The Monster They Made

At the welcome-home dinner, my parents adopted daughter, Chloe, leaned in and whispered in my ear.

The Ainsworths have room for one daughter. Youre just some trash they scraped off the street.

I thought she had a point.

So I turned and walked into the intersection, right into the stream of oncoming headlights.

My new family completely lost their minds. They dragged me back to the curb, a chaotic mess of pleading and shouting.

My brother, Ethan, his face a mask of fury, warned me never to upset his sister like that again.

I nodded obediently. Later that night, I went downstairs, turned on the gas stove without lighting it, and left a note on the counter.

It's my fault I made my sister sad. I want to take the whole family to heaven with me, so no one has to worry anymore.

The way they all looked at me after that, you wouldve thought theyd seen a ghost.

A few weeks later, at a party, Chloe and her little friends cornered me by the pool. With a collective shove, they sent me into the deep end.

But I didnt struggle. I didnt even kick. I just let my body sink toward the blue-painted concrete.

Panic erupted. Chloe, her perfect makeup ruined by a splash of water, had to dive in after me, yanking me up by my hair.

You idiot, she hissed, water streaming from her mouth. If you actually drowned, Mom and Dad would hate me!

She dragged me to the edge. Couldn't you at least pretend to fight it?

What she didnt know was that I had fought back before. The reward for fighting was dying, again and again, in far worse ways.

This was my tenth life.

This time, all I wanted was to finally die.

1

The chlorine in the pool water burned my stomach, a familiar fire.

Ethan was the one who pulled me out completely. I collapsed on the poolside tiles, coughing up a lungful of water, my body limp.

Chloes face was sheet-white. Her friends began to stammer, their voices overlapping in a frantic chorus.

We were just kidding around!

Yeah, who knew shed just let herself sink like that!

No one just stops moving when theyre drowning. Is she trying to scam us or something?

Ethan wrapped his suit jacket around my shivering shoulders as I struggled to my feet. My teeth chattered violently, a rhythm I couldnt control. Still, I managed to force a smile as I looked directly at Chloe.

Sister, you told me to get in, so I got in.

My voice was quiet. I do what you say.

A visible shudder ran through Chloe. She took a step back, as if I were some kind of monster.

What are you talking about? she shrieked. I never told you to do that!

Her eyes filled with tears as our parents rushed over, drawn by the commotion.

Dad, Mom, dont listen to her, shes crazy! Chloe sobbed, pointing a trembling finger at me. Sadie is trying to frame me!

My parents expressions were grim as they took in my drenched, pathetic state.

One of Chloes friends, a girl in a designer dress, spoke up. Its true, Mr. and Mrs. Ainsworth. She just jumped in. We tried to help her, but she wouldn't even grab our hands!

I peered out from behind Ethans arm, my face a canvas of pure innocence.

I wasnt refusing help, I said softly. Its just when my sister tells me to do something, I have to do it perfectly. Otherwise, she gets upset.

I looked from my mother to my father, then to my brother.

When sister gets upset, Ethan gets upset. When theyre upset, you both get upset.

My eyes were wide and earnest. So please, just tell me. What do I have to do to make you all happy?

A dead silence fell over the patio. Everyone was staring at me like I belonged in a straitjacket.

Ethans body went rigid beside me. His grip on my arm was suddenly bruisingly tight.

Sadie, shut up.

My fathers voice was sharp as he barked at the housekeeper. Take Miss Sadie to her room. And call Dr. Miller. I want him to run a full evaluation. Then he turned to Chloe, his gaze uncharacteristically stern. Chloe, you come with me. Now.

Chloe had always been the princess of this castle, shielded from so much as a harsh word. The tone of his voice made her flinch. The tears shed been holding back finally broke free, and she began to truly weep.

Dad, it wasnt me, I swear

Watching their troubled faces, a profound weariness washed over me.

What more do you people want from me?

When Chloes toy poodle ran away, shed put a collar around my neck, made me eat kibble from a bowl on the floor, and sleep in the doghouse as her new pet. When she went camping with her friends, she zipped me into a sealed sleeping bag and kicked me down a hillside. I remember the sickening crunch of my bones against the rocks, a pain so sharp it became a kind of numbness before I suffocated.

As she looked down at my broken, twisted body, all she did was purse her lips. Guess the quality of this sleeping bag is pretty terrible. I should leave a bad review. A small, cruel smile. Good thing my little sister tested it for me.

This time, I didn't fight her torment. I did everything I was told.

So why, Mom, Dad, Ethan why are you still not happy?

2

After the doctor left, my mother, Eleanor, came into my room with a glass of warm milk and sat on the edge of my bed.

