Tell My Ex To Take The Picture

It was the night Devons on-screen romance with his co-star, Anya Wells, went viralagain.
I ripped open a bag of sea salt and vinegar chips with enthusiasm, clicked on the fan-made compilation video, and started weeping openly over their sweet, destined love.
Devon sighed beside me. Its all just promotion, Jo. Its not real. Dont get upset.
I lifted my tear-drenched eyes. Im not upset. I genuinely think you guys have amazing chemistry.
The videos soundtrack swelled as every on-screen kiss flashed by, each one looking utterly consuming and impossible to stop.
They looked like two people who were truly meant to be, which only fueled the fandoms favorite comment:
The timing is everything. If only his girlfriend had never been in the picture.
I took a deep, shuddering breath.
Devon, I said. Lets break up.
I watched his eyes widen in stunned disbelief.
It hit me thenthis was the seventh year of my relationship with Devon Shaw.
He was finally a household name, the big star, and I was just the plain, undeserving civilian girlfriend the publicand his fansloved to hate.
When a female colleague was attacked by rumors, Devon would shield her, offering careful, public comfort and concern.
But when I was the one being shredded by the online mob for dating himlabeled the extra baggage and the stale older womanhe just told me calmly: Look, the audience is obsessed with me and Anya. Theyre still invested in the characters. Try not to overreact.
But now that I was finally taking his advice and stepping away, why did he suddenly look so panicked?
1
Devon looked like he hadn't processed my words.
After a long silence, he said flatly, I need to hear the real reason, Josie.
I shrugged. That is the reason.
He stared into my eyes, thinking he saw right through me.
Its about the shoot, isnt it, Jo? Youre getting paranoid and insecure again?
He emphasized the word again.
It was true. My lack of security had always made me fret and spiral.
Especially over the last two years, right as Devons career took off.
Hed join a set and suddenly, texts wouldnt be returned and calls wouldnt be answered.
Where he was shooting, who he was working withhe never told me anything.
Most of the time, I learned about his life by refreshing Twitter and watching paparazzi leaks from the set.
In those short videos, holding, hugging, and passionate kissing were just part of the job.
I would often watch them, my mind uncontrollably conjuring up intimate scenarios of him with other women, and then I wouldnt sleep.
Maybe I was just too small-minded.
A few times, when I couldnt stand it, I called him, only to be met with Devons cold, immediate hang-up.
When we finally saw each other, his first response was always to criticize me:
Ive told you so many times. I have to commit to the role. I have to be completely immersed in the script, and I cant be distracted by outside people or things. As a professional actors girlfriend, you have to understand me, you have to support me. You cant just cause trouble. Get it?
2
I had tried my best not to cause trouble.
There was only one time Id truly slipped. We hadnt seen each other in over three months, and I missed Devon desperately.
I checked his schedule in advance, making sure he had the day off to come visit the set.
I waited in line for three hours to buy his favorite artisanal pastries.
But then a sudden, torrential downpour hit New York.
The production crew quickly moved a major rain-soaked scene to that day.
Because of my unscheduled arrival, Devon couldnt get into the headspace for his kiss scene, and the director called for multiple retakes.
Devon was usually polite and charming to everyone, never losing his temper on set. He apologized profusely to the crew for the delays.
But he saved all his rage for me.
He even threw the box of pastries Id bought.
Jocelyn, who told you to come here? Take your damn junk and get out!
Tears blurred my vision.
Devon Shaw, youre an asshole! You only ever yell at me! I saw you were busy, and I immediately went to the break room to wait. How was I causing trouble? Im done with this! Were breaking up!
Hearing the word break up, Devon froze for two seconds.
He clenched his fists, forcing down his anger.
He shoved me into a chair and kissed mea desperate, rough, hungry kiss that was half kiss and half savage bite.
We can fight, but dont ever threaten to leave me again.
Today, Devon was trying the same move.
I took a step back.
He missed.
Devon rubbed his temples, patiently explaining, Anya is a newcomer. Shes young, it takes her a minute to snap out of character, okay? Is that wrong? Shes a colleague, and she was crying, so I offered comfort. Is that wrong? Can you please stop being so suspicious? You make me feel like a total jerk. Im under so much pressure...
He rambled on and on.
I didnt hear a word.
My mind was stuck on the live stream from earlier today.
Devon and Anya had stared into each others eyes, and both had burst into tears.
I didn't understand.
In the show, the couple got their happy ending.
The show was a massive hit, earning critical acclaim.
So why were they both crying?
Devon had instinctively raised his hand to wipe Anya's tears, paused mid-air, and then awkwardly switched to patting her on the head.
That one tiny detail was enough for the CP fandom to churn out countless videos.
The caption: Your tears are still wet on your face, but I no longer have the right to wipe them away.
Before, I would have been consumed by jealousy and demanded that Devon grovel.
But not now.
It turns out that when a relationship truly reaches its end, it really is like stagnant water. There are no more waves to be made.
