exposing their affair, Nick had forged evidence that Id taken bribes at my company. It earned me a ten-year sentence for a crime I didnt commit.
And my parents? They didnt even question it. They disowned me on the spot, calling me a parasite on society.
His words brought all the pain and despair of those years rushing back. I fought to suppress a tidal wave of agony, but my body betrayed me, trembling uncontrollably.
Explain? What is there to explain?
Are you going to explain your sordid little affair with Chloe?
My voice was louder than I intended, sharp with emotion.
Instantly, curious, gossiping eyes from the surrounding tables turned towards us.
I shot to my feet and walked away.
I thought that would be the last Id see of Nick.
After all, how much genuine remorse could the man who personally cast me into hell truly feel?
But the next morning, when I arrived for my shift, he was already there, waiting by the door.
He strode towards me as I approached.
Brenda, you were a top-tier engineer. Are you really content wasting away in a place like this?
I laughed, a cold, sharp sound. But youre the one who ruined my life, remember? Doesnt it make you sick to say things like that now?
He flinched, a flicker of panic in his eyes. He opened his mouth to explain, but I pushed past him and went inside.
Nick didnt leave. He ordered a plate of food and a pot of tea and sat there all day.
I ignored him, going about my work as usual.
Near the end of my shift, a sharp, twisting pain shot through my stomach. A metallic, sweet liquid surged up my throat.
I fought it down, stumbling back a step. In my daze, I bumped a table, knocking a glass of red wine all over a customer.
The wine soaked his shirt.
The man stared for a second, and before I could even apologize, his hand cracked across my face.
What the hell is wrong with you? Are you blind? This shirt is designer, you think you can afford to replace it?
He grew more agitated as he spoke, ignoring my apologies. He kicked me hard in the stomach, sending me sprawling to the floor. Then he picked up the bottle of wine from his table and poured it over my head.
I couldnt hold it back any longer. A strangled cry escaped my lips as I coughed up a mouthful of blood.
The crimson mixed with the red wine, staining my clothes in a grotesque pattern.
Still not satisfied, the man raised his foot to kick me again, but someone shoved him aside.
Nick stood over me, his eyes bloodshot with fury, a protective shield. He roared, Id like to see anyone touch her!
The man started to curse, but when he saw the feral look in Nicks eyes, a flicker of fear crossed his face. He muttered a few more insults and then scurried out of the diner.
Nick gently helped me up, his face etched with concern.
Brenda, the blood
I glanced down at the red mess on my shirt and stammered, Its just the wine.
I pushed him away and ran.
The next day, I quit my job.
Id only been working to pay for chemotherapy drugs. Since I was going to die soon anyway, there was no point.
Besides, my greatest wish now was to get as far away from Nick and his world as possible.
I wanted to die in peace.
Quitting was easy. I just told my boss, collected my final paycheck, and left.
As I walked out, I remembered my last medical report was still at the hospital. I decided to pick it up and buy some more painkillers while I was there.
But just as I collected the report, I saw a familiar figure.
My adopted sister, Chloe.
And standing beside her were Nick and my own parents.
Chloe saw me first. She froze, staring in disbelief. Brenda? Youre not dead?
I glanced at the bag of medicine in her hand. It was from the maternity ward. The name on the bag read: Chloe.
Then I saw her swollen belly and the intimate way Nick stood beside her. I didnt need any more clues.
Even after ten years, seeing it with my own eyes felt like a piece of my heart had been carved out.
I laughed, a sound full of self-mockery. Still alive. Sorry to disappoint you.
A dark look flashed across Chloes face, but she quickly replaced it with a wounded expression.
Brenda, I know you hate that I married Nick.
But you two were divorced. And after what you did ten years ago you couldnt expect him to wait for you forever, could you?
Nick chimed in. Our parents are here. Just apologize properly. Its Dads birthday tomorrow. Im sure theyll forgive you.
I sneered. It was their fault, and they wanted me to apologize?
You know exactly what happened ten years ago, I said, my voice sharp. Why should I be the one to apologize?
At that, my parents finally noticed me.
They looked much older. Not yet sixty, but their hair was almost completely white, their backs stooped. They stared at me, stunned.
My mother was the first to speak, her brow furrowed.
Why are you so thin? Are you on drugs?
You were trouble ten years ago, and you still are. You didnt even come to us after you got out. You must have a guilty conscience!
I was floored. It took me a moment to process what she was saying.
How utterly laughable. After ten years apart, there was no concern, no question about my health. Her first instinct was to suspect me of being a drug addict. That was the image they held of me.
I laughed, and tears streamed down my face.
My father frowned at my laughter. Your mothers right. Youre unnaturally thin.
Without another word, he grabbed my arm and started dragging me towards the hospitals lab. Come with me for a drug test!
He shouted, drawing a crowd of onlookers. In the struggle, he shoved me, and I fell, my head hitting the corner of a nearby table. Blood trickled down my forehead.
The surge of emotion brought on another wave of intense pain in my stomach. Cold sweat soaked through my clothes.
Then, Nick spoke, his tone a sickening mix of gentleness and concern.
Brenda, I didn't notice yesterday, but you really are just listen to them. Go take the test.
If theres a problem, well help you get clean. Its not too late to turn back.
Chloe feigned concern as well. Sister, I know youve been through a lot, but you cant keep making mistakes!
