May You Never Have Survived That Day

At nine, I was caught in the shockwave of an explosion trying to save Greg. I've needed a hearing aid ever since.
The guilt ate him alive.
He was the one who insisted on the promise between our families, his eyes red as he swore to me, Willow, Ill take care of you for the rest of my life.
But when I was eighteen
To pass a test set by the schools queen bee
He pulled out my hearing aid himself. In front of her and all his friends, his voice dripped with disgust.
You little burden. I'm so sick of you.
I wish theyd never saved you when you were nine. I wish youd just died.
I clutched the doctor's report in my pocketthe one that said I was curedand said nothing.
When I got home, I quietly changed my college application choices. Then, I went with my parents to his house to break the promise.
Greg, from that day on, our paths would diverge.
We never needed to meet again.

1
Willow, I wish theyd never saved you when you were nine. I wish youd just died.
The moment Greg said it, the private room erupted.
Damn, Greg, youre a savage!
Next time, wait till her hearings fixed, then say it right to her face. I bet shed cry. Shes always so meek and quiet, like some kind of saint.
So what if she heard? Whod want a cripple anyway? Youre the only one generous enough to put up with her, man.
I froze, my hand clenching the report in my bag until my knuckles were white.
My parents had taken me to a specialist right after final exams. The surgery was a success. I didnt need the hearing aid anymore.
Today was my birthday party.
I had planned to surprise Greg.
To tell him my hearing was back, that I wouldnt be his burden anymore.
But my carefully planned surprise had unearthed a bloody, rotten truth instead.
Gregs words were a blade twisting in my heart, stealing the air from my lungs. Pain bloomed in my palm where my nails dug into my skin.
I bit my lip and looked up at him, wanting to ask why.
But he didn't even seem to notice me.
He was busy toying with the white hearing aid in his hand, a lazy, mocking smile on his face.
Alright, that's enough, he said. She did save my life once. Watch what you say. Dont let it get back to her.
The group caught his drift instantly.
Right, right. Our lips are sealed, bro.
Tsk, for a shot at a guy like Greg? Being deaf for life is a small price to pay for her.
Another round of jeering laughter filled the room.
Okay, okay, guys, lay off, Jessica said, stepping forward with a smile. She was the queen bee, the girl at the center of it all. Willows a sweet girl, not a tomboy like me who can roughhouse with you guys. Don't be too mean.
She turned to Greg, her voice full of theatrical gravity.
Greg, you passed my test.
Now I believe youre really not into Willow. So we can go on that date tomorrow.
A slow smile spread across Gregs face, his eyes so full of affection it looked like it could spill over. He murmured, Okay.
I just stood there, my mind a complete blank. The world seemed to grind to a halt.
The mocking laughter, the whoops and hollersit all swirled around me, crescendoing into a sharp, painful ringing in my ears.
Hey, what are you thinking about?
Greg was suddenly in front of me, gently placing the hearing aid back in my ear. A smile played on his lips. Speechless with joy?
I should have been.
An eighteenth birthday, a confession from the boy I loved, our relationship made official in front of all our friends. It was like something out of a movie.
But now, when I tried to speak, my throat was too dry, too tight for any words to escape.
His friends jumped in, their voices a cheerful chorus of lies.
Willow, you missed it! Greg pulled out your hearing aid and whispered a ton of cheesy romantic stuff. We all got goosebumps.
Man, I wish I had a childhood sweetheart.
You lucky bastard, Jessica said, slinging an arm over Gregs shoulder and giving his chest a playful punch. What did you do in a past life to deserve a girl as sweet as her?

2
I didnt say a word.
My eyes scanned the faces in the room, one by one.
They were all smiling, congratulating us, patting him on the back. A few even joked about saving the date for the wedding.
Not a single crack in their performance. Their expressions were flawlessly, unnervingly natural.
I suddenly remembered all the other parties, the other gatherings this year. There were so many moments just like this one.
Greg would take out my hearing aid, his eyes soft, and say something I couldn't hear.
When he put it back, everyone would rush to tell me he was whispering promises, swearing hed never let me down.
If my hearing hadn't been restored
If I hadnt heard the shards of glass hidden in his honeyed tones, the utter ugliness of his words, I would have been trapped in that lie forever.
Oops! Jessica suddenly exclaimed. She dropped her arm from Gregs shoulder and turned to me with an exaggeratedly apologetic look. Sorry, Willow! Were just like brothers, always messing around like this. Dont be jealous, okay?
Greg laughed. Give me a break. Youre such a tomboy, nothing ladylike about you.
With that, they started chasing each other around the room, play-fighting as if no one else existed.
Everyone watched, completely unfazed.
I closed my eyes, took a breath, and turned to leave. But Jessica, quick as a flash, stepped in my way.
Her eyes were filled with disapproval. Everyone came here for you, for your birthday. Youre just going to walk out?
Greg came over and ruffled my hair, his voice laced with feigned patience.
You havent even opened your gifts yet. Come on, dont be a princess.
I frowned and instinctively pulled away.
Ignoring the darkness that flickered in his eyes, I told him, each word clear and deliberate, Were breaking up. Dont ever contact me again.
Then I walked out of the room without a backward glance.

