No Love Left, No Heartbeat
When she saw my mother wheeling me out, Sophias lips twisted into a sneer.
Well, well. Seven years. You look like hell. Can't even walk on your own two feet now?
Her voice dripped with contempt, but I just calmly tugged the sleeve of my puffer jacket down, hiding the dense constellation of needle marks on the back of my hand.
Its nothing. I took a bad fall, just a fracture.
Another smirk. Since youre so fragile, you can be a groomsman for my fianc. Im getting married soon, you know.
I managed a weak, placid smile. I cant. I have to go somewhere very far away.
With that, I patted my mothers hand, a silent plea for her to wheel me home, now.
1
Back home, my mother had just helped me into bed when Sophias mother showed up at our door.
She stepped inside, her eyes darting toward me, her words hesitant. Liam, I I have a favor to ask. An improper one.
Her face was flushed. She didnt have to say another word. I knew. It was the same look shed worn seven years ago.
I remembered it perfectly. The moment shed learned about my diagnosis, shed burst into my hospital room, frantic, a shadow of guilt in her eyes. I hadn't even processed the word 'cancer' myself. I was terrified, sobbing like my life was already over, and she just dropped to her knees in front of me.
Liam, Im begging you. Dont drag Sophia down with you. She just got her acceptance letter. If she finds out you have cancer, shell never leave.
You and Sophia grew up together, youve been in love for so long. Please, for my sake, dont ruin her future. Break up with her. Please.
Ive already worked it all out. Ive arranged for a girl to help. All you have to do is pretend to kiss her downstairs. Let Sophia catch you. Then you just have to pretend to break her heart.
Because of her words, the first thing I did after my diagnosis wasnt to seek treatment. It was to stage a cold, cruel betrayal. I forced a breakup, and with it, I forced Sophia out of the country.
Just as I expected, Sophias mother finally got the words out, her voice thick with feigned remorse. Liam, dont blame me. I have no choice. Sophias fianc now he was with her through grad school and his PhD. Theyre a perfect match in every way. I just I cant let anything ruin such a perfect marriage.
She wrung her hands. You know how attached shes always been to you. If if she found out the truth about what happened back then, Im afraid Im so afraid
Her eyes hardened. So, can you just avoid seeing her for a while? Youre youre dying anyway, arent you? Its not like you should be going out much. Right?
At the word dying, my mother snapped. She slammed a pack of my adult diapers onto the bed, her body trembling with rage. Seeing she was about to explode, I quickly grabbed her arm, then turned my calm gaze to Sophias mother.
Maam, I can promise you I wont tell Sophia the truth about seven years ago. But I cant promise not to see her.
I couldnt.
For seven agonizing years, there wasnt a moment I didnt think of her.
When the chemo became unbearable, I would clutch an old photo of us, the faded image giving me the strength to endure. Id gone through dozens of surgeries, big and small. A few times, I was rushed to the ER, slipping away, unable to wake up.
It was my mothers voice, raw and desperate at my bedside, that pulled me back.
Liam, dont you remember? You promised you would live! You said youd go find her, clear up the misunderstanding yourself!
You promised that when you were better, I would take you to find her! If you die, youll never see Sophia again!
Her cries, always laced with Sophias name, were the lifeline that dragged me back from the brink, time and time again.
But in the end, I still lost the fight.
And Sophia had a new life, a new love. She was getting married.
Still, just to be near her for a little while, in my final days that would be enough. It was why, when the doctor said leaving the hospital meant certain death, I still forced myself out of that bed. I had to see her.
2
I didnt expect it to be so soon. Just after Sophias mother left, I drifted into an exhausted sleep. When I woke, I heard her voice outside my room.
Sophias voice. In my home. I was stunned.
Seven years ago, she hated me with every fiber of her being. Shed stood outside my door for three days and three nights, her face streaked with tears, demanding to know why I betrayed her. When I coldly told her I didnt love her anymore, she slapped me, her hand shaking, over and over again.
After that, she couldnt even stand the sight of me. If she saw me in the hallway, shed turn and walk the other way. Passing my apartment, shed physically cringe. She stopped going to the corner store we used to visit together. The mere mention of my name was enough to make her snap at whoever said it. Why are you talking about Liam? You might not find it disgusting, but I do.