She watched me for a long time, her expression a mix of pity and confusion.

Sadie, tell me the truth. Her voice was soft. Do you do you really hate this family so much?

I shook my head. I dont hate you.

Then why do you do these things? Why do you keep hurting yourself?

I took a small sip of the milk, considering her question seriously before answering. I just want to make everyone happy.

Her eyes instantly reddened.

But youre my daughter. My real daughter. You dont have to please anyone!

I set the glass down and looked up at her. But since I came home, Chloe hasnt been happy. Ethan hasnt been happy. My gaze was steady. Mom, was finding me a mistake?

The question left her speechless. All she could do was pull me into a hug.

No, Sadie. You are not a mistake.

Her embrace was warm. But it only made me remember another life.

The one where Chloe had sliced her own palm with a paring knife and collapsed into this same embrace, weeping. Eleanors eyes had been so cold as she looked at me then. Shed locked me in a dark, musty storage closet, letting Chloe turn the knob on the old gas line outside, telling me I could come out when Id reflected on how to stop hurting my sister.

Back then, I didnt understand what I had done wrong. All Id wanted was to survive, to make them like me.

Now, all I wanted was to die.

And suddenly, my mother was calling me her precious child.

The next day, there was a family meeting.

Chloe, whose eyes were swollen shut from a night of crying, sobbed her piece. I really didnt push her. I was just I was just scared. She looked at our parents, her voice trembling. I was scared that if she was back, you wouldnt want me anymore.

That was all it took for Ethan. His protective instincts flared.

Mom, Chloe didnt mean it. Shes just insecure, he said, defending her immediately. Look at Sadie. Shes only been here a few weeks, and shes turned this house upside down!

He pointed at me, his face filled with disgust. Shes not normal!

My father, Richard, rubbed his temples and sighed. This cant go on. He made a decision. Well find a therapist for Sadie. Get her some proper help.

On the day of the appointment, I was perfectly cooperative. I answered every question the doctor asked.

Why do you think about dying so often?

I sat on the plush leather sofa, swinging my legs. Because its the easiest way to make all the problems disappear.

The therapist adjusted his glasses, trying to guide me. But have you considered that if you die, the people who love you will be heartbroken?

I blinked, genuinely curious. Love me?

I leaned forward slightly. You mean love like the woman at the orphanage, who would say she loved me while she watched the other kids beat me?

Or love like the man who bought me, who called me his good little girl while he locked me in a dog cage?

Or I paused, glancing at the door. Is it love like my brother? The one who warns me not to upset his precious sister, but waits until Im half-drowned to pull me from the water?

I leaned closer, my voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. Doctor, they dont love me. Theyre just afraid Ill die in their house and cause a scandal.

They think Im sick and need to be fixed.

But Im not sick. Im just listening to them.

To make them happy, Ill do whatever they want.

They wanted me to die, so Ill die. Is that so wrong?

The doctors hand, the one holding the pen, froze mid-air. His face had gone completely pale.

3

The therapist reported every single word I said back to my parents.

His final diagnosis was chilling: I wasnt sick. Not in the way they thought. I was using an extreme, self-destructive form of self-preservation and revenge. My mental state was a string stretched to its breaking point; the slightest pressure could snap it completely.

For me, actively seeking death had become the ultimate defense mechanism.

After hearing this, my mother locked herself in her study for the rest of the day. My father chain-smoked on the balcony, one cigarette after another.

Only Ethan remained convinced it was all an act.

Sadie is playing you! he insisted. Youre all falling for it! This is just her twisted way of trying to get rid of Chloe!

Chloe hid behind him, peering at me with timid eyes, though I could see a flicker of triumph deep within them. As long as Ethan was on her side, she believed she was invincible.

Mom, Dad, dont worry, she said, her voice soft and caring. Ill be nice to Sadie. Ill help her get better.

The atmosphere in the house grew heavier each day. In a desperate attempt to normalize things, my parents decided to enroll me in Kings Academy, the same exclusive private school that Chloe and Ethan attended. They naively believed that putting me in a regular peer environment might help.

Chloe was the first to protest. Her eyes widened in horror. I dont want her at my school! Everyone will make fun of me!

For the first time, my fathers voice was unyielding. This is not up for discussion.

Chloe stormed off to her room, but I knew she wouldnt let it go that easily.

Sure enough, on my first day, I was the center of attention. The rumor had already spread like wildfire: the long-lost Ainsworth heiress was a lunatic fresh out of a psych ward.

A clique of girls constantly surrounded Chloe, offering sympathetic whispers while shooting pointed glares in my direction.

