Every Winter He Leaves Me

Winter is here again.

For three months every year, my husband, Mark, and our son, Leo, become allergic to me. It starts with the first frosta mysterious, violent rash that blooms across their skin if they get too close. Weve never found the source.

So, for the sake of their health, they leave. They move into another one of our properties across town, drawing a clean, sterile line between us.

They weren't there when I slipped on the ice last year and my head bled all over the pristine snow. They werent there when a car ran a red light and I spent a week in the hospital. Those were wars I fought alone. We became the loneliest kind of family, separated by a sickness I couldnt see, a sickness caused by my very presence. I was the thing that could kill them.

All I could do was endure the frozen silence, counting the days until spring would thaw the world and bring my family back to me.

But this year, I overheard a conversation that shattered everything.

Daddy, Leos small voice drifted from the other room, we only get to see Momma Annie in the winter. Cant the allergies last a little longer?

Momma Annie?

That was the name for Marks childhood sweetheart. His first love.

I heard the sound of Marks hand ruffling Leos hair. Too many antihistamines aren't good for you, buddy. Besides, Momma Annie would worry. Ill bring you to see her whenever I can.

Leo clapped his hands. Yay! I love the winter mango candies. Thats how I know well get to see Momma Annie.

The world went silent. All I could hear was the frantic pounding of my own heart.

Mango. The one thing Leo was deathly allergic to. The one thing I had spent his entire life protecting him from.

I stood in the biting wind for a long time before I finally went back inside.

When spring returned them to my doorstep, I felt nothing. The warmth was gone.

Eat what you want, I told Leo, my voice flat, as I watched him unwrap a piece of candy. If you think Im abusing you, you can call the police. I dont want custody.

1

Leo froze, his eyes wide. Hed never heard me speak like that. For a long moment, he just stared at me. Then, with a flicker of defiance, he tore the wrapper off a small, orange candy. A mango candy.

The look of anticipation in his eyes was a knife in my heart. He truly believed that eating it would send him back to her. All my warnings, all the notes engraved on his school ID, all of it was just noise he had learned to ignore.

Suddenly, Mark lunged across the room, smacking the candy from Leos hand. It skittered across the hardwood floor.

Lea, whats gotten into you? he demanded, his voice tight with alarm. Youre not thinking straight. He almost ate it! You know how severe his allergy is, it could kill him.

Yes, I thought. I know.

I was the clown who had built a fortress against a single fruit. I scrutinized every label on every snack, every carton of milk, terrified of a stray ingredient. I repeated the same warnings to him, his teachers, the parents of his friends. Leo has a severe mango allergy. Please be careful.

I treated mangoes like a loaded gun. But this one, this little piece of poison, had been given to him by Mark. It was their secret password. Their ticket to Momma Annie.

I let my gaze settle on my husband. How did he get a mango candy in the first place? Shouldnt I be asking you that?

A flicker of panic crossed Marks face before he masked it with a casual excuse and ushered our son upstairs.

On this day, the first day of spring, they were used to a celebration. A feast I would have spent days preparing, handmade gifts waiting for them. A grand reunion.

This time, the dining table was bare.

Marks brow furrowed. Lea, what is wrong with you today? He noticed the redness in my eyes and his expression softened into one of weary patience. Are you still upset? I promise, well find a way to fix this thing with me and Leo. Its this damn winter. It always makes me absent when you need me the most.

My nails dug into my palms. He remembered.

When I was pregnant with Leo, my mother was diagnosed with leukemia. Mark wanted to protect the baby; I wanted to save my mother. Im donating my marrow, I had told him, my voice raw. Nothing you say will change my mind. It was an impossible choice. I loved our unborn child, but this was my mother.

It was as if my mom heard our arguments through the hospital walls. Her condition deteriorated rapidly, making a transplant impossible. We learned later that she had stopped taking her medication, quietly trading her own life for a new one.