3
On the way home, my phone buzzed relentlessly.
Greg was confused. Whats with the drama now? Everyone worked so hard to come celebrate with you, to get you presents, and you just bail on them?
Jessica was just excited. Shes not like other girls, all sensitive and complicated. Shes straightforward. Thats why she put her arm on my shoulder. She let go right away and even apologized, didnt she?
Then the DMs started coming in from the group chat.
Willow, that was way out of line.
You just stormed out for no reason. What did we ever do to you?
Seriously? No good deed goes unpunished.
I almost laughed. A cold reply typed itself out: Who was really out of line? Then I blocked them, one by one, and left the group chat.
When I got home, I gave my parents the short version of what happened.
I bit my lip, the concern on their faces making the tight, aching knot in my chest swell. My voice cracked. I dont love him anymore
I dont want to go to NYU with him. I dont want to be with him. I dont want to marry him.
My mom pulled me into a hug, wiping away my tears. Oh, sweetie. Thats not the end of the world.
Dad and I will go with you tomorrow to call off the engagement. You can apply wherever you want. Weve got your back. Well always have your back.
My dad led me to the living room and placed the cake knife in my hand.
The cake never even made it to the party. Perfect. Now we can have a quiet birthday, just the three of us.
Eighteen years ago, when you were born, I think I smiled so much my face cracked. Come on, birthday girl, no more tears. Make a wish. Cut the cake.
A watery smile broke through my tears. I made my wish to their chorus of blessings and blew out the candles.
Just as I was about to cut into the cake, the doorbell rang.
I composed myself and opened the door. It was Greg.
A light drizzle had started, punctuated by rumbles of thunder and flashes of lightning.
He was soaked to the bone, water dripping from his hair onto his shoulders, but he didnt seem to care.
He just smiled and held out a beautifully wrapped jewelry box.
See? I picked it out just for you.
Stop the drama. Everyones still at the restaurant waiting for you. And dont talk about breaking up again, okay?
I stared at the diamond bracelet inside the box. It looked familiar.
Jessica had been wearing a necklace from the same brand today.
I didnt move, didnt take it.
Gregs arm hung in the air, suspended between us.
After a long moment, he finally lowered it, his patience fraying. What the hell is wrong with you today? he demanded.
You were crying with happiness when you accepted my confession. Now you just flip a switch?
Willow, have you forgotten how sweet and obedient you used to be?
A lump formed in my throat. I didn't even want to look at him.
I had been living in a dream, believing he loved me, that wed go to NYU together, build a life, and that after graduation, wed get married and have kids.
Today, that dream had been violently torn apart.
I finally understood. He never loved me.
To him, I was just the burden who had saved his life as a child, a nuisance he couldnt shake.
I took a deep breath and repeated calmly, Im not causing drama. Im serious. Were over. Dont contact me again.
Suddenly, he snapped.
He threw the jewelry box on the ground, his face dark with anger. Willow, for fucks sake, when are you going to stop
He was cut off.
My dad stepped in front of me, his brow furrowed. Greg, watch your language.
Youre soaked. You should go home, take a hot shower, and get some rest. Its late, we wont ask you to stay.
My mom appeared with a slice of cake on a plate, her smile polite but distant.
Willow already made her wish. She doesnt need the gift. Take this cake with you.
Get home safe. You need to be careful when youre out, too.
Greg stood there, stunned.
I knew why. In the past, whenever he came over, my parents were warm and welcoming. Theyd never, ever left him standing on the doorstep.
He had no idea what had caused this sudden shift, and he opened his mouth to say something, but it was too late.
The door clicked shut in his face.