Youre right, Devon. You didnt do anything wrong. But I still want to break up today.
3
My stubbornness finally depleted Devons patience.
He was rushing to catch a flight and didnt have time for this drama, so he threw out his usual parting shot: Just go cool off for a while.
It was his most common solution to our problems.
Hed just wash his hands of it.
The next time we met, wed kiss and make up, and wed both pretend the argument never happened.
To him, silence meant resolution.
But with me, every incident was carefully cataloged.
A few days later, I signed a lease transfer agreement for my flower shop.
Ms. Reid, your business is always doing so well. Why are you giving it up? the new owner asked.
I looked at my shop, feeling a deep, wrenching sadness. I had poured years of my life into this place.
Because Im leaving New York soon.
Devon and I were both from Santa Monica.
Years ago, he moved to New York to chase his dreams, and I quit my job and followed him.
In the beginning, we were dirt poor, living in a ten-foot windowless box where the monthly rent was six hundred dollars and the windows barely peeked above ground level.
Passersby were always peeking in.
New York was so luxurious.
And we were like rats living in the sewer.
The winters here were bone-chilling.
I bought a secondhand space heater, and one night it malfunctioned and started a fire.
When Devon heard the news, he borrowed a friends car and drove seven hours overnight to get back.
Hes a man who puts almost all of his emotion into his acting.
Hes usually distant and cool in everyday life.
But that night, he held me and cried so hard he was practically hyperventilating.
Josie, this is my fault. Im making you suffer. I promise Ill make it big. Ill make so much money, and Ill love you and cherish you forever!
Seven years later.
Devons career had soared, and our problems had multiplied.
It was unavoidable.
Im a person who is cripplingly anxious about intimacy and security.
And Devon is an actor.
His job required filming intensely intimate scenes, shoving his entire soul into another identity, and imagining himself falling in love with another person as his character.
Once, he had a fiercely passionate kiss scene with an actress.
It was a crucial, famous scene that marked the climax of the characters emotional entanglement.
They kissed until they were both crying, spontaneously embracing and kissing for a long time, not even hearing the director yell Cut!
They ended up falling onto the bed, bodies pressing close, tearing at each others clothes.
The things that happened after were not in the script.
It was a subconscious reaction born of genuine, raw emotion.
The director applauded wildly. Thats fantastic! Were keeping thatthey really committed to the feeling!
As fate would have it, that day was Devons birthday, and I had come to surprise him with a gift.
Honestly, seeing that scene was agonizing.
But what could I do?
It was his job.
Even getting mad or being jealous made me look like a hysterical idiot.
That lack of security made me anxious, sensitive, and obsessively controlling.
I checked his phone while he was showering.
He caught me.
He was furious.
Jocelyn, what is wrong with you? Dont you have anything better to do? Dont you have a life?
A brutal trio of questions.
He was the one who had convinced me to quit my job and move to New York, claiming he loved how attached I was and that hed support me forever.
After that fight, I took all my savings and opened this flower shop.
I came every single day, rain or shine.
I made myself busy.
That way, I wouldnt have time to obsess over who Devon was kissing today, how intense the sex scenes were, whether he was getting a physical reaction, or if hed fall out of character and genuinely fall for someone else.
4
Rush hour was over.
The subway car on the way home was empty.
Two girls sat next to me, staring at a phone with goofy, lovesick smiles.
Wanna bet? Devon and Anya have definitely caught real feelings off-camera. Those subconscious touches dont lie.
Doesnt Devon have a girlfriend?
Come on. Think about it: on one side, a girlfriend hes been with for seven years, whos stale and old news. On the other, a gorgeous, vibrant new actress. If you were Devon, who would you choose?
I subtly pulled out my compact mirror and checked my face.
I was once the homecoming queen, damn it.
I couldnt be that stale, could I?
Actually, Devon only went public with our relationship because I forced him to.
Initially, he said he didnt want his personal life discussed in the media.
So no one in the industry knew he had a girlfriend.
Women pursued him, people tried to set him up, and there were even offers for favors.
I finally lost it. Is it that you dont think its necessary, or is it that youre ashamed of me and dont want to give up your single status?
Devon called me irrational.
But he still posted a statement on Instagram announcing my existence:
Happy 7th Anniversary to my girl @JosieReid
Late that night, both #DevonShawAnnouncesRelationship and #DevonAnya were trending simultaneously.
Because their CP fandom had immediately published a viral post
You are my frenzy, existing outside the order of the mundane world.
The post summarized every ambiguous moment between them since they started working together.
In the thread, they were positioned as star-crossed lovers, and I was the villain, the bully standing in the way of their destined union.
The fans claimed Devon was only with me out of a sense of obligation, not wanting to break up with a boring, mediocre girlfriend.
Anya logged onto Instagram late that night.
She liked the post, then quickly unliked it, and then posted an explanation claiming her thumb slipped. A textbook move.
