He and the Home

During the party, our friends started teasing, asking when Koby and I were finally going to get married.
I looked at him, a smile playing on my lips.
He just went silent, awkwardly changing the subject.
The friend whod asked the question shot me an embarrassed, apologetic look.
My smile didn't waver. I just took a sip of my drink.
Im a procrastinator, but not a crippling one. And in that moment, I decided. I was done waiting. I was letting Koby go, and in doing so, letting myself go free.

01.
The awkward moment passed quickly, and the party roared back to life. I laughed and joked along with everyone else, genuinely happy for the two people at the center of it allmy best friend, Sophie, and her fianc.
The teasing had started because, halfway through the night, Sophies boyfriend had dropped to one knee and proposed. With her ecstatic "yes," Koby and I became the last unmarried couple in our circle.
During a round of party games, Sophie slipped into the seat next to me and quietly squeezed my hand.
I gave her a reassuring smile.
Of all our friends, Koby and I had been the first to get together. Everyone assumed wed be the first to walk down the aisle.
But that was six years ago. And we were still just boyfriend and girlfriend.

02.
By the end of the night, only Koby, Sophie, her new fianc Alex, and I remained.
Sophie pulled me into a tight hug, whispering in my ear, Jennifer, whatever you do, dont settle for less than you deserve.
I hugged her back, my voice light. I wont.
After we waved them off, I turned to get into Kobys car.
He was staring at his phone, not even looking up. Lolas working late at the office. Her phone died, so she cant get a ride. Im going to pick her up.
Okay, I said, my hand already in my purse.
The moment hed said Lola, my fingers had instinctively opened the ride-share app. As if on cue, a car was confirmed just as he finished his sentence.
He finally looked up at me. You had a bit to drink tonight. Get home safe and rest up. Im leaving now.
Mhm, was all I said.
As his car pulled away from the curb, I took a few quick steps back to avoid breathing in his exhaust fumes.
A moment later, my phone buzzed with a voice message from him.
Normally, I would have fumbled for my earbuds, eager to hear his voice. Tonight, I couldnt be bothered. I just let the app transcribe it.
Ill head back right after I drop her off. Dont overthink it.
That was new. Hed never bothered with reassurances before when he ditched me for Lola.
I typed back a single reply: OK
The chat bubble showed he was typing then it disappeared. He sent nothing.
I didnt really care.
Ever since Id made my decision, a strange sense of peace had settled over me. Before, the thought of LolaKobys childhood friendhad me tied in knots of anxiety and insecurity. She had turned me into someone I didnt recognize.
Id lost count of the number of hysterical fights wed had about her.
And every time, hed just watch me with those cold, detached eyes.
When are you going to stop? I see Lola as a sister. Her parents trusted me to look after her, thats all.
I gave her a job at the company because shes qualified. Stop being so paranoid.
If thats what you want to believe, theres nothing I can do.
The same lines, over and over. I could recite them by heart.

03.
I went home but didnt wait up for Koby. I just went to sleep.
As expected, he never came home.
I knew he wouldnt.
A message pinged on my phone in the morning.
Lolas power went out last night. I stayed to help her fix it, got late. Didnt want to wake you.
Another ping.
I got a room at a hotel, didnt stay at her place.
He was always so brazenly honest about it, never hiding anything about Lola. He seemed to think that as long as he told me the facts, hed done his part.
My phone buzzed again.
Booked us a table at that restaurant you love. Dinner tonight.
That was his classic move. An explanation, followed by a treat. Whether I accepted his peace offering or not, he would consider the matter closed. As long as he felt hed explained himself, I was expected to drop it.
So many times, Id tried to push, to scream that we needed to actually talk things through, but the look in his eyes always said the same thing: he just didnt get it. He saw me as a petulant child throwing a tantrum.
And so, more often than not, I was the one who swallowed my hurt, plastering on a smile and playing the part of the mature, understanding girlfriend just to please him.
I replied: Sounds good.
Koby could handle spicy food, but he didnt enjoy it. He would never suggest that place on his own.
I should have been thrilled.
Instead, all I felt was a profound emptiness.

04.
I knew better than to expect Koby to pick me up, so I called a car myself.
And, once again, my instincts were right.
On the way to the Szechuan restaurant, we passed by his office building. And there he was. I watched from my car window as Koby, a faint smile on his face, shielded Lolas head with his hand as she slipped into the passenger seat of his car.
A cold certainty washed over me. I unlocked my phone.
Sure enough, a series of new messages were there.
Lolas joining us for dinner. Shes been working so hard lately, hasnt had a decent meal in days.
She doesnt like spicy food. Well go to that Szechuan place another time, I promise. Ive booked a different restaurant.
Sending you the new address now.
I switched off the screen.
And told the driver to continue to the original destination.
Koby had already canceled our reservation, so I had to wait in line. The place was packed. It took an hour before I was seated.
My phone buzzed incessantly in my purse, but I ignored it, focusing only on the food.
The spice was so authentic it brought tears to my eyes. But it was a good burn. A cleansing one.
Only after Id paid the bill did I finally take out my phone.
As I suspected, it was flooded with over a dozen missed calls and messages from him.
Are you there yet?
Are you throwing a fit again? I told you Id take you next time.
Lola has a sensitive stomach, she cant eat spicy food. Youre practically her sister-in-law, cant you be a little more understanding?
Now she feels so guilty she cant even eat. Get over here, now!
The same old script.
But it was more than we had texted each other in the last month combined.

05.
On the way home, I found myself wondering what had made me fall for Koby in the first place.
I think it was that rainy afternoon. He was trying to launch his startup and had just been rejected by an investor for the twentieth time. My boss had just sent back my design draft for the thirty-fifth revision. We both ducked into the same coffee shop to escape a sudden thunderstorm, and just started talking.
It was awkward at first, just small talk to fill the silence. But by the time the rain stopped, we had clicked. After that, getting together felt like the most natural thing in the world.
I never believed in love at first sight. It always seemed too shallow, an emotion without foundation, destined to fade as quickly as it appeared. Yet, for six years with Koby, I often thought I was one of the lucky ones, that Id found my soulmate in a chance encounter.
But thinking back now
Were these six years truly a story of mutual love, or was it just me, procrastinating on the inevitable breakup?

06.
Sophie took me out for drinks.
With wedding planning about to consume their lives, she wanted one last night to just relax before the chaos began.
Shes a lightweight, and it didnt take long for her to get tipsy. But even then, she was slurring, insisting she had to get me home safely first.
I felt a bittersweet pang. My best friend, drunk off her ass, was still putting me first. Koby, on the other hand, would always, always choose Lola over me.
Its okay, I soothed her. Im staying at your place tonight. We can go home together.
Id moved out of Kobys place for a few days, needing space to untangle the mess of our relationship in my head. With Alex out of town on a business trip, Sophie had insisted I come stay with her and keep her company during her last few days of "freedom."
When we got back to her apartment, I helped her onto the sofa. She mumbled, her words thick, Jennifer if somethings broken, you throw it away. Dont force it.
Shes known me for over a decade. Even if I never said a word, she could read the turmoil inside me.
I smiled and stroked her hair.
Just then, my phone lit up with a message from Koby.
Are you done with your tantrum? When are you coming back?
Come home and Ill take you to that Szechuan place, how about that?
Youre a grown woman, Jennifer. Running away when youre upset isnt the answer. Do you really think this is mature?
For the first time, I didnt reply.

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