4
I had no appetite.
After a few bites of cake, I went to my room.
My mom followed, sitting on the edge of my bed. Willow, she asked softly, are you absolutely sure about this?
She knew me better than anyone. She knew how much I loved Greg. How much I had always loved him.
I looked down at the white hearing aid in my hands.
What was there to say? It was just astonishing how much a person could change.
When we were kids, just after my family moved into this neighborhood, I used to follow Greg around like a shadow, always calling him big brother.
Our families were close, business partners.
That day, we all went to a factory on the outskirts of town. No one saw the explosion coming.
I remembered the emergency drills my parents had taught me and got out.
But Greg was trapped inside.
I saw the flames licking higher and higher, saw him frozen in place as the fire closed in.
I don't know where the strength came from.
Before anyone could react, I ran back in and pulled him toward the exit.
We were almost out.
Then a secondary explosion threw me against a wall. I was knocked unconscious and didnt wake up for a long time.
When I did, the world was silent.
My parents were quiet and grim. Gregs parents hovered, their faces etched with guilt. I just lay in bed, listless, refusing to speak or interact with anyone.
Greg stopped going to school.
He brought me snacks and toys, but I ignored them.
He decided the hospital was too depressing, so he snuck me out and took me to a shop where he had this hearing aid made for me.
He drew a tiny fish and a stalk of wheat on it with his own hands.
He was just a kid himself, but he fumbled to put it in my ear, his expression deadly serious. Willow, he promised, Ill protect you from now on.
My tutor said wheat is strong, that it always grows back, no matter what. Youll get better too, Willow.
And the fish well, they say fish have a seven-second memory, but I wont. Ill never forget you.
Ill always be your knight.
I was the only one who remembered that promise.
If the nine-year-old Willow had heard the eighteen-year-old Greg say, I wish youd just died, she would have cried for days.
But over the years, Id grown used to the whispers and stares my hearing loss attracted.
So I accepted this change in him, too.
People grow up.
I saved his life, and his family had been trying to make up for it ever since. For years, theyd given our familys company a nearly fifty-percent discount on all our joint ventures. That was more than fair.
We didnt owe each other anything anymore.
And I was my own person, not an accessory to someone elses life. I didnt need anyone to survive.
So I looked up at my mom, my voice firm. Im sure.
With my moms help, I changed my college applications.
From NYU to a university in Boston.
I thought I wouldnt be able to sleep that night, but I slept like a rock.
I woke up around noon, groggy, and instinctively reached for my phone.
Two new voice messages from Greg were waiting for me. He must have used a friends phone.
His voice was cold, laced with ice.
Willow, are you done with this tantrum? Block me, unblock me how old are you?
Jessica feels terrible about you leaving last night. She keeps saying she doesnt know how to make it up to you. She even went up to the roof, threatening to jump. I had to talk her down.
We still have a few weeks of summer left. Im taking her and a few of the guys to Aspen for a ski trip to clear her head. Dont be jealous. Its partly your fault she almost did something stupid, after all.
His shamelessness made me laugh out loud.
Jessica? Kill herself? Not a chance.
At school, she was always bragging about being a cool girl, not one of those fake, high-maintenance girls who wore no-makeup makeup and acted all innocent.
But she was the most manipulative person I knew.
Four months ago, at my best friend Chloes birthday party, Chloe had picked out a special dress and done her makeup, hoping to get some beautiful photos.
Jessica, of course, had to ruin it.
The second she walked into the room, shed started in on her.
Damn, Chloe, look at that body. You been sleeping around?
Dont be shy! Were all friends here. Spill the tea.
When Chloe burst into tears, Jessica threw her hands up in mock surrender.
Jesus, cant you girls take a joke? This is why I dont hang out with girls. So. Much. Drama.
Another time, when we were all cramming for the SATs, exhausted and stressed, she went around snapping unflattering photos of everyone. She turned them into memes and posted them on the schools gossip page with the caption: Our junior class queen. Line up, boys.
It only stopped after half the class reported her to the principal.
And Id known for two years that shed only joined the basketball team as manager to get close to Greg.
I just hadnt taken her seriously.
Back then, I was arrogant. I thought no one could take what was mine.
Now that she had, I had to admit it.
I was a poor judge of character. Id saved a snake.
Willow, if you have any conscience at all, youll come and apologize to everyone, especially Jessica
The messages kept coming.
I didnt even listen to the end of the voice note. I just blocked the new number, too.
Outside my door, my mom was calling for me.
It gets cold in Boston in the winter. Lets go buy you some warmer clothes.
I nodded.
I never expected that after buying a few sweaters on the second floor of the mall, wed run right into Greg and his crew.

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