I gave birth through a fog of grief and rage, and the hormonal crash that followed plunged me into a severe postpartum depression. The winters were the worst. Alone in the quiet house, the silence screamed at me. I didn't want to live. But then I would look at Leothe child my mother had died forand the thought of him growing up without me was the one thing that kept my hands from doing the unthinkable.

I had tried everything to keep them with me during the winter. Id wrapped myself in layers, worn a ridiculous respirator mask, but it was no use. The moment winter arrived, the red welts would appear on their skin.

Lea, the allergies are back, Mark would say, his voice full of false regret as he packed his and Leos bags. We have to go. Just hold on until spring. Ill bring him back then.

I couldnt understand it. I would scrub my body in the shower until my back was raw and bleeding, punishing myself for a crime I didnt know Id committed. I would cry in the bathtub until I fell asleep. Those winters were a bitter, agonizing penance.

And it was all a lie.

I pulled my hand from Marks grasp and went to our bedroom, alone.

That night, Leo ended up in the hospital anyway. Hed found another candy and eaten it in secret. Delirious with fever, he kept murmuring the same words. I want Momma Annie I dont want to go home.

Each word was a razor blade. I had just finished taking notes from the doctor, and his whispers nearly made me collapse. I handed the notepad to Mark, the sigh escaping my lips feeling like the last breath of a dying woman.

Lets get a divorce. He can have his Momma Annie.

Mark laughed, a hollow sound. Hes a kid, Lea. You cant believe the things he says when hes sick. He looked me in the eye, his expression a careful blend of truth and lies. You know Annie. We havent spoken since our wedding. I took Leo to see her once, a while ago. He must have gotten his memories mixed up. You know how kids are with new people.

Before I could respond, Annie herself burst into the room, rushing straight to Leos bedside. She scooped him into her arms, her face a mask of anguish, and then turned to me, her voice dripping with accusation.

Lea, how could this happen? Hes such a good boy, why would you let him suffer like this? He was perfectly healthy just a few days ago when he was with me.

Heads turned. Murmurs rippled through the nearby visitors. That must be the stepmom. So sad when families break up.

Noticing my stare, Annie quickly backpedaled. Oh, Lea, dont misunderstand. Thats not what I meant. Im just so worried about him. Why does he always have to go through so much pain?

I walked out and went to the restroom, splashing cold water on my face until the shaking subsided. He went through this pain to escape me. To see her. Every winter, from the time he was three years old until now.

When I returned, I paused outside the door, hearing their voices inside.

Daddy, can I stay with Mommy for a few more days? Leo pleaded. He called her Mommy so easily. Annie looked at Mark, her eyes hopeful.

No, Mark said, his tone firm. It was risky enough for you to come here. I told you, we cant let this blow up in front of Lea.

Annies lower lip jutted out in a practiced pout. Just one more time, please? We can be careful. I just want to make sure hes okay before I leave. I only get to see him for three months a year. Whats a few more days?

Mark stared at her for a long moment, then sighed in defeat. Fine. This is the last time.

A bitter laugh escaped me. In my own life, I was the other woman, the one they had to sneak around.

A doctor entered the room and turned to Mark, rattling off questions. Whats the boys history with this allergy? What medications has he taken before? What was his most severe symptom? Mark just stood there, clueless. The doctors frustration grew. Youre his parents, dont you pay attention to these things?

Annie wrung her hands. Mark, flustered, pulled out his phone to text me.

Thats when I pushed the door open. Talk to me, I said, walking toward the doctor. Im his I trailed off. What was I?

I gave the doctor a detailed account of our son's entire medical history. He was the child I had given birth to; I couldn't stand to see him suffer, no matter what.

When I returned to the room, Annie was making a show of getting ready to leave. At the sight of me, Leo burst into tears.

No! No! I want Momma Annie!