Then she specifically tagged me: @JosieReid Hey, sis! Dont worry about it. Lets grab brunch soon!
As if we were close friends.
Id never even met her.
Devon told me not to overthink it. Anyas just a sweet, simple kid. She was probably just trying to smooth things over so you wouldn't feel awkward.
I asked subconsciously, Shes simple. And what about me?
You? Devon curled his lip into a slight smile. Come on, Jo. Why are you comparing yourself to a young girl?
His tone was gentle, almost affectionate.
Anya was only two years younger than me.
5
The girl next to me unplugged her headphones.
I heard a familiar voice.
Then I realized: today was the press conference for Devons new movie in Los Angeles.
It was streaming live.
I clicked into the live feed.
Recently, Anya had been facing major public backlash. Rumors were swirling about her pasthigh school bullying, trading favors for roles, and flirting with her male co-stars.
At the conference, Anya addressed the rumors for the first time.
Within moments, she was sobbing, unable to speak.
Devon was there the entire time, shielding her.
For every invasive question from the media, for every malicious comment in the live chat, Devon was right there to fire back.
He spoke with serious gravity: Online bullying is a terrible thing. It causes irreparable harm to people...
I started to laugh.
I laughed until the tears started welling up and my nose began to sting.
I buried my face in my hands.
The tears streamed down through my fingers.
Are you okay? the girl next to me offered a tissue.
Thank you...
Crying on the subway was embarrassing.
I got off early.
It was all Devons fault.
Ever since he went public, his and Anyas fans had relentlessly attacked my comment section.
Stop hoarding him, give the King to someone who is actually worthy.
The unloved one is the third wheel. Youre really just extra, sis.
If you, the little bitch, hadnt been in the way, our OTP would be together!
Break up now, or well keep bullying you until you do.
More extreme fans had doxed me, sent me gruesome messages, and even staked out my apartment building.
I used to read about people who committed suicide because of online bullying.
I felt sad, but I also didnt quite understand it.
Couldnt they just unplug, ignore the anonymous hate, and focus on their own lives?
When it happened to me, I finally understood the terror.
It was truly horrifying.
Devon was on location at the time.
Calls went unanswered, and messages vanished into the void.
By the time he wrapped and came home, I had been struggling with insomnia for two weeks.
I had even visited a doctor to get medication for my nerve issues.
Devon just held me and offered a shallow comfort: Its okay, Jo. Dont worry. Theyre just still invested in the show.
That night, he left for his next scheduled trip.
I always thought his behavior was just his personality.
He was a little insensitive to other peoples feelings, not great at comforting, but it wasnt a huge deal.
It wasn't like he stopped loving me.
But watching the screen right now, seeing Devon vehemently defending Anya, saying online hate kills people...
Watching him sitting in the corner, constantly handing Anya tissues and speaking softly to comfort her, making her laugh through her tears...
I felt like the biggest joke in the world.
6
I booked a flight back to Santa Monica.
The day before I was scheduled to leave, I followed my doctors advice and went for one last follow-up appointment.
Psychiatry was on the top floor.
A long hallway was roped off, surrounded by a crowd of people.
I walked over to look.
They were shooting a movie.
I wasnt interested and turned to leave, just as my eyes met Devons across the crowd.
I also saw Anya standing right beside him.
I rememberedDevon had mentioned a while ago that his next role was a doctor.
He hadnt mentioned it was a reunion with Anya.
But it didnt matter.
I no longer cared.
The moment our eyes locked, Devon frowned and subconsciously took two steps toward me.
I walked away without looking back.
Anya glanced over, catching the sight of my long-haired back.
She asked Devon, Who was that? Your girlfriend?
Yeah.
Checking up on you?
Devon gave a slightly embarrassed smile. I guess so.
Anya pouted, muttering, Dating a civilian is such a hassle. Shes checking up on you even at the hospital. This is the first time anyone has ever treated me like a mistress. Whats her deal?
Thats not what shes doing. Devon kept looking in the direction Id walked. Shes just a little jealous, a little insecure. Shes not targeting anyone.
During the break.
Devon opened his text messages and saw that his last exchange with me was over two weeks ago
When do you wrap? I need to talk to you.
Hed read it but hadnt replied.
He must have forgotten.
It was normal for him not to contact me when he was filming.
But it was very abnormal for me not to contact him.
I used to send him constant, useless updates.
Like I found a great steak place, or that New York was windy, or I saw a cute dog.
He never seemed to mind.
This sudden shift in my attitude must mean she was still mad from our last fight.
Why was she so angry this time?
Remembering the look in my eyes, Devon worried Id misunderstand, so he decided to explain himself.
...
I sat waiting for my number to be called.
My phone started ringing incessantly.
So annoying.
I realized Id forgotten something important.
I hung up, went into my contacts, and blocked the number.
Then I opened my messages, found Devon Shaw, and hit Delete Contact.
Much better.

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