Chloe, your sister is so weird. She has this creepy, vacant look

I heard she tried to kill your whole family with a gas leak! Isn't that, like, certifiable?

You should be careful. What if she tries to hurt you?

Chloe would put on a pained, sorrowful expression. You guys, dont say that. My sister shes just sick.

The more she defended me, the more monstrous I seemed to everyone else. The isolation was immediate and absolute. No one spoke to me. A chalk line was drawn around my desk. Ink was spilled on my textbooks.

I didnt care. Compared to the orphanage, this was childs play.

During gym class, the teacher told us to have free play. The gym captain, one of Chloes friends, ordered me to go to the equipment room to get more basketballs.

The moment I stepped inside, the heavy door clicked shut behind me. The lock scraped into place.

The room plunged into darkness.

Through the door, I could hear Chloe and her friends giggling.

A psycho like her should be locked up, not let out of the hospital!

Chloe, do you think shell freak out and start biting herself in there?

Hahaha, probably! You should crack the door and peek.

No way, Im not going near her!

Class wouldn't be over for another forty minutes. All I had to do was wait. The dark, cramped space gave me a strange sense of peace. I felt myself growing drowsy.

After some time, an impatient voice came from outside the door.

Hey, crazy girl in there! Are you dead yet? A pause. Make a noise if youre not dead!

I ignored her.

A few moments later, the voice returned, now tinged with panic. Shes not making any sound. What if something really happened?

So what if it did? It was Chloes voice, cold and dismissive. If she dies, Ill still be here to take care of Mom and Dad when theyre old. Let her figure out how to break the door down herself. Lets go.

Their footsteps faded away.

I closed my eyes, ready to get some real sleep.

Suddenly, a sharp, acrid smell filled the air.

Smoke.

4

The fire spread with terrifying speed.

Within three minutes, the thick smoke was choking me, and the small equipment room had become a furnace.

I didnt scream for help. I didnt bang on the door.

I just hugged a basketball to my chest and curled up in the corner farthest from the flames.

My consciousness began to fade.

This is good, I thought. This time, I can finally succeed.

No jumping off buildings, no gas leaks, no one to pull me from the water. Just a quiet exit, without bothering a soul. Once this life was over, I could finally be free of this body and move on.

This body, covered in scars. My wrists, broken more times than I could count. My legs, mottled with cigarette burns. I wouldnt have to live this painful, pathetic life of trying to please everyone anymore.

Just as I was about to slip away completely, there was a deafening crash. The door splintered off its hinges.

A figure, silhouetted against the flames, charged in and swept me up from the floor.

It was Ethan.

His clothes were blackened with soot, his face a mess of panic and terror.

Sadie! Wake up!

He carried me out of the inferno. A crowd had gathered on the lawn outside. When Chloe and her friends saw me emerge, alive, their expressions were a wild mix of shock, guilt, and a sliver of unmistakable disappointment.

I was laid on the grass, and I greedily gasped for fresh air.

Ethan knelt in front of me, his voice tighter and more strained than I had ever heard it. Are you okay? Are you hurt anywhere?

I stared at him, my chest rattling with each cough. Brother, you saved me again.

I looked him dead in the eye, my tone flat but laced with genuine regret. Why did you have to save me? I was so close to being dead.

Ethans face went dark. He grabbed my shoulders, his voice a raw roar.

Why didnt you call for help?! Why didnt you try to break the door down?! Did you really want to die?!

He shook me, his control gone. Sadie, what the fuck are you trying to do!

I didnt answer him. Instead, my gaze shifted to Chloe, standing in the crowd.

She flinched as if Id struck her. It wasnt me! she yelped. I didnt start the fire! I dont know how it started!

Her friends quickly chimed in. We were already gone! It has nothing to do with us!

Sadie went to get the basketballs herself! We just showed her where the room was!

Just then, the head of campus security ran up, panting, to the school principal. We found the cause. It was old wiring in the equipment room. It short-circuited and started the fire.

It was an accident.

A collective sigh of relief went through the crowd. Chloes shoulders slumped, and she immediately put her mask of fragile innocence back on.

Oh, Sadie, Im so glad youre okay! she cried, rushing toward me. Its all our fault. We shouldnt have played that joke on you, making you get the equipment all alone.

She reached for my hand.

I recoiled, pulling away from her touch with the instinct of a chronically abused animal.

And then, in front of everyone, for the first time, I began to scream and cry. A raw, piercing wail of terror.

Im sorry, sister! Im sorry! I should have stayed in there, but I dont like the dark room! I dont like it!

I looked up at her, my face a mess of tears and soot. Next time, I sobbed, next time, can you pick a different way for me to die? Please?

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