His shrieks echoed off the sterile walls. I knew what this was. It was a performance, a play designed to drive me away and give them the space they wanted. Tears welled in my eyes, hot and stinging, but I forced them back.

I looked at my son, the child I would have died for. Fine, I said, my voice steady. I wont come back.

That night, a splitting headache took hold of me. Dazed, I accidentally called Mark instead of my doctor. He came home immediately, bringing me water, finding my medication.

Dont blame Leo, he murmured, stroking my hair as I swallowed the pills. Its just a novelty for him. In a few days, hell be crying for his mom again. This is good, it gives you a chance to rest. Youve gotten so thin.

He waited until I seemed comfortable before returning to the hospital.

But over the next few days, a crushing fatigue settled over me. I slept constantly, and when I was awake, my mouth was filled with a bitter taste and my stomach churned with a dull, cramping pain.

I went to the hospital alone.

My doctor looked at my chart, then at me, with a puzzled expression. Did you change your prescription? The medication you were on was working very well.

I shook my head. I carried my pills with me everywhere. The bottle was the same.

The doctor took it from me, ran a quick test, and his brow furrowed. This isnt your antidepressant. Its almost identical to a sleeping pill. I prescribed you one once, years ago when you had that bout of insomnia, and you had a bad reaction. Youre not supposed to take these. Who gave this to you?

A chill washed over me, so cold it felt like ice water in my veins. I saw Marks face, fumbling with my pill bottle in the dim light of my bedroom. He was so annoyed that I had disturbed him, so afraid it might happen again, that he had drugged me. He had switched my antidepressants with sleeping pills.

I remembered him warning me just a few weeks ago, Be careful with these, Lea. Dont ever get your pills mixed up.

The easiest way to ensure I wouldnt bother him was to keep me asleep. The bitter laugh that escaped my lips was a sound of pure agony. My heart felt like it was being carved out of my chest, piece by piece.

I went home and started packing. There was nothing left to discuss.

While clearing out a drawer, a piece of paper fluttered to the floor. It was one of Leos school essays, a perfect score circled in red at the top. The teachers comment read: Such a sincere expression of love for your mother. Wonderful!

For a moment, I was transported back in time. Leo in preschool, learning his first song. He held my hand as we walked home, singing off-key, My mommy is the best in the world. Hed looked up at me with his big, serious eyes. Mommy, when I grow up, Im going to buy you a big house. Youre the best mommy.

I picked up the essay and began to read.

My mom and I are like frost on a winter night. We can only be together in the cold, and when the warmth comes, we melt away. I wish winter would come sooner.

Every line was filled with love. But it wasnt for me. An immense, crushing weight of failure settled on my shoulders, bowing my spine.

I sat there for a long time. Finally, I stood up, walked to the mantelpiece, and carefully wiped down the silver frame holding my mothers photograph. I held it to my chest.

Mom, the gift you left me isnt a good one, I thought. Im taking you with me.

I didnt want any of them anymore.

The sound of the front door opening broke the silence. Mark and Leo were home from the hospital. Leo, too young to be discreet, was still complaining.

Daddy, now we have to wait another nine months. I have to sit up straight and stand up straight, and I cant eat this and I cant eat that. Its torture.

Mark tapped him on the head. Dont say that. Your mother is just trying to do whats best for you.

Leo pouted. But Im not happy. Momma Annie wouldnt do that.

So that was it. My nine months of painstaking care, the time I cherished, was their prison sentence. The three months of separation that I dreaded, that I feared would stretch on forever, was their great escape.

Mark saw me in the bedroom and, assuming I hadnt heard, brought Leo over. Lea, this little guy is just being mischievous. Its a good thing you didnt come to the hospital. He would have worn you out completely.

I murmured a quiet agreement, slipping my mothers photograph into my handbag.

On the pretense of running an errand, I took our marriage certificate to a lawyer. The young associate took one look at it and gave me a sympathetic glance.

This is a forgery, she said gently.

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