The day she left for the airport, I ran out in a downpour, desperate for one last look. When she saw me, she just scoffed, took off the matching ring wed bought together, and smashed it on the ground at my feet along with the phone that held all our photos. Then she walked away without a backward glance.
But now, seven years later, she was here.
It only took a moment, peering through the crack in my bedroom door, to understand why.
She was holding her fiancs hand tightly.
Auntie, are you still upset about what happened seven years ago? Is that why you dont want Liam to help us pick a wedding planner and rings?
She sounded so reasonable, so detached. Im over Liam. We grew up together, after all. If we cant be lovers, we can at least be friends.
The man beside her, Ryan, chimed in smoothly. Its alright, Maam. Sophia told me all about her history with Liam. I know he cheated back then, but they were young. It takes two to tango, Im sure Sophia wasnt perfect either.
He smiled, a perfect, charming smile. Besides, I should thank him. If he hadnt let Sophia go, I never would have met such an amazing woman.
He put his arm around her. So really, theres no need to dwell on the past. It was my idea to ask Liam for help. Weve been out of the country for seven years, were out of touch. We cant just let the older generation decide everything, their sense of style is a little dated.
Seven years ago, my greatest wish was for Sophia to forget me, to move on. But hearing her speak of our past so calmly, hearing her share our story with another man a thousand tiny needles pricked at my heart.
My mother, however, was focused on Ryans words. Cheated. Let her go. Her eyes flared with rage. Her lips trembled, and she finally roared at Sophia.
Youre just as shameless as your mother!
My heart seized. I forced my weak body to sit up. Mom, I called out, my voice strained. Come in here. Help me into my wheelchair. Ill talk to them.
3
My mother came in, her face still a mask of fury.
But I just reached out and hugged her. Mom, please. Let me do this. Think of it as my dying wish.
Her eyes instantly welled with tears, but she nodded. She went to the closet, got my wig, and helped me into my jacket.
The moment she wheeled me out, Sophias brow furrowed. What is wrong with you? You were lazy as a kid, and youre even lazier now. Its just a broken leg. Youre making your mother wait on you hand and foot at her age.
Her disgust was a physical blow. I forced a smile. The doctor said its a bad break. I have to stay off it for a while.
Ryan stepped forward, his expression all sympathy. Dont mind Sophia, Liam. She got used to being blunt overseas. Shes like this with everyone. He grinned, adding, Except me, of course.
A fresh wave of bitterness washed over me. Sophia was cold to everyone, it was true. But with me, before
I pushed the thought away and looked at Ryan. Are you sure you want me to help you pick a wedding planner?
Of course, of course, he said, nodding eagerly.
I nodded back. If you really need me, Ill go with you.
After a few more minutes of strained pleasantries, they left.
That night, my phone rang. It was Sophia.
She told me to be ready tomorrow. We were going to the wedding planners office.
My fingers gripped the phone so tightly my knuckles turned white. I was greedy for the sound of her voice, but my stomach was in knots. It had been seven years since Id heard her speak to me like this, one-on-one, over the phone. We used to do it every night, tucked into our beds, her voice lulling me to sleep.
As I was lost in the memory, a mans voice echoed faintly through the receiver.
Sophia, come on. Let me dry your hair
The sound jolted me back to reality. Okay, I managed to choke out.
The second she heard my reply, she hung up.
The dial tone droned in my ear. A familiar sting pricked my eyes, and I fought to swallow the tears back down. Id prepared myself for this. But seeing it, hearing itthe girl who was once my entire world now belonging to someone elseit still hurt more than I could have imagined.
4
Sophia had told me to be ready at 10 a.m.
Anxious, I had my mom wheel me downstairs at 9:30, just to be safe.
But by noon, she still hadnt shown up.
The calls I made went straight to voicemail.
My mother tried to coax me back upstairs several times, but I refused. It had taken so much of my dwindling strength just to get out of the apartment. This might be my last time outdoors. I wasnt going to waste it.
Finally, at 1 p.m., my phone rang. It was Sophia. They were on their way down.
My mom was visibly upset, and it took all my effort to convince her to put on a neutral face.
Once I was settled in the back seat of their car, Ryan turned to me with a sheepish smile. Sorry about that, Liam. Sophia and I well, we were up a little late last night. We both overslept this morning. Hope we didnt keep you waiting too long.
My hand clenched into a fist in my lap.