That same condescending tone.
Why?
Why did they get to decide who I was? Why did I have to pay the price for their twisted fantasies?
My father tried to grab me again. I pushed his hand away and struggled to my feet.
Fine, I said, my voice ragged. Ill go.
I limped into the testing room.
The results, of course, were clean. A flicker of embarrassment crossed my parents faces, but there was no apology.
My mother just glanced at me and said awkwardly, Well, thats that. Lets go home. Its your fathers sixtieth tomorrow. Make sure youre there.
I took a step back, putting distance between us.
You were right all those years ago. Im not your daughter. We cut ties a long time ago.
I wont be coming to the party. Happy birthday to him.
With that, I gave them a slight bow, turned my back on their curses and pleas, and walked out of the hospital.
On the morning of my fathers sixtieth birthday, I woke up and coughed up more blood.
The pain was now a constant companion, a fire burning inside me. It came in waves so intense they nearly brought me to my knees. I knew the cancer was accelerating. Every day was a new form of torture.
I probably wouldnt even last the month.
Just as I wiped the blood from my lips, there was a knock at the door. It was Nick.
I had no desire to see him. Nick, your wife is pregnant, I said through the door. Its not appropriate for a husband to be visiting his ex-wife so often.
His voice was grim on the other side. Brenda, I know you hate me. We can talk about us later.
Today is your fathers birthday. You have to be there. Were a family. We need to talk this out.
I didnt want to go, but the cancer had left me too weak to resist. He was forceful, pulling me into his car without another word.
During the drive, he kept glancing at me in the rearview mirror. Finally, he couldnt hold it in any longer.
Brenda, why are you so thin?
I ran a finger over the needle marks on my hand and gave a bitter smile.
Terminal cancer. Would you believe that?
Nick was stunned for a moment, then he laughed.
Brenda, dont say things like that. You cant joke about something so serious.
How could you have cancer? You must be on some crazy diet. Ive always told you, a little meat on your bones looks good. Dont be so anxious about your figure
I didnt really hear the rest of what he said. I just nodded.
Youre right. I was joking. I dont have cancer. Just a crazy diet.
The rest of the ride was silent.
We arrived just as the party was starting. I kept my eyes down, standing off to the side, a silent ghost at the feast. My parents, by some unspoken agreement, didnt introduce me to anyone.
Instead, Chloe played the part of the devoted daughter, with Nick as the perfect son-in-law, mingling with the guests.
I was the outsider.
As the party was winding down, a swarm of reporters burst in, surrounding Chloe.
Ms. Chloe, is it true that your current husband was once your brother-in-law?
How long has this scandalous affair been going on? Was your sisters sudden criminal breakdown related to this?
Faced with the onslaught, Chloes eyes immediately filled with tears. Under the blinding flash of cameras, she dropped to her knees right in front of me.
Sister, Im begging you, please leave me alone.
Nick and I only got together after you were divorced. Please, call off the reporters. I I cant take this.
This time, before I could even react, my mothers hand struck my face.
You wretched girl! How could you do this to your sister!
Nick helped Chloe to her feet, his eyes a mixture of complex emotions and disgust as he looked at me.
Brenda, you refused all my offers of help, and this was your plan all along? To go after Chloe? You disgust me!
I was stunned. This wasnt me, I pleaded. I dont know anything about this.
My father was shaking with rage. You monster! And you still dare to lie!
Look at you, thin as a rail! I dont know how you cheated that drug test, but now youre trying to ruin your sister!
Youre my daughter! You think I dont know what youre capable of?!
He grew more and more agitated, his chest heaving. Someone! Bring me the whip!
A long, leather whip was brought to him.
Without a word, he swung it, and it cracked against my body.
The thin fabric of my shirt tore, revealing an angry red welt. Blood trickled down my skin.
I coughed up more blood, but this time, I gripped the windowsill, refusing to fall.
The irony was that a flicker of pity crossed Nicks eyes. He even tried to reason with me.
Brenda, just give in. Apologize to Chloe. Were all family here
Apologize? I ground out the word, glaring at the people before me. Why should I apologize for something I didnt do?
Then, under the shocked gazes of the guests and the flashing cameras, I tore off my shirt, leaving me in just a thin tank top.
A collective gasp went through the room. My skeletal frame was a canvas of scars, old and new, crisscrossing in a horrific pattern. My arms were covered in a dense tapestry of needle marks.
I pointed to the scars, my voice ringing out, directed at Nick.
Ten years ago, all I did was walk in on you with my adopted sister, and you forged evidence to send me to prison.
You said youd come get me after you calmed Chloe down. I waited ten years. I begged them every day to let me see you, and all I got in return was a decade of beatings and abuse.
I turned to my parents, who were frozen in shock.
You wanted to know why Im so thin?
I laughed, a sound of pure release.
Because the abuse gave me cancer. I have only days left to live.
Im a waitress now. How could I possibly have the connections to hire reporters?
My father was trembling. The whip fell from his hand with a clatter.
Nick and my parents clung to each other, taking a step towards me, but I backed away, pressing myself against the open window.
I fought back the searing pain from the cancer, my gaze sweeping over their three pale, horrified faces.
Remember this, I said, my voice cold and clear. You killed Brenda. My own parents and you, Nick. You murdered me.
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