From the driver's seat, Sophia glanced at me in the rearview mirror, her expression cold. Why are you explaining anything to him? she said flatly to Ryan.
The words were like a shard of ice in my chest. I said nothing, just turned and waved a final, weak goodbye to my mother on the curb.
Sophia drove fast, erratically. The car lurched and swayed, and a familiar wave of nausea rose in my throat. I gritted my teeth and held it down.
I couldn't help but remember. Seven years ago, when she first got her license, she would drive me everywhere in her dad's car. She knew I got carsick easily, so she always drove with painstaking care, smooth and steady. I always got sick in taxis and buses, but never, not once, in Sophias car.
Suddenly, she slammed on the brakes. My weak body, unable to brace itself, was thrown hard against the seatback. A violent heave convulsed my stomach, and a soft whimper escaped my lips before I could stop it.
Sophia heard it. A cruel laugh echoed from the front seat. What, Liam? Did you really think Id still drive carefully for you? No sudden stops, no sharp turns?
I silently wiped away a tear that had escaped and traced a path down my temple. No, I said, my voice steady. You should be careful for Ryan now. Hes the one youre with.
She laughed again, a sharp, bitter sound. Youre damn right about that.
Then she floored it.
My body slammed against the seat again, a sharp pain radiating through my back. But this time, a small, sad smile touched my lips.
Hate was better than indifference. At least in her heart, while I was still alive, I still held a place.
5
The agonizing drive didn't last much longer. We arrived at our destination.
Ryan helped me out of the car while Sophia unfolded my wheelchair. For a fleeting second, as she leaned over me, I caught the scent of her hair, that familiar, light fragrance. My eyes burned, and for a moment, I thought I would break down. I used to love burying my face in her hair, kissing the top of her head.
The moment was gone as quickly as it came. They settled me into the chair and immediately stepped back. Sophia pulled two wet wipes from her purse and began scrubbing her hands with a frantic energy.
Ryan gave me an apologetic look. Sorry about that, Liam. Shes a bit of a germaphobe. Cant stand being touched by any man except for me.
I looked down, my jaw tight, pretending I hadnt seen her disgusted scrubbing, pretending I hadnt heard his words.
I let them wheel me into a Chinese restaurant, their hands linked together.
At the table, Sophia took charge, ordering several spicy dishes without even glancing at the menu. I recognized them immediately. My heart sank. I never ate spicy food. She never used to, either. It was painfully obvious who they were for.
I wasnt about to torture myself. These days, even eating was a struggle, let alone something so harsh. I quietly asked the waiter for a simple, clear vegetable soup.
For some reason, this set Sophia off.
Youre already thin as a ghost, and now youre eating like a rabbit.
Her sudden, sharp concern sent a wave of bittersweet warmth through my chest. But it vanished as quickly as it came. I smiled faintly. Jessica likes me lean. Says Ill look better in a tux when we get married.
Jessica. The name Sophias mother had fabricated for my affair. The girl I hadnt seen since Sophia left the country.
Sophias face went pale with rage.
Ryan immediately jumped in, laughing it off. Dont mind her, Liam. Sophias a doctor now, so she gets worked up whenever she sees someone dieting. She used to yell at me about it all the time back in the States. He turned to her, his smile unwavering. Right, Sophia?
But Sophia wasnt looking at him. She shot to her feet, shoving her chair back with a screech. Im going to the restroom.
Without another glance at either of us, she stalked away.
Watching her retreating back, a familiar ache spread through me. Had I screwed it up again? Ruined her new life, sabotaged her new love?
Guilt churned in my stomach. Across the table, Ryans smile vanished. He picked up a glass of hot water and, in one swift motion, flung it directly in my face.
You think Im an idiot, Liam? he hissed, his voice low and menacing. Playing the victim, trying to win my fiance back with your little pity party.
The hot water stung my skin, but I just clenched my fists, my voice filled with genuine remorse. Im sorry. If I gave you the wrong impression, I apologize.
He scoffed and stood up, circling the table to loom over me. He grabbed the collar of my shirt, twisting it tight. You think faking a broken leg is going to make her come running back to you?
Let me tell you something. Sophia is mine for life. Dont think you can just waltz back in and snatch her away because you were her first love.
His grip tightened, cutting off my air. I could tolerate the water; I deserved it for indulging my selfish desire to be near her. But I didnt want a public scene. I just wanted a few peaceful moments.
I tried to stay calm, patting his hand weakly. Ryan, Im sorry. I really am.
But then he let out a short, sharp laugh. Before I could react, he released my collar and slammed his fist into my nose.
A blinding flash of pain, and blood gushed warm and sticky down my face. On instinct, I shoved him back. What are you doing? Touch me again and Im calling the police.
But as my hand made contact, something bizarre happened. Ryan stumbled backward as if hit by a truck, crashing into the wall behind him. His head hit the plaster with a sickening thud, and he slid to the floor, blood trickling from his forehead.
Help! he screamed, his voice filled with theatrical panic. Hes trying to kill me! Someone help!
I stared at my hands in disbelief. Id been sick for seven years. Getting dressed was exhausting. Sometimes I couldnt even hold a glass of water steady. There was no way I had the strength to push him that hard. My shove had been defensive, a desperate attempt to create space.
While I was still reeling, Sophia reappeared. She saw Ryan on the floor and rushed to his side. Ryan! Ryan, are you okay?
He clutched her hand, his face a mask of pain and fear. Sophia it was Liam. Hes trying to kill me.
His words came out in ragged gasps. The moment you left, he started insulting me. He said you were just trash he threw away, that he could have you back anytime he wanted and youd come crawling back. I couldnt take it I threw some water on him.
But that just made him angrier! He called me a worthless piece of crap, a loser who picks up his sloppy seconds! I lost my temper and I hit him. And then then he just shoved me. He threw me against the wall.
I listened, frozen, as his lies filled the air. My lips trembled, and it took several tries before I could form words.
Sophia, listen to me it wasnt like that.
I I didnt.
Her face contorted into a mask of pure fury. You are the most vile person I have ever known, Liam! she shrieked, her voice echoing through the restaurant. Seven years ago, you shamelessly cheated on me with another woman. And now that Im about to get married, you decide you want me back? You attack my fianc?
She marched over to me, her hand flashing out, slapping me hard across the face, once, twice, three times. Then, with a furious scream, she grabbed the back of my wheelchair and shoved it with all her might.
The chair slammed into the table. Dishes shattered on the floor. The table overturned, and my wheelchair tipped with it.
My head struck the corner of the table with a sickening crack, and the world exploded in a flash of white. My ears rang, my body convulsed.
Through a blurry haze, I saw Sophia ignore me completely. She was on the floor, cradling Ryan, kissing his forehead as he moaned about his head hurting.
Ryan, honey, are you okay? Im taking you to the hospital right now.
She helped him to his feet, and without a single glance back at me, they left.
As they disappeared through the door, I saw Ryan look over his shoulder, a triumphant, mocking smile on his face.
And I I started to laugh. A wet, broken laugh that turned into tears.
I remembered my senior year of high school. Id taken a job as a busboy at a bar to save up for Sophias graduation present. One night, a customer with certain tastes wouldn't leave me alone. I fought him off, throwing a dozen punches, but he left my face a swollen, bloody mess.
When I got home, Sophia took one look at me and burst into tears. She kissed every bruise, every cut on my face, sobbing into my chest, asking me why I would be so stupid, why I would get so hurt over a stupid gift.
Back then, her world revolved around me.
Now, her world revolved around another man.
My heart ached with a pain that felt like it was tearing me apart, but underneath it, there was a strange sense of relief.
It was good. The girl I loved more than life itself would have someone else to cherish her, to love her with that same intensity, long after I was gone.
The world was spinning. Blood and tears mixed, dripping from my face. Restaurant staff were gathering around me. I could feel my life draining away, a familiar sensation from all the times Id almost given up.
But I couldnt close my eyes. I had to protect her. I couldnt let the girl I loved get in trouble because of me.
Staying conscious was agony, but I held on. I had to.
Finally, the flashing lights of an ambulance, the uniforms of paramedics and police.
Strength gave out. I grabbed an officers arm, my grip surprisingly tight.
Tell my mother not to press charges, I rasped, each word a monumental effort. Tell her this was my choice.
Tell her Im sorry. I I cant be with her anymore.
My heart felt hollow, but strangely, there were no regrets.
I had fought cancer for seven years, waited for seven years, all for one dream.
To see Sophia one last time.
I had seen her. My dream was fulfilled. It